Letting my guard down: I don't know really. Especially as R talks are kind of out of the equation! I need to discuss this with my IC.
My fears: being abandoned (though that has always happened). Fear of him actually deciding he wants to leave for good. Fear of being in a friendship sort of marriage without intimacy (either emotional or sexual).
Specific changes: spending more time together, going on holiday together, having sex. Those would be good for starters, and wouldn't even require him moving back in. Maybe at some stage I need to say 'I would really like it if we could meet up more often and have you stay over once a week, but I still want to respect your need for space. How can we compromise on seeing each other more but still let you cope with work?'
And yes the retirement thing is very strange. He doesn't discuss the future at all except for a cycling weekend he's doing in May with colleagues and my long weekend I'm doing with friends in October, yet he talks about not being at work in a few years time. Maybe he figures that if we get divorced then he'll have to work at least another extra 5 years but he would be so lonely that he'd need to work anyway. I don't know, it's very odd. You might be right he's not afraid of losing me, but I don't want to trigger his fear of abandonment right now because it could result in him making a hasty decision to push me away forever. But he's also quite a decisive person who hates not planning for the future, so this limbo must be really hard for him!
I share your fears. Fear of being stuck in a relationship that is cold and empty, and fear of being left. It's a hard place to be. Perhaps our H's are in similar places.
Have you ever tried writing him a letter? Perhaps the R conversation won't go so well, but maybe if you are able to lay out what you want that would help you to be vulnerable and give him the space and privacy to process it so he won't over-react in the moment.
Do you have small steps on the way to those specific changes? So sex - that feels like a big hurdle. But perhaps if you saw him initiating physical contact, or wanting to sleep over, or reintroducing kissing - that might be stages on the way?
Does he worry about money? Did he grow up poor? He seems so motivated in work that he doesn't really seem to enjoy - and I find that very strange. Does he understand why he's so compelled by his work?
Yes, I think you're right, our husbands also don't want to be in a cold relationship or to be alone. Nobody really does! I feel like this separation was dh's last ditch effort to get my attention, to tell me how miserable he was before (but without telling me) and to have a better marriage.
I wrote him lots of letters at the start, but they were all too over emotional. When I've asked for things it has tended to be via text. Maybe because it's hard to do that stuff in person. I feel like sometimes we're warmer to each other via text, I'm not sure that's healthy really. But yes, maybe a letter might work now I'm calmer.
You're right, sex is a big hurdle, and maybe you're right about the small steps. I feel like he feels if we have sex it'll be because it's all back on, and he's not willing to go there yet. A snog would be great but I feel like he has to initiate that or at least give the physical signals that he'd welcome it. Hmm. There isn't much I can do about that, I can't force him to snog me unfortunately!
He grew up not poor, but in a family where his dad lost a decent job when dh was young. Then his mum was the main breadwinner but she spent all the money on the garden and on herself (she bought expensive clothes while the kids had handmedowns, and she had a Porsche with no proper back seats despite having a family of 5!) So he's always been cautious with money. The work: it feeds his ego for sure. He enjoys working with clever people. He likes to feel like a good boss doing his best for his people. I also don't feel like it aligns with his values really though, he's mostly making other people and himself money. But he doesn't know what else he could do with his life, there might even be too many possible options in a way. He's also used to working relentlessly for decades and I think he might be terrified of being bored and without purpose if he retires.
What do you think would happen if you did drop the rope? Not start to divorce him, but just act as if you were spilt up and this was gone, and let him come to you. How do you imagine he'd react? Is your fear of his reaction something that factors into your decision about how long you're willing to wait for?
I think he would panic. And then react either of 2 ways: start to pursue me out of fear, or run away to protect himself. I'm not sure either of those would be healthy for either of us. And yes that does affect how long I'm willing to wait. I think at the moment we are both trying to build a safe space and make changes in ourselves. I can't pursue too much or he withdraws, but given I've distanced for most of our relationship I do need to be much warmer towards him and am trying to do that without scaring him off. Dropping the rope would feel like a 180 in a bad way for him perhaps, like 'see? I knew she was always going to abandon me!' even though the main reason would be because he abandoned ME...
I don't know. Our next date (another run and pub dinner) is tomorrow night so I'll see how that goes. I know he's very tired and stressed with work until the end of the month though so I will keep my expectations low. When he's been busy at work has been when I've pursued him the most in the past and that has never gone well because he can't meet my needs when he's in this stage and adding fuel to the fire of his anxiety has really messed things up before. So I'll remind myself to be patient a few more weeks and also remind myself of the positive steps he's made towards me. They'll have to do for now. He's probably doing the best he can for now.
I think in some ways getting part of what you want puts you in a trickier position than getting none of what you want. If he'd just ghosted you, you'd have divorced him by now, presumably. But because there's this tiny trickle of warmth and the half-indication of something more, or at least, something more hasn't been explicitly taken off the table, then you are still hanging in there. I feel I'm in precisely the same situation, as H is saying very clearly he wants to work on the marriage, just not now. I think there's such a risk we end up accepting crumbs and being resentful and miserable about it. But yes - these things take a lot of time, and a few more weeks won't make a difference, and it is important for both of you to feel safe. I guess as long as we both feel there's some progress being made, in some way, then it is worth it.
Well at least your husband IS saying he wants to work on the marriage. Mine has never said that.
I have been overwhelmed with an hormonal wave this morning. I keep dashing to the bathroom to have a sob (at least I'm at home). I'm in physical and emotional pain and all I want is a hug. I feel so much like ringing dh and telling him I'm done, finished with this. He can't provide me with the tiniest comfort.
Must stay strong. Someone talk me off this ledge please.
Oh Dilly. I know just where you are and it stinks. It really stinks. It's horrible.
When it is the right time for you to be done with this, you will know. And you're not trapped - you can move on whenever you are ready to, and wait until you're at that point, doing what you're already doing for yourself.
Do you have your list of things to do when in extremis? Your 4-8-5 breathing?
If sugar helps, have some jam on toast. You're allowed to have whatever comfort you can.
thank you, I ended up crying down the phone at dh after I had an anxiety attack (I don't suffer from anxiety and that was scary). I guess that's one way of showing vulnerability lol. I went to an aerobics class and sniffled through that, I"m supposed to be going for a run with a friend but I'm not sure, she's a good friend so I probably will go. I feel dreadful. But this will pass. It's quite hard to focus on work feeling like this... I will try a meditation podcast, exercise doesn't seem to have helped much.
The anxiety and panic is so so so difficult. And you want support and care, but there's also the fear that exposing that level of need to someone who is struggling themselves will push them away. I get it.
It will pass. And you will be okay, whatever happens.
