The annoying thing is, he's separately arranged to take his mum to lunch during the week because he hasn't seen her since last summer. Usually this time of year he will take them to see her for a few hours but he hasn't this year. The kids don't want to see her but will happily collect the birthday money she will give them, once I put them on a train to meet her for dinner but ds2 said that was 'hell, pure hell' (because he had to actually talk to her instead of slope off to his room!). If she visits here the kids disappear off to their rooms after a bit (I don't blame them) and if I go off to do housework she'll follow me round and talk at me. So I think I will offer her a couple of dates and just make sure I'm out of the house for a long time. I've no desire to see her, particularly if she behaves like she did at Christmas, playing the victim card about her relationship and simultaneously patronising me for dh leaving even though she has no idea about the full story.
Anyway, I'll text her and leave it up to her. Plenty of friendly texts with dh yesterday, he is manically busy still so hopefully he's looking after himself.
She is a very difficult woman, and we have some stuff she's done in the past to me which I resent her for a lot (though dh defended me at the time he took on the criticisms she had of me and this is what hurts much more). This all came back to me with a huge bang yesterday. I had a difficult session with my IC, very difficult. I know I told him to challenge me, but I think he was doing it to an unreasonable extent when I was feeling vulnerable about retelling the dream I had.
Anyway, I was driving and I got this stuff about MIL into my head and how much I hate her for damaging dh and for damaging my children in turn and how much I hate dh for behaving like her and abandoning us, and I got myself into a right fury. Luckily I was driving so I couldn't contact dh, because he had done nothing to provoke all this reaction, it was in me. And I knew that but I was still so angry. If forgiveness is a cyclical process then I was straight back into all the resentments I've had at dh about leaving me essentially a single mum, not being there for me over the years, etc. So I cried a little bit and thought a lot and eventually I decided that all this was just not helpful. You can't change the past, just learn from it and try to be a better person. So I let it go, turned the radio up, sang along and by the time I got to my destination I was balanced again. It was interesting. Difficult, but interesting.
Dh's last big day at work today, I wished him luck and I hope he's not too exhausted tomorrow. I wish he was able to take a couple of days off work but I'm pretty sure he can't or won't. At least he gets away when he comes to see us in April. I was going to ring him and say 'your mother, you sort out the kids seeing her' but he has enough on his plate right now without having to deal with that, and he has to endure her for lunch. I will just arrange for her to come and see the kids and make very sure I am not there.
Really it would be easiest if the kids arranged it themselves. But they have both blocked her mobile number...So tempting, so so tempting to do that myself I can send her a text, it won't kill me. The kids have a ridiculous schedule between them now that ds1 has started his job, so it's only me that has the calendar in my phone and in my head. Dh does know a lot more now what they're up to, but I will take that extra burden from him.
MIL update: I told her one day next week is the only date the kids can make for ages (true) and she said she would drop presents over tomorrow. I said we are going out so she can come before that, I plan to be out until the very last minute before we have to leave. She was pushing for a date after Easter, she can whistle for that.
Today: I met dh for breakfast (OK) and we did our social run together. He wasn't very comfortable in a big group of my friends and he went off much too fast, he was quite snappy with me and he had to leave early to go and work. I had low expectations because I knew it would be out of his comfort zone in a lot of ways and also he's exhausted by his busy time at work. I could see today how tired he was. So my expectations were pretty much met, I was ok with giving him the benefit of the doubt and he wasn't horrible, just not particularly nice. Tomorrow I expect a bit more when we're by ourselves again. Tomorrow is the last push at work and after that hopefully things will ease off for him a bit.
I'll stay in a holding pattern for a while I think while his work calms down and he recovers. My friends were very impressed at him turning up at all, it's a total 180 for him to want to see any of my friends or to go running. Him coming home early tomorrow for mother's day lunch is also a 180, he and the kids have always ignored it in the past. And he could have just said he has to work, given the kids a bunch of money and asked them to take me out. So that is also positive.
