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Holding Offline OP
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Yes, I have thought about it. We already have 50/50 custody, with neither of us being the primary parent. Me getting more custody would tip the scales and would be a difficult victory. But after last night, I'm thinking about it a lot.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted by Holding
Doodler - Thanks for confirming my approach. Has your XW mellowed yet? Is that even a realistic expectation?


Holding,

The short answer is, yes, my XW has mellowed, but it was a rough ride getting to that destination. And to be fair, I'm sure if I'd always been at my best behavior it probably would've been a little easier. And yes, I think it's a realistic expectation that your XW will eventually mellow.

To give you a little background, my XW filed a motion for contempt against me. Part of the settlement for the motion was to hire a parenting coordinator. I thought having a parenting coordinator would be a good thing, but in our second session with the parenting coordinator, the parenting coordinator insisted that I wanted to get back together with my XW. I got up and walked out and I've never returned. (I assume my XW told the parenting coordinator that I wanted her back, but I don't know that for certain, it's just an assumption.)

Several months later, my XW tried to have me arrested for paying a bill via her checking account (that's not what happened). I sat through two police interrogations. (I think they call it an "interview," but believe me, it was an interrogation.) It was brutal, but I told the truth. There was certainly no reason to do otherwise because I'd done nothing wrong. I don't know what happened behind the scenes regarding the interactions with my XW and the cops, but I assume that the cops figured out that I wasn't the problem. I think the cops talked to the parental coordinator as well, because, after the cop incident, my XW started going to the parenting coordinator again. (She'd stopped going after the session when I'd walked out.) That seemed to be the turning point with my XW and the change was welcomed.

So, the longer answer to your question is, your wife will probably mellow, but it seems like they have to go to a very low and dark place before they're ready to play nice.

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Some updates from me...

S16 has hit a low point. He's struggled with school for some time now and is failing 4 classes. His GF broke up with him, and he's taken it really hard. He's refusing to go to school. When he brakes a rule and doesn't like my consequences, he threatens to move to XW's house and never come back.

This week he was diagnosed with severe depression and his psychiatrist recommended an inpatient mental hospital. So on Monday night, XW and I dropped him off at a hospital for a stay of around 7 to 15 days. After we dropped him off, XW left ASAP, where I thought this might be a moment for us to find some common ground.

I hope this helps S16, but I feel bad that things have gone this far for him. Yesterday I met with the therapist at the hospital, and he said S16 broke down crying in a group session that morning because he blames himself for the D. He's never wanted to talk about the D, even to his IC, so this was a good step for him. But it makes me angry at XW.

Things with XW continue to be terse. She will sometimes hang up on me - the last time it happened all I could do was laugh and put the phone down. She doesn't message me much on OFW any more, and has actually taken to sometimes ignoring my messages on OFW. I don't really care, as long as the kids needs are met.

I was dating someone for about a month and things seemed to be going well, but she got weirdly possessive and jealous of my time and withdrew. With everything going on with my son, I just didn't have the mental energy to deal with R issues and I ended things.

I'm taking a break from OLD for a while to focus on my son as well as sort through things in my head. I'm starting to see I have some trust issues...


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Holding Offline OP
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S16 was discharged from the hospital, and now he's in daily outpatient group therapy. He spent last week with me, and we actually had a very good week together. He was much more helpful that usual, I gave him more space, and he got the things done he needed to do (not staying up all night, waking up on time and being ready, helping with chores). He opened up a little about his feelings with me. I hope things continue like this.

---------------------------------------

S16's hospitalization was an unexpected expense for XW - over $2k. (Background: Because of her significantly higher yearly income, she agreed in mediation to be responsible for all insurance, medical, dental, and vision costs. With that said, the financial scales are still tipped heavily in her favor, but she is constantly struggling financially for some reason.)

She asked me to split the hospital expense with her. I replied that it was her responsibility, but I was willing to offer $400. (Keep in mind we communicate exclusively through the OFW website). She accepted, but not before trying to shame me about my "overly generous contribution". Then she demanded I send the money directly to her father, because that's where she borrowed the money from. I replied that I would only pay the money directly to her through the OFW website.

The next day I got a text message from her father that read: "I have tried to stay out this sh1t between you and my daughter, but I have to say you are the biggest f*cking @$$hole I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. You are the most deadbeat father of all time. Congratulations f*ck face."

