Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[LH19]

P,

I would consider having one more conversation with her stating you both made mistakes but you will not live in an open marriage. You can either work on the marriage together or she should move out. Make it clear that it is a full blown separation and that you will be taking the time to decide what you want in the future.

[joejoe1]

Everything you do is for you and not to enact a reaction from your WW. You have to take the focus off of her.

Ok......You are now building your own house. And you are building it to protect you. Your W can't get in unless you let her in. She will see your strong house and wonder what's going on, so she will knock on the door to try and get you too come out. If that does not work, she will ask to come inside. She will try to get you to come out of this new house, using all kind of tempting tactics. All those attempts are called temp checking. If you come out of that house, your whole house will crumble and you will have to start building from the ground again. Where she's at in life, she doesn't care about your house, she only care about herself. Her getting in your new house of getting you to come out is all about knowing what's going on and keeping you in the place that makes her feel the most comfortable. When you stop looking out your window to see if she's interested, the faster you will heal.

This is your journey alone, you cant take your WW on it. We all know you will try, because we have done and been in that same position and frame of mind as you. But, the only thing that has ever worked was letting go and moving forward for all of us.

Letting go does not mean giving up. Letting go, is dropping the expectations of winning your WW back, and trying to control the outcome. Once you realize, the only thing you can control is yourself and you start acting in a manner that shows you can only control yourself, the faster your healing will take place.

[ovrrnbw]

Logically I agree. However last time it just gave her a reason to turn it around and continue to avoid any accountability. I understand I have a right/reason but I do want it to be useful to my overall cause.

What does her taking accountability look like to you?

You're point is that tough love is going to push her away? B/c the last time you did it she felt justified in having another affair b/c you were being mean?

If that's what you're getting at, you're never going to win that. The best thing you can do is totally change your attitude. I really like joejoe's post. Put yourself first, don' tolerate BS, and don't get sucked into fights. Go GAL and do your best to enjoy things and be genuinely happy. Continue working on your 180s.

[P_Jam]

Steve, really interested to get your take on my sitch. I've read a lot of your posts on other threads and welcome your insight!

[P_Jam]

Some Journaling:

Had a decent weekend, I think I was able to find the balance between being rude/ignoring and being around/present with my wife without any pursuing. It felt like detaching with love. I hope this is a correct evaluation. Both kids were very sick with flu and it was all about working together to get through the days and nights with the kids. As usual, we did VERY well. We know how to co-parent! I'm still amazed at how much my wife is attached to the kids. I think it is good but it makes me curious if maybe she is not as far down the affair fog rabbit hole as others.

It was the first weekend of flag football for the boys but because they were sick they could not play. I went to pick up their Jersey's and meet their coaches. As it was the first game there was a lot of chaos and I ended up sticking around to help both coaches coach the kids throughout the games. I'm usually never the first one to volunteer to be head coach, but I love jumping in and adding value as the assistant. Which is what I did again this time. Frankly, I think the other parents felt I was better than the head coach. It was a weird moment for me. My wife was not there as she was with the sick kids, but this is where she really shines on the sidelines with the other Moms. And I know she would really love and appreciate the effort I put in at these games. I was sentimental/sad/happy all at the same time. More happy and sentimental than sad because I just felt there was NO WAY she would really want to give all of this up?? My wife is not rude to me and I know she wants to see if our relationship will work out. She just doesn't realize that we cannot work on this relationship while she is have EA/PA. For her, I believe she thinks she is 'comparing' to see what will make her happy. Yes, I know she is trying set up a back-up plan for me the H to be option B - but none of the other affairs are really that serious. So I don't think she is doing this on purpose - more subconsciously. Which makes it tough, because I want to continue to show her 180 and all that she is missing.

Am I in denial or could my wife be 'not as bad as others'? Because of my 'snooping' I'm well aware that she has a very hard time not "getting in trouble" when she goes out. I can recognize the compulsion - although she thinks its because of me or bad relationship instead of realizing the drug/addiction. But I do know she is struggling with it a little bit. She is not as "gung ho" as some of the other sitches I have read about. It would seem reasonable that if she were to get int some IC she might just start to realize what is going and as well as get some tools advice to actually focus and deal with what is going on in her head, as apposed to just living through it.

