Attracting the WW back ?

[Tryhard]

I

well some men would probably do that yes. We cant be sexist . It def seems like there is something inside women though for sure. I was there for my wife when her mom passed away and it wrecked her world for years and years. came home crying daily and lock herself in the bedroom. I didn't turn my heart cold or bitter towards her and run away . I stood behind her and was there for her when she struggled. This lasted YEARS by the way . I wont say it didn't cause issues but i never left her thats for dang sure. I didn't give her the emapthy she needed though probably for us not ever being able to get pregnant. I will admit to that. I wasn't there for her. Then they just leave you like you were nothing to them.

There does seem to be some truth i this . Maybe men are more logical and less deep and women emotional and deep , or is it their nature?

[Ready2Change]

R2C you are a wise man and you help is a service to many . I salute you my brother, keep up the good work.

Thanks. I understand how hard it is when emotions are involved. I try to give solid advise based on logic. Makes my decisions easier when my emotions are involved. I already had to think hard about what to do.

[gzabetas]

Well divorce papers were signed last week.
Today I helped her box some of her small stuff and did some drive-runs to her new place. The movers are coming tomorrow for her heavy stuff.

Somethings I noticed. Her "new" place is a much older house, and I think she sees the difference between my place which was bright with insulation etc. And I think the OM is inferior too. From my research he is in a steady relationship with his GF and not committed to mine. A few days ago my W even said "The next man may not even measure up to you" she said. Meaning that my status (height, masters degrees, dual citizen, looks) was a positive.

So looking at the 2 houses I can kinda see that in a logical way we LBS are the clear winner, and the W knowingly drops her standards to the new OM and house and life.
Only to get away from her emotional pain. Pain that we didnt create.("you didnt break her, you cant fix her" thanks forum members for that)

God, for the last 2 years I funded her
- spanish lessons, tango lessons, english tutor, driving lessons (she failed all)
- psychologist sessions, dermatologist, endocrinologist, gynecologist
- gym membership, new phones
- new wardrobe and shoes

And still she was unhappy. Stuff that I sacrificed from me to have to offer her.
I still wear my 1990s Sears, Gap, USA clothes that I brought here to Greece (revamping my wardrobe these days)
with my own abandoned dental work etc to provide for my wife and kid as they were priorities.

And still she was unhappy ("Happiness comes from inside" DVBusting forums also)

Thank God, due alot to this forum and book here, that I was able to Detach and act as if during this ordeal.

I dont know, her moving into the older house gave me such a strong metaphor for her moving into an inferior life.
Maybe that is my POV, but I think anyone would see it.

She probably thinks that in that place, there are no demons of doubt and despair in her head.

All the negative is associated of course with everything we represent.

[Ready2Change]

Happiness is a do it yourself task. Get yourself happy. Hope she finds her happy.

Good job helping her move. Be the rock. Stay focused on your personal growth. Time is on your side. She may notice how unhappy she is without you around to blame.

[IHCLACS]

R2C. I was reading your stitches from 11 years ago and this one really stuck out, (part 5 no trust) Pg.4 from Pegasus. This is exactly what has been on the back of my mind and exactly the same form and context for months.


R2C: Smartcookie: Ping1: That is what gets me down. I need to stay "in the now". I can not understand why W believes it will be "better" being a broken family.


Ready, when you figure this out, let me know because I believe we are all in awe trying to figure out how they could care less that their children will be in a broken family.


Pegasus: I will tell you how people believe and justify this. We live in an era where every says you have to be independent. Also we have therapist and others saying if you are not happy then go find some one else to be happy with. What gets me about all the you have to do what makes you happy and screw everyone else BS is this. If I walked into a therapist office and said I wanted to beat up my neighbor because he's a jerk, and doing that would make me happy, the therapist would say calm down don't do anything rash. Yet someone walks into a therapist office and says I'm not happy in my marriage, and I have done everything I can to make it work(I love when people say that. My WAW says that. There is no possible way on earth that you could have done everything to save your marriage. It's a cop out. The truth is they got tired of trying.) the therapist more often then not will tell them, well if you feel you have done everything and your not happy, go be happy. Leave your spouse and make your kids have a broken home. This is the era we live in. It's all about ME and MY happiness and SCREW everyone else. And these people teach their kids the very same values. Very few people will look at the situation and go well what is the RIGHT thing to do. The right thing is to FIND a way to make your marriage work and rebuild the love and trust. And unless there is serious addictions or physical or emotional abuse there is ALWAYS a way.

