B - My XW would want to be friends if I would let her. I have no desire for anything more than a cordial, co-parenting relationship. I have no interest in knowing what is going on in her life, what she is up to, how she is doing, etc. I am not rude to her, I never put my kids in the middle and make them pick sides, I have never once spoken bad about her either however I have no interest. I am flexible with her when it comes to co-parenting our girls and always work with her when she has a scheduling issue, or when it comes to paying for things or just coordinating events in general but that is the extent.
She wanted nothing to with me, wanted a divorce, got the divorce and now wants to be my friend? No thank you. For me, there is no point.
all...it's interesting as I've been over and done with her for months now and yet in our interactions by email I'll still get "i'm so done" or "i have a better life now" or "i'm over this". I don't get the point of those really as to me those are words that at best could have been used a year or so ago..it's as if she still thinks I care how she feels and those statements to me sound immature and like she's still fighting something...although I'm not sure exactly what.
And yeah, Steve I imagine that is the main feeling behind it. As a friend of mine said to me "once this is over and you are gone, who is she going to have to place her feelings upon". Certainly isn't going to be me. I'm thankful for my future, will always take the high road, forgive her and leave her to her own path. I guess it's just frustrating to me as I'm like "c'mon at least for D4's sake we need to have some kind of respectful, in person ability". As with all of this time will unfold all of this how it will. All I can do is forgive, focus on my future and be the best father I can be for D4. If WW chooses to come along or not as with many things is out of my control.
all...it's interesting as I've been over and done with her for months now and yet in our interactions by email I'll still get "i'm so done" or "i have a better life now" or "i'm over this". I don't get the point of those really as to me those are words that at best could have been used a year or so ago..it's as if she still thinks I care how she feels and those statements to me sound immature and like she's still fighting something...although I'm not sure exactly what.
And yeah, Steve I imagine that is the main feeling behind it. As a friend of mine said to me "once this is over and you are gone, who is she going to have to place her feelings upon". Certainly isn't going to be me. I'm thankful for my future, will always take the high road, forgive her and leave her to her own path. I guess it's just frustrating to me as I'm like "c'mon at least for D4's sake we need to have some kind of respectful, in person ability". As with all of this time will unfold all of this how it will. All I can do is forgive, focus on my future and be the best father I can be for D4. If WW chooses to come along or not as with many things is out of my control.
Well said. My guess is that she is not happy with herself, which makes it impossible to be happy with others.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It sounds like she is trying to either work out her own issues, or exert control by hurting you with these nasty little gibes. Either way it is a sure sign that she is still broken. Healthy people don't need to do that. Rise above and ignore it. She will either get past all that or she won't. Either way it's not your circus.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Ballast - I've not really commented before but I have, in the background, kept up with your sitch.
I have at one time or another thrown many of those same sentences at my H. They always came from a place of hurt and were always emotionally motivated. Anger and frustration projected outwards. Understand that it is her insecurity and her pain that she is throwing at you. She wants to be friends. After the BD dust has settled and they have got what they think they wanted and they don't see us the enemy anymore then they all want to be "friends". It's not even a plan B thing, it's just a "see, I'm not such a bad person, you're still willing to be friends with me". Men do not have a monopoly on nice guy syndrome.
If you want to build some kind of relationship (even if just a co-parenting one) then you could use this as an opportunity to validate. This will get you to a place where your interactions won't be so fraught. If you don't (or you just don't have the energy for it anymore), then say "Ok" and leave her be. Either path is fine.
Hi Ballast, I haven't been able to be active here much lately, but one question I have as I read your updates is whether you ever figured out why your wife left you? I wonder if you could ask her to clarify what she means when she says all these things. I doubt that engaging her each time would be wise, but I wonder if you could try a single attempt at "why did all this happen? I never understood why you left so it's hard for me to understand your comments..." I know it doesn't matter so much now, but it just seems like there's still a piece of the puzzle missing.
Always want to thank those folks who are new to replying to my sitch...
TBSakaJ9 - Yes, I imagine once all is done and settled the desire on her part to be friends with me she would see as essentials to validate herself as still being a good person. I'll never say never, but for now I'm very much in the place that you are with your XW. I believe that a cordial, respectful relationship with her is essential and appropriate in order for us to effectively co-parent our D4. My hope is that with time that will her belief as well. It is hard though against the feeling of "she asked for this, good riddance" but I guess that's what makes forgiveness very difficult for many people.
