It is so so so so so tiring. And I think he's playing games, a bit. Perhaps out of fear, or uncertainty, or because he wants you to do something but isn't telling you what it is. Or because his abandon issues mean he's just not able to be in an adult relationship and do the work of repair. And it does seem like going dark and letting him experience what 'not being married' might feel like is the only thing you've not tried yet.
I hope you get your work done. I have a thing to do for tomorrow and I am not staying up late to do it tonight because I am exhausted and plan to be fast asleep in less an an hour if I can manage it.
Yes, you're right. And the doing something but not telling me what it is sounds very familiar, though he did say today that I shouldn't blame myself for this. He is having a genuine crisis I think, he's just made it all about us. Not taking things personally but taking them personally enough to change in a positive way has been a huge thing to me in all of this. I have taken things both too personally and not personally enough for a long time, I see that now.
And maybe he needs to see what life is like without me in it before he realises what he has to lose and does something. I will get there eventually. It's easier when you're feeling strong, not hormonal and like you can cope with anything. I'm not at that place right now (but I was a week ago so I will be again, I felt on top of the world last week).
Good luck with your work, mine continues. It will be slapdash but submitted.
Yes, I think you're right. Now is not the right time, but soon, if things don't change, I will have to go dark. It's too exhausting being in this place and having so much hope for so long. I can't live like this indefinitely with pleasant interactions and no physical or emotional intimacy. And a constant feeling of rejection.
I find that the pleasant interactions themselves feel like a rejection. I want to yell "I am your W FFS, I am not the person at the shop selling you X, we shared a bed for 15 years, can we talk about something real". But I can't. Because he is not ready. I always try and think of why he is doing it - because he too, doesn't know how to be around me. So he keeps it shallow. He keeps it safe. The trick is to just learn to think of them like the person serving me at the shop.
Going dark gives you space to reflect away from the turbulence of his emotions and his behavior. It also gives him an opportunity to miss you. If the interactions are too much. If you find yourself constantly dissecting, analyzing and doubting yourself, then perhaps going dark is what you need. If you are not at the whims of his benaviour and his mood, then I would just ease up a bit. Plan more things without him. Start limiting your interactions but keep those interactions you have pleasant. Don't suggest doing things together, but don't say no if he initiates (unless you already have plans, in which case, don't change your plans).
Originally Posted by dillydaf
One interesting thing he said after I said I felt rejected on Tuesday night that he shoved me towards the station and went off, he said he looked back and I didn't. Now, that to me says a lot about his behaviour this whole time: shove me away and then look after me with fear that I'm abandoning him.
I would ask myself "why" would he tell you this. To me it is temp checking. He saw you felt rejected and was worried he'd gone too far. After I discovered my H was dating, he was around every day for a week. He was overly friendly - he cleaned my car, he painted a wall, he rang me up to remind me about needing to do my MOT and then offered to take the car to the garage for me. On one of those days we had an R conversation which escalated (I escalated) to talking about formalizing the separation. Afterwards, with me in tears, he asked me if I wanted to come to lunch with him and D12.
In any case, understanding the motivations behind an action does not change the action itself. It just gives you more insight into it. Carry on doing you and let him do him.
Thank you FS, that was helpful. I think you're right, I'm suddenly obsessing about what he's up to whereas before I would just assume he was getting on with work and stuff and I wasn't worried too much. Maybe I do need to go dark for my own benefit. I certainly need to stop pursuing. I texted him earlier asking what he was up to tonight. About half an hour later he rang and said he'd had a bottle of wine with some work colleagues. Now I'm suspicious of that. How did it take him an hour to get back to his flat?
I feel like I was in a really good place at last in the last fortnight, like I would be OK no matter what. This week has been utterly horrific. I want to climb out of this hole and back into being OK no matter what. I will stop being a victim. I will be strong and get on with my life. I have 2 very nice GAL activities planned for tomorrow which are both productive and feed my soul. I kind of wish I hadn't agreed to meet dh for breakfast tomorrow now, I will have to get up super early to meet him. I've agreed multiple times so I won't go back on my word, but I won't be super friendly tomorrow. I'll be too tired for starters.
I'm moving towards going dark, for sure. I'm not sure I'm content with crumbs and tiny changes when he still tells me he's not sure he wants to be married. I know that patience is key to all this, but I'm really not sure I'm prepared to wait for years with no physical affection. My kids are teens, if this had happened when they were still affectionate then maybe, but not now. Life is too short. I don't want to be alone for years on end.