[gzabetas]

Thanks R2C, thats exactly what I want to be. The rock. Unphased by all madness.
And I agree, she may notice how unhappy she is w/o me. I hope she does. I was her emotional support for years to the point where it drained me. I need this time for me too. Lets see how she does on her own with the demons inside her having no one to respond around her.

IHCLACS I know what you mean about our era of disposable relationships.
My therapist and her father were all for the marriage. She fired them too. So in the end the stronger ego wins.
But in a way its a losing bet for them.

I would have never thought of the lowest of lows that my spouse entered to "survive" / escape.:

Rewriting our history. Monstrifying me. etc (the script we all are familiar with)
Affairs with OM in kinky positions at the gym that I paid for and drove her in my car to after making her scrambled eggs and juice.
Keeping them secret for a year.
Lying about everything to me.
Verbally abusing me for a year.
Badmouthing me to everyone, behind my back.

And I kid you not. I am the nicest guy you can meet. I was never the controlling type, or angry etc
I am not going to be so nice anymore (to quote Richard Dreyfus in Stakeout)

[lurch05]

Ill see your gym that you drove her to and raise you a video of W and OM making out (almost screwing) in the car I bought and just rebuilt the top end of the motor in specifically for her. Video sent by my cousins son who also worked the same shift as her. W didnt know that she parked right next to him. That was a def kick in the nuts as the entire family knew what was going on after that.

[gzabetas]

ouch that hurts.
at least yours was almost screwing. i cant even begin to describe the acts my wife did.
I wrote the paragraph and deleted it a few times. I refuse to even type it. its that demeaning to me.....
oh well as AnotherStander always says "We should be able to see our wives getting gangbanged by 50 in the park" and have it roll off like water on a ducks back. So wise. Thats true detachment.
- Oh you drank from that mans .. Oh thats just swell, keep it up.....
That is the definition of "you mean nothing to me"
Gotta love the vets on this forum, they have given us so much.

[lurch05]

Yeah, im at that point now. Tried reconciling after she left for almost 9 months, but she continues to lie (i know of at least 2 more guys she was with) and 3 she has admitted to. It doesnt even effect me anymore, esp since I can never see myself being physical with her again after she reveled she "caught" something she cant get rid of now.

[gzabetas]

From the minute your spouse bomb drops you, it is over. Even if it is for now. You may connect again in the future but for now consider it over. Its better that way.

Its all clear to me now. All the efforts at buying her gifts post BD to show her love, were attempts at bribes.
Or not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. Why? Cause it hurt like hell.
But looking back (hindsight being 20/20) from a more detached position I can see her actions for the past year (prior to BD) were so offensive and disrespectful. When I got a job offer she was in rage. "Why now ?" she kept saying.
Cause it would break her fantasy of me being the dud and her OM being the shining knight. (PS he is long gone now, funny how that works, but we are still divorced).

I think it would benefit it us all if, from the time we are BD'd we assume that we are now sleeping "with the enemy".
Our spouse has crossed over and is working for the other side. Kind of like those 70s paranoia spy thrillers (Parallax View), where our spouse is brainwashed and programmed to work for the other man/woman.

They truly don't give a rats ass about us at that point. So we need to protect ourselves.
Its hard to believe the person we shared life's ups and downs, children, meals and a bed with could be so ruthless to us.
But it happens. Call it MLC or WW or whatnot, the ingredients are there for a recipe in disaster. Your disaster.
As vets here say, dont forget, she has has a 1 year start on you and you are entering the game late.
The name of the game is now called your survival.

Really if that can sink in for newcomers, it would helps recovery so much.

One thing that has helped me get my sleep back, is when she moved out. It really is better. Even if our kid is with her I will see him in the next few days. But not having the pouting and anger and temper depression, text messaging OM in front of me has been a life saver. It really is out of sight out of mind.

Cooking myself a healthy breakfast and getting ready for a jog.

Starting the new book of my life. Chapter 1