I'm free to do what I want any old time I'm free to do what I want any old time So love me, hold me, love me, hold me I'm free any old time to get what I want
I'm free to sing my song though it gets out of time I'm free to sing my song though it gets out of time So love me, hold me, love me, hold me And I'm free any old time to get what I want
Love me, hold me, love me, hold me But I'm free any old time to get what I want
I'm free to choose what I please any old time I'm free to please what I choose any old time So hold me, love me, love me, hold me I'm free any old time to get what I want, yes I am
Jagger/Richards
All my love to you and D4 brother.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Just putting this out there on the off chance someone new and hurting comes on here in need of some support and they see this...
Over the weekend I read on FB about a friend of mine who's Granddad had passed. This man was in his 90's. Made it through WWII and many other struggles in his life. Anyway in the midst of the comments expressing sympathy for his passing, my friend's sister mentioned how when asked how he had made it through so many struggles in his life he would always say "It all comes down to your attitude".
Attitude is defined as "a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something". Since I've read of this man's passing I've reflected a fair bit about the "difficulty" of my sitch relative to the REAL difficulties of so many others in this world. Attitude, the inherent ability within each one of us to preclude external events from having undue influence over our lives. Since coming here I've always marveled at the amazing power I've found in the simplest of phrases, thoughts and truths.
This one from someone I respect for having made it through real adversity resonated with me and I hope this might be of help to someone here in dealing with their own adversities.
paperwork was concluded 2 days ago and i am completely at peace with it. as i've said before, i don't feel anything towards my W anymore, good or bad. only real focus for me now is D4 and my immediate future. rather surreal how turbulent "the tunnel" can be while you're in it, but then once you come out the other side...the absence of pretty much anything beyond yourself and your children...
ok, i do feel something...i'm excited for the new baseball season and the ability to enjoy it completely free from the burden of the tunnel I've been "carrying in my mind" for better than a year now. for all of the pain, heartbreak, loss...there is seemingly a rebirth of self at the conclusion of all of this. i read somewhere on here the "fire" of this process will forge your self into a stronger entity than when this first began and I very much agree with that.
anyway...it's kinda like i'm back out in the light now and just kinda catching my bearings/looking around...i'll grant myself time and patience for the present and with God's grace steadying my path forward, i'll look to the future I want for myself while maybe one day with the benefit of hindsight, I'll be able to make sense of this chapter in my life that's now passed.
just an update on my sitch...WW filed mid-part of last week. I am very happy with the outcome most importantly that 50/50 with my D4 is locked in now. Sometime in early summer this will be signed by the court and official.
on a separate note now with my paperwork completed I recently went on to an OLD site. yesterday I had an enjoyable chat with a lady 10 years younger than me. she's local to me, has two children 8 and 6, like myself has gone through IC following the end of her marriage a year ago and is part of a very successful family owned business here. we hit it off right away and we have plans to meet up this weekend.
oh and I have a meeting tomorrow with a sales manager for a new community here to discuss purchasing a new property for myself and D4. my best to everyone on here who are still deep in the tunnel. hope to pay forward all of the help I received here by help as many new folks to this stich as I can. I am living proof you can make it on broken pieces. If I can make so too can the rest of you.
my prayers to all of you who are on here and hurting this morning.
Great update B! It is amazing how many positive steps you have taken in the past few months. The tenor of your posts is a night and day change from not so long ago!
Enjoy the date!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
So glad to hear, how things are turning out for you - You are a closing one door, but in front of you, are hundreds of doors, just waiting for you to turn the handle, and behind anyone of these doors, is the possibility of a new, daunting and perhaps extremely rewarding adventure - so travel my friend, and travel safely.
Gods speed.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
As a small update last night when we were talking she asked me if I knew about the 5 love languages and between the two of us we exchanged the love language we both are and talked about how we would be sure to provide them to each other. She's Acts of Service, I'm Physical Touch with Words of Affirmation. So if I do things to help her, just tell me thank you and give me a kiss.
It's great talking with a younger lady who gets much of the stuff that we talk about on here. We have exchanged lots of pictures and are looking forward to meeting this weekend both of us with fingers crossed in hopes that what we think is a good chemistry truly is in person.
Weren’t you just posting a week or two ago how women and dating were not on your radar and your only focus was on you and D4?
I knew that wouldn’t last long.
You tend to bounce from one extreme to another pretty fast. So all I can do is caution you is to learn from the mistakes of little miss sunshine. Don’t get in so deep so fast. You don’t know this person yet. Save the super deep stuff after you have a real love date.
Ginger, yes I was. I went on Bumble as my OLD. Only if a lady showed interest in me first was I going to give it a shot. And well, this new lady has expressed interest and so far has shown herself to be a very high quality possibility.
With little miss sunshine there has for sure been alot of her coming and going and because I was willing to follow along I have been bouncing. I definitely understand what you are saying and will keep my hopes in check, but she markedly different and better than sunshine could ever be.
After we meet this weekend I will have a much better perspective. We have both expressed going slow, getting to know each other much better. I'll simply say this new lady has way better potential and time will tell if I'm right or not.
I appreciate you looking out for me Ginger and helping to keep me in check and realistic!
I couldn't agree with G more. You shouldn't be talking about the Love Languages book before you meet. You need to keep it light with questions like "what do you do for a living? How many children do you have? What do you like to do for fun?
I also want to warn you that the odds of you landing in a relationship after your first OLD date is about the same as a WW coming out of their fog in a week.
Just like when DBing. Keep your expectations at a minimum.
B, good luck, hope the chemistry is there! As to LH's point, I think I've mentioned before about not trying to get too deep into personal discussions before meeting, because one or both of you may find there is zero chemistry. You want to kind of keep them at arm's length until you know that for sure. Learn from my mistakes
We tend to put a fantasy in our heads and our expectations go through the roof when you have these deep conversations before you even meet a person. Your hope gets way too high that it will work.
Before knowing LL, like LH said, get to know the little surface things. Then you date, you talk some more, then slowly get into the heavy talks.
I got this feeling you spin up some sort of fantasy and big connections before you get to know them and that leaves you disappointed often.
I used to do that. I’ve certainly learned my lesson
B - I think the 4th girl I went on a date with I made the mistake of chatting it up way too much before we ever met. The conversations were great, full of energy, she would ask me these deep, though provoking questions and I started flirting right back with her. Then the date came and she was nothing like I expected, there was no chemistry, no connection, and no sexual desire.
I vowed to myself never again.
The quickest turn around I have had on a date from the time we started chatting to meeting was about 5 hours. Usually it would take maybe a week or so to meet up depending on schedules. I like to meet up as quick as possible depending on the frequency of conversation.
I, too, did Bumble. Met an amazing lady that I've been chatting with for about 6 weeks. We met up, in person, 2 weeks ago. It's a very LDR, but we are both willing to try it out and see if it can work. I'm actually going back to see her again next weekend.
As you can tell, we chatted for quite awhile before meeting up just because of the LD logistics. I am soooo thankful the chemistry was there and she was exactly what I was expecting when we did finally meet. I have a feeling I would have been very sad if that wouldn't have been the case.
I actually like the LD dynamic so far because it still gives me time for myself and time with just my kids. Plus, it sort of requires you to take it slow.
Good luck on this weekend, b. I'll be excited to read an update afterwards!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
B - I think the 4th girl I went on a date with I made the mistake of chatting it up way too much before we ever met. The conversations were great, full of energy, she would ask me these deep, though provoking questions and I started flirting right back with her. Then the date came and she was nothing like I expected, there was no chemistry, no connection, and no sexual desire.
Happened to me once as well, seemed like the person I met was a totally different person than the one I was texting! It's easy to develop a picture in your mind of who you are talking to, and also easy for to be very wrong, LOL!
