Thanks TH and Alison. I am as a complete mess and I was reading lots of posts from people and there seem to be very few MR recoveries. That was telling me to go all in and push an answer so I can move on . I need to heal and I cannot do it whilst the woman I love is living with me in the same house . I cannot wait 2 years of abject misery in the slim chance it will work out . I know there are no answers or quick fixes but I need my sleep and to eat , if it means a harsh confrontation then I will do it . I am moving ahead with selling the house and yes I do hope she changes her mind , but I am aware she will be playing and testing me
So I am impatient, that is something I will take from all of this and it has helped me to slow down a bit . I think maybe drinking was a way that I used to slow myself down . I need to learn do do it on my own . My 180’s have been useful and give me pride . Baby steps are good , and I am now focusing on doing what works and not worrying about the why . Try something new to get different results. Some of these contradict each other someoso I need to weigh up which is appropriate.
I have been thinking about why went with the boundary statement . 3 reasons . 1) to express that I knew what she had done and lied to me 2) to stop her seeing om 3) to try and save the love I have for her dying. But mostly I think to get her back . I truly felt I had let her go yesterday, but today I am a mess . Glad I have no temptation to drink again as that would make things worse if I did . I also have been reading Sandi’s posts and was trying to get the fear of loss and the wake up to what the reality will be if we go our own ways .
She is being ultra nice to me since then but I know it is just manipulating me to try to let her continue to do what she wants . I also don’t want any arguments and for things to continue to be civil but today it has hit me again and I want to just find somewhere to crawl up in and sleep/ hide .
I know I will feel better shortly and need to get the PMA and act as if all will be fine ( it will) just need to stop wallowing and get moving.
boundaries aren't about getting your wife to do anything. She will do whatever she wants no matter what you do or don't do. Boundaries won't stop her seeing the OM or get her to come back or save any love you have from dying. Boundaries are about protecting yourself.
tryhard, Alison is right, and you seem to already know, that #2 was bad. It was trying to control her. You can't. It set expectations for you. You shouldn't. You admit to being impatient. This will kill you in DBing. I am coming to the belief that the #1 requirement for DBing is patience. Finally, if she were to cross the boundary, what is the consequence, and are you REALLY ready to follow through with that consequence?
As far as how you are feeling today. Completely normal. I remember the first 6-8 weeks of my sitch. Man the emotional swings were intense. One day I would be ready to move on, actually excited about the future without her. To the next day feeling like my world was going to end if she left. Felt like there was almost no in-between. Hang in there it does get better. You have the right idea, staying busy is important.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's really hard. We try to control not because we're awful people, but because we're in pain and we're trying to find a way to make it stop. Keeping busy and caring for ourselves and letting time pass is the only way and it is very very hard - I am still struggling day by day myself.
So we had a meal out together. Had a great time , a car was driving to towards us when we got out of the car and she wasn’t looking so I held my arm out to warn her , she misunderstood and held my hand . I panicked and almost walked in front of the car , she asked if I was trying to kill us both
I had been doing so well up until now and made a joke of it and undone some of the damage . We did kiss later and I went to bed after we listened to some music .
I have to still take it slow , I will NOT be her gay bff. I have to let her go I guess