I admire you for keeping your expectations low and being so understanding of where your husband is with his work right now. And also for noticing the positives. And I think you handled your MIL really well. That's some great boundary setting there.
Do you have boundaries for when your husband snaps at you? I know there's a difference between snapping and ill temper and verbal abuse. But I bet your husband could control himself when speaking to your friends or his colleagues. He chooses not to control his ill temper with you. Do you stand up for yourself or set a boundary when he speaks to you disrespectfully? From your posts over the past couple of weeks, it seems like he's snappy with you almost every time you see him.
Hope you have a good time tomorrow. Happy Mother's day for then. You deserve one!
Actually I'm not sure he's great at controlling himself with his colleagues...He hasn't been that snappy really, just one or two short times the last couple of times I've seen him and perhaps I've been sensitive to it because I'm conscious I don't want it back as a habit (nor does he). Both times I've sort of gone quiet and withdrawn a bit (but not run away even if I felt like it) and I could pretty much feel him thinking about his behaviour and stopping it. So that's progress. Maybe I should be more assertive about it, once or twice I was lighthearted in return and that was ok (he hates feeling laughed at though). I need to be assertive and not defensive as my default. The other day in the restaurant he asked me to open the wine and I started doing it and he then made out like he knew the 'right' way to do it and started doing it, it didn't work very well and he gave it back to me and said 'I guess there's more than one way of doing it so it works'. That was a 180 from him. So today he didn't treat me well but he didn't treat me badly. He's entitled to the odd nasty comment, we all are. I'm tired and possibly not very good at responding and also super sensitive about any criticism. I need to sleep well tonight for a change so I can help him to be kind instead of critical, he doesn't want to be critical any more and I want to help him with that by being assertive. Not my natural state! Maybe I need to say that to him? I feel like I've gone back to being a bit closed off to him again partly because I'm tired and partly because he is. Maybe I need to say that as well.
I had some friends there today who know my situation and I felt sad and angry that things are still messy and complicated. They thought him coming was a big thing though, especially during his busiest week of the year. I texted him and said that I appreciated it wasn't really in his comfort zone and I appreciated the effort he'd gone to to come when he's so busy.
I think it's a really big thing that he's come and met your friends - especially as he might presume you've spoken to your friends a lot more recently and fully about what it in your mind and heart and they might have an opinion about him. Not saying that's true - but I can imagine it might be in his mind, and might be a bit of a facing for him. It is a positive sign.
I have a friend whose husband gets a bit critical and controlling (not in an abusive way, just in a nit-picky, moany type of way) when he's stressed. She deals with it by very mildly and affectionately making fun of him. Her point is made, but she's light hearted and affectionate about it and he can take a joke and is aware he gets a bit moany and critical when he's stressed so is willing to accept that gentle reminder from her.
Yes! Thank you, I'd not considered it in quite that light before, he is super sensitive to what people think about him so knowing that some of my friends today know the situation and might feel negatively towards him might have been difficult for him (they don't actually, they are very kind and understanding women who want the best for me and for my marriage to work). Thank you for pointing out that to me, I thought it was out of his comfort zone to just meet all my friends but that must have added to his stress.
Excellent point, that's kind of what I mean about being assertive and not defensive, perhaps pointing out his negativity in an affectionate way sometimes might be useful, instead of over-reacting and then making it worse. I remember once I completely defused a rather rude text from him a few years back by saying 'lol, you have such a great sense of humour, that's why I love you'. I might experiment with more of that sort of thing, because he will never stop being critical altogether so I need to minimise it and handle it better.
Thank you, both great points there for me to think about and work with.
I can send her a text, it won't kill me. The kids have a ridiculous schedule between them now that ds1 has started his job, so it's only me that has the calendar in my phone and in my head. Dh does know a lot more now what they're up to, but I will take that extra burden from him.