The reflection, the inner work, the questions are all good and powerful forces within you. Beliefs are challenged, strengthened, created, altered, and some even let go of. This takes time. Do not fear your faith, or beliefs, in yourself. You will rise, know, and believe - it just takes some time.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I felt such sudden anxiety about it all, wondering what the he** I’m doing! I started to pray, and I feel calmer, but it’s weighing on my mind.
These feelings do pop in and rattle us pretty darn good. From my experience as one is finding indifference those feelings, and other tempting feelings, will seem larger and more powerful than they really are. Follow your beliefs. Feel what your feeling, and let them flit away.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Why am I embarrassed?
Just a feeling. You know you are not tied to his behaviour. However, for a long time, as a couple, you each reflected onto each other. It does take time to rationalize this tie between your feelings and his behaviour. Once rational, it no longer affects your emotional state.
Originally Posted by Grace21
How does one ever get past all those lies??? It seems impossible now.
That is a good question. It has the heart of all this right at it core - trust. How can I trust him again?
You don’t have to figure this out right now. You have time. If he turns back, does the inner work on himself, demonstrates trustworthy behaviour, I believe one can find trust again.
It does seem impossible, and that will make it so. The first step in “getting passed all the lies” is realizing you don’t.
You accept the lies, see the error in assuming impossiblity, and be open to a new possible H in the future.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Maybe it’s because I’ve chosen to Stand, which leaves open the possibility of R, and I wonder if that happened, how many people would think I’m a fool for even considering R with this going on. Why should I care what others think? Those negative thoughts creep in.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Am I standing for myself, or to once again protect H? Am I just avoiding something difficult? That is historically how I handled things for so long in our M– smooth things over. Don’t make waves. Usually at a cost of my peace of mind.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I don’t want to Stand only because filing for D may break my already fragile H. I do worry about that. I know I will be o.k. I don’t think H would be. Bold assumptions about future events, I know.
This is fantastic inner pondering, find out who Grace is, and who she will be.
Indifference, healing, letting go, all cause feelings, thoughts, and questions. Standing really starts when you are strong enough, and healed enough, to walk away. Grace, keep standing. Get to the other side of this, for yourself.
I completely understand your feelings about standing. How others view it, and even bluntly and unrequestedly will tell you. They have not walked in your shoes. I have not either, however mine own are similar. I agree with your choice, and you are not a fool. It might matter a little what others think; trusted and close confidants will help you see and not tell you what to do. Even then, the real and only person who’s opinion matters is your’s.
The negative thoughts do plague, don’t they? They mostly are driven and created by your feelings. Again, work through the feelings and the fears associated with them.
To me, you are standing mostly for yourself, and a bit for H. Protecting, worring, and a little fear - yes vague gun references do weigh on the mind. Working through your fears, letting go, finding inference, and you will see your stand take shape. You will be alright, and that is your bold future.
Originally Posted by Grace21
H is on my mind today. I don’t like it. Why are thoughts of him constantly simmering in the back of my brain seemingly all the time. Why can’t I just let go? I believe he may be away with OW right now. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a week. The longest stretch yet. Why should all this bother me? Why do I LET it bother me? It doesn’t change anything.
Patience dear friend. A void is slowly forming, the place which was reserved for H, and your emotional self is filling it. Nature abhors a vacuum, and all manner of feelings, temptations, vices, and whatnot will fill it.
Maybe this will help. Looking back I realize indifference isn’t about purging W or my feelings. It does start that way, and that vacuum within does get filled. My advice and suggestion is to work towards a compssionate indifference.
A spouse can remain in one’s heart, and feelings can still exist. You can let them go and still love them, forgive them, and move forward. It is a bit like not caring, or maybe tough love is a better description. Honestly, trying to describe it is best with compassionate indifference. Once you find it, you will know and believe.
Grace, you are doing so very well, asking thoughtful questions, and feeling all what you should. Patience, answers will present themselves.
