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A Message from Michele
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Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2840886
03/08/19 03:36 AM
03/08/19 03:36 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,321
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uRworthy Offline
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uRworthy  Offline
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Posts: 3,321
Hey G. Been following along. You are doing great.

I wanted to say one thing. I worry that you are so afraid of doing or saying something wrong that you feel like you have to stuff some things down.

He said something that ticked you off. It happens. It is ok to say, "I know you and and I are in different
situations regarding our kids and so sometimes that makes it hard to understand the other person's point of view at times. I feel like you were judging me regarding my daughter and my feelings regarding having to deal with her being sick at school. Here's what I was thinking and feeling."

It is ok to disagree with him, to feel differently about something and to get a little upset by something he says when it stings some.

Dont lose you, G. We both know how that winds up. If you have to walk on eggshells at any time...not good. Just ask my R. No eggshell walking here....poor guy.

Love and miss you a lot.

Re: change is good [Re: uRworthy] #2840931
03/08/19 02:38 PM
03/08/19 02:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,107
Southern Maryland
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Ginger,

I always love the sage advice that uRworthy provides to you. She is absolutely right! If you don't agree w/something he says or does, then you need to let him know...otherwise, he will not know what you are thinking. Harboring/stuffing those feelings is not healthy and at some point, those feelings will bubble up and you will need to let them out in frustration. It's best to tell him at the time the issue arises. He will respect you for your viewpoints.

Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841411
03/12/19 12:14 PM
03/12/19 12:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,519
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,519
My lovely dog chewed through my computer charger (and my vacuum charger) and I have only been able to post on my phone which I hate doing. I am D11's Mac book. I am off today, yay, I worked all weekend. I was covering the ER at work, so I can see every patient in the ER. FF's sister was there. I was glad she wasn't admitted as obs and they had her in a different section I don't have to go in. That would have been awkward. She got to go home, which is good for her.

Saturday night M and I went out and had some fun. I only got to see him then because of work. But we really did have good time. He has been saying "I love you" much more and he seems much more comfortable saying it. He says it when he says goodbye and when he says goodnight. And we were joking around about something when we were out the other night and he said " I love you, but no way!!!" I was reading other threads about conversation and connection and the such. Sometimes M and I just have pretty surface convos. Probably more so lately. Work, kids, funny stuff that happened, ect. It's rarely deep deep. We are comfortable with each other. I always thought it had to be so deep, but it doesn't'. More important is the respect we have for each other, how we interact, our morals, values, enjoying our time together, ect. We often make jokes about having kids together. I made my first one the other night. I have green eyes, he has blu gray eyes. I told him if we had babies they would have beautiful eyes. he said "come on, let's go make a baby" I think we both really wish we met each other younger where that would be a possibility where it wouldn't have to be rushed. But we are both very happy to have found each other even if later in life.

We have our trip coming up this weekend. Looking forward to it. However, I have had this horrible awful pain in my hip. It was hurting and then we got a little acrobatic and (sorry, TMI) and I am in so much pain. I can barely bend, I can't pick anything up. I have a slew of prescription anti inflamatories, none of which worked. I had a 2 hour massage friday night and i ended up in more pain because i was in the same position for too long. I am going to try to get a doctors appointment today. I am falling apart!! I used to be in such good shape. Always had some aches and pains I worked through, but now I feel like I am falling apart. I need some relief before this weekend because i want to enjoy the waterpark and snow tubing.

Ex leaves for italy this week. His father got in a car accident as a passenger and his ankle looked like it was practically ripped off. (ex sent me pictures) some broken ribs too. For as long a i can remember, him and his friend does a friday night dinner at a BYOB. They both drink ALOT. his friend is a lawyer (who came to our wedding and represented the ex in our divorce) he made a left and didn't see the car coming. he was drunk from what ex says.

It'll be me and D11 for the next 2 weeks. I am going to invite M over for dinner with us one night. I have 2 events, one where I can leave D11 alone and one where she will go to my friends house and stay with her kids because we will all be at the same place.

And that's that

Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841416
03/12/19 12:39 PM
03/12/19 12:39 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,591
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,591
Dam G.....as you get older you may need to stick to the more basic positions...:)


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 45, W: 44. D: 9. D: 7 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841476
03/12/19 05:57 PM
03/12/19 05:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,510
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kml Offline
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K
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Posts: 14,510
Is it hip pain or possibly sciatica?

Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841854
03/15/19 12:28 AM
03/15/19 12:28 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,519
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,519
I havenít been able to post on a computer, so Iíll settle for my phone.