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The quickest turn around I have had on a date from the time we started chatting to meeting was about 5 hours.
I've had some same-day meetings as well. With one woman we messaged in late afternoon and a few hours later were having dinner together. We meshed like no one else I've ever met, it was like the air was filled with static electricity. The next night we went out again. Anytime I haven't been able to schedule a meet with someone within a few days of first contact I've ended up never seeing them. I think if they are serious they'll plan something pretty quickly, if they're not then they just want to text forever.
Same here with with me the connection was instant. We went out the very next day as well, it was as you describe electric. Then the next week she told me she wasnt physically attracted to me I was like WTF...your words and actions are not congruent.
Appreciate everyone's updates on OLD , their success/failures and their best wishes. FWIW I've had lots of success over the years. Sure I've had the random no connection, one date done, but both of my ex's were from Match and took off after our first date. Big reason I went with Bumble was so that the lady had to make the first move. The young lady who I've been talking with I continue to believe she and I will have a great time this weekend. No major plans besides having drinks, some dinner and seeing where we go from there. I approach these dates optimistically, we both believe the chemistry is there, but we'll find out tomorrow and see how it goes. Given our children and custody schedules almost inherently that will make the pace at which we could get to know each other much longer than if we didn't have children.
Simply put I'm optimistic and hopeful. Nothing more, nothing less. We started talking on Monday afternoon so it will have been less than a week since we first chatted until we met. Will have a double update sometime thereafter as Sunday I'll be going to write up a contract on a new place for myself and D4. HUGELY excited for that event to happen! I plan to give D4 lots of input into her room and colors and how she would like to decorate it. Buildling a new place for her and I to call home is going to be one of many thrills I've been blessed to have in my life.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Well all...Miss Bumble and I met and had a wonderful date last night. She had to adjust the time due to a change in her children's schedule, but that is to be expected from time to time given we are both single parents. The chemistry we thought we had was immediate and real when we met. We were able to have some drinks, a light dinner and enjoyable conversation throughout. As she has custody of her children this weekend we had to end the date earlier than we both wanted to, but in truth that will prove a good thing overall to our pace of getting to know each other. She texted me after she got home to tell me how fantastic of a time she had with me and I replied in the same way to her. This morning we've been texting back and forth about the enjoyable time we had last night and continuing to share things about ourselves with one another. We are both very happy to have met and find our hopes about the other were very much true. It may be a bit of time before our custody schedules allow us to see each other again, but we're both going to do what we can to make that happen.
Sounds great B!!! Super happy for you about how far you have come. You have been such a great support to me and I feel like we are in very similar places with our sitchs. It is really, really amazing how freeing it is when you figure out that life does go on and that even though you are not getting the future you thought you would have, there may actually be something better in store. I, for one, love that there are an infinite number of possibilities and all I need to do is enjoy the journey!!! (((HUGS)))
Thank you DV6! For sure we are in similar places in our sitches and you are welcome to the extent I've been able to support you along the way! Yes you are definitely right in what you say. I think for my D4 given the experiences I've been through I will try to keep her mindful of trying not to hold on too tightly to things, people in her life for that very reason. Not to say that I would suggest she not love as deeply as possible, but more rather to just understand that sometimes those we love the most at one point in our lives may move out of our lives and we need to realize as you say that if they do there may be something better in store for them and perhaps a different future than what they had hoped for or expected. I guess the toughest part for folks on here and rightly so that are trying to get to "life does go on" is that marriage is to be about forever and a lifetime and commitment and when it is ripped up right before your eyes and you are helpless to stop that...well no wonder life going on is so hard to get to.
Anyway, further news...yesterday I signed a contract for a new place for me and D4! Its a wonderful place in a great location and I look forward to making it how we want it. I've bought many properties in the past, but none by myself. Happy that no matter what happens on the lady front for me I have a sense of permanence in having my own place. Now I have to use some of my great Dad skills to make sure that D4 is ok throughout this transition and completely enjoys and is a part of making our new home together.
And lastly, while signing the contract Miss Bumble asked if I would be interested in meeting up for a late dinner/rendezvous with her last night as her mother was going to come over and sit with her kids that night. We both very much wanted to see each other again as given our custody schedules it may be some time before we can again. Anyway of course I accepted and we had a wonderful time yet again. We both are very much in to one another. I think the strongest pull for me to her is that she is very emotionally available, mature and great at expressing her feelings while she's told me that I'm super smart and very open with my feelings towards her. I had felt rather apprehensive as I've previously about being twice divorced and how ladies might view that, but she was very understanding when I explained what had happened to me. I was also apprehensive about telling her of my going to IC, but she actually applauded me and thought it was sexy that a man would take himself to counseling without being prodded by someone else. And then when I found out she goes to IC as well, best I can say is that it's like I as a male DB'er have met up with a female DB'er, something that many times we talk about on here how nice that would be if possible as we would understand from where we both come from. The best part is that we both are in agreement on the value of going to IC proactively in a relationship to build on the positives as opposed to only going once things have gone south and are beyond repair. Bottom line is that she and I are very happy to have met and have really hit it off with one another.
I hope all who are suffering on here in their sitches may take some hope from ready my story. Early on this video by a preacher he talked about the concept of being able to make it on broken pieces...just because things are broken in your life doesn't mean you can't survive. For anyone struggling this Monday and I used to LOATHE the start of a new week as that meant more crazy from my WW, you CAN make it on broken pieces I'm living proof.
Loved reading your update, B! Glad you guys are hitting it off.
I know you shouldn't find happiness and self-value in someone else, but I truly believe my own Ms. Bumble has helped me focus on something positive (communicating with her) instead of constantly dwelling on the past and my failed M with ExW. It's like a breath of fresh air!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Thank you Wanted! She and I definitely have a connection and are very happy to be dating!
For an LBS post-BD the real question is not how to get my WW back, but rather how much of what has happened was me and how much of what happened was my WW? No one in a relationship is perfect and so for sure there are things that the LBS if they are smart can reflect on regarding how they contributed to what happened and both by themselves and with IC can work to address those issues and make themselves a better partner/spouse in the future. But I'll wager to bet in most cases the WW is WAY more responsible for the demise of the marriage and the LBS was likely albeit with always room for improvement a basically emotionally healthy and mature person. What I'm getting at is most LBS I would wager be ready for a new partner MUCH MUCH sooner than a WW ever could be once they recover from the pain of the lose, hit to their esteem, etc. More about them than us. That an LBS could go into OLD and find someone they are compatible with quickly is not really a surprise to me. Life moves on and I guess it's human nature to cling to what we had, but it is true as so many vets have said on here before our futures hold good things in store if only we'll let the past behind and take the jump forward.
Thank you Wanted! She and I definitely have a connection and are very happy to be dating!
B, I am happy you found someone immediately that you have a connection with and you had a great first date. Please, please make sure you take it slow and don't forget about the things you have learned.
LH...thank you for the particular way that your commentary has helped me and many others on this forum. You, AS, Steve, Ginger, Sandi, Neffer, etc each vet on here has their own way of helping newbies get through this process and you like the others are a HUGE benefit to all of us.
I will definitely do so with her. As I say she and I are both happy to be in IC for ourselves and we think it will be a positive for us moving forward as we date and learn more about it each other. In truth had I not learned as much as I have on here in the year or so I've been here there's no way I would have been ready for the lady that I've since been lucky to meet. We both approach relationships in a very enlightened way from our experiences and IC and that in itself gives me encouragement for the future.
