I tried responding earlier, but my internet konked out or something.
You are doing your best. Give yourself grace. You are absolutely strong enough to do this. You've already decided to stop drinking and that is incredible! Here's how I see it, will you ever regret fighting for your M? Will you ever say, man I should have just given up and been a jerk and told her where to go and not worked on my own issues?
Hang in there! You aren't alone. Detachment is a process.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thanks 97 , it is hard . I am trying, it’s just the waiting times , I cannot keep going all the time and when I stop my mind wanders and I am on a rollercoaster of doubt , she just kissed me on the cheek when she left , could be to meet someone, I don’t seem to realise that she doesn’t seem to care about me . I need to DB better on me
The waiting is awful. As I type that out I realize that I want to tell you not to look at is as waiting. My mom tells me 'live your life!' so instead of looking at the sitch as waiting, why not look at is as 'time to work on ourselves'. Do what we want, when we want?
I hope I don't sound insensitive, but I'm talking to myself here, too. I can easily get on that rollercoaster, but the cost is my emotional equilibrium and I've decided not to give that to him. So when I start spinning, I find something other to do. For me, praise and worship music helps. Comedies, walks, talking to the dog, driving out to watch my cows eat, anything but sit or pace. and dwell. and think. Doesn't help, usually hurts, and I turn into a ginormous ball of sad.
I'm happy for you that you got a kiss. Consider it a sweet gesture and nothing else. I got a hug and made myself not read anything into it. lol had to talk myself down the whole drive home. May or not mean anything, don't go there! (is what I tell me).
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
So last night was minor eventful . She was going out for dinner with an old friend who was having issues . I got this text Staying at Sally' s so she will bring me back in the morning x
Smelling a rat I drove to where I thought she might be BEFORE she sent the text , at a bar !!
I phoned her she refused the call . I sent this text
I cannot live how we are whilst you are sleeping with another man . We will fix the house up and get it sold by the end of the month
She turns up at 08:45 and pretends to be asleep on the couch . I said get up we are busy today I left her alone and about 30 mins she turns up all somber . I carry on small bit of small talk whilst I am replacing an outside light . Then she goes out and comes back with a box of cigars!! This threw me off a bit . Carried on more smiles and talk then I discussed about the front of the house , she said wood bark , I said I thought we agreed slate , she said yes if we were staying, I stayed quiet and carried on . About 20 mins later I found her and said “ just to be clear we are selling and no funny business “
She said she was going to cook dinner later , I said fine .
You are all over the board my friend. One minute you are selling the house and pursuing a D and the next minute you are asking if you should spend time with her and support her emotionally.
Is supporting a woman who is married to you while she is sleeping with another man strong behavior or weak behavior?
Thanks dood , she is being super nice , just wanted to make sure , I am too impatient. I am newish at this and am expecting her to suddenly realise and wake up . I guess it is fear , or manipulation that driving her . She is a great person apart from this one thing . That is what makes it hard . So unless she does the honest give up og and commit to us then my boundary stands . 2x4 me again and again I haven’t learned much in 4 weeks that has stuck
Have you read up on boundaries? You set a boundary, she broke it so what are the consequences?
This is why we don't like newbies setting boundaries early on.
You set it, she broke it, no consequences which makes you look weak which lowers her respect for you which lowers her attraction for you which pushes her towards OM.
Hi TryHard. Thanks for your comments and suggestions on my thread.
I wonder if checking up on her and following her is the best thing for you right now. You have already let her know what your boundary is, and you seem certain she is in an active affair in spite of it. Why do you need more evidence? Why do you need to have more conversations with her about it?
I am no expert, but my IC told me that you never need to do much talking or explaining of boundaries. You just take your action as you see fit. I end phone calls when my H starts speaking to me disrespectfully and I tell him why. When I try to convince him to keep to my boundary it never works. Apparently, the less you say and the more quietly and firmly and consistently you act, the better.
