S13 and S16 are ok. S13 is doing very well in school, but he still struggles with the emotional fallout of D. About a month ago he asked me what I thought life would be like if XW and I had not gotten a D. I told him I didn't know, but things are different now, and that doesn't mean they can't be good in their own way. I feel bad for the guy. He calls me crying sometimes saying he misses me. It breaks my heart that my kids live like gypsies, moving from house to house. All this still makes me angry at XW.
S16 is a full-fledged teenager, with a girlfriend. He doesn't talk about the D. But he's failing 3 classes and gives zero sh1ts. He's got punishments and phone restrictions at both my house and his mom's. He's always struggled in school (which I don't understand since he is super smart), but it's gotten worse since the D. At this rate he'll never get his license. This may be his act of rebellion, trying to control something in his life. And yes, both kids are seeing an IC.
Dealing with XW
She's kind of a train wreck. She's had 4 car accidents since December of 2017. She's being audited by the IRS. It looks like she's putting on weight again (can't blame that on me any more LOL).
Around Christmas, things with XW started to get pretty toxic, with nasty messages on OFW (ourfamilywizard) from her. The main point of contention for her was money, and feeling she was screwed in the D. She tries to get me to pay for things that are not in the decree, or even things that the decree says she must pay for. She's in full victim mode. On OFW she called me arrogant and then dropped this beauty: "I suggest you save your money..."
After that, I realized I had to keep contact to a minimum with her, for my own mental health. I ignore all text messages unless they are an emergency. I keep my messages on OFW to one or 2 sentences - short and sweet. I don't respond to anything negative or accusatory. This is starting to pay off, and I'm finally getting some peace. XW has reduced the number of OFW messages she sends, and that also makes me wonder if she has a BF - in which case YAY!!!!! She's got something to do with herself!
XW texted me to say XBiL got into a bad accident and was in intensive care. Numerous broken bones, can't move his arms, etc. I texted XSiL to offer my thoughts and prayers. I thought about stopping by the hospital, but I think it'd be way too uncomfortable, given everything that's happened. XW is having to watch her sister's kids on many nights because of all this. I used to be the one carrying the load during times like this, but not any more. It's all on her.
Thinking back on my M, I can honestly say I would still be stuck there if XW had not pushed for D. I would've done anything for my kids and to spare them from all this pain, and my sense of commitment is too strong. But now that I've seen XW's dark side, I don't see how I could ever go back in that bottle. The financial, domestic, and personal freedom I have in my life now is amazing. So in that small regard, thank you XW.
Dating
OLD continues (26 first dates so far), but I'm getting cynical. On the other hand, it's helping me see that I do want a LTR. I feel my heart opening up to the possibility as I move through the dating process.
I recently went on 3 dates with someone I really liked. The chemistry on the first date was AMAZING, and for about a day afterwards, I was on cloud 9, feeling like a young infatuated kid. It was a great feeling and something I haven't felt in about 20 years. The second date was great too, as was the third, but I was starting to see that maybe she was love-bombing me. She was really into astrology, and was convinced that we were a "power couple". Plus there was lots of teasing with no pay off, and she even told me she gave up sex for lent. Seriously, that's like saying, "I'm a good catholic, so I've given up bank robbing for lent". Anyway, it all got to be too much drama (there was still an XBF in the picture), so I ended it. I'm not sure how much of it was real on her end. It could have all been an ego trip for her, and maybe she was even in a serious R with someone. I felt somewhat used, and I was honestly a little mad at myself for letting my feelings get the better of me. But the feelings I had were still real.
I've noticed I'm most attracted to women who show outward signs of affection for me: saying they like me, touching, long hugs, good kisses. I like the clear feedback, as opposed to women who play it close to the chest with their feelings. Maybe that's because that was so severely lacking in my M. When I met XW a long time ago, she made no secret of how much she liked me and wanted to be with me. So I'm "succeptible" to that sorta thing. I'm not eager to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
So strange how WAS's become so nasty. I always thought it was an exaggerated cliche. And certainly not how I played my cards. But apparently people don't think they're out of line, they feel they are right. Some strange narrative that they were diminished in the marriage like a fragile flower that was being trampled on, and now they are rediscovering who they are, and becoming horribly abusive is becoming empowered and embracing themselves.
100% agree with how you're handling it. See my last post on my thread, it's about the exact same thing.
Strangely enough I'm going through similar problems with my son and his schooling. That's a page or two earlier on my thread. He's not failing yet, just doing poorly. But school isn't about intelligence, it's about obedience. Man, I wish there was a better way to educate children than classrooms. If I could do it all again I would have moved mountains to have home schooled. I read to my children, talk to them about various issues, and any time something comes up we don't know much about we make it a spot project to learn up on it. Exploring the world should be fun. But I can't do classrooms. Oh well, life will go on. Hopefully he at least graduates high school.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
H....my xw is not over the top nasty but it still amazes me to this day that she seemingly can just write off 17 years together with little or no emotion and be so detached. I am not sure that I will ever be able reconcile that in my mind. The only thing I ever tried to do was be a good husband and father, I provided for our family, was there for our children, etc. and she acts like I have some contagious disease. It is mind boggling to say the least.
So strange how WAS's become so nasty. I always thought it was an exaggerated cliche. And certainly not how I played my cards. But apparently people don't think they're out of line, they feel they are right. Some strange narrative that they were diminished in the marriage like a fragile flower that was being trampled on, and now they are rediscovering who they are, and becoming horribly abusive is becoming empowered and embracing themselves.
100% agree with how you're handling it. See my last post on my thread, it's about the exact same thing.
Thanks! The WAS's have to tell themselves stories to make their lives easier. At one point last year, I think it was close to Christmas when all the other stuff was going down, she messaged me "Holding, I am not married to you anymore and you can no longer manipulate me". I was just stupefied.
I went and read your post, as well as the original post you linked to. I have to say, your table on feelings and what the other person is feeling was invaluable to me. I printed that out and carried it in my wallet for the longest time. It helped me get through some rough spots.
The school thing is so painful, like watching someone drown and being unable to save them. Like you, I hope my son just graduates.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
H....my xw is not over the top nasty but it still amazes me to this day that she seemingly can just write off 17 years together with little or no emotion and be so detached. I am not sure that I will ever be able reconcile that in my mind. The only thing I ever tried to do was be a good husband and father, I provided for our family, was there for our children, etc. and she acts like I have some contagious disease. It is mind boggling to say the least.
J9, I bet she does have moments of emotion, she just hides them. I think what you're looking for is validation. You want to hear from her that, even though she no longer loves you, she did at one time, and she did value you. If you ever do get that from her, you'll probably be so deep in "meh" that it won't register. Validation is not coming from her.
And also, rock on, Big Smooth!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
He's always struggled in school (which I don't understand since he is super smart)
The hallmark of a dual diagnosis kid. He can be gifted and have ADD. He can be gifted and dyslexic. He can be gifted and have short term memory probems. Or he can be REALLY gifted and be bored stiff in school.
If he's never been carefully evaluated for learning disabilities I suggest you get him tested.
Also, he's old enough to request to live with you full time - do you think that would help?
And - drug test. Even if you don't think it's possible. Listen to the voice of experience.
After that, I realized I had to keep contact to a minimum with her, for my own mental health. I ignore all text messages unless they are an emergency. I keep my messages on OFW to one or 2 sentences - short and sweet. I don't respond to anything negative or accusatory. This is starting to pay off, and I'm finally getting some peace. XW has reduced the number of OFW messages she sends, and that also makes me wonder if she has a BF - in which case YAY!!!!! She's got something to do with herself!
Holding,
I had a similar experience with my XW and I took the same approach; any interaction was via OFW and everything was kept to a minimum. That really helped.
Thanks H...I am already starting to get to MEH and I really don't think about it too much. Our conversations are very limited to topics about our daughters. I have my girls this week and outside of the 5 min kid exchange I have spoken to her once and that was to let her know how our daughters dentist appointment went. Even that was about a 1 minute in length.
I know I will probably never fully understand and that is actually pretty common amongst us that didn't want the D but it still is very hard to comprehend during those moments when it enters my mind.
As far as OLD goes it seems to me that if someone comes on to you really strong and just immediately inserts themselves into your life they usually just got dumped and are trying to heal. I have had 2 girls do that to me and it fizzled just as quickly as it got started.
KML - Thanks for the suggestions. Both my sons are ADHD and on meds. Living with me full time might help, but I don't know if S16 would go for that. S13 might. That's a big decision and I need to weigh things carefully. S16 gets periodic bloodwork to check medication levels - wouldn't any drugs come up in that?
Doodler - Thanks for confirming my approach. Has your XW mellowed yet? Is that even a realistic expectation?
J9 - That's very interesting about the ones that come on really strong. How do you know they were rebounding?
Last night I had dinner with S13. S16 was sick and stayed at his mom's house. Numerous times, S13 mentioned how much he missed me, and he told me he cries at his mom's house often. He said the only thing he wants in life is for me and his mom to get back together. After dinner, it took me 7 minutes to get him to be willing to leave my car, saying he didn't want to go and crying. It made me cry too. It breaks my heart. It makes me angry.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
H.....girl 1 had her profile up for 4 days and after she ended it with me took it down 1 day later. There was no way she could have got that serious with a guy after only having her profile up for 4 days. When she ended it with me she told me she was sorry but she disnt expect this to happen with me. Either way her profile has never went back up. Either she dumped him, he dumped her or they got in a fight and made up. Either way it was obvious since we went out 4 hrs after our initial email communication online.
Girl 2 just ended it out of the blue and never put her profile back up either. On NYE we were laying in bed and she had a text message that came through from an xbf. She told me they had only dated for 6 mths or so and were friends but he is texting her on nye saying it wasnt going to be any fun, etc. Days later she ended it out of the blue and gave no reason.