Hi B. Was perusing my thread and realized I hadn't responded to your post. Great to hear you are doing so well and have found someone you are interested in getting to know better. I have date #4 with the guy I've been seeing. It has been going "junior high school" kind of slow...lol. I'm okay with it for now. I'm teaching him how to make my favourite Thai dish so we'll see how things go. Regardless...I have a date next week with a guy I've recently met online who seems a lot like me from a personality and interest standpoint. If there is a physical attraction, it could work out really well. Time will tell I guess...
Best of luck. I feel like you and I are at similar points in our sitchs and have discovered there is life after our exes and it may even be a much better life.
Been thinking that this is the longest amount of time since I've posted an update on my sitch so here goes. With STBxWW I am just waiting to hear from my atty on the two court appearances that will be necessary before our D is finalized. I'm a few weeks into waiting so hopefully that will come sooner rather than later. I suspect for many of you reading that last sentence might be terribly hard to grasp relative to your sitch, but that is where I am in mine. I can't wait for it to get done as soon as possible. Besides the fact that I'm already creating a wonderful new future life for myself, there simply hasn't been anything left of my past MR for a very very long time now. I did actually see my WW over Easter during an exchange of D4, but even more than a year later, no one word could she say to me or even look at me. I only wonder with regards to her if/when she will ever be able to speak to me again and how this bodes for our parenting of D4 in the future. It is beyond indescribable why she is that way, what possibly she could have done or I that would make it completely impossible for her to speak with me even in a cordial, quick conversation, but that is the case still to this day. Anyway I've said it before and I'll say it again for many of you, you will reach a point where you realize that saving yourself is more important than saving your marriage, and when you do your healing will really begin.
My new lady friend and I will soon have been dating for one whole month! LOL With our custody schedules we've got a natural non-rushed pace to our relationship. We see each other once maybe twice a week, but then have regular conversations on the phone and text. She continues in IC and so do I and we both feel very happy to be going to proactively improve a just beginning relationship as opposed to trying to save an MR that was already long since hopeless. We hope over the next month or so to invited each other to our respective counselors as both of our ICs while very happy for us are definitely intrigued to meet the special person that each of us have found. The idea of each of us meeting the others parents has come up and perhaps again over the next month or two that will happen. Kids meeting we both agree will be quite some time off until our relationship is well established and we've fully discussed it. For now we're enjoying our time together and anxious to find some time over the coming summer to get away and spend time together doing things that we like. It's funny, when you have invested the time in understanding what truly matters in relationships and a partner, the ways that you pick up on things that might seem of little consequence but truly define how a person feels about you. Recently I was getting ready for us to go out and she was there and rather mundanely just said to me "do you need me to iron a shirt for you?". I never got that from my WW, EVER. To her it was a small inconsequential ask, to me it highlighted a huge difference between her and my past. And while we are both familiar with the 5 love languages, we don't say here's my "words of affirmation" for you, but we both are doing a great job of giving and receiving what each of us believes we need from the other naturally. I guess it's one thing to read and comprehend it, but quite more effective to be able to implement it in your relationship as if it was just a natural part of who we each are. The dynamics of her and I are simply much better in the ways that really matter I believe than I've ever had with another partner and we both feel it and want to do all we can to nuture it going forward. Again I'll say to those of you hurting or for those in a hopeless sitch who still cling to the past you had because the future is too uncertain to accept...there are wonderfully amazing things ahead of you if you can just find within you the courage, time and patience to let go and move on.
I need to do a much better job of being on here more and encouraging and supporting the rest of you. Having found a new someone it's easy to get complacent and lazy and that's not how I ever want to be again. By giving back on here it can keep me sharp in my skills with my new relationship while hopefully at the least providing comfort to others on here hurting. Many of us may have got on here partially through taking things for granted and I've learned I won't let myself become that way again. I wish you all the best and hope in some small way either by reading my sitch and/or by my comments in your sitch that I can make a positive impact for some of you during an admittedly very tough time in life.
That is a wonderful update to read. Despite having to deal with the divorce process (not easy under any circumstances) you have your priorities straight and your attention focused on the future. Congratulations on the the positive place you are in with your new lady friend. Keep doing the work there.
I also relate to you in terms of getting on here and supporting others in their sitches. It is easy to get complacent in good moments, and not want to be reminded of things during bad moments. However, this site has been so helpful to me and I feel the need to pay it forward as well.
Best of luck!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Awesome B, glad to hear things are going well! I might caution taking things a little slower with the new lady, dating for a month and then meeting each other's counselors and parents seems a bit rushed. There's no hurry! Try and get past that limerence phase before you go too crazy. Good luck!
I think it’s great that you found someone you enjoy dating. I’m happy for you.
But if there is any lesson to be learned from repeated patterns is that you need to put the breaks on. I month in and talking about seeing each other ‘s therapists? That’s maybe something a committed long term couple does if not married.
Have fun. Learn each other on your own, enjoy the beginnings. Learn the natural way. You get ahead of yourself too fast. Enjoy the now. Plan your getaway. And what will happen will happen and what will develop will develop
Just a quick update...found out today that we have a contract for the sale of our marital home. That is great news for the moving forward of the next chapter in my life, but it is a bit bittersweet as it's where me and STBXW brought our D4 home to. I guess as many of you who have already raised children would tell me there will be many times throughout their lives where you wish you could stop time or life or changes from coming and yet they most certainly will no matter what you want. I do know that, but it just gets a bit heavy on the heart when you stop and reflect on the passage of time and places that had so much meaning in your life. The wonderful silver lining to this transition is that D4 and I will be moving into a wonderful new place to make our own memories together and that D4 is already very excited to decorate her new room and make it how she wants it. As we say many times on here, I'll put away the sweet memories of the past and focus on the fun of making new ones in the future with her and embrace it.
Still waiting on court dates to finalize the divorce. It's been weeks ago that WW filed. Anxiously awaiting word from my atty on dates. If my WW had been in anyway compassionate or tried to speak with me post-BD about R'ing I'm sure this time would be more difficult, but given her complete disappearance since BD this is nothing more than procedural and a welcome outcome to me. To this day, heading towards 18 months after BD, she is completely unable to even exist in the same room with me for 5 minutes. As we move to leave the marital home, she can only remove her items if I am completely gone from the house. That's just beyond crazy to me, but whatever. I know I'll have to co-parent D4 with her exclusively via email or text. It's beyond dysfunctional, but that's my reality unless/until time somehow changes her ways.
My lady friend and I are going along wonderfully. I appreciate the feedback I received from many of you above about taking it slow. There has been no going to each other's therapists or anything like that for some time now. These days we see each other about once or twice a week, sometimes for most of a day, sometimes just for a dinner or lunch. One thing I'm having a new appreciation for is how busy a person's calendar can become when being a single dad dating a single mother. With the upcoming summer vacations, work plans and custody schedules for our kids and with our ex's schedules, our together calendar is crazy. We speak very openly with each other and so are both just working our way through it as it comes.
Just a quick update...found out today that we have a contract for the sale of our marital home. That is great news for the moving forward of the next chapter in my life, but it is a bit bittersweet as it's where me and STBXW brought our D4 home to. I guess as many of you who have already raised children would tell me there will be many times throughout their lives where you wish you could stop time or life or changes from coming and yet they most certainly will no matter what you want. I do know that, but it just gets a bit heavy on the heart when you stop and reflect on the passage of time and places that had so much meaning in your life. The wonderful silver lining to this transition is that D4 and I will be moving into a wonderful new place to make our own memories together and that D4 is already very excited to decorate her new room and make it how she wants it. As we say many times on here, I'll put away the sweet memories of the past and focus on the fun of making new ones in the future with her and embrace it.
