Ok Steve85. Thanks. Now I know where this is possibly going as far as MC jointly.
You and I both know MC has a low success rate because But I want to take the lead and lead her the direction of an MC, or better still... Coaching that is Pro M and offers solutions or SBT similar to or with MWD rather than repeating bring up old traumas, resentments, feelings and remaining stuck, which is what I am sure most MC's do because of dated training.
She is not PA. I'm not sure if you can technically call her EA. It was more like a obsessive stalker like celebrity fantasy crush, that almost went full contact. But after I confronted back in Feb. I stopped snooping after. I've watched behaviors, and don't see any EA/PA at this time.
So you definately think I'm being manipulated into this, with no real intention to work on things from her? I think I get it and see the long term POV. No real commitment to work on the M, keeps it open ended, continues to string me along, she gets the sale of the house, the relief of not bring burdeoned with the mortgage any longer, space from me, the new job, her new apt, new life, and gets to reneg on the MC. down the line.
How can I respond this evening, so I am not flip flopping in my words and actions if I am indeed being manipulated? Everything i have tried from DB has been one gigantic stand off p!ssing match for the last 6 months. Its made everything worse. The NC, all of it, reclaiming the MBR which I get. Even Sandi said to stop applying her rules, as they are perceive by her as punitive. So its hard for me to trust the process, but I understand how the process is supposed to be for the long haul to R and not short term. To have the WAS feel loss without direct impunity from the LBH. So what do so I do? More of what doesn't work so far? Everyone here is wondering why im flip flopping. I know I shouldn't have initiated or threatened to initiate the D process though.
How can I respond this evening, so I am not flip flopping in my words and actions if I am indeed being manipulated? Everything i have tried from DB has been one gigantic stand off p!ssing match for the last 6 months. Its made everything worse. The NC, all of it, reclaiming the MBR which I get. Even Sandi said to stop applying her rules, as they are perceive by her as punitive. So its hard for me to trust the process, but I understand how the process is supposed to be for the long haul to R and not short term. To have the WAS feel loss without direct impunity from the LBH. So what do so I do? More of what doesn't work so far? Everyone here is wondering why im flip flopping. I know I shouldn't have initiated or threatened to initiate the D process though.
IHCLACS, it seems to me that you have missed the point of DB.
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
For me, the core of Divorce Remedy is two things:
1. Your behavior has an effect on your relationship. You can improve your relationship by changing YOUR behavior. 2. If your relationship is not good, try doing 180s on behaviors and see which changes improve your relationship and which ones don't.
It's important with #2 to look for small changes, not a big reversal on your wife's decision to sell the house and separate. Big changes usually come after she sees consistent changes from you over time. Like, a lot of time. Even if your 180s have been perfect since January, it hasn't been enough time to balance out the years of the previous behavior.
When I read your posts, I still see a lot of references to your wife's issues. For example, from a post on the previous page where you respond to people calling you out for flip flopping, "However. She is a flip flopper too. She has changed her mind about exercising, bariatric surgery, and career choices over the last 4 months."
Focusing on her issues keeps you from focusing on yours.
It's not important what she has on her side of the street. You have more than enough on your side to keep you busy. Anytime you are tempted to write or think "but she . . . " that's a sign that you are taking the focus off you and putting it on her. You can only change you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
IHC, switch your thinking. DBing is for you. Not for her. If you are doing GAL, 180s, and detachment with one on eye on how she reacts then you are doing it wrong. You need to be doing those things without a giving a flip what she thinks and how she reacts. That is what validation is for.
Thanks for reminding me. She was the one that was obsessed with the reality TV star. Fantasy. Wayward fog to the extreme.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just had a realization today. I was running through all the trust issues, behaviors, pet peeve, actions, flip flopping etc of the W and I in my mind. What has bothered me the whole time we have been M. All the issues that have piled up from finances, behaviors, different POV, hurts, slights, offenses, I have owned with humility, and she has not excepted any of hers except for a few major things. And yes we have covered them pretty much with one another. I feel like I have lived with a hypocrite for years who refuses to see, own and acknowledge, and change some of the same behaviors I need to. Im probably one too... and wants to pull power plays on her terms and conditions for control of the situation, relationships, etc. (Maybe A part of me has done with this M as well, struggling for control while projecting.) She is a behavior specialist.