UR- hi!!! And yes, you know me better than most. I still live with a lot of self doubt. Thanks to my ex. Itís not that Iím afraid to disagree. Iím actaully doubting my feelings are valid and Iím being unreasonable. Because anything I felt was always invalidated and I was made to feel awful. I need to get over this. Because I know M wouldnít think that way or make me feel that way. Itís amazing what kind of scars are left behind. I think if I express something like that I am ďwrongĒ and ďcomplainingĒ . I am scared to have any negative feelings. Iím gonna work on treating myself and allowing myself to feel as I do and being able to express it.

Iíve had to deal with something very very difficult with D11 these past 2 days. She has this group chat with her friends. One of her friends had texted ď you know I suffer from anxiety and depression. People with depression can commit auidice . I need you guys to show me love and appreciationĒ Then she is texting my daughter on the slide saying mean things about her and telling her that my daughter doesnít appreciate her. She was at her BFfís house having fun while I was at hot yoga last night but I picked up a hysterically crying kid. She felt like she needed to fix this. She was hurt. And she thought it was BS and her friend is attention seeking. I told her to shut off her phone immediately. We talked about it a lot. I told her that it was not her burden to be responsible for her friendís depression. I told her there was nothing to fix and explained how serious it was to mention suicide.

It was on my mind today and I worked with a woman who has 2 middle schoolers. She said I should call the school. I planned on calling the mom but she said itís bettwr to go to the school. I got the opinion of the other friend and she said the same . So I called the guidance counselor. It was a scary situation in that a depressed 11 year old is talking about suicide and if she didnít mean it, she was using it to manipulate her friends for attention ( I honestly think that was it) but I HaD to say something. D11 knows I did, and the girl knows it was me too ( I made it anonymous, but she was considering other friends and I didnít want anyone else incriminated)

I donít know how badly I harmed my daughters social life. But I couldnít bear the thought of what would happen if this was serious and I didnít say anything. And if she is saying g this stuff to manipulate her friends, she needs to know what how wrong that is.

Parenting is HARD. I am so drained. Iím waiting to see if the mom contacts me. Who is so sweet. But I think I did this the right way and the guidance counselor felt I did too.

Bigger kids, bigger problems. This was not easy.

Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841868
03/15/19 02:13 AM
03/15/19 02:13 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline
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Posts: 2,708
The question is was that the way Juju's XBF would have handled it...

Good job G! You're a hero! smile


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841907
03/15/19 09:51 AM
03/15/19 09:51 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,422
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,422
Canada
Ginger- It seems to me that you handled a potentially dangerous situation as well as any parent could have. Not having ever been a girl I can't say although I know that my own D faced similar but different peer pressure issues at a similar age that really bothered her.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: change is good [Re: Ginger1] #2841928
03/15/19 12:44 PM
03/15/19 12:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,899
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Dawn70 Offline
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I think you handled the situation as best you could. You are right....it is tough, but you did what you had to do to protect your child as well as her friend. I had a similar experience with my youngest daughter when she was 15 regarding her best friend at the time and ultimately, I had to call the girl's mother over something that was going on that I just couldn't sit by and let happen. Of course, the mother was less than nice to me about it and the girl stopped talking to my daughter, but then and now my daughter still tells me it was the right thing to do and she appreciates me saving her friend, even if their friendship was hurt over it. Now, as adults, they have mended that friendship and are as tight as they ever were.

Hang in there, girl. Those teen years will be bumpy, but you and D11 have a lovely relationship and it is clear that you both respect each other. You have raised her to be a good, caring, loving person and you continue to set that example for her. She'll be fine, but I'd be lying if I said that there won't be times when you want to pull every hair out of your head and hers. LOL


Me 49, XH 50
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: change is good [Re: Dawn70] #2841937
03/15/19 01:03 PM
03/15/19 01:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,107
Southern Maryland
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You made the right call. It is not your daughter's responsibility to make this girl happy and feel good about herself. If she is truly depressed and talking about suicide, is a warning sign that she needs professional help. Her parents may have just "fluffed" it off and not paid any attention to what their daughter was saying, but, by calling the guidance counselor, the situation was escalated so that everyone becomes aware that there may be a situation brewing.

I feel so bad for your daughter. She didn't need to hear that BS. I'm glad you had a talk w/her about the situation and hopefully she's feeling a bit better today. As for her social life w/the group of friends...it's okay, they will come around and come to realize that this young lady may have been saying the same things to them as well. It's too much of a burden for these kids to handle and they will come to realize that you did the right thing.

As Scarlet O'Hara said, "tomorrow is another day" and w/that comes a new adventure and fires to be put out.

Hang in there!

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