Still waiting on court dates to finalize the divorce. It's been weeks ago that WW filed. Anxiously awaiting word from my atty on dates. If my WW had been in anyway compassionate or tried to speak with me post-BD about R'ing I'm sure this time would be more difficult, but given her complete disappearance since BD this is nothing more than procedural and a welcome outcome to me. To this day, heading towards 18 months after BD, she is completely unable to even exist in the same room with me for 5 minutes. As we move to leave the marital home, she can only remove her items if I am completely gone from the house. That's just beyond crazy to me, but whatever. I know I'll have to co-parent D4 with her exclusively via email or text. It's beyond dysfunctional, but that's my reality unless/until time somehow changes her ways.
My lady friend and I are going along wonderfully. I appreciate the feedback I received from many of you above about taking it slow. There has been no going to each other's therapists or anything like that for some time now. These days we see each other about once or twice a week, sometimes for most of a day, sometimes just for a dinner or lunch. One thing I'm having a new appreciation for is how busy a person's calendar can become when being a single dad dating a single mother. With the upcoming summer vacations, work plans and custody schedules for our kids and with our ex's schedules, our together calendar is crazy. We speak very openly with each other and so are both just working our way through it as it comes.
My best to all of you!
-B
Congrats on the house sale B! I still own two homes! LOL W and I were talking about how we cannot wait for the old house to sell. D and I had to go over Tuesday night and mow the lawn at the old house. My W has been stressed out by the fact it has taken so long. I've tried to convince her we are fine (I am very good with financial decisions and made sure we were setup to ride out a long sales cycle).
Between the house selling and the D finally going final, you'll be in great shape for moving forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
so here's a question...and perhaps I should shuffle off to the post-D forum here shortly, BUT...for those who are post D, how long if ever did it take before your relations with you ex improved OR did they never improve? In picking up my D4 from WW on Friday I tried to take the high road and be forgiving. Her father has been dealing with complications from being a heavy smoker. When we met as always she never looks at me, but I encouragingly said "I hope your father's appt went well". In return I got a grunt of acknowledgement and then two verbal shots about how this or that were a mess.
Talking 15+ months now split and she's still as angry and avoidant of me as she ever was. I'm just interested in hearing the experiences of others post-D. Was it the D finally being final that opened them up, just time for them alone or did they never come around. I'm going to continue to take the high road, forgive her and keep my attention on the future, but would appreciate any comments.
Its different for everyone. It’s been 11 years and somewhere along the line my ex and became friendly. I’m friendly with his OWW too.
My boyfriebs , however, has been separated for about 4 years and divorced for 1 and his ex wife is one of the worst ever. She is a parental alienator and manipulator and they can stop not speak to each other. He would, she’s just crazy.
It may happen one day, it may not. But as long as compare ting happens, I wouldn’t care if she is personally friendly or not .
Thanks for the reply Ginger. Yes, honestly I'm not concerned if we are ever personally friendly again, although I would at least hope for the sake of our D4 that somehow/some way we could be. Co-parenting at least currently as far as planning we're fine, but I do wonder as D4 gets older if that will continue. It's one thing to discuss who has D4 when/where via email, another when dealing with issues from her school or personality or whatever issues will come along as surely they will. Just have to keep taking the high road, forgive and pray for the best I guess.
B, my XW was never really hostile towards me but she was definitely super cold. Like Ginger described the thaw happened slowly over time. It took years to get back to a place where we felt comfortable just hanging out and chatting like the old days. 3 years or so? Seems crazy that it takes that long but it often does.
so here's a question...and perhaps I should shuffle off to the post-D forum here shortly, BUT...for those who are post D, how long if ever did it take before your relations with you ex improved OR did they never improve? In picking up my D4 from WW on Friday I tried to take the high road and be forgiving. Her father has been dealing with complications from being a heavy smoker. When we met as always she never looks at me, but I encouragingly said "I hope your father's appt went well". In return I got a grunt of acknowledgement and then two verbal shots about how this or that were a mess.
Talking 15+ months now split and she's still as angry and avoidant of me as she ever was. I'm just interested in hearing the experiences of others post-D. Was it the D finally being final that opened them up, just time for them alone or did they never come around. I'm going to continue to take the high road, forgive her and keep my attention on the future, but would appreciate any comments.
-B
I am guessing B that when you are nice it causes her guilt. And her lashing out is rooted in that guilt. Just keep doing the right thing!
it is kind of like Dr. Phil says about being a better spouse to get a better marriage. Being a better spouse will almost always result in your spouse embracing that. In the rare cases that it doesn't result in that, it is still better than being angry and bitter and returning in kind.
I assume the same principle can be used in coparenting with an ex. Being the best person you can be will eventually engender the same in her. And even if it never does, it is still the best course of action for you and your D3!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
B - My XW would want to be friends if I would let her. I have no desire for anything more than a cordial, co-parenting relationship. I have no interest in knowing what is going on in her life, what she is up to, how she is doing, etc. I am not rude to her, I never put my kids in the middle and make them pick sides, I have never once spoken bad about her either however I have no interest. I am flexible with her when it comes to co-parenting our girls and always work with her when she has a scheduling issue, or when it comes to paying for things or just coordinating events in general but that is the extent.
She wanted nothing to with me, wanted a divorce, got the divorce and now wants to be my friend? No thank you. For me, there is no point.
all...it's interesting as I've been over and done with her for months now and yet in our interactions by email I'll still get "i'm so done" or "i have a better life now" or "i'm over this". I don't get the point of those really as to me those are words that at best could have been used a year or so ago..it's as if she still thinks I care how she feels and those statements to me sound immature and like she's still fighting something...although I'm not sure exactly what.
And yeah, Steve I imagine that is the main feeling behind it. As a friend of mine said to me "once this is over and you are gone, who is she going to have to place her feelings upon". Certainly isn't going to be me. I'm thankful for my future, will always take the high road, forgive her and leave her to her own path. I guess it's just frustrating to me as I'm like "c'mon at least for D4's sake we need to have some kind of respectful, in person ability". As with all of this time will unfold all of this how it will. All I can do is forgive, focus on my future and be the best father I can be for D4. If WW chooses to come along or not as with many things is out of my control.
all...it's interesting as I've been over and done with her for months now and yet in our interactions by email I'll still get "i'm so done" or "i have a better life now" or "i'm over this". I don't get the point of those really as to me those are words that at best could have been used a year or so ago..it's as if she still thinks I care how she feels and those statements to me sound immature and like she's still fighting something...although I'm not sure exactly what.
And yeah, Steve I imagine that is the main feeling behind it. As a friend of mine said to me "once this is over and you are gone, who is she going to have to place her feelings upon". Certainly isn't going to be me. I'm thankful for my future, will always take the high road, forgive her and leave her to her own path. I guess it's just frustrating to me as I'm like "c'mon at least for D4's sake we need to have some kind of respectful, in person ability". As with all of this time will unfold all of this how it will. All I can do is forgive, focus on my future and be the best father I can be for D4. If WW chooses to come along or not as with many things is out of my control.
Well said. My guess is that she is not happy with herself, which makes it impossible to be happy with others.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It sounds like she is trying to either work out her own issues, or exert control by hurting you with these nasty little gibes. Either way it is a sure sign that she is still broken. Healthy people don't need to do that. Rise above and ignore it. She will either get past all that or she won't. Either way it's not your circus.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Ballast - I've not really commented before but I have, in the background, kept up with your sitch.
I have at one time or another thrown many of those same sentences at my H. They always came from a place of hurt and were always emotionally motivated. Anger and frustration projected outwards. Understand that it is her insecurity and her pain that she is throwing at you. She wants to be friends. After the BD dust has settled and they have got what they think they wanted and they don't see us the enemy anymore then they all want to be "friends". It's not even a plan B thing, it's just a "see, I'm not such a bad person, you're still willing to be friends with me". Men do not have a monopoly on nice guy syndrome.
