Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY part 2

[mikeyb]

Original thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2834746&page=1

Quick Recap:

M: 31 W: 29
Married 2yrs together 12

W: Works overnights
M Worked Overnights until 10/18, then to days

Lived with room mates 2 1/2 years, moved to our own place 11/17. W best friend moved in with us with 2 kids
Watched W best friends kids every weekend until 1/19
Went into depression being unhappy with my living situation, not getting quality time with my W due to opposite schedules and weekends consumed with the best friends kids, and my own insecurities
Spent money I shouldn't have during this time, ended up behind on bills, truck repossessed 10/18 redeemed 2 days later.
Started to make changes to get out of how I felt in 9/18 by going to days for more time with the W, dentist over my insecurities.
MIL took over finances to help us out.

11/23/18 BD ILYBINILWY/Divorce
Agreed to work on things by separating in house. Lasted 2 days then W was back in MBR with me.
late 12/18 find out she had no intent to work on things, she apologized for leading me on and said it was wrong. Same behavior continued for about 3 weeks.

After about 3 weeks W started sleeping in guest room again, then a few days later took the rings off.

Not a whole lot between then and February.
early 3/19 W and I discussed taking over bills and came up with a plan together.
3/10/19 W approaches me with papers to file for Simplified dissolution of marriage.
3/11/19 W wants to abandon our plan to take back control of finances and keep the MIL involved but with W managing it. I oppose this. I told her I would not contribute to filing for D, she says she is going to move out and I said do what you feel you need to. She gave no timeline on when she will but she knows financially I can't afford where we are at on my own.

And here I am now. Continuing everything I have done the last 4 months for myself.

[mikeyb]

Today she came to me about the filing paperwork again asking if I was going to fill them out. I said no, if this is what you want then you need to fill them out. She said I can't fill out your stuff, I said yes you can and anything you need I will give you to do it. She continued to fight me on it. But I stood firm, and said you fill it out with what you propose and I will review it and tell you anything I don't agree with.

She finally said, fine I will do it then and that was that. It was very hard for me to do it but I did. She also said she plans to move out in 2 months and will give the landlord notice at the beginning of may (our lease is month to month) I also told her I will be taking back my paycheck. She fought me on it and said I was going to screw her over. I said how else do you expect me to save money if I don't see any of my paycheck, besides $150 to get me back and forth to work.

So ya, there's where I'm at now. Still working to do what I need to and GAL, if she comes with the papers filled out I will do exactly as I said and go from there.

[ovrrnbw]

When my W asks the same question, I've stopped repeating the answer and gone to: "W, we discussed this already. You remember, right?"

There's nothing wrong with you separating your finances either. Now just get out and get busy. How many hours are you working right now?

[mikeyb]

When my W asks the same question, I've stopped repeating the answer and gone to: "W, we discussed this already. You remember, right?"

There's nothing wrong with you separating your finances either. Now just get out and get busy. How many hours are you working right now?

I'm working 40 hours a week. Finances are now separated I took back control of my money. I spoke with the MIL about this and why. She had no idea the W had papers already or planned to move so she agreed with my decision to take back my money and said it is the right move to make. She knows I will be in a tight spot to come up with the money I need in such a short time.

[Tryhard]

Can you put I any extra hours for more cash ? Showing you have your finances wired tight and improving things is going to be a big attractive element I think. Do you agree ?

[mikeyb]

Can you put I any extra hours for more cash ? Showing you have your finances wired tight and improving things is going to be a big attractive element I think. Do you agree ?

I wish I could put more hrs in. But they are not offering any overtime right now. When they were I did take it. I was also ubering/Lyft driving in the weekends but now the W is throwing a fit that I always have her car and she won't allow me to use it on the weekends so that gig is gone.

I do have an app that I wrote that brings in some extra income every month, but that income varies greatly from $50-$300

On to the latest: The W and her best friend went out last night to do a bar crawl (even though we don't have the money to do so, she said her friend paid for it all, she also doesn't have the money to do so she should be focused on getting her and her 2 kids a better place to stay with heat/hot water. But whatever, irritates me because we spent money to pay her gas in the house, diapers for her kid etc. and that helped contribute to this sitch I'm in) and now tonight they are gonna be here watching movies. So I'm going to go out to see captain marvel. I got a movie theater that is 2 mins up the road but I'm gonna get a Uber up there so I can have a few drinks and just relax and enjoy the movie. I'll be by myself but I'll enjoy it.

[Tryhard]

Cool mike , sounds like you are doing well . Writing an app sounds ultra geeky cool. I am going to guess you ain’t the gym type . Why not do something out of your comfort zone ? I hope you are still getting on with the kids , maybe take them out one time ?

[mikeyb]

Cool mike , sounds like you are doing well . Writing an app sounds ultra geeky cool. I am going to guess you ain’t the gym type . Why not do something out of your comfort zone ? I hope you are still getting on with the kids , maybe take them out one time ?

When I say kids I am referring to her friends kids. Together we have no children, we were trying for a year up untill BD. As for the gym, I was going for about a month but had to cut it out of my finances at the time. I plan to pick it back up in the future.