You're having a bad week, and the IC's suggestion about an affair might not have helped. But it sounds like the week has been horrible at least in part because of facing up to the reality of the changes he hasn't yet made, as well as concentrating on the small ones he has. I think you can be patient while going dark, and you don't have to have an R talk or warn him about going dark. You don't even need to ignore him - you can respond, as Fly Solo says, but be unavailable for future plans and not initiate any more of your own. I don't think it would take more than a few weeks of that before he was pretty clear in his own mind and ready to express to you what he wanted.
Dropping in to say hi and been reading your posts. Saw you were having a rough week. Sorry to hear about that.
30 years together? That is a long time. I've been with my W for 25 together. Things changed more noticeably after her father passed away 2 years ago and she got her stupid tat. I've seen several posts about people getting new tattoos later on in life, getting a new look etc.
Get out and GAL for yourself. Try not to focus on anything about your H, his flat, what he's doing etc. That'll cause you to spin and feel sick.
As for not being able to wait years for physical affection, I'm on 7 months and it feels like it was yesterday that she BD me. I can't tell time, that's how I truly feel. So I don't know how much longer I can or cant go. I do know when I hit another month It gets rough. The 6 month mark was really rough for me so I don't like dates, calendars, none of it.
You're right, life is too short, so go now and live a little. Get away from the mess and have some fun. Here's to the weekend.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I wonder if it would help, Dilly, to take a bit of time away from talking about your marriage and H in your IC and talk about the changes and developments you want to make for yourself? I know you're concentrating on that a lot - and that you have lots of GAL and are examining your tendencies to distance. I am not sure, given that your H is where he is, that you can resolve those distancing habits in a relationship with him. That might be something to do in piecing, but until he can say, 'yes, I want to be married and I want to make changes so we can be happy in a marriage together' then you can't develop as his wife. Maybe you can just develop as Dilly, and work on not-distancing with a friend, and your children, and your family? Perhaps talking to your parents honestly and without blaming H about what is going on and seeing if you can enjoy some of their emotional support would be a good positive change for you. You can't control what they'd think of H and you can't be responsible for that, or the effect that has on how they relate to each other in the future. But you can work on your distancing tendencies in relationships where the other person wants to know more of you. If not your parents, then other people? Who would like to see more of your heart?
Yes I've been thinking about that Alison. I'm actually incredibly open with my good friends, and I have a bunch of them who I have told everything to. So I think it's that I have to be able to see people regularly before I can open up, and my parents live a long way away and we don't see each other much. Ditto my best friend, but I have other friends I'm extremely honest with. Hi Adam, thanks for dropping by. 7 months feels like forever but luckily time is speeding up!
I have been GAL with style today, had a really amazing morning and doing stacks of new stuff and meeting new people. Very inspiring.
I did meet dh for breakfast, we had a nice warm time and I walked him to the station. When we got there we gazed at each other and he asked me if I was ok and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the lips (not a snog but that might be the first kiss of any kind I've had in 7 months). I texted him later to say I needed to tell him about a dream I'd had about him last night, it was extraordinary. I might seem dippy with these dreams but they are so full of stuff I can't ignore them!
In this dream it started off with my parents and my neighbour and some stuff about keys. Then it turned to dh and he was avoiding my parents coming. He was packing to go to New York and putting everything in very neat zipped woolen bags in his suitcase. Then I turned round and saw he was wearing lipstick. I suddenly though he's a cross dresser or trans and that's what he's been hiding. Then I went after him and saw he had lots of makeup on almost like a mask. It was like an album cover, with writing on his cheek. I couldn't see it properly so I turned a lamp on his face to see him better. He said 'I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, that's why I prefer this. He said it really sadly. I rubbed his arms, which were bare, but they were skinny like my teen son's. He said 'that makes me feel a bit better'. I felt incredibly sad that he was in such a bad place and I couldn't touch him. And then I saw a cherry on his forehead was falling off so I went to fix it and I realised his mask was made out of ice cream and was melting. Then I woke up and cried. I feel upset even remembering it.
That's a really sad dream. That fear of what is under his mask and what it is he's hiding from you, and the loneliness of being kept at arm's length, and the fact that you worry he's cut off and lonely under his mask too, and an acknowledgement that it's probably all about him and his problems and not yours, and that as much as you want to fix him or take off his mask, you can't. It is sad. Really sad. And I am glad you had a nice breakfast and got your kiss this morning. Did you tell your H about your dream and if so, how did he respond?
I didn't tell him, I wanted to but I'd barely slept and had already cried on the train on the way in so thought I'd crumble if I told him this morning. I did text him and say I wanted to tell him about it though. Maybe on Tuesday when I see him next.
I have had the weirdest day, it's been exhausting but exhilarating and I've met so many interesting people from different places. I've had plenty of to and fro texting from dh (he even texted me after we parted this morning to say he hoped I had a good time, 180!) but I've been busy sucking up new information and new experiences and talking to new people and going new places, it's been a great day.
