I feel terribly hormonal today, it just hit me mid-morning physically and at lunchtime emotionally. Unbearable. Perimenopause is the worst thing ever! Hanging on and waiting for the hormonal wave to pass, I'm not blaming any of this on anything R related.
One observation I have today is that dh is getting involved much more in the minutiae (sp?) of the kids' lives. Interesting. I make sure I keep him up to date on even little things, he seems interested instead of dismissive as he used to be. Feels like he's trying to be a better dad as well as husband, pity ds2 isn't that keen on him right now! Then again, he's 14 so not that interested in any of his family mostly
That is really positive. I'm dealing with all of that sort of stuff on my own - and I didn't before - for all his flaws and faults H was pretty good at keeping on top of the domestic admin and the bits and pieces of the kids' lives. When he left the house, I just became the default for all of that, despite the fact I've got a pretty full on job myself and am dealing with the emotional needs of the child he's opted not to bother with. I do feel resentment about that. I am really glad it isn't that way for you and that you're getting that kind of support. And I am glad mine is not the only 14 y/o who is a bit self absorbed... very reassuring.
I hope your hormones feel better soon. Is there anything you've done before that you know helps in times like this? Running? Sleep?
I've always done every tiny bit of child-related admin, every single doctor/dentist/orthodontist/sports fixture/parent-teacher/school assembly/school shoe fitting/PE kit finding/form filling/insert random endless child stuff here. So this is new, even him coming to ds2's performance last month, and promising to come to his dance thing next month, very new. And we were just texting about what documents ds1 might need for his interview tomorrow, which dh is taking him to. Typical, 17 years of admin and he finally steps in just when it's nearly over It is hugely time-consuming, I'm kind of used to it now but it's hard to juggle when you're busy and yet another form needs printing out and filling in and nagging to get to the school office before the deadline!
Exercise helps a bit but really I just have to wait for it to pass. I told dh this morning how rotten I was feeling physically and he was sympathetic. I might warn him that I might be emotional tomorrow as a result and to just give me a hug and reassurance.
That sounds like a good idea, and perhaps builds on the work you were doing with your IC about asking for what you need in ways that aren't likely to scare H.
Yes, and so far he's been responsive when I've asked for what I need. I wish there was some way of broaching what I can do for him when he needs something, rather than fumbling round in the dark. In a way having physical touch as a LL is easy, a quick hug and I'm sorted for ages. Acts of service are more onerous particularly when you don't know if they'll be seen as interfering... Anyway, I'm looking forward to spending proper time with him today if he's staying till early evening. I feel less hormonal today luckily because yesterday was horrible.
update: we didn't get to go for our normal Saturday morning walk because ds1's job interview went on for ages and dh took him there. We went to the pub for lunch with the kids and played cards and that was a lot of fun. Then we went for a walk by ourselves round one of our usual places, that was fine though dh seemed tired and grumpy and a bit snappy. It was all just like before he left, very strange really. Sometimes I think what is the point of all this pain and upheaval just for him to see us all slightly less and not share a house at night. It's like it was being married before only with more distance and no sex. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with dh but I have plenty of friends and if he wasn't about I would just get more and get out and GAL a lot more. At the moment he just gets in the way of that.
I feel a bit despondent. I don't want a semi-detached marriage. I want an intimate, close marriage, and it feels like that is such a long way away when dh won't discuss anything vaguely personal, won't discuss summer holiday plans or future plans. He's still keeping me at arm's length and I've had enough of it. I think I'm giving him till May and if things don't move more in the right direction by then I will start pushing it, because if things aren't better by then maybe he's not capable of committing to me and I'd be better off without him.
Anyway, I'm off to do more work, my deadline next week is looming and I'm off for the morning running with friends tomorrow.
I'm not surprised you feel despondent. I know you've noticed that there are positive changes that your H has been making, but they've been slow, and he's still uncommunicative and it seems, wanting to have everything his own way. Hi refusing to let you into his flat - even after six months - suggests he's still in full on protective mode and isn't wiling to take the risk to get even the tiniest bit closer. I suppose you could press him for more time together and to get into MC or something, but if he only did it out of fear of losing you or as a response to pressure, then those aren't heartfelt changes that are likely to stick.
I know you said earlier that sometimes you felt that H's work wasn't compatible with marriage. Or at least, the type of marriage that you want. Is his work and the way he goes about it likely to change at any point?
Is it fear that holds you back from putting all this on the table with him? When you decided you wanted him to hug you properly and you were prepared to go NC if he wasn't able to meet that need, did you tell him that, or wasn't it necessary?
You mentioned his fear of losing you, or of being abandoned. I wonder if - either soon, or in May, the time is coming for you to step back. Not to abandon him, but to let him experience the reality of a life where he chooses to put all his energy into work and none into his emotional connections with his wife and - it seems - his children. I guess it would be frightening to try that out, but if you did, he'd have to know what his life would look and feel like if he carries on the way he is doing, and that might help both of you get to the point where you're able to make clearer decisions?
I understand your frustrations. I'm in a similar place to you though there's plenty more work I want to do for myself and on myself before I am ready to make a decision about moving on. I know I want to be married and have a partner who I can support and who wants to support and be close to me. At the moment that isn't possible because of who I am and who he is. When I feel it is possible for me, I will look again. If it's still not possible with him, then i think I will have to move on - as much as it will hurt - because I've already spent a long time being lonely in my marriage and I don't plan to sign up for years of the same while being married only on paper.
Yes, there have been positive changes, definitely. But although those have caused more warmth between us he still feels very protected. I don't know whether maybe I need to let my guard down first a bit maybe so he can reciprocate. I am scared probably, yes. And I agree that pressuring might not help. Though the changes I've asked for he has stepped up and given me (I didn't need to threaten to go NC to get the hugs, and he does give me proper hugs most times we say goodbye now).
I think in April once his very busy time is over and we've had some time away on holiday for a few days I might ask if we could meet up more often, or have him stay overnight more. I don't think there's much point before then because he's very stressed and tired and maybe time alone is the only way he can cope with work. His job: he keeps talking about only being there a couple more years by which time he has enough money to retire (assuming he stays married!) I would probably be ok with him living in his flat for a couple of years if I could visit him regularly and he could come home at weekends, if I knew it was relatively short term. I can't ask him to give up his job, he has to come to terms with doing something else by himself, I can see that's hard for him.
I think I'll wait for him to be less stressed in April, then broach the subject of spending more time together, and if he refuses or seems reluctant then in May I will go NC to show him what actually being divorced is like. I don't think he'd like it...
I think both of us are longing for some intimacy but we don't know how to get there right now or how get there from here. I don't want to be just friends. Something to talk to my IC about...
I had a fun morning out with my friends today, lots of laughter and chat. Dh went cycling with a colleague and rang me on his drive back to ask how my race went, which was nice.
If you were going to let your guard down, what would that look like in this context? And what are your fears, specifically?
I wonder if just thinking that through and considering your options might help you here?
And thinking about a list of specific changes you want to see in the short term - by July, let's say? Not as an ultimatum 'if we don't start up a sexual relationship again I am divorcing you' but just ways you can see that things are moving in the right direction.
It's strange he is thinking about his financial plans for retirement as if he's not going to get divorced. He doesn't seem to have much fear of losing you. Maybe he needs to start feeling that fear.