If you want to build some kind of relationship (even if just a co-parenting one) then you could use this as an opportunity to validate. This will get you to a place where your interactions won't be so fraught. If you don't (or you just don't have the energy for it anymore), then say "Ok" and leave her be. Either path is fine.
Hi Ballast, I haven't been able to be active here much lately, but one question I have as I read your updates is whether you ever figured out why your wife left you? I wonder if you could ask her to clarify what she means when she says all these things. I doubt that engaging her each time would be wise, but I wonder if you could try a single attempt at "why did all this happen? I never understood why you left so it's hard for me to understand your comments..." I know it doesn't matter so much now, but it just seems like there's still a piece of the puzzle missing.
Always want to thank those folks who are new to replying to my sitch...
TBSakaJ9 - Yes, I imagine once all is done and settled the desire on her part to be friends with me she would see as essentials to validate herself as still being a good person. I'll never say never, but for now I'm very much in the place that you are with your XW. I believe that a cordial, respectful relationship with her is essential and appropriate in order for us to effectively co-parent our D4. My hope is that with time that will her belief as well. It is hard though against the feeling of "she asked for this, good riddance" but I guess that's what makes forgiveness very difficult for many people.
FlySolo - My IC has always told me exactly what you just wrote. I've heard how very important is for her that we be friends and she has expressed how she "is a good person". Thing is post-BD she is actually worse now than she was immediately at BD and we are well past a year. Perhaps the D being final will be the "settling" for her. When it's final and I'm gone, where then does her pain/insecurity and projection go? Obviously not mine to be concerned with, but it is something I wonder about.
It's very hard to validate her. Primarily because we are mostly completely silent but for a few exchanges regarding our D4. No phone and in 15 months we've been physically together less than 1 hour. For now it's OK and leave her be. Until such time as she's gotten through whatever process/path she needs to go through and is desiring of a more substantial coparent relationship, that is likely as far as we will go.
Nicole - The answer is no. Did I get lots of fragments of reasons, some valid, some crazy...yep I did. I think her avoidance of me and my need to save myself along with AS's words about likely never really knowing because likely she doesn't even know herself caused me to just drop it as a concern months ago. No more than a person can explain the sudden passing of a loved one, it just happened and all that was truly available to me was moving on. Again, maybe in time someday I can approach that with her, but as I've provided as recently as this past week where I'm still getting "I'm done"/her acting as if I'm still trying to R with her and she's trying to hurt me, it's gonna be a while.
Ballast, communication is extraordinarily hard. Trying to understand what someone's saying, and what they actually mean, is just impossible. It seems your ex-wife is waiting for you to say or do something to respond to her comments but how can you know what to say? When you write here on the group you sound like a caring, self-aware, humble person so it's hard to imagine how or why your wife would want to give you up. I hope eventually your ex-wife finds what she's seeking and doesn't connect her emotions to you so you don't have to keep dealing with these comments!
Ballast - the choice to engage or not engage is yours. What effect that might have on your W is none of your concern. You have to do what resonates with your values and puts you in the best position to heal. That these two things do not always align is a dilemma I face daily (but that is my problem and not yours).
You ask what she will do if you don't accept her 'kindness' - she will continue to oscillate between rage and kindness until she tires of it and accepts that you will never be her friend. The same tools we use to heal are the tools that she will instinctively stumble upon and eventually use to heal her self. Time, distance, GAL and 180. Maybe that process will include self reflection and she will realize the immense damage she has caused and go through the painful process of self forgiveness, or maybe her ego is such it will continue to try and protect her ("you didn't do anything wrong, why is he being such a [censored]". I don't know your W. I hope it's the former though because if it is, then she too will have grown through this process and be less likely to sabotage her future relationships.
Either way, keep walking your path, keep working on you.
Nicole - I appreciate your kind words about me. While I feel for sure I am the things you say, I was also imperfect and unaware of many things as a husband and a partner. Some of those things I could have done better at, but did not...while many other things I simply had no idea about. Ultimately I guess that lead to the ending of my MR, but I always loved her and never wanted this, but it happenend anyway. As for my wife wanting me to say something or respond to her comments, honestly who knows. Unless/until she has the desire to sit down with me and try to really discuss the what and why this happened, it's not something I concern myself with. Given that I've moved on and only want to forgive and use this experience for my future growth, it's likely that won't happen anyway. As you say maybe one day she'll find what she's seeking. At this point I don't feel anything towards her good or bad. She exists as a person I have to raise my D4 with. Hard to believe how far our relationship as degenerated, but that is a for now at least.
FlySolo - I will continue to engage with W and take the high road for no other reason than it is in the best interest of and for the development of our D4. And yes I can see the dilemna you speak about. Ultimately how she decides to treat me will determine the extent to which I interact with her. With our D concluding, I simply will not tolerate any abuse from her if she continues to go that route.
My IC believes that she is so set in her ways that even over time she will not do the work/self reflection necessary. Her avoidance of the self reflection, her ego and her anger will continue to shield her from realizing the depth and reality of what she's done. My IC tells me that the path she has chosen can be exhausting as it takes lots of energy to constantly have to fight off admitting guilt or dealing with deeper emotions, but she has to as her ego is like a house of cards which can't afford for one card to waiver lest the whole house collapse. Once again none of this is my concern except to the degree it will impact my ability to co-parent with her going forward. I will be AMAZED if ever she comes to me with any semblance of remorse or desire for forgiveness. Time will tell. I'm doing exactly as you say, working on myself and walking the path of my own wonderful future.
I closed on a new home for myself and D4 and sold the marital home. In the middle of my sitch I had such mixed feelings about seling the house my D had known as her's, but felt nothing last Tuesday when I signed the papers. Progress I guess? Anyway D4 is very happy in our new place so I guess life goes on, one chapter closes and another begins. Abstract away all of the emotions our hearts and minds attach to people, places and memories and this entire process is that simple the procedure, process and progression of our lives whether we like it or know it or not.
Oh yeah and no words from WW for me again this year on Father's Day. Not surprised. What really was wonderful about it is how beyond realizing she didn't, is how little I cared compared to last year. Noted she didn't, but whatever. She'll continue to have her way towards me until she doesn't.
Now to shop for a ton of stuff needed for the new house. D4 and I are going to have a great time furnishing our new place!
It's always stressful going through selling and buying a home, hopefully you can get settled in now and enjoy it! Congrats on getting it taken care of! Happy Father's Day!
Congrats on the new house! Enjoy the fresh start!!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
so short and sweet I think me and new girl are done. simply put she's a workaholic, unable to establish for herself a balance between work, her family and time for herself. recently she's experienced high levels of work stress and while she tells me that she has fallen in love with me and everything about our relationship to date has been wonderful, right now she finds herself wanting more time by herself than with me. she will tell goodnight and that she loves me, but yet she feels she needs to work on herself and try to find a balance.
i have not been pushing for us to move at a faster pace or spend more time together. given we both are single parents when we have our children basically dictates when we can see each other. also i truly do understand how she could say she values more time by herself than with me as between her work being essentially 24/7 and being a single mother, she basically never has much time for herself. the real issue is work, obviously it's her livelihood and so not something she can snap her fingers and magically bring it into balance with the other demands/desire for her time, but i think she actually spends an inordinate amount of time above and beyond what is necessary or healthy for her to meet her work demands.
i'm supportive of her, once again as with my WW i find myself having to give her space and wondering what is going to happen. i'm torn between being more direct and expressing to her my confusion over what is happening and my feeling hurt OR keeping my mouth shut, giving her some time and swallowing whatever hurt i'm feeling from this. long term this is not a viable way for us to be. at incidents of work stress or life events for a healthy relationship neither one of us can simply recuse ourselves from our relationship and be off by ourselves. sadly i don't know where this is going to go, but i'm hoping for the best.
for now this is a vent of my current feelings on this. i plan to do what i know is all i can do, give her space, focus on myself and my D4, live my life for me and see how this ends up. thoughts/comments/suggestions are welcome.
