I'm not going to push it till April. I've told him what I need, he can think about it and if he can meet that need he will, and if he's overwhelmed at work then he might not be able to. Also, I need to discuss it with my IC I think. I do feel that there's a lot of tiptoeing I need to do in the next week or so while he finishes up a really busy time at work. From past experience, he is too stressed to be approachable this time of year. I was reading some old messages from friends actually and it is startling how very seasonal his terrible behaviour has been..Though this year is the first Easter I haven't gone away with at least one kid and left him and triggered his abandonment issues. At least this time he will come too for some of it.
Just journalling to remind myself of how much progress dh has made (I've been too negative this week and that's been more me than him really). This morning he texted me to ask how I was going on my big deadline. This is all a 180 on how he used to behave (like my work was a massive inconvenience to him and his work was soooo much more important). So, yes, progress. It was nice to have a few lighthearted texts between us yesterday too. That would never have happened before all this either, I need to acknowledge how hard he's trying (I am also trying, I find it hard to remember stuff about his job and I'm trying hard to do that too if he has a talk to give or an important meeting).
IC today, hope it's useful. I always have sooo much to say because every week is packed with emotional incident. No wonder I'm permanently knackered!
It's exhausting, isn't it? I am not doing so well on my getting outside and getting exersise 180 but I am going to try today because my mind whirls and whirls and I am sure my thinking things over in the small hours is of no use to me or anyone else.
Ugh, well I came away from IC feeling more confused than I went in. We talked a bit about wanting to run away and not doing so. We talked about Monday and about the email I sent dh. 'Did he respond?' said my IC. 'What do you think?' I answered, and we both laughed. It's not really funny though is it?
Now I have something stuck in my head which I wish wasn't there. I told my IC how dh offered to meet me early but then shooed me away also an hour early. I said that I don't want my parents to know because they'll assume dh is having an affair. My IC said that he was suspicious about dh having an affair too, and why was dh in such a hurry to leave on Tuesday evening. I said I thought it was because he'd had such a tough day at work that he needed some alone time. I have spent such long time now trying to trust that dh isn't having an affair, and now the thought is stuck in my head again.
Our bank account is joint, and I can't find anything suspicious in there (I checked a lot in the early days). Dh has another card which is accessed via an app and there's nothing on there either, the only weird thing I can see is maybe some tickets to an event but that might be something he's arranged with friends and not told me about yet. He has an Amex card which I have paid in the past and which he usually sticks work stuff on I think, actually recently there's been something funny with that because he said it was in credit and he usually emails me the statement so I can pay but he hasn't done so this month. I texted him asking if I'd paid that. He has another phone which he said he bought because his old phone broke. I bought him a new phone a few months ago but he still has a regular bill come out on another credit card towards that phone, but it might be that he hasn't cancelled it (he's terrible at cancelling anything, so that would be typical rather than not). I was terribly suspicious when he bought the new phone, but he might not even have it, I don't know. All things considered it's not strong evidence, and the kids have been to his flat so it seems unlikely there would be any evidence there.
I don't know, I need to trust him on this I think. It was just upsetting, is all. And I feel like it's distracting from the real issues if it's just a suspicion.
Except I just went and checked our statements again and the Amex bill was paid a few days ago. Hmm. He travels a bit for work and puts plenty of meals on expenses, I'm not sure I would be able to spot anything suspicious anyway though. I could really do without this. It's taken me a lot of effort to trust him. The one thing I've always believed is that he's not a liar. If that's not true then I wouldn't know where I was.
He rang me after I texted him asking if the Amex bill had been paid and he said he'd been able to pay it via the app on his phone. Which is fair enough, and actually a lot easier than him accessing and then emailing me the statement each month I suppose. Except the phone line was really bad so I asked him where he was and he said at work. He texted and said how bad the line was and was I ok for breakfast tomorrow. I said his phone is usually fine there, he said the signal was poor today. I asked did he have his other phone still and maybe that gets a better signal. Then he rang me from his office phone and asked if I was ok, I was a bit short with him and he asked why and I said I have this big deadline today and rang off after saying I'll see him for breakfast.