I didn't respond. I just blocked him. And I sent the message to XW on OFW saying this is the reason I do not want to enter into any financial arrangements with her father. She continued to demand a check from me, and I reiterated that I would only make a payment through the OFW website. She sent a final demand, which I didn't respond to. Now there's been a week of silence from her. The calm before the storm...

I'd hoped the hospitalization would've given XW and me some common ground to co-exist.

---------------------------------------

I've been reading a lot about BPD and narcissism. I think it helps me understand XW's entitled and demanding behavior. It explains why she flies into a rage when she's told "no", and why she needs to always be the victim.

I still think about the mistakes I made in the M, how maybe I didn't react the right way or nurture the R. I do well for a long stretch, and then I feel myself slipping when XW starts a fight about money (the last one was when she tried to get me to split the IRS debt that she hid during mediation, debt that was in her name only).

I recently had an interesting dream: I was walking in an office building, where the hallways were like a maze. I came across XW, who was stopped with her bags on the ground, and she looked lost. She greeted me happily with a smile, as if we were still married. I looked at her sideways, and asked if she was feeling ok. She said she felt disoriented and couldn't remember anything. I said "good luck with that", and kept on walking. After a minute, I felt this really powerful urge to find her and say something. So I retraced my steps, but she was no longer there. I searched frantically for a few minutes, but finally found her. I said, "Look, before everything that's happened comes rushing back to you, I want you to know I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed, and I wish things had turned out different." She just looked confused and said "ok", and that was it.

My IC says I should tell XW that in person. I don't expect XW to have any favorable reaction to it (most likely it'll be anger). I just feel like it's something I need to free myself from. On the other had, would this be giving her narcissistic supply?

---------------------------------------

One of my divorced friends described the "yearning" - the powerful feeling to establish a new romantic R after D. Then at some point after a year or so, the yearning goes away, and you start to feel complete on your own. Since I've taken a break from OLD, I think my yearning has gone. I'm realizing how stressful OLD was, and I'm much more at ease without it. I don't have the same drive to get out and date like I used to. I'm cool to just "be".


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Quote
My IC says I should tell XW that in person. I don't expect XW to have any favorable reaction to it (most likely it'll be anger). I just feel like it's something I need to free myself from. On the other had, would this be giving her narcissistic supply?


I probably wouldn't do this right now when she is all riled up. Maybe later when things have cooled. But don't expect a positive reaction from it. And be careful it doesn't give her the impression you are wanting to get back together with her.

I'm sorry about your son, it's so difficult when our children suffer from depression. There are many causes and this may be situational, but don't forget that exercise, sunshine and healthy whole foods play a role in recovering as well.

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Originally Posted by Holding
The next day I got a text message from her father that read: "I have tried to stay out this sh1t between you and my daughter, but I have to say you are the biggest f*cking @$$hole I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. You are the most deadbeat father of all time. Congratulations f*ck face."


Wow, just wow! I don't know your R with your ex or pretty much any of it - which may be good for perspective here. So from where I sit, knowing just a little bit from what you've said, as a matter of legal court decree, you DO NOT have to pay her anything. This entire $2K falls on her - by her own agreement. So anything you offer to contribute is A GIFT. If it were me, after getting that response from both her father and then from her, I'd be saying "You know what, after further thought, I'm not going to contribute anything since it is obviously not at all appreciated." and be done with it. I mean you owe her NOTHING - you try to be a nice guy and see what it gets you? Why even bother? This is the only way people like this MIGHT and I stress MIGHT be able to get a clue. You teach people how to treat you and she's clearly been taught she can treat you like crap and still get what she wants. I'd pay her nothing and thank her father for it - but that's just me.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Kml, thanks for the suggestion on talking to XW. I agree that now is not the time for that. I'm trying to promote healthy habits with S16, though it is challenging to get him out the house.

Don, you're right. XW was used to getting her way with me in the M. She'll take a mile if you gave an inch. Ever since in-house separation, I haven't been going for it. I thought maybe it was time to loosen up and show some compassion. But you've got me re-thinking my approach. I can't ever expect her to change, I can only do what I think is right for me and my kids.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Holding Offline OP
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So last night at my house I was served papers. XW is petitioning the court for full custody. Here we go again. Not sure how much I should say on this site, except that all of her claims are total BS.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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Sorry H.....it could be a play to get you to pay her CS. I have no advice other than get a L.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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