Sorry to hear your latest update. You know the only answer to your question is to give her space. Sounds like she’s letting you down easy. If she misses you she will get in contact with you.
ballast - first off congrats on the new home, that is awesome! It will feel like home to D4 very very quickly, no worries there.
Regarding what you said about your current R:
Originally Posted by ballast
so short and sweet I think me and new girl are done. simply put she's a workaholic, unable to establish for herself a balance between work, her family and time for herself. -B
What are the chances that she is going to make the radical changes in her life and lifestyle necessary to achieve balance and free up adequate time and emotional capacity for a R with you, in addition to everything else she has going on?
Hey B, don´t hesitate to show her what your feelings are. It is where you are standing now. As LH says, maybe best course of action is to give her time and space so she should be able to figure out what kind of life she wants. But tell her how you feel about your R.
You are living your life B, D4 is there with you. Facing reality, eyes open.
(((B & D4)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
"What are the chances that she is going to make the radical changes in her life and lifestyle necessary to achieve balance and free up adequate time and emotional capacity for a R with you, in addition to everything else she has going on?"
so actually pretty good. workaholic was the wrong word for me to use. she works for a small company she cares deeply about that is dealing with personnel losses and lack of leadership. much like the cartoon where a boat springs leeks and the character tries to plug all the holes, that is her presently. she's been actively in IC regarding this issue for a long time and has been challenged by her IC to move the balance more to her time and further away from the demands of work, but given how she feels for this company it's a struggle for her. additionally, she's now at the mid point of her career in a niche industry that is fulfilling to her, BUT if she were to want to do something else, she as yet has no idea what that might be and I think she would miss her present line of work. lastly, she's apologetic to a fault as she knows clearly how her work demands limit her time for her family, herself and for her R with me. she feels guilty, but also stuck with no clear way out and basically is expecting that I'll run out of patience and bail out on her.
appreciate the comments from all of you. for sure I will give her time and space, enjoy settling into my place with D4 and see how this unfolds.
so yesterday I got "i'm busy, but i wanted you to know i've been thinking about you" and then several other questions about how the new house is coming. i answered her back as i normally would, but there was no us talk. she didn't ask and i know better than to bring it up.
at this point that old urge to do something is there, but i know better than to pursue. she is aware of how i clearly feel, it is she who has the questions. i will answer her as she contacts me, but i'm giving her the time and space to sort herself out. she will either get through this or we'll be done. it's out of my control. i'm not going to come off needy and push her away. i know my value, she seemingly knows my value and so the ball is fully in her court.
relationships are tiring. i'm tired of the fact that every lady i've come in contact with has been completely unable to find a work life balance. my WW couldn't do it married, miss sunshine was single, no kids and couldn't do it and now current lady single mom can't either. at times i think God keeps taking me back to "dude you would be so much better off without women" but i keep believing one out there somewhere could work.
I think what the coach teaches is proper play here. If she reaches out assume she wants to see you and ask her when she’s free to get together. If she gives you dates and times make a date. Then hangout, have fun and hook up. No relationship talks. If she gives you BS about needing time to herself then tell her your not interested in just being friends and to call you if she changes her mind.
I suspect there is another guy in the background. To be blunt if she really wanted to see you she would find the time.
I’m sorry you have to go through these challenges.
So she and I are and have been BF/GF exclusive for a while now, rightly or wrongly. I am familiar with the coach advice and interestingly it came to me more naturally in this scenario. i've told her i love her, i support her and i know with her work consuming her she has no real time to relax and be with her family or even just veg out and relax by herself. if i had her work schedule i know i'd be nuts too so that helps me understand what she's saying.
anything is possible for sure, but as she has been working in IC on this particular issue for a long time it is highly more ilkely that. she has worked with and been pushed by her IC to make time for herself, find balance, do things for herself to make herself happier with herself such as eating healhier, going to the gym, etc, but with work really taking a huge amount of her time, her children's needs and our relationship, feeling like there's no time for herself and that she's failing the work she's done with her IC and then being guilty about not seeing me...bottom line i can see how this has snowballed for her.
time will tell. if it doesn't work with her, i will be terribly sad about that, but life will go on. i'm hopeful though given the dynamics of this as i've just described.
Man I hate being the bad guy sometimes but I feel it’s our job to give our opinions. At this stage in our lives you can have a relationship where you see someone 2 or 3 times a month. I believe AS does it. If she can’t make that time for you so she can “veg out” then she just doesn’t want to do it.
Now if 2-3 days a month doesn’t work for you then I understand and you need to end it.
The important thing is to not pursue and give her time and space.
I recently had a similar concern in my relationship. It’s different than when we were single, no kids, and no major commitments.
I realize we all have lives built now and we do need to give time to ourselves, and if we do, that doesn’t mean it has to do with the us.
My boyfriend back off spending time together a little because he was tired due to his commitments. I get it. I took it personally at first. We did talk it out. I backed off, he put in more effort.
The balance with so many commitments for sure is hard. She’s most likely giving you all she can right now and you have to decide if that’s enough for you
At this stage in our lives you can have a relationship where you see someone 2 or 3 times a month. I believe AS does it. If she can’t make that time for you so she can “veg out” then she just doesn’t want to do it.
Yes, quite right. My GF lives an hour away. She has a home remodeling business so works very unpredictable hours, often she doesn't even know what her schedule will be tomorrow much less next week. We text on and off each day but yes we only see each other 2 or 3 times a month. Years ago when it started I thought she was trying to build some distance to break up. I finally said something to her and she freaked out, thought I was trying to break up with her. We had a long talk and it turns out she just really was that busy. I have a desk job so it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't reply to texts right away, but she explained that a lot of times she's laying tile or hanging drywall and can't look at her phone until she takes a break. And it's hard for her to make plans to see me because of her unpredictable schedule. So yeah, my choice was learn to live with sporadic texting and infrequent get-togethers or break up. I decided to roll with it a while, and it's been years now. I won't say I "like" it but she's awesome and we get along amazing so I deal with it.
Ballast, I think anyone you date at this age is going to have an established career and a life that makes it tough to spare time for you. That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care though. Keep in mind she's not a WAS, she's your GF. So it's OK to share your feelings with her. I laid it all out for my GF, told her I wasn't happy with the infrequent visits, sporadic contact and lack of planning and that I felt like there was a big divide between us and it wasn't going to work. My GF explained why it was happening and vowed to try and do better. Once I knew it was because she was just very busy and not because she didn't care, then my attitude about it changed. I wish I could see her more but sometimes you just have to say "it is what it is". All relationships involve some level of compromise.
to be clear this is not about my being unhappy with the amount of time we are seeing each other. we've both been able to even with our kids see each other quite regulary and i'm very happy. this rather is about HER not feeling she has the time after work, family and our relationship, having time for doing the things she's told herself are important to her. her work is inordinately demanding and from that, all of her other life desires get compressed in to too small of an amount of time which causes her to sacrifice time with each resulting in her feel guilt over not being able to fully give enough of herself to each. i am totally fine with our ability to see each other and she is well aware of that. it's the pressure she puts on herself. i agree 100% with Ginger, she needs time for herself and in no way does that mean "it has to do with us". since the beginning with my knowing full well how little free time she would have as always given me more than enough to be happy.