I don't know, it's so hard not to be suspicious. But then again I can't trust him anyway because he's not being open with me about anything. I think I will raise this tomorrow.
I sent him a text about his other phone and it ended up with him ringing me and us having an R talk. Ugh. He's 'still not sure if he wants to be married or not'. I really, really, really hate R talks. I tried validating as much as I could. Actually I was good, I didn't get too upset, I was quite calm about it all. I was properly open and vulnerable and said it's really hard for me to be open with him but it might be easier if he was a bit more open with me too. And he said he didn't know if he could do that. Well derr. I said maybe he could start small with things like telling me he was exhausted and needed to go to bed early on Tuesday night instead of me having to guess it and not interpret it as rejection. And he said he didn't want things going back to how they were before and I said I didn't want that either. And I said that I didn't want him back right now anyway (true), but that if we both kept changing and improving then maybe there would be hope for the future. He sounded unconvinced.
I'm not sure I handled that as well as I could, I guess I've just been hoping things were further along than they were. I need to remember actions not words. Though if we're talking actions then really all he might be doing is his 'duty' in seeing me. But then he still seems desperate not to lose me. And he said how much he misses the kids and I said I felt sad that he's missing out on them but I knew his job took a lot out of him and the commute was killing him so at least his flat helps with that. I did NOT say 'YOU ARE CHOOSING YOUR JOB OVER YOUR FAMILY' so I'm proud of myself for that. It never helps! If anything it makes him cling to his job more stubbornly, and I can't make him give it up, even if it's killing him and his relationships. And then I said I got insecure after my IC said that, and that I've been working hard at trusting him, and I do trust him, but it's very hard to trust someone who isn't even a tiny bit open with you. And I said lots of times that I wasn't pushing him at all, and that I understood how difficult this all is for him, so that was validate-y.
Argh. What.A.Mess. There was a bunch of stuff I missed in there too, it might come back to me later.
So much for being patient. So much for getting on with my work! Right, I must do that now.
That sounds so incredibly difficult. And I know from experience how incredibly hard it is to trust someone who isn't open and honest with you and doesn't make the effort to communicate fully.
I know you don't want to push things right now. And I know you notice small changes. And I know that this could just as easily be said about my situation as it could be about yours.
But I do think that your H has really no incentive to consider what he wants and what he is willing to give and what he's willing to change. He wants to put himself first, have the kids and plenty of his admin taking care of by a wife who is too afraid to demand anything from him, and he wants to keep his options open.
He may not be able to decide. He may be really uncertain and troubled and exhausted. But he's also got a lot of the benefits of wife-work without really having to expend much energy in your direction. He may be being totally honest in that he doesn't know what he wants - but you know what you want and you know that it isn't on offer from him and hasn't been for a long time.
Perhaps it is time for you to think about going dark and dropping the rope. If he runs to you in fear - which I know you think might happen and I know you dread - you can review how you feel about that much later on.
It is also possible for the distancer-pursuer dynamic to totally flip in relationships - it is a position, not something intrinsic about who you are. And perhaps he knows that you're there, waiting, ready to work on things if and when he decides he feels like it or has the time or energy. Perhaps he would get around to tackling his abandoning issues and his inability to communicate and his prioritisation of work over family and children if he felt that he was about to lose you.
Yes, I think you're right. Now is not the right time, but soon, if things don't change, I will have to go dark. It's too exhausting being in this place and having so much hope for so long. I can't live like this indefinitely with pleasant interactions and no physical or emotional intimacy. And a constant feeling of rejection.
One interesting thing he said after I said I felt rejected on Tuesday night that he shoved me towards the station and went off, he said he looked back and I didn't. Now, that to me says a lot about his behaviour this whole time: shove me away and then look after me with fear that I'm abandoning him.
Sigh. Anyway, funnily enough I don't feel that upset, I'm just too tired and actually relieved that I said a bunch of stuff which I wanted to say and we cleared the air a little bit. I hate the whole uncertainty the ILYB and not being able to plan for the future and having felt more hopeful about our relationship than perhaps it warranted, but right now I'm too tired to care too deeply. Back to my work.
