Gosh that sounds hard - really hard. I feel a bit angry on your behalf reading it. Do you think he was cooler than usual because he was scared about your emotions? It sounds like he was prickly.
Are there other things you can do for yourself with regards to the hormones? I suppose you'll already have been to the doctor, etc. Not to dose yourself up with drugs so you're tolerable company for DH - I don't mean that - but just so your head and emotions are as level as they can be so you can make clear decisions for yourself.
Well, I just sent him an email asking for some honesty and to let me in. It was longer than that but that was the gist. It might have been completely the wrong thing to do, I'm not sure I care if it was TBH. It was calm and open and expressed as positively as I could make it, definitely no threats of abandonment just a desire to take care of him. We'll see what happens. I can't make him respond to it, I can't control him. Maybe it was too much, I don't know. I do know that things can't continue like this, I need at least some hope or if after 7 months he runs away from an email asking for honesty then maybe it will never work out and I'm better off cutting my losses.
The hormones: I saw the family planning nurse recently for a new prescription. I changed pills about 3 or 4 years ago because I was getting hormonal symptoms and that really helped. Then after BD my hormonal symptoms got a lot, lot worse, so I'm assuming it's partly me getting older and towards menopause and partly extreme stress and my body reacting to that. I told the nurse about my PMT and she recommended a few things. Last month was actually a bit better, this month has been the worst ever. So I'll give it a few more months before I see the doctor and see if things improve again. I do exercise a lot, eat well and try to take care of myself as much as possible so from a lifestyle perspective I do as much as I can. It really [censored].
Right, I need to get this work mountain out of the way for tomorrow's deadline.
Update: he read the email and then a few minutes later he texted 'see you on Friday'. Lol. Then we had a few back and forths about the weekend, he said he had to work a chunk of Sunday (would have been good for him to have told me that last night).
No mention of the email, but I wouldn't expect there to be. I'll let it sink in and have him reflect on it. I did say in the email how I'd noticed all the changes he'd made and that this was impressive given it's his busy and stressful time of year and when the winter has been so gloomy.
So, probably as good as I could expect right now. I can't force him to open up to me. I can't force him to do anything. But I feel better for telling him that I want to get to know him better, and that it's hard for me too to let down my defences. I won't push it any more, now I just need to be patient and wait for him to get over this work stuff. *sits on hands*
We are supposed to be meeting for breakfast Friday morning before he goes to work. However I have 2 events that day so I'll still be around in the evening before heading off to our holiday place. Should I suggest a drink in the evening instead of breakfast? I could suggest it as an option but tell him not to bother if he thinks he will be tired and stressed after work. He usually gets ds1 to come up to see him and they go for a quick dinner and then dh goes to bed early on Friday nights. But because I will be away ds1 is staying at home, so dh will be alone anyway.
Ugh, maybe I'm overthinking it. I suspect he will say no anyway. But if he''s tired and grumpy Friday evening he will be Friday morning too, plus he'll be clockwatching to get away to work. Not sure that will put me in a good place. Friday evening I will have a train to catch anyway so it will be short.
I've also been thinking and something I will be asking for in April is to see his flat. My parents are over visiting at the end of April and although they will mostly be travelling and not staying with us for more than a night or two, the subject of dh's flat will come up somehow. And if they ask me what it's like I just can't lie or evade that. I will have to frame it as 'if you don't let me see your flat then I will have to tell my parents about you moving out, and I don't want them to hate you'. And I will also have to think about how to handle them wanting to see it too or to ask to stay there. Hmm. Lots to think about. I REALLY thought all this would be sorted by April but here we are with it nearly here and we are still stuck in this awful limbo.
I texted him with the alternative and he said he didn't mind but would probably prefer breakfast. That's ok with me, I might even go for a drink with this writing group after our event if any of them want to. Let him imagine me with a whole bunch of clever writing type men, lol
It sounds like April is going to bring things to a head with you. You want him to be honest with you, you want to know how best to be honest with your parents. Those really aren't unreasonable things at all. I would be careful not to phrase the thing about your parents and his flat as a threat - it might land that way to someone very scared or fragile - but more as an invitation. 'I'd like to know what your preferences are on how we handle things with my parents. They're going to ask me about your flat. About why I haven't seen it. I've no idea what you tell them.' Something like that?
Good point about the threat, thank you. I'll have to think carefully about how I phrase it. And he thinks he IS being honest with me by saying he's still confused and might not want to be married. Well, he clearly is confused, that's true, but I disagree with him not wanting to be married. Well, I think judging by his behaviour rather than his words.
He's said a few times when I told him how much I hate lying to/evading my parents that I should tell them to 'get their support'. But I don't think he's considered the impact that will have on what they think of him, and he has a very fragile ego. My mum would completely lose it. And I don't want her support, I have my friends and my IC for that. You can see where the whole distancing thing comes from, lol. So I would prefer they didn't know until this thing resolves one way or the other. They might not even see him, I told them I might go and visit them when they're travelling round Wales and Scotland, and they will want to see the kids a few times but I probably could just pretend everything is ok or say that dh is having real problems coping with work and the commute (both true) and leave out that I don't stay over at his flat. I really would prefer not to have to actively lie to them though, and the kids will let drop about the flat at the least. And then there's a whole new can of worms...
I think I will discuss this with my IC and also leave it till a while into April. No massive rush, I might not even need to discuss it till May.
I can see the problem. if you were together, you'd collaborate on making many of your decisions, or at least you'd take what he wanted into account when you made your own decision. If you were apart, you'd make your decisions on your own in your own and the children's best interests. But you're in this limbo, and there's a decision to be made and he either won't or can't collaborate with you on making it, and you're not able to take what he wants into account because it isn't clear what that is.
If you don't need to get support from your parents, then it doesn't seem like there's any benefit to you to sharing this with them. And yes, it sounds like you don't need to decide right now. Though I sense your patience with his 'I don't know' is coming to a close.
It certainly is! I suppose it's just thinking ahead to the future always makes me impatient, which is funny because he's always been the future obsessed one and I've been the one who has winged things and done things last minute...
Ah well, I feel much better today, less like I got hit by a physical and emotional bus than the last 2 days. I've got lots of work done and a huge amount left to do tomorrow too so I will just focus on that. We've been texting about random kid stuff like how many pancakes ds2 just ate.
That all sounds positive. Have you decided whether or not you are going to bring up your email when you see him next? I guess you've got to balance between giving him space and time to digest, which was your intention in putting it in writing in the first place, and also not allowing him to evade or ignore it. If he's going to refuse to engage, he'd better do it to your face, right?