And for the app, ya I just had an idea about 2 1/2 years ago and just went with it. Sitting at about 500K downloads and was even featured on the windows store. It's been a hobbie of mine to write code so to have some income from it is even better.

[Tryhard]

Yes I did mean the friends kids. I am in awe of you writing a successful app. I want to ask more but don’t as it would identify you . Sounds like you are moving the right way . Keep it up dood

[mikeyb]

Yes I did mean the friends kids. I am in awe of you writing a successful app. I want to ask more but don’t as it would identify you . Sounds like you are moving the right way . Keep it up dood

Yes I still get along with the kids very well. They love me to death and I love them just as much. I've been a big part of their life for the last 1 1/2 years. Going through all this does kind of suck from that stand point as I won't see them anymore. Occasionally I do watch them but not as often as I used to. Anyway, I'm going to get heading to the movie theater. Decided to walk there and save $6 grab a bite to eat, have a few drinks, and uber back after the movie.

[mikeyb]

Well..... Discovered at the minimum an EA.... She says it's innocent but refused to prove it.

[mikeyb]

I thought I was prepared for if this came up, but I wasn't. I'm literally torn to pieces right now. She says the whole issue behind wanting D is trust and she pulls this. And absolutely refused to show proof that it's innocent. So much to the point she was willing to lose her job over it. I should be asleep right now as I need to be up for work in 4 hours but I just can't. My mind is just all over the place.

[Ready2Change]

The mind racing scuks. Control it.

Every thought that comes up, tell yourself this:

"I will deal with that tomorrow"

Also visualize stop sign and tell yourself "STOP"


Start at 100 and count backwards by 3 (repeat if required)

Lay down, focus on relaxing your eyelids, then you forehead, then you jaw. Work down to your toes. Feel tension some place, focus on relaxing that part.


You can handle this

[ovrrnbw]

Mikey,

so sorry to hear that. I think almost every WAS here has an OM/OW. Time to detach some more.

The stop sign technique really does work. Read about EMDR. Get out and take a walk through the woods, take a drive somewhere pretty and notice the beautiful world. It will take time to process this but you will get through it.

[mikeyb]

Thanks guys, I decided to take the day off of work tomorrow. One, since I won't get enough sleep and going to work with heavy equipment on no sleep isn't smart and Two, to clear my head some. Probably go spend some time with my dad while he's working. I don't get to spend much time with him and he offered me to come see him and hang out tomorrow so I will most likely do that. He is also gonna try and help me with some options for paying off my 401k loan. Especially since I discovered this the W is saying she will be moving out this week. So I really need to get this figured out and soon.

[ovrrnbw]

I hope you have a good day off. Try to control your biology, AKA run/lift your butt off and make it to where you'll be tired as hell.

[mikeyb]

So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me. Then she changed the subject

(she was kinda loud during this)
W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you?
M: yes.
W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money.
M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it.
W: .........
(at this point she seemed confused, possible she thought this would be the final nail in the coffin for me but she mellowed out and started to talk nicer to me)
W: Well, on that note I am going to take a shower and go to bed.

But for today, I am doing much better than I was yesterday when I found out. The initial reaction has passed but the thought of it still lingers, and I just keep telling myself It is what it is, it has happened and nothing can be done to change that. Taking it one step at a time. Right now just waiting to hear from my dad on when we can meet up and go spend some time with him.

[AnotherStander]

So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me.

Try to avoid asking stuff like this, it's pressure and she wants zero pressure from you right now. If she approaches you for recon THEN you can make it a condition that she answer your questions about her affair.

W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you?
M: yes. We would both need to do a lot of work before we could consider reconciling.

You don't want to keep reaffirming to her that you are Plan B. She already knows all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you'll come running. And that is not attractive to her.

W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money.
M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it. That must have been difficult and frustrating for you. Is that how you feel? I can understand why you would feel that way.

Your response is too much info. This is the sort of convo you will need to have if and when she genuinely approaches you about recon. You're not even close to there yet, so you should not be engaging in these convos. Just listen to her and validate, that's it.

[mikeyb]

So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me.

Try to avoid asking stuff like this, it's pressure and she wants zero pressure from you right now. If she approaches you for recon THEN you can make it a condition that she answer your questions about her affair.

W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you?
M: yes. We would both need to do a lot of work before we could consider reconciling.

You don't want to keep reaffirming to her that you are Plan B. She already knows all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you'll come running. And that is not attractive to her.

W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money.
M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it. That must have been difficult and frustrating for you. Is that how you feel? I can understand why you would feel that way.

Your response is too much info. This is the sort of convo you will need to have if and when she genuinely approaches you about recon. You're not even close to there yet, so you should not be engaging in these convos. Just listen to her and validate, that's it.

There was a lot that went on that I could have handled much better. Emotion got the best of me for sure.

I haven't seen her since then and only talked to her briefly on the phone, she took the car and hasn't come home leaving me with the truck to get back & forth to work adding on to my already tough financial situation, and she's deleted her Facebook account.

Didn't get to meet up with my dad, he ended up canceling so I didn't do much on my day off. Also still had my mind racing when it came to go to sleep. Didn't get a whole lot of it, but I have to go to work today, no choice. But at least it's Friday and I will have 3 days to get myself together again.