I know a part of me wants to be done, and a part of me wants to approach these issues very prudently, and very deliberately to see if the M can be salvaged from both sides. Because I sure as he'll am not going to do all the changing for her, but for myself. But I have no intentions of R or recommitting to M at this time, unless I am seeing the same amount of effort, action, and changes from her. Trust in a relationship is a give an take two way street, and I don't intend to bend over backwards making improvements on myself if my other half is going to attempt to do the same and half a$$ it.
That's when it all came together for me about the importance of GAL, 180's, detachment, NC, boundaries, validating, space, etc as a whole. People have said it here time and time again. I heard it, I just didn't internalize it. DBing is for YOU not them. Once YOU make those changes, YOU are in a position of power, to move forward either way. YOU get to decide if you want that person in your life still, instead of being rejected by their list of demands, YOU get to be ok no matter what, and YOU take the focus off of them, and put it on yourself, instead of trying to fix them, their perception, etc.
So I decided to look up the definition of PROJECTION, and man does it sum up the majority of the overall dysfunctional dynamics in my M. I am aware that I am doing it, and I don't think she is, and she's a behaviorist. All the things that she wouldn't change to make my life easier, that I chronically complain about, the dishes the, lack of organization in the household, the lethargicness, the lack of follow through, commitment, especially when it came to division of labor. Are the very same things I was doing myself but I was aware of it, and every time she would bring up something against me I would bring up something against her to compare it to. I've always said to her why cannot the behavior see her own behaviors? PROJECTION that is why.
She's been taking full advantage lately of going out every Friday night when I have my son, and I'm off from watching him for that weekend. Something she never wanted to do with me all through out the M because she was too tired and needed to wind down from her workweek. Never wanted to go out on Friday's when I wanted to, even ehen the weather was nice.
Here comes the GGW and the resentment torwards me for her being a mother, and "always having to watch our son" More re-writes.... Oh well time for some more detachment. I'm ignoring her text for "plans"
Guys I need help with something. I need a woman to mansplain this to me. Sandi, DejaVu6, somebody please...lol
I decided to look at various groups on meetup.com just to get my social life back in gear, and just for the sake of it , I searched for single events. Although I am nowhere near ready, I'm not about to even attempt to date anyone, but the wording of this particular event, like many women's divorce articles from surviving to thriving, really caught my attention because it sounds like the same exact stuff relating to self-empowerment that my W is reading, and some of it she is even saying, as I'm sure many here can relate to this.
I understand attraction from a guys POV but that's as far as it goes for me. As far as women who are separated or divorced and attempting in finding love in their life, finding and redefining their identity, and they're authentic self, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it why a woman or how a woman would lose her identity in a relationship, and why all of them self described as if they are walking on eggshells? Particularly in mine, and others situations? To some degree I can understand how they would lose their identity in a very codependent relationship, and I can understand how a lot of women at times can be people pleaser, never setting proper boundaries, being authenticly vulnerable, and assertive in their wants and needs.
It's almost as if I read the same catchphrases and tagwords in all the same divorce articles for women, and although I somewhat have an understanding of a woman's heart, I still have so much more to learn especially at midlife about relationships. I really wish men stuck together more and we're more supportive of one another like women are in a sense.
Here is the event description.
Details FREE tickets for you and a friend because you are in this meetup. You deserve the love of a lifetime: For single women in midlife looking for love This Event Is For You If... ​​​​​​​You’re sick of dating the same person over and over and you’re done doing that… You’re ready for that special love where you’re seen & cherished just as you are… You’re committed to being YOU no matter what, allowing yourself to be fully expressed always in all ways… You’re looking for sisterhood with other women in your boat and wanna have some fun… You’re desiring a safe place to explore why you hold yourself back and are ready for a breakthrough… You want more inner tools to support your vulnerable heart so that your outside love life rocks without it feeling so scary... You’re done abandoning yourself & walking on eggshells and are ridiculously ready to stand strong in what you want and who you are without apology… And so much more…
OUR ITINERARY...
DAY 1: Create your new love story: We will take time to explore what you are truly wanting in this next love chapter and begin the process of letting go of your sabotaging limiting beliefs which continue to hold you back. DAY 2: Magnetize new love: Now that you see how you have been stopping yourself, we light a love fire to attract your next best relationship.
