Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
There is no hurry to D if she isn't pushing for it. I know you feel like you have to take action, and like this is the only action open to you. I absolutely get that (I think that's a human thing not a gender thing!) But sometimes NOT taking action can be braver than just waiting and sitting with that discomfort and those feelings of powerlessness and fear.
The gender thing: don't file because you think you'll look weak or less of a man if you don't. Everyone is entitled to take their time and also to change their minds, men included. You shouldn't flip flop this way and that, that *will* look weak. But yes, give it your best shot. Sit on those impulses to do something and take action and reject her. If you do D, do it from a place of strength not impulsivity.

Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Steve85
Marc, why were you fighting so much? Are one of both of you a "right fighter"? IE you'd rather be right than happy? Do you look back and see that the majority of the fights didn't even matter? That you could have given in, avoided a fight, and been better for it?

When my wife and I would fight (and we are both stonewallers, by the way, or were), it usually had to do with something bigger than the actual fight. I wasn't sexually fulfilled so I was over critical and nitpicking her. Since I was so surly and angry all the time she had a very low tolerance for me. Since I was nitpicking her the minute I didn't pick something up, or clean up after myself she'd make a big deal about it. The thing we were fighting about wasn't REALLY what we were fighting about.

So not fighting wasn't going to fix the problem. Only fixing the problem, underlying, would fix the problem.

Did you understand why you were fighting? Have you 180'd on anything that might help relieve it?

Finally, you seem to be at the point of giving up. Marc it takes two people, working together, to make a marriage. It only takes one person to make a divorce. Either one person wants a D and pursues it. Or one person gives up and eventually the other one gives up and pursues D.

So you need to answer that for yourself. Are you at the point where you are done trying? If so, then go file and see it through. My guess is that if that were the case, you would have done that. Which makes me think, that the reason you are posting here, is because you aren't there yet.

Look, this is the hardest thing any of us has had to go through (unless someone fought a deadly disease). Patience, longsuffering, perseverance are all attributes you absolutely MUST possess if you have any chance of saving your marriage. LBSs always gets frustrated with WAS's lack of "knowing". "Do you want a D?" "I don't know." "How long should we keep trying?" "I don't know." Rarely will you get a straight answer. And for some LBS's that is worse than being given the bad news.

Here is the thing Marc, I too came here.....after 6 weeks of limbo, asking "when is enough, enough?" And a very wise vet gave me this nugget: limbo is the gift of time. It allows you to work on your 180s, and demonstrate them to your S. It allows you to work on GAL and show that to your S. It allows you to work on detachment and self-differentiation and to become a spouse only a fool would leave! Would ripping off the bandaid make healing quicker? Yes. But it might not heal the way you want it to.

So relax. Take it easy. Breathe. Let things work themselves out. Your W isn't running full long into separation and D. Many of the posters here would kill to have that dynamic going on in their sitch.

One thing that we don't talk enough about here is that these sitches require you to grow up and mature. Being grown up and having maturity mean not having to have what you think you want the minute you want it. Being a grown up and being mature mean you realize that good things come to those that wait. That anything worthwhile isn't acquired overnight. That putting the cart before the horse rarely gets you to where you want to go.

So slow down and coast for a while. Stop thinking you have to be doing SOMETHING. Many times the best thing you can do in these things is nothing but wait.

Sorry you are here, but I am glad you found this place in your sitch. We can help. We can offer support.


Steve85. I was about to pull the trigger on initiating the D this week. Told the W, copied the paperwork, etc.. You are right about being emotionally mature, and having patience. I need to reevaluate. Thanks for this message.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
IH, so in summary you're demanding a divorce because you feel like selling the house sooner rather than later is a deal-killer? I don't really understand that. Why is a physical object driving you to end the marriage to the person you love? Personally I think you are doing this for different reasons, like so many before you, you are hoping that waving the D flag will wake her up and snap her out of her fog. It WILL NOT, you are simply giving her what she already wants, and YOU are doing all the work for her! You're also giving her the perfect "out" for her friends and family, she can now simply tell them that YOU are the one that pursued D. Is this really what you want?

Quote
Devised in my own mind. I do have a list of requirements as I would also ask her if she had a list of hers if she ever did want to reconcile, about what we both need to change and how we can work together to change it. She doesn't know this and I'm not putting much hope in it as of right now.