Be peaceful.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Some days are just harder than others- The MLCer, and The unknowing, the changes and just life even without all the MLCer craziness-
I try to have a plan for my hard days- I try to acknowledge the pain- and feel it /share it if needed- meditate , journel , Joel olsteen videos-
then it just passes and your feelings/thoughts will pass too-
Sometimes we get insights that are important- The pain brings us closer to the changes we need to make and the total letting go trust the process and surrender to the thoughts/feelings--they will pass everything moves toward acceptance/clarity Its the nature of life and the process takes time-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for your insight. I value it more than you can know. I really don't think I'd be in the relatively good place I am now if I didn't have the support from people like you, and of course others on this board, and the insight you have from having traveled this road.
I realize I'm impatient. Whether H filed for D tomorrow, or waits for another year, or never, I still need to travel this road at my own pace, pay attention to all the yield and caution signs, and even stop once in a while. Eventually I'll get to the road that will take me into my future. I need to remember this is independent of H's journey.
6 months seems like a long time to still have all of these ups and downs. My friends here will say 6 months is just the beginning. I suppose that's true.
I realized today that I spend a lot of energy and time worrying about what H might be doing, spying a bit in the phone records and elsewhere, and peeking at his FB page. I am going to work on just living in the moment this week. Not dwelling about the future or what it might bring. And using my time for more productive, interesting things.
I didn't hear from H for 8 days. Then, random text "I think I caught the norovirus on the plane. Awful. Still recovering. 2 days since I ate". We went back and forth a bit about his symptoms and I even offered to bring him Gatorade. Why I did? Who knows? I didn’t wait to respond. That’s part of the problem. He said he bought all he needed. (His GF probably brought it over for him). Then another text many hours later asking whether his hiccups that lasted for 17 hours is a bad sign of something.
I guess H was looking for all that wonderful sympathy I used to give him. I threw a little his way. Nothng since.
What the heck? I just think it's weird. Temp check. I failed, I think. Oh well. Move forward.
Anyway......In just a little over a month, my daughter will be home from college for the summer. Can't wait to have her around! Really looking forward to it! We are already making some plans of things to do together. S21 will probably stay at school and take a few classes. He hasn't been able to secure an internship unfortunately. That makes me worried as he graduates next year.
I’m working hard on further detachment. It's been a real struggle. I still think too much about what H is up to. I’m using my time with lots of GAL activities, and being proactive in getting all finances documented… assets, debts, etc. so if D looms, I will be able to just hand over the info to the attorney. I've decided to start planning trips and activities in the future with a traveling group or a friend. I feel like that will help me detach. I think in the back of my mind I didn’t want a big trip planned not knowing where my relationship will be at that time in the future. I was putting my life on hold. It kept me a bit stuck, I think.
I’m also starting a few projects around the house….painting, removing/replacing some old furniture. I plan to stay no matter what, so I might as well make it like I want it. Should I end up single one day, I just might get a boarder, so I’m keeping that in mind with some of the changes. I’ve been sprucing up the front with lots of potted flowers. They make me happy. I always have cut flowers on the kitchen counter too. They just make me feel good. I find that these little things help my overall mood.
I’ve been wondering about how many LBSs ended up filing for D themselves instead of waiting for their S to do it. I’m curious about your reasons. Did you just get tired of waiting? Did you find someone else? I’m not ready to do it quite yet, but that thought is becoming more and more frequent.
My trip planning, planning fun things to do with the kids over the summer, home projects, and all my GAL activities are part of my overall plan to starting living like I’m single (without the dating). Like there is no H out there. I’ve realized that a lot of my activities had me wondering if H would like to go with me (to see the kids), or what would he say if I went here or there. Still wondering about Hs plans for his future. Does it matter? No, no really. I realize I just want to know because I want to know. It’s preventing me from detaching fully. I’ve got to stop it. It’s useless.
So, my new “single” me is going to have a new mindset. I plan to live my life like God would want me to, and turn over H to God and just pray that H finds his way with God’s help. I need to get out of God’s way so he can do his work.
P.S.
In January, I posted a few goals.
1. Learn to make Artisan breads, 1 a month – I’ve only done one batch, but it was so big, that’s the only one so far. Just took the last out of the freezer. Time to look for another recipe. (It was so good!)