AS...yep i have the traditional desk job, GF does not...she is off running here and there throughout many days of the week AND the weekend. I'm totally fine with rolling with it as well and I've told her that many times. I really know that she does care as she tells me regularly. I know this stresses her out and as I say it's not like she can magically switch jobs and immediately have a more balanced schedule. I do completely get how her life is and how it impacts our ability to see each other. right now though for her there's simply not enough HER time in the balance of her life and she needs more of it. this is fully a HER need and my saying I'm not getting enough.
Appreciate all of your comments. I'm happy to know that how I'm feeling and handling this is consistent with many of you whom I greatly respect.
Ginger...yep I know. Yesterday she sent me a positive message. Said she appreciated me, cared for me deeply and then said "I love you!!" with a kiss emoji. She said we are great at communicating and should speak more about how to use that skill to handle tough times when they come up for us.
I replied back, positively, but not over the top. Agreed that communication and us talking more would be helpful. Thing is, the way she sent the email...started off with "Hey there!" like we were strangers and not GF/BF/lovers. And then once I replied, no follow up from her. Like she said what she had to say and then done, nothing furher.
A bit later I got a picture from her with her new hairstyle. I replied that I liked it. For sure she was going out which is no real surprise as she doesn't have her kids on Wed, but usually I get a text from her about where she's going or who with. Not this time and nothing good night or anything.
So she is not being as she has been since we started dating. Gut feel/worse case/devil's advocate...there's someone else. Huge part of me feels like bailing out on this one, BUT am I being WAY WAY too quick to jump? The whole appreciate you, care deeply for you sounds friend-zonish, but then the "I love you!!"...honestly thinking like I want to bail just to not have to deal with this uncertainty any longer.
IF she wants to see you and spend time with you she will do whatever it takes to make it happen. I would not initiate any more contact with her and wait for her to reach out to you.
My boyfriend will sometimes say “hey there!” We don’t get all lovey dicey in every interaction.
Was there anything more to really say after you replied? Did she have to go to work? Was she taking care of her kids?
And “me” time could be going out with her girlfriends . That’s my “me” time. My BF and I have different ideas of “me” time, for him, it’s focusing on his hobbies, for me, it’s spending time with my friends.
Ginger...i really appreciate your comments. See I know there's nothing inherently wrong about "hey there", but in the context of how we've been to date it stands out as being more formal as we've always been lovey. It's just different from what it's been in the past. Also absolutely correct in that her "me" time could be hanging with her GFs or anything else she wants it to be. And I'm totally supportive of that. It was just different in that now she is not providing to me any details. One thing I realize that I need to do is when I don't have my D4 is that I need to be doing MY "me time" as well free from being with her. It is healthy and helpful for me and for our relationship overall. From being here I won't let my GAL slip as I know of it's value now.
From your thread I can see myself worrying about the end, overanalyzing and as I was an LBS being very wary about my GF giving me what she can and me misconstruing it as she's getting ready to bail out on me. Reading your thread/sitch was very helpful to me this morning.
Very much as you say I need to relax, live my life and enjoy this in the moment. Since we had been going along seemingly happily and now all of a sudden seem to have hit a tough spot or at least a spot wherein she needs some time, it is challenging given my prior experience to not rush to "this is the end" type of conclusions.
LH...3 months, pretty much once or twice every other week, but sometimes we can sneak a few hours extra here and there, last Saturday when I walked holding her hand shopping for stuff for my place...with her daughter holding her other hand. All actions have been positive and that she is happy and loves me. It's only the words that at best have been confusing to me.
I'm going to detach, give her the space and time she needs, reply with my feelings when/if she reaches out to me and just go on with my life. In my WW sitch I reached the point where I said "God has a plan for me and either this girl is gonna come back around to me or she's not and I'll survive, move on and continue on my journey to perhaps finding the lady who is right for me". When I get out of my head on this (and I'm only there because I do have strong feelings of love for her) and say to myself this is either gonna work or it won't and either way I'll be fine, I'm able to free my thoughts and move along. Heartbreak might just be the worst human emotion we ever have to deal with, but knowing that it's survivable and possible to thrive once through it, we can have hope for better things to come if we go through heartbreak again.
Sorry I rambled there, but I'm sure many of you can understand.
LH...just that in past relationships, I did not do a good job of expressing my feelings on things that I did not like within the relationship or I thought instead of saying I felt differently, that it was better to go along rather than create and have to get through conflict.
You definitely don’t want to have that convo over text.
Give her space and when/if she reaches out tell her you would love to see her and make a definite date. If she gives you the runaround tell her to call you when she’s free.
Like the big smooth said “if she wants to see you she’ll make time”.
Hey B, just remember the road you´ve taken. It´s about our identites, who we are. To accept ourselves and face life. Then we are who we are, we face our fears. There we stand, and there is where you are standing.
PMA, and stop that negative mind reading. It´s unnecessary.
Hugs bro! (((B)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
this rather is about HER not feeling she has the time after work, family and our relationship, having time for doing the things she's told herself are important to her.
Ahhhh, OK I totally misunderstood. I think we can all relate to her feelings on that, I know I have a dozen things I NEED to do and a dozen things I WANT to do at any given time and have time for about 25% of them if that. So I'm constantly having to prioritize and often end up doing the things I need to rather than what I want to. About all you can do there is listen and validate. Don't try to fix her! Like Ginger said it's for her to figure out. She may vent to you about it just to get it off her chest.
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AS...yep i have the traditional desk job, GF does not...she is off running here and there throughout many days of the week AND the weekend. I'm totally fine with rolling with it as well and I've told her that many times.
Good! I definitely don't like it, but I try to tolerate it! It's a real pain trying to coordinate something with her, like trip plans, because I may not get a reply for hours. Sometimes I will ask a question and she replies 2 hours later but misunderstood the question, so then I clarify what I was asking and it might be another 2 hours before I hear back. So it can take all day to have a very basic conversation. Very frustrating!
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Also absolutely correct in that her "me" time could be hanging with her GFs or anything else she wants it to be. And I'm totally supportive of that. It was just different in that now she is not providing to me any details.
Your GF sounds so much like mine. She doesn't share much about what she's doing either. She's just not very chatty in texting. She likes to wait until the next time we're together and THEN tell me what she did for the last couple of weeks.
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Very much as you say I need to relax, live my life and enjoy this in the moment. Since we had been going along seemingly happily and now all of a sudden seem to have hit a tough spot or at least a spot wherein she needs some time, it is challenging given my prior experience to not rush to "this is the end" type of conclusions.
Exactly. And I can very much relate to this.
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I'm going to detach, give her the space and time she needs, reply with my feelings when/if she reaches out to me and just go on with my life.
I hope you're doing well. Regarding your girlfriend it's hard when someone you love pulls back or becomes less available. It's still great and fortunate that you were able to discover that a romantic connection is possible after divorce. Considering you could potentially spend 40 - 50 years with this lady if the two of you get married it seems letting her go for a few weeks or months while she sorts out her own life is a short time to be apart in the grand scheme of things. I hope if you let her go in a supportive way she'll return with even more love and appreciation as her circumstances improve. You never know....but I guess many of us risk being too needy, or expecting too much, after being devastated by our spouses leaving.
So this is probably the biggest update I'll have made since my first post...
I am just back from my divorce hearing. Took about 15 minutes tops. XWW was there in the same room with me for the longest since she left. Bottom line the magistrate approved her request and it will likely be signed AND I'll be officially divorced by Wednesday of this week. Not feeling anything about it to be honest. I guess perhaps because simply put it's my past and I've already been living my future for some time now. No big celebrations or anything like that. My atty did high five me, but beyond completing the finality of this chapter of my life it felt out of place. Anyway I'm done and in about 48 hours or so, a twice divorced single father.