This weekend I did take an indirect approach to let her know that I'm aware of the last PA with the random hookup. Through text she was informed that I was told about the situation. So at least now, she will have some idea in her head as to why I might be passive aggressive. I'm hoping it adds some guilt as well too, but more importantly it at least creates something for her to think about in regards to our daily interactions. She can no longer believe that this event is her little secret. I'm hoping this knowledge and my GAL will help her feel like she is the one getting dumped now (adding that 'loss') that hopefully will begin to break the fog.

My goal/plan is to continue to do a little snooping for the next couple of days to see if I can gain any insight into how this might affect her mindset. by the end of this week I plan to stop ALL snoopoing and began to focus my detachment on me and not her response. This will take time and work. Right now the snooping is an addiction that I need to cut.. She moves out in 3 weeks, I want to have the snooping addiction cleared before she actually leaves. Kinda like a runway to her moving out. I know this is necessary, i'm just not there yet. I also believe I'm doing all the 'right' things, just with the wrong motives as I'm still to focused on her.

Feeling caught in the middle, as it still seems like there is a lot of potential for our relationship (aside for the PA/EA). She is not telling me it's over. She really never has. Am I doing this correctly based on this???

[LH19]

Am I in denial or could my wife be 'not as bad as others'?

I am sorry but you are in denial. Your W is a serial cheater which is the lowest of the low as far as WWs.

But I do know she is struggling with it a little bit. She is not as "gung ho" as some of the other sitches I have read about.

Gung ho on what? Ding you? Right now she is cake eating big time which is what WWs love. The thrill of the A and then to come home to the stability of the family.

It would seem reasonable that if she were to get int some IC she might just start to realize what is going and as well as get some tools advice to actually focus and deal with what is going on in her head, as apposed to just living through it.

99% of them could right themselves if they were willing to do the work.

[P_Jam]

Am I in denial or could my wife be 'not as bad as others'?

I am sorry but you are in denial. Your W is a serial cheater which is the lowest of the low as far as WWs.

It would seem reasonable that if she were to get int some IC she might just start to realize what is going and as well as get some tools advice to actually focus and deal with what is going on in her head, as apposed to just living through it.

99% of them could right themselves if they were willing to do the work.


The worst of the worst 2x4! Ouch.. Thank you. Any further advice on what/how I should be doing then? I have an opportunity to ask/push for IC but I have stayed away from all of these conversations. Is it worth even mentioning right now?

[LH19]

PJ,

You can't push for IC. If she goes into IC saying she needs a divorce to be happy her IC will just validate her feelings that she should pursue a divorce.

I say this all the times to newbies, you can't make things better right now but you can certainly make them worse. If you stop applying pressure you can slow the process down.

[ovrrnbw]

Here is your problem:

"none of the other affairs are really that serious"
"She's a great co-parent!"
"She just doesn't realize that we cannot work on this relationship while she is have EA/PA"
"It would seem reasonable that if she were to get int some IC she might just start to realize"

Those are all things you said. Your perspective is out of whack. You love her, that's obvious, or else you wouldn't possibly be able to say things like I quote above.

In time, with work, you will get better. I promise you, but I think you need to get into IC just to have a IRL person looking at you when you say these things.

[P_Jam]

Okay new perspectives:
I’ve spent tonight reading No more Mr. Nice Guy! Now I’m debating just dropping my own bomb. Telling her how much she has hurt and betrayed me with this last incident. Tell her that I deserve much better and that I don’t really care that she feels violated because I snooped. I hope she gets the help that she needs for her and for our children. I know she will not find fullfillment in these relationships but apparently this is something she needs to find out on her own. I may be here when she is ready, or I may not. I’m going to take my time and space to work on me as well as working on moving on. I deserve better,