Our Promises…
to you at Find Fabulous Love LIVE
Discover What’s Blocking You From Welcoming In Next Level Love Quiet Your Inner Critic & Squash Your Doubts Amp Up Your Worthiness & Learn How Lovable You Truly Are Reignite Your Fire and Welcome in Hot, Healthy Love Experience Vulnerability In A Whole New Way That’s Not So Scary Connect With Other Sisters On The Same Love Journey Reflect Upon Your Love Life Story And Begin To Change Your Love Story For The Better If you're single and ready for love but feel stuck in some way & you’re a woman in midlife ready to open your heart and trust in love again, this event is a game changer…
Guys I need help with something. I need a woman to mansplain this to me. Sandi, DejaVu6, somebody please...lol
I decided to look at various groups on meetup.com just to get my social life back in gear, and just for the sake of it , I searched for single events. Although I am nowhere near ready, I'm not about to even attempt to date anyone, but the wording of this particular event, like many women's divorce articles from surviving to thriving, really caught my attention because it sounds like the same exact stuff relating to self-empowerment that my W is reading, and some of it she is even saying, as I'm sure many here can relate to this.
I understand attraction from a guys POV but that's as far as it goes for me. As far as women who are separated or divorced and attempting in finding love in their life, finding and redefining their identity, and they're authentic self, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it why a woman or how a woman would lose her identity in a relationship, and why all of them self described as if they are walking on eggshells? Particularly in mine, and others situations? To some degree I can understand how they would lose their identity in a very codependent relationship, and I can understand how a lot of women at times can be people pleaser, never setting proper boundaries, being authenticly vulnerable, and assertive in their wants and needs.
It's almost as if I read the same catchphrases and tagwords in all the same divorce articles for women, and although I somewhat have an understanding of a woman's heart, I still have so much more to learn especially at midlife about relationships. I really wish men stuck together more and we're more supportive of one another like women are in a sense.
Here is the event description.
Details FREE tickets for you and a friend because you are in this meetup. You deserve the love of a lifetime: For single women in midlife looking for love This Event Is For You If... ​​​​​​​You’re sick of dating the same person over and over and you’re done doing that… You’re ready for that special love where you’re seen & cherished just as you are… You’re committed to being YOU no matter what, allowing yourself to be fully expressed always in all ways… You’re looking for sisterhood with other women in your boat and wanna have some fun… You’re desiring a safe place to explore why you hold yourself back and are ready for a breakthrough… You want more inner tools to support your vulnerable heart so that your outside love life rocks without it feeling so scary... You’re done abandoning yourself & walking on eggshells and are ridiculously ready to stand strong in what you want and who you are without apology… And so much more…
OUR ITINERARY...
DAY 1: Create your new love story: We will take time to explore what you are truly wanting in this next love chapter and begin the process of letting go of your sabotaging limiting beliefs which continue to hold you back. DAY 2: Magnetize new love: Now that you see how you have been stopping yourself, we light a love fire to attract your next best relationship.
Our Promises…
to you at Find Fabulous Love LIVE
Discover What’s Blocking You From Welcoming In Next Level Love Quiet Your Inner Critic & Squash Your Doubts Amp Up Your Worthiness & Learn How Lovable You Truly Are Reignite Your Fire and Welcome in Hot, Healthy Love Experience Vulnerability In A Whole New Way That’s Not So Scary Connect With Other Sisters On The Same Love Journey Reflect Upon Your Love Life Story And Begin To Change Your Love Story For The Better If you're single and ready for love but feel stuck in some way & you’re a woman in midlife ready to open your heart and trust in love again, this event is a game changer…
Well I'm wondering the same thing . My W had said the same things man. " I lost my identity , i dont know who i am anymore " like what? how is that even possible?
A man's heart and a woman's heart are very different. A man's heart comes with respect self respect and success, trust, and being somewhat vulnerable, but not a bag of wuss. a man's heart and identity is cemented in their goals and achievements as well as their principles, and core.
A woman's heart I will never fully understand, but have an idea. Because they are so subjected to feelings, passion, and romanticism. I feel like that these ingredients are needed for a good healthy relationship, but it doesn't define unconditional love to me. How do we get better as men at practicing seeing women for who they really are and showing that they are seen? This is what mystifies me in having a male ego. Men are so simple minded and hearted, women are very complex when it comes to relationships.