FlySolo - My IC has always told me exactly what you just wrote. I've heard how very important is for her that we be friends and she has expressed how she "is a good person". Thing is post-BD she is actually worse now than she was immediately at BD and we are well past a year. Perhaps the D being final will be the "settling" for her. When it's final and I'm gone, where then does her pain/insecurity and projection go? Obviously not mine to be concerned with, but it is something I wonder about.
It's very hard to validate her. Primarily because we are mostly completely silent but for a few exchanges regarding our D4. No phone and in 15 months we've been physically together less than 1 hour. For now it's OK and leave her be. Until such time as she's gotten through whatever process/path she needs to go through and is desiring of a more substantial coparent relationship, that is likely as far as we will go.
Nicole - The answer is no. Did I get lots of fragments of reasons, some valid, some crazy...yep I did. I think her avoidance of me and my need to save myself along with AS's words about likely never really knowing because likely she doesn't even know herself caused me to just drop it as a concern months ago. No more than a person can explain the sudden passing of a loved one, it just happened and all that was truly available to me was moving on. Again, maybe in time someday I can approach that with her, but as I've provided as recently as this past week where I'm still getting "I'm done"/her acting as if I'm still trying to R with her and she's trying to hurt me, it's gonna be a while.
Ballast, communication is extraordinarily hard. Trying to understand what someone's saying, and what they actually mean, is just impossible. It seems your ex-wife is waiting for you to say or do something to respond to her comments but how can you know what to say? When you write here on the group you sound like a caring, self-aware, humble person so it's hard to imagine how or why your wife would want to give you up. I hope eventually your ex-wife finds what she's seeking and doesn't connect her emotions to you so you don't have to keep dealing with these comments!
Ballast - the choice to engage or not engage is yours. What effect that might have on your W is none of your concern. You have to do what resonates with your values and puts you in the best position to heal. That these two things do not always align is a dilemma I face daily (but that is my problem and not yours).
You ask what she will do if you don't accept her 'kindness' - she will continue to oscillate between rage and kindness until she tires of it and accepts that you will never be her friend. The same tools we use to heal are the tools that she will instinctively stumble upon and eventually use to heal her self. Time, distance, GAL and 180. Maybe that process will include self reflection and she will realize the immense damage she has caused and go through the painful process of self forgiveness, or maybe her ego is such it will continue to try and protect her ("you didn't do anything wrong, why is he being such a [censored]". I don't know your W. I hope it's the former though because if it is, then she too will have grown through this process and be less likely to sabotage her future relationships.
Either way, keep walking your path, keep working on you.
Nicole - I appreciate your kind words about me. While I feel for sure I am the things you say, I was also imperfect and unaware of many things as a husband and a partner. Some of those things I could have done better at, but did not...while many other things I simply had no idea about. Ultimately I guess that lead to the ending of my MR, but I always loved her and never wanted this, but it happenend anyway. As for my wife wanting me to say something or respond to her comments, honestly who knows. Unless/until she has the desire to sit down with me and try to really discuss the what and why this happened, it's not something I concern myself with. Given that I've moved on and only want to forgive and use this experience for my future growth, it's likely that won't happen anyway. As you say maybe one day she'll find what she's seeking. At this point I don't feel anything towards her good or bad. She exists as a person I have to raise my D4 with. Hard to believe how far our relationship as degenerated, but that is a for now at least.
FlySolo - I will continue to engage with W and take the high road for no other reason than it is in the best interest of and for the development of our D4. And yes I can see the dilemna you speak about. Ultimately how she decides to treat me will determine the extent to which I interact with her. With our D concluding, I simply will not tolerate any abuse from her if she continues to go that route.
My IC believes that she is so set in her ways that even over time she will not do the work/self reflection necessary. Her avoidance of the self reflection, her ego and her anger will continue to shield her from realizing the depth and reality of what she's done. My IC tells me that the path she has chosen can be exhausting as it takes lots of energy to constantly have to fight off admitting guilt or dealing with deeper emotions, but she has to as her ego is like a house of cards which can't afford for one card to waiver lest the whole house collapse. Once again none of this is my concern except to the degree it will impact my ability to co-parent with her going forward. I will be AMAZED if ever she comes to me with any semblance of remorse or desire for forgiveness. Time will tell. I'm doing exactly as you say, working on myself and walking the path of my own wonderful future.