[AnotherStander]

Also still had my mind racing when it came to go to sleep.

Unfortunately that's a big part of what you're going through. Anxiety, depression, mind racing, lack of sleep. Do you work out? That helped me sleep better. I also got on anti-anxiety meds for a while, those helped me sleep too.

Didn't get a whole lot of it, but I have to go to work today, no choice. But at least it's Friday and I will have 3 days to get myself together again.

Try to get out this weekend and keep yourself occupied to take your mind off of things! It helps. Good luck and hang in there!

[mikeyb]

So just a bit more of an update. Haven't seen the W since EA discovered. She left the house and hasn't been back since with the exception of yesterday while I was at work but was gone before I got home. Communication has been pretty much non existent with the exception of a few texts she sent that I haven't responded to. Other then that I'm out enjoying the day today at Busch gardens with my mom and gonna see a concert they are having tonight.

[mikeyb]

This past weekend was really tough. I did get out, spent Saturday at busch gardens with my mom then went to my parents house on Sunday and spent the day there. Yesterday I was home all day, taking care of household chores and played some video games with a close friend. Doing all that was great, but coming home / being home in an empty house really brought me down (I did have my dogs who stayed really close to me through all this). I haven't talked to my W now for 6 days. She came home briefly yesterday to swap vehicles and grab a few things in the morning after she got off work. The dogs woke me up when she arrived but I didn't say anything to her and she didn't say anything to me and like that she was gone again.

I have so many different feelings right now it's crazy. From feeling betrayed, lied to, led on, insecure, lonely, you name it. And somehow, with her putting me through all of this pain I still don't want to give up on her, and at the same time I can see some of the pain I put her through, but I never did anything like this to her (Although she did accuse me when I found out about her EA of going on her facebook and looking at woman on the other side of the country, which for one, I never had access to her facebook except when we needed to reset her account and she needed my help, and two, why would I even do something like that on HER facebook????). BTW she has also on the night of finding out about the EA she deleted her facebook account completely.

Anyway, I scheduled today off last week to try and get some things in order and run some errands, the W doesn't know I'm off since we've had no contact so who knows if she's going to come by today to take care of the dogs or not.

[ovrrnbw]

Don't try to be there when she comes around just to have a chance talk, it won't work out like you want it to. You'll get over the affair Mikey. Just try to see her for who she is, not who she was. Read Davide's thread for a how-to on working through your emotions. It takes time.

Take your space, don't pursue. If she ever changes her mind you'll know.

[mikeyb]

Don't try to be there when she comes around just to have a chance talk, it won't work out like you want it to. You'll get over the affair Mikey. Just try to see her for who she is, not who she was. Read Davide's thread for a how-to on working through your emotions. It takes time.

Take your space, don't pursue. If she ever changes her mind you'll know.

I wasn't intentionally trying to be here when she came by. Just because of no contact she didn't know I was off, i didn't feel I needed to let her know I was taking the day off. She saw that I was home and just left, sent me a text later giving me hell for being home and not telling her so she could have kept the car another day, but it's whatever I ignored the text and didn't respond.

I've been doing better being by myself, the loneliness is starting to fade. I miss her, but I'm managing it. Been sleeping better as well the last few days. I still haven't had any contact with the W, besides the text she sent and me sending a simple text apologizing for my behavior when I found out about the EA. I was a bit of a jerk, but my emotions were holding the steering wheel. I should have walked away and addressed it later, but I didn't. So I felt an apology was needed when I thought about how I reacted.

Other than that, nothing else has changed. Stressing out more and more about my financial situation because I have no idea if she plans to give the landlord a 30 day notice or not on the 1st which would give me 1 month to figure out what the heck I'm going to do.

[mikeyb]

So the W came by to get the car, started with me again asking if I'm moving. Around and around, I told her again "we've discussed this, I don't have the money to move right now" she said if she needs to move she will get a storage unit and stay at her friends and leave me to deal with everything. It was basically a round and round convo, I'll move, I'll stay, I'll move, I'll stay. Exhausting... Still not sure what her intentions are, but she said she can't keep bouncing back and forth between here and her friends. Said that I get to live comfortably while she is suffering and I'm causing it. Saying she hates it in the guest room her stuff won't fit in there and it's a mess (she's completely unorganized so ya, her fault) and I get to enjoy the MBR and the whole house, that she has to bounce back and forth from her friends and here and I'm enjoying all this at her expense. I told her that I am not making her do anything and that is your choice you are making, I am not moving out of the MBR. Then she took off again.

[ovrrnbw]

Mikey,

I was just thinking about you yesterday. I hope you are planning your next place to live. You need to be prepared for that. Also, have you set a plan in motion for your teeth? Like an extra jobs or extra hours and a separate savings account that you put OT money into?

As for your W, let her flip and flop while your worry about yourself. She doesn't know what the hell she's doing.

[mikeyb]

Mikey,

I was just thinking about you yesterday. I hope you are planning your next place to live. You need to be prepared for that. Also, have you set a plan in motion for your teeth? Like an extra jobs or extra