So you just threatened her with divorce and now you want to negotiate the terms of recon? Seems like you are kind of all over the place. Just pull back, take a deep breath and center yourself. Leave your W alone and think long and hard about what you want. Maybe in the end you decide you do want to pursue D but your mind needs to be in the right place to make that decision and I don't think it is right now.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
AS is right, it will not snap her out of it. I tried a couple of things like that in my situation and guess what it backfired. 2. Things to remember, if you truly do not want d then don’t do it. You will regret it later. Second, like AS said she will tell everyone including you that you want the d and she never initiated it. I know it’s hard, just be patient she is hurting too. My w said something to me the other day and reading your situation it sounds very similar. She said that she has been “suffering” for 2 years and I only have been “suffering” for 8 months. So, whether it’s consciously or subconsciously sometimes they feel we need to suffer like they did. Again, not saying she is doing this on purpose but they feel the “suffering” has not been equal.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I am 95% sure I want to D. I discussed incident with IC, and we both agreed I should be making decision from strength and not fear. I will hold back on filing. I'm not waiting around though for 2 or 3 years for her to figure it out, or her life and what she wants to do with it separated... I thought about my trust issues and deal breakers, and even though I'm adamant about it being my line in the sand, it didn't make sence even to myself logically after I really thought it through from all broad angles and possibilities.

Ive been daydreaming today of GAL activities. Im going to ramp it up. I have asked W for documents. She is still under the impression I am filing. I'm going to sit on it for now. Ironically we are getting along a lot better, talking more, and she is initiating convo. I think she is temp checking me. I wasn't implying terms of recon AS, I just wanted to make a list just in case for future, addressing living conditions, and trust issues. I wasn't planning on presenting them to her. WM i know they have been hurting far longer than we have, and we ate just getting a taste. I've had the same discussion with W before, and I try to be aware of that. Maybe THEY need to communicate that better, instead of just ruminating on it for years and BD ing us, and listing everything they think has been wrong with the M. But we are just supposed to "get it"

As far as friends and family I love them to death, and even look forward with hanging with them in future, but I really don't care what people think of me. Ill welcome their thoughts and opinions and considerations openly, but other people's oppinion of me is none of my business including my WAW. I've always been a "lone wolf" in that sense.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
IH, nice to hear that you are reconsidering. Remember that you can always file later. There is no rush on this. Make sure you what you really want. Any reasonable doubt and you should wait.

Patience..............


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Okay I need to ask a quick question regarding healthy boundaries, responses an deattachment, even though Steve 85 has pointed me in the direction of self differentiation early on in my sich which is great.

I know this is my own POV, but I can use some feedback in responding to such. Everyday when I come home the W still ask me How was my day, and vice versa. I typically respond with short direct answers from whether it was good or not and why. Typically I remain upbeat and positive regardless of whether it was good or bad.

I was considering in creating a polite respectful boundary on this and asking the W not to ask this any longer. I know she is just being polite and would ask this of any typical family member or friend.

The reason why I would like to cease her asking me this every day, because it maintains the marital dynamic to me from my POV.

Very early on in my stitch, my W complained that we never talk about anything or have nothing to talk about anymore, and that our convos turned into superficial, "How was your day...good..How was your day..good" conversations. But yet she still continues this dynamic to this day, along with once in a while asking me for life advice, or making speculative suggestions with what I should do with my life, hobbies, etc. I thank her for her compliments and suggestions, but I'm trying not to continue the marital dynamics since she "fired me as her husband" She avoids any other emotional discussions. But will bring some personal things up on occaisionally which kind of blurs the lines from me. I think she still does some of these things out of past habit. She calls me babe on then corrects herself, which has happened at least 8 times since BD.

I actually asked her yesterday. Just out of pure curiosity? How important is it to you? She said that knowing how my day was is important to her and that she does care. I acknowledge that and thanked her. Although I know it's in a platonic sense and she is just being polite

I almost wanted to ask her? Are you going to ask me that every time we exchange S1 in the future? Or do you just plan to say hi?

I know this sounds really petty and stupid of me, but I feel like if I allow her to continue asking me such, it blurs the lines and continues parts of the marital dynamic in a sense, along with her asking me for advice in her life, making suggestions what I should do with mine in my hobbies, etc... I know she's just trying to be caring and helpful, and means well. But I'm looking to politefully and respectfully address the blurring of the lines between M and S , by creating some emotional boundaries of my own for detachment.

Am I being a punitive jackass in creating sense of loss and emotional boundaries? Or do I have a valid point? How can i address this in a healthy but very subtle and balanced way?





Last edited by IHCLACS; 04/10/19 10:19 PM.
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Well I guess I got my wish... She didn't ask me how my day was today...

Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Trick question for people on here. What is more important? Intact family or Lone Independence and freedom?

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
What are your 180’s ?

Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard