I had to come home early from work today. I felt light headed at work, and although I wasn't coughing (much) I thought that at any moment I might throw up on my keyboard. Like a really bad hangover. I passed by the doctors on the way home and turns out the cold has turned into a viral infection and now on a weeks worth of antibiotics.
I managed a few hours sleep before my H turned up with the kids. He was coming to feed them dinner and then take them to netball training which is around the corner from where we live. He was surprised saying as much "I am surprised to see you home. If I'd known you'd be here I would have taken the kids back to the flat". It still upsets me he loves everything about our life together (our house, our kids, our dog) except me. He feels comfortable being here as long as I am not here. I know this is partly the way it has to be, but it hurts, so I said not to worry, I would get out of his way, and then promptly headed to my room.
About an hour later, D9 came upstairs and sat in the bed with me. We put the music on, she sat on her phone watching cartoons and I responded to a couple of work emails. In between songs I heard D12 having a meltdown. She was storming up the stairs to her room, H closely behind her. I didn't catch much, but got the general gist of it. She did not want to go to netball and H was telling her she had to. There was "Don't turn away from me", "Don't slam that door" (him) and "You don't understand", "You can't make me" (D12). I thought about coming out of my room and trying to mediate, but there would have been no point. They are as stubborn as each other and I would have come out the bad guy no matter what. So I turned the music up and let them carry on. There is a part of me that is glad that he goes through the same things with D12 that I do. The netball thing is a twice weekly occurrence (once for training and once for the game) and it is me who has to deal with the screaming and then again when I have to explain to him why I did not make her go. Whenever I try and talk to him about it he has always just maintained a stoic "she has to go", "be better prepared" etc but to listen to him have the same argument with her, and then back down, is in a strange way a good thing. He has agreed she does not have to go for the rest of the season.
D9 and I eventually came out when it was time to leave for netball. H told me D12 and relayed the argument to me - I pretended not to have heard. I just nodded and gave a non-committal "OK" to everything he said.
Just before H and D9 left, he started looking for the gloves he bought her at Christmas. When he asked me if I knew where they were I said "No". He then started saying how everything goes missing and he was going to keep things he buys at the flat instead of sending them home with the girls. In the past this type of indirect criticism would have stressed me out, but instead, I just smiled and said "OK".
Hopefully the antibiotics work. The gym has been pretty much a no-go for over a week and my other attempts at GAL last week were pretty much a washout (I managed to go out twice last week and both times I stayed on coke and headed home after an hour). I really need to get out and let my hair down.
It's very easy to be critical or directive when you're not the one doing the majority of the parenting. It's good that he got a taste of the hard stuff! Actually I think you maybe were being too sensitive on the gloves, he might have just been annoyed at the kids for losing them as at you. Sometimes we have a reflex reaction that we've been criticised when it might not have been the case, I had something like that recently with dh where he made a critical remark about something in the house, I reacted and he said 'that wasn't about you, it was about me complaining about X'. But in any case your response was fine, you could have validated about how annoying it is when kids lose stuff (it drives me insane), but if you're feeling poorly then validating is a lot more effort... Recover quickly, GAL will still be there when you're better
Still not feeling brilliant. Headache, cough and general lethargy all week. I an going to give the meds a go and if not back to normal by Monday, I will go back to the doctors and get a blood test to make sure it's nothing more serious. Maybe it's because I've been ill that my emotions are a little raw and things seem more hopeless at the moment. I know that I have been distancing myself more and more, though I am trying not to make drastic decisions until my health and my emotions even out.
We have for some time now been having work done on the garden. It was put on hold over the winter months (weather wasn't suitable for outdoor work) but the builder got in contact last weekend about restarting and on Tuesday, he came round to discuss what else needs doing. There is a list of things which need to be done, but because I don't know if I am staying, I told him I am reluctant to invest much more in the house. In the past, conversations would have been around using quality materials for longevity, sustainability and aesthetics, now, it was about keeping costs down without compromising saleability. I just wanted to get it done, cheaply and quickly, so if/when I had the house valued, it would improve the likelihood of a good sale. It was sad, but it seemed natural.
My H and I have a little bit of money set aside for the work. It is running low and unlikely to cover what still needs to be done. I know if I ask him he will not put up any money. I am considering paying the difference and then taking it out of his share of the sale of the house (if it comes to that). I am not sure what I need to do to guarantee this. I would, presumably, need him to agree to it before the work commences. It's difficult because this would undoubtedly start an R conversation of sorts as we would be talking about the future sale of the house. The few times we've done this we have ended up in an R conversation which moves to the D conversation, I have ended up crying, and not a lot is achieved.
The builder is best friends with my H's real dad (his mum remarried) and mentioned to me that H's dad is really cut up about what's going on. This is the first time in a long time that anyone in the family has directly said anything to me. Mostly, it's like everyone pretends that it's all perfectly normal for us to live under separate roofs. TBH, my MIL and SIL don't speak to me other than to talk about childcare logistics. My MIL won't even come in when she stops by. She says "Sorry FS, I'm just dropping the girls off. I can't stop" before I even have the door open. I know they don't dislike me. They are embarrassed and a little upset I guess that I am moving on - they know I have every right, but they don't want to have it shoved in their faces
I am getting on better with D12. We have even laughed occasionally this week. Nothing major. No hugs or declarations of love from her, but there has been few tantrums and I even occasionally get a "thank you" or a "please".
They have been with me most of the week, but are spending tonight at their dads, then back with me tomorrow, then there dads Saturday and Sunday. I then have them all next week (until Friday). As you can see, childcare is still all over the place and I don't see it changing anytime soon. His work roster is always going to be irregular and I am always going to have to absorb the irregularity. I did send him a text when he changed the plans again at the last minute (he text to say he was going to pick up the girls even though it wasn't his day) saying that I don't mind, that the girls loved seeing him, but that changing plans at the last minute mucks things about for everyone. There was some defensive back and forth, but he eventually agreed to give more notice.
I can imagine that if you're feeling poorly then everything seems more negative. I was under the weather just before Christmas and I really felt like a total victim and that someone ought to be taking care of me and so on. It definitely isn't a place to make decisions, just do your best and take care of yourself (())
That's really good news about your daughter, Flying Solo - despite how awful everything else is. I think both of my children were pretty emotionally neglected by me in the months before H moved out - my focus was on how terrible I was feeling, and my attempts to either change H, convince him to move out, try different things to improve the marriage and get upset that they weren't working, anger, fear for the future or dread and feeling trapped. They were always fed and cared for and homework supervised, but in the past couple of months I've felt much less trapped and more free to concentrate on their needs and building relationships with them. I've actually really enjoyed that and I don't plan for that to change, no matter what else happens with the M. I know kids of that age can be very difficult and very remote, and you being ill yourself won't help. You're doing okay.
Thanks guys. I am feeling much better now. The world looks brighter now I'm not seeing it through the fog of illness.
Good couple of days. The girls and I had a nice Friday night. We stayed in, made popcorn and all watched a film together (Avengers). D9 fell asleep next to me on the sofa, which was actually kind of sweet. I love having the girls home.
I took the girls into town for lunch yesterday, and in the interest of being less cold with him, I rang (not text) him on the way in to say where we would be if he wanted to join us. Unfortunately he didn't pick up and I ended up texting. He replied about half an hour later to say that he was at the gym and didn't have his phone. I could, if I wanted to go running down the tunnels, theorize on whether this is true or not (when we were together his phone was never more than an arms length away) but I will not. I think he was probably telling the truth. After lunch, D9 had a rehearsal for her school talent show so H and I did swap over at the school hall. I was smiley and bouncy, making a big effort to be super friendly to the other mums who were there. He heard me tell one of the other mums to text if she wanted to come round for a cup of coffee later that afternoon.
One of the things my H found attractive at the start was how people were drawn to me. He use to say that whenever we went out, he could always count on me holding court, a bunch of people clustered around me, in some corner of the room. He lost site of this (it was always just us and the children) and I wanted him to remember. Eventually I said, there was no point in both of us hanging around for the hour, and I was going to head off. I told him he could come round and pick up D9's costume after the rehearsal or bring them back before the show and D9 could get ready at home. I said I might be there or I might not be but he was welcome to come round.
He brought them back to get ready about an hour and a half before the show. I had just finished giving myself a home spa (aka a long bath with candles, chill out music and a face mask) and was getting ready. He came in and we got the girls ready together. It was nice. We talked a bit, not about us, never about us, but conversation was easy. D12 asked if my friends came round, and I said, only one and we just had coffee and a quick chat. We all then went to the show where we met his mum. I was still in full super friendly mode and made a big deal of not having seen her lately and that I had been unwell but would try and be around more. She too asked about whether I had had a nice afternoon with my girlfriends. As H was the only one who heard me say someone was coming over, and both D12 and MIL mentioned it I can only assume he mentioned it to them. He is listening !!!!
I made a joke during the show about how this year, I would go at half time as it was my turn (he left at half time last year to go out with his mates). He laughed and said "You don't have a car". Normally this would have been a sore point for both of us, neither of us like to mention his "escape period". But this time, he wasn't being aggressive or mean, it was just banter. Also, we sat next to each other. Normally he sits as far away from me as possible. Bit like urinals. We always just choose to take the seat furthest away from one another. But we sat next to each other and even occasionally spoke.
When the show was over they all came back to the house for a cup of tea. It was quite late and D12 said she'd rather stay at home then go to his flat for the evening - she said it was pointless as they would just go there to sleep and then come back in the morning to pick me up for football and why couldn't she just stay here. She wasn't moaning, just stating a fact. He looked at me and said "you'll have to ask mummy, she might be going out tonight". Again, not an accusation, just an I don't want to speak for your mum as she probably has plans. This kind of made me realize he thinks I am always out and this is probably why he never asks me to join them anymore. He doesn't want to pry. When he asked D9 what she wanted to do, D9 also said it made more sense to stay at home. I told him he was welcome to stay too but he said that he didn't have any clothes for the next day. So he left at half eleven and was back again at 9 (for football).
Today we all went to football and again, the conversation was easy and friendly. He left today saying, "Right, am going the flat to watch a netflix boxset". Not sure why he shared this, but assume so that I know he too isn't going out. We talked about the boxset he intends to watch and then he left.
Anyway, it was a good couple of days. I am not reading too much into it. I have to keep my expectations low and just be glad that we are talking again.
I'm glad you had a good couple of days, Flying Solo. It sounds like you're clear of your illness and that's helped you look at things with a bit of a fresher mind. It's amazing what a difference some rest and a home spa can make, as well as being clear of what sounded like a really nasty virus.
Those sound like small positive steps FS! Glad you're feeling better, it makes things so much brighter.
I can identify with the people thing, I'm always chatting to strangers and love nothing more than being in a group of people I know. You're right, it is attractive. What I'm coming to realise though is how it can make my dh feel shut out and unloved. So when we go out together now I will talk to people but keep it short and try my best to bring him into conversations if I'm with friends. I realise that I distance my dh unintentionally even with complete strangers. And also that he's jealous of me going off and doing stuff with my friends without him, and maybe jealous of me enjoying chatting to random people when he finds that hard, so I have to see things from his perspective.
Anyway, I say that as I know you're a distancer, and having realised that distancers can use other people to distance, I'm concluding that being gregarious is not always a positive thing for a relationship. It has to be a balance. It is attractive, but I think it can make the pursuer spouse feel anxious and rejected and unloved. They do say that differences which attract you at the start of a relationship turn into the biggest problems during the relationship! And now I think 'if I'm chatting happily to someone, what is my husband doing and how is he feeling right now?' And now I'm going to make an effort to check in on him regularly and draw him in instead of being a social butterfly, because I think in the past I've not been considerate of how he's felt while I've been off having fun without him. I don't know if any of that strikes a chord with you, we're all different so maybe not.
Anyway, the banter is a very positive sign, I read something recently that it's impossible to be both fearful and playful. And playful is a lot more fun than fearful! I hope you continue having more positive interactions and warm things up between you.
FlySolo, what a great positive post. There was so much good in it. I especially liked how you made a conscious decision to be less cold with H - I think that can only bring good things in your life.
I also liked how it seems D12 and D9 made rational decisions that they'd prefer to stay with you for the evening, and they expressed this to H. They didn't seem to have any fear that he'd be disappointed in them, or that they were "messing things up". You've never indicated that they would feel so, but this interaction just showed to me that they don't feel caught in the middle of you and H. They were honest to a preference, and it was accepted by both of you. This was very impressive to me.
This very honest family discussion about logistics without overwhelming emotions getting in the way is so healthy. Your D's sound great.