AS/Nicole...thank you both for your comments on the situation with my new girl. Since my last update she invited me to bring my sister to her place of business for a concert this past Thursday night. She had not met any of my family as of yet and as my sister lives far from me, the two of them having the chance to meet would have been difficult. We showed up, I introduced them and then my GF kissed me which surprised me given her texts to that time. We had a great time, my sister and her hit it off and as we left my GF and I kissed multiple times as well. Those actions on her part tempered my "WTH" is going on. Each day since my GF has texted me in the morning to tell me that she has been working like crazy. I reply in time to each of her texts, answering any questions she had, validating the stress she expresses to me about her work and then wishing her a good day.
Having been on this site, thankfully I have not been at all needy with her, no texting her all the time, "where are you?", stuff like that. I reply when if/she texts me and then otherwise I'm living my life, working on my new house and letting her be. No idea what will come of this, but I'm staying centered in myself and just moving me onward. I truly do hope she and I continue this relationship as I believe it has lots of wonderful potential, but I accept it's completely out of my hands. As with my XWW I'm letting her be as free as she has asked for and only time will tell. Sitting there at the courthouse this morning, thinking about this I said to myself "ya know if new girl isn't interested in continuing with me, then by all means please feel free to let me go, as I don't want to ever be sitting here again as I am now". And that's it really.
This morning I gave up D4 for the week. Then I went and gave up/ended my 2nd marriage. And I might be ending the new relationship that held so much promise before I want it to. I have had all kinds of love leave me and yet I've ENDURED. Perhaps that's what DB is at its core. Learning that no matter what heartbreak/hell you may have to go through, you by yourself are enough and can endure anything that comes at you.
Just want to thank all of you again for your support since I've been on here. Never had a single chance to save my MR so instead I saved myself. Not sure what awaits me going forward as I wrap this up, but I'm content, happy enough, have a family that loves me, a new wonderful home and above all the love of the most amazing little D4 I could ever imagine.
So new girl and I met last night. Gut feel, she'll dump me...eventually, but I'm a pessimist so...
Her work schedule is crazy, it's self imposed and I don't see her doing anything to set boundaries upon it such that she could have a normal balance in her life for her children, herself and possibly a relationship. I mean at the conclusion of our talking she said how she had to leave as she was getting anxious about the work she had awaiting her once we were done. Bottom line and for reasons I don't fully understand she has a very unhealthy, unbalanced attraction to her work.
Right now she's exhausted, mentally and physically. With us she's unsure how much of what she is feeling is about us and how much it is influenced by all of the work stress in her life. Again as she has said she had no intention of getting into a serious relationship, but then we met and that changed. As I told her I had no intention of entering into a serious relationship either, but when we met and based upon what I believed of our connection and the lady she was, I did not want to pass up the chance to find out if we could be something special. She said to me "see you can reconcile and I'm not sure I can". And maybe she can't. For me life doesn't come at us on the timeline we want, both good and bad so even though it might have been against my plans, I didn't want to miss the opportunity of having a relationship with her.
Anyway she says she loves me and more deeply than she ever has anyone else. I love her as well. Her work makes the rest of her life impossible right now and sadly I don't think she either recognizes that OR is willing to do anything to change it. She kissed me repeatedly, said she thinks of me all the time, but yet here she is thinking she might want to end our relationship. I'm terrible at talking too much and I'm sure I did last night. Heck I recall telling her to break up with me and let me go if that's what she needed to be happy. My time here really has me on hair trigger willing to just let her and I go and move on and that's possibly to my detriment. She has a trip coming up this Friday through next week. She hopes it will give her some time to rest and get some clarity. I think it will give her a brief respite from her current stresses, but once she's back she'll be right back to where she was. Way my luck has gone with ladies/relationships I'm heavily hedged to believe she'll pull the plug on us because that's just how it goes for me. Maybe to get to the person who meant to be with me it has to happen. Just feels like so much potential for us, but sadly nothing I can do. I'm pretty much going no contact now and giving her all the space she can handle. I will reply to her texts and take her calls if they come, but pursuit in any form is done for now. Maybe she'll miss me, I know she already does, and maybe I'm wrong, but for now even if she's not broken up with me I'm going to be living my life as if she has. Funny how even when a lady is in love with you, she can still let you go. Don't think I'll ever understand relationships and the pull of staying single, freeing my mind from such mindless exercises in frustrations such as this...meh.
I'm sorry you have to go through this again so soon after things were starting to look up for you. I'm still leaning towards she is trying to let you down easy. Typically a woman wants to bond and connect more with a man as a relationship develops so the fact that she is pulling way makes me skeptical.
You have the right attitude of giving her all the space she needs and if she's not the one it's better to find out now. I think you're handling this very well!
Thanks buddy. Just is what it is. Like I say she'll probably end us at some time. So crazy when less than a week ago she met my sister, was helping decorate my house and planning to add me to her Costco membership. She's been in IC for a long time with the goal of working on herself. This is not something that she made up as an excuse recently. Who knows. Anymore I just leave it in God's hands. She's completely exhausted and it's really taking a toll on her. She's definitely not in mood or in her dress where I'd believe there's someone else. Her work is her love to be honest. I'm more than spent trying to understand all of the various ways I can have love come into my life and leave. She loves me but will still let us go. That's a new one to me, but I guess not anymore.
Ultimately what choice do we have, but to accept and go on. Just doing the only thing I can do. Maybe one of these days a lady who loves me will come along and stay.
Ballast, it sounds like you are Plan B, not to an OM but to her work. My GF did something similar to me early in our R, we had a conversation about it and she told me that maybe I should break up with her. So I did. I just wasn't going to be anyone's Plan B after S and D from my XW. When GF found herself on the receiving end of that she had a sudden epiphany and begged me to take her back, promised things would be different, etc. And they were, as I mentioned before we don't see each other a lot but she made a lot more effort after that breakup (which was about 2 years ago I think) and continues to do so. That would be my advice to you. You're giving her too much power, telling her to break up with you? Don't give her all the power in the R. If you aren't happy with things then tell her sorry but either things change or you are ending it. Life is too short to settle for a mediocre relationship, especially after everything we've all been through.
AS...see the thing is I've been totally fine with the pace and amount of time we spend with each other. Where we find ourselves now is solely from her feelings that have only come about once events at her work caused her immense stress. The thought of me breaking up with her as crossed my mind many times, BUT if I did it would completely play into what she expected with her able to say "see I told you so!"
Reality I am Plan D. In her world it goes Work, Family, Herself, me. And right now only Work really gets her time which is very sad. I am happy with her the person, our current time together, BUT her career and her obsessiveness about it has derailed everything in her life.
I do agree though, perhaps the only and best option is for me to end it or at the least suggest we take a break for a while and see how things go over the summer. If her level of work was only temporary then it would perhaps be a different story, but I think she could work 24/7 and still never feel like she was caught up. I've never encountered a person before for whom their work totally consumes their life. It's terribly sad to see as I see her suffering and others who love her do as well as simply put she can't be herself. I can't save her nor fix her either, but as a person who loves her it's very frustrating to clearly see how she could set some boundaries and improve her situation, but she simply won't do it.
Yeah neffer I know. with her trip coming up Friday and her gone all of next week, I'm feeling like giving her that time to see what if anything changes, but then if she comes back and we're right back to where we are now then I'm going to have to end it. It's just that ending it...literally how she was so in to me and our life together and then instantly gone...baffling all I can say. She has told me until October she will not be changing/doing anything with her work so writing is on the wall I guess. I hate this, but I know what you all say is right.