2. Learn how to knit – Been looking for a class. But, tonight at church, they were talking about crocheting prayer shawls to send on mission trips, and they are going to have a class to learn how to crochet! So, I think I’ll start there!
3. Clean out 1 closet a month. I’ve done a closet, and our bonus room. I might tackle another closet this weekend. So, on tract with that one!
Love your goals! Yes, you need to live your life and not put it on hold because of H. Besides, the more you build the life you want, the better off you will be whether he returns or not.
As for the divorce question- I read somewhere that the majority of divorces were initiated by women. I don't think it's because a majority of women initiate breakups - I think more men do - but the WAS can't be bothered to do the hard paperwork of divorce, so it's often the LBS that finally has to file to protect themselves or to get closure.
I like the way the church has a class opening that seems interesting to you That is a good sign of doors opening for you-
You are right on with moving forward and taking good care of you As time passes, we let go it takes 18 months to 2 years to grieve a loss this big-
It doesn't surprise me he texted you with his sudden illness, the Mlcer seems to have bad luck anyway-I think because they run and live outside the will of God
You have good intentions and its normal to want to help the man we loved- as time moves on , your focus will shift- to letting go We learn as we go- and if you felt like you did too much you can adjust your response next time- You can keep your responses simple "sorry to hear" or "feel better"
The Mlcer will have to navigate their new life just as we do-and learn to live without the support of a good spouse-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think you right, H is just looking for sympathy.
As for the temp check. I did like the “I failed. I think. Oh well. Move forward.” Made me smile with understanding. One thing, that is not a fail, think of it as a learning. You need to learn how to handle his temp check, that’s all that was, no fail involved. That is progress right there. Next time, I think you will be a little different.
Really good mindset Grace. Turn H over to God. Embrace life, standing, being single, detachment, and indifference - all of it fully embrace it. You decide and choose your life and your way. By the way, I can see what your basing this on, well done!
The house upgrades sound really good. Make it what you want.
For what it worth, and I know you know this, don’t worry about thinking about H and what he is doing, what his plans are for the future. I get that you just want to know because you want to know. You do get to a point where you don’t need, want, or care to know his plans. It does happen, try giving that to God also, let Him worry about H’s plans.
Along with kml, I think most LBS end up filing - to protect themselves, or the WAS just can’t be bothered or get their act together, or the LBS final has enough. Maybe a little of all three.
Myself, I am in the minority, W did the heavy lifting. I held on to “I would not divorce her”. However, here I am. How long would I have gone without filing, I’ll never know. I do think it would not have been forever; I could see a couple of more years though.
Have fun with the crocheting. Awesome idea!
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What a great update. Especially making the home yours - that's such a great way to really surround yourself with YOU. See your own positive mindset reflected around you.
If you do decide to pursue knitting after your crochet adventures I do recommend YouTube for learning anything knitting related. They have short videos on everything from casting-on to basic or advanced stitches. I learned to knit by picking out a pattern I wanted to try and looking up each stitch on YouTube. Also a lot of places have knitting social groups (Meet-Ups, or "Stitch 'n B**** sessions are common). They aren't classes, but you bring your own project and it's a social time. Other knitters are always willing to lend a hand if you're stuck on a particular project to show you how to work through it.
I had a pretty decent weekend. Went to an outdoor concert last night with a GF, got stuff done around the house, went to church, planted some flowers. Just normal stuff. About 4:00, I found myself obsessing about H and our sitch, so I decided to go back to this local festival to listen to another band. Chatted with a nice couple next to me, then.....I saw my Hs OW's H and her BF! They were with some other people too. Ugh! I went to escape, and there they were. I couldn't stop looking their way. I think they saw me, but I didn't approach them. It kind of ruined the whole thing.
I'm getting sick of this whole situation. Up. Down. Peace. Anxiety. Confident. Fearful. Forward. Backward. *sigh*
I reached out to my therapist for a regrouping. I need better tools to detach. I know D will not help me detach, that it is something separate to be done on it's own but sometimes I just want it to be over.
Starting Month 7 tomorrow, and my 28th wedding anniversary looms in May. It's too much.
I know if I reread all my old posts there would be plenty of positive, moving forward experiences shared in those words. I just don't feel them to be true right now.
