My 180's are other than where her habits affect S1. I don't criticize anymore, I don't get as angry, frustrated, or scary. Sahara me raising my voice when I'm passionate about something or defensive, scares her. I've never full-blown yelled at her. I talk calmly and evenly now without trying to sound condescending to her. I've stopped trying to control things I know I can't control. I try to regulate my emotions better especially when frustrated. I spend more time with S1 and try to help alleviate her when she needs it. I am more thoughtful and considerate when it comes to her love language of gift-giving and actions. I try to remain more upbeat and sociable unless negative talk to myself and everyone around me, I empathize more. I try to remain more present, and listen better. I'm still having a hard time following through with my actions against my words as far as completing things. I haven't been taken as good care of myself as I should but have been trying. Because I still haven't quit smoking, I shower every night now instead of every morning before I go to bed. I go to sleep consistently now at the same time instead of falling asleep with my phone on the couch. Eventually I'll try and quit again. My working out hasn't been consistent. but I have been going for a lot of walks. More financially involved. I have a list of the notebook I'll mention some more later. There are probably some more important ones as far as actions that I need to implement consistently. But behavioral ones are definitely getting better
Trick question for people on here. What is more important? Intact family or Lone Independence and freedom?
I do not see them as opposing, unless I am not understanding what you mean by lone independence and freedom. In fact, I would argue that self-differentiation, and having a life as an individual are a key to a healthy marriage AND an intact family.
Did I misunderstand the question?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well I guess I got my wish... She didn't ask me how my day was today...
Be careful what you wish for. Further, I would have advised you NOT to ask her to stop. Just remain detached in answering. "It was good, thanks for asking."
Something short and simple.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nothing to jump for joy about, but its a start on the right direction. I decided to make myself a little vulnerable this morning after a text from the W regarding the house sale. Please review text and advise if I handled it ok, and any room for improvement or critique is welcome.
W: I contacted the realtor about seeing the house. Can you be available next Sunday to meet with her? Me: What time? W: I haven't set a time yet W: She is available this weekend but I want to clean first. Me:Ok. I really don't want to do this, but i guess im going to have to. Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure we can't discuss our trust issues, and work things out? W: I thought you said to go ahead with the realtor? Me: Ok. I will make myself available Saturday afternoon and work on the yard, and probably patching the basement wall. Me: I did say go ahead with the realtor. Because I'm facing the inevitable realisticly. But its not what I want. I don't want to sell the house I have to. I don't want to go down this road with you, but because I have to. Me: Lets start with the realtor appointment. Couldn't hurt to get an assessment for now. We can discuss things tonight if you are willing? W: I'm not ready for a divorce, I've told you numerous times that I want to separate because I need space to work things out... you've insisted on jumping straight to a divorce Because you dont want to wait. If it's all or nothing and you're not willing to give me time, then you'll do what you have to. Either way, I need to be done with the mortgage so I can pay off debt and have the ability to work from home. W:If you want to stay in the house, but me out. But again... I need you to make a decision and stick with it. I need action and follow through, no more flip flopping. Me: Yeah i know you have been pretty consistent, and understand the financial and career transition for your health, well being, and happiness.
Its not about the house, its about broken trust. I'm willing. Although I am going to miss a lot of the freedoms, and not so much of the upkeep, its just a house. Its just a mortgage. I'm being forced to sell OUR HOME with no incentives from you torwards future other than "lets wait and see how this plays out" "I need time and space"
I get that too, and understand that and why. Im willing to blindly trust you and the process, this way we can both make a clear headed non emotional decision on what WE are and what WE are not going forward. But these trust issues need to be resolved.
W: We both have trust issues with one another, I dont know if I can live with you again? Me:Feeling is mutual. I know you need time, and actions speak louder than words. But are you willing to talk about these trust issues with me and try to find a solution. I need to know what you need from me, and what I can do to resolve these trust issues. Aguing about them, and sitting on them and stewing gets us nowhere. Me: Im trying to extend the olive branch, before making one or several decisions I may regret later.
W:Im willing to do therapy with you, but you have to know that I'm not guaranteeing that we will stay together. I want to do therapy to see if we can work through these issues.
Me:Perfect. I've been wanting to ask you that for the last two weeks, if I can be invited to therapy. I don't need guarantees right now. I need willingness and effort, so at least we can really say we both tried on both sides.
W:You say you're willing now... are you going to change your mind in a few days?
Me:No. Im solid on this. I've wanting, and hoping for joint therapy since December. and still want it and always did want it. I just thought you weren't comfortable with me being there back in JAN.
W:Scheduling is an issue, it has to be a weekend
Me: I was willing in October i was willing in Jan and i am willing now. I think we just miscommunicated our intentions, and presumably applied the other persons responses to our own beliefs and perceptions.
W: Who do you want to do sessions with?
Me: I can understand why the flip flopping, and the disappoint of hope would lead you to get this far in the first place. That must be frustrating, especially experiencing it for several years.
Me: I want us to agree on a counceler together. One that is equipped and experience to find joint marital solutions, and not necessarily just going round and round bringing up old wounds, old feelings, and remaining stuck. Focus should be solutions, not problems, new dynamics, not old ones. We can talk about this later.
Well I guess I got my wish... She didn't ask me how my day was today...
Be careful what you wish for. Further, I would have advised you NOT to ask her to stop. Just remain detached in answering. "It was good, thanks for asking."
Something short and simple.
^^^Yup, exactly^^^
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
I was considering in creating a polite respectful boundary on this and asking the W not to ask this any longer. I know she is just being polite and would ask this of any typical family member or friend.
The reason why I would like to cease her asking me this every day, because it maintains the marital dynamic to me from my POV.
That doesn't even make sense. You say you know she's just being polite and "would ask this of any typical family member or friend", but you don't want to continue because "it maintains the marital dynamic"? How so? If she would say it to anyone then it has absolutely nothing to do with the M. And your first thought is correct, she's just being polite. It doesn't mean a thing. This is why Steve's suggestion is appropriate.
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I almost wanted to ask her? Are you going to ask me that every time we exchange S1 in the future? Or do you just plan to say hi?
I'm glad you didn't ask that! That sounds really petty, and bratty even.
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Please review text and advise if I handled it ok, and any room for improvement or critique is welcome.
No I don't think it was handled well. You sound all over the place, and your W pretty much said that too. You don't want S, but you want D. You want to sell the house. No you don't. D is what you want. No it isn't, you're being forced to. You want counseling. Or do you? You're supposed to be pulling back, doing NOTHING to help S or D or sell the house and leaving all of that to your W. You don't fight her on it, if she needs info you give it to her. But you're not supposed to be pushing it through yourself unless you are 100% sure that's what you want.
I have no choice but to sell the house. But that isn't what I want. She wants to make a career change this summer, hates her current job which she feels she has had to maintain the mortgage, and we can't afford to maintain mortgage if she transitions to what she wants to do this summer (Going from teacher behavioral specialist to health coach.) , and I can't afford to buy her out.
So in other words AS by not fighting her on it. I should respond " If that is what you need" and give her info, etc... Remain neutral. Don't fight it but don't agree with it, and let her do the heavy lifting.
I know I have to trust the process, but the process is what has made things worse over the last 6 months, but I do get what everyone is saying about doing nothing is doing something, and leaning back, but not fighting.
My 180's are other than where her habits affect S1. I don't criticize anymore, I don't get as angry, frustrated, or scary. Sahara me raising my voice when I'm passionate about something or defensive, scares her. I've never full-blown yelled at her. I talk calmly and evenly now without trying to sound condescending to her. I've stopped trying to control things I know I can't control. I try to regulate my emotions better especially when frustrated. I spend more time with S1 and try to help alleviate her when she needs it. I am more thoughtful and considerate when it comes to her love language of gift-giving and actions. I try to remain more upbeat and sociable unless negative talk to myself and everyone around me, I empathize more. I try to remain more present, and listen better. I'm still having a hard time following through with my actions against my words as far as completing things. I haven't been taken as good care of myself as I should but have been trying. Because I still haven't quit smoking, I shower every night now instead of every morning before I go to bed. I go to sleep consistently now at the same time instead of falling asleep with my phone on the couch. Eventually I'll try and quit again. My working out hasn't been consistent. but I have been going for a lot of walks. More financially involved. I have a list of the notebook I'll mention some more later. There are probably some more important ones as far as actions that I need to implement consistently. But behavioral ones are definitely getting better
It is easier if you write them as bullet points .
What I see as good . 1) Sleep - essential, makes the rest easier 2) don’t criticize 3) talking calmly
The bad 1) gym and smoking. If she doesn’t smoke this should be your no.1 action 2) I see lots of trying. DO or do not young Jedi
The more you tell us the more accurate help you will get . I feel you left off some of the details in the texts and looking at them she gave short sentences and yours were long. If she wants to see consistent changes what will she see ? The only consistent thing I am getting is your flip flopping
Ok I can see that with the flip flopping. The flip flopping has occurred over months based on changes, and how much action has been actually executed over the last 6 months. I know i have been a bit reactive evem while taking the time to think things through. I do understand that my changes have to be consistent. However. She is a flip flopper too. She has changed her mind about exercising, bariatric surgery, and career choices over the last 4 months. So its almost like I feel like a flip flopper is placating to another flip flopper, who cannot accept the fact that they are a flip flopper too. I didn't leave out any details, if anything im too detailed because i want to convey full info and looking for proper advise from board.
IHC, what was the breakthrough? Therapy? You know MC has almost no chance of working. MC has a low success rate to begin with. It is almost NIL when one spouse is not committed to the marriage.
She agreed to it to get you to help her with the house. Very common WAS manipulation technique.
I can't remember. Is she in a PA or EA? Or was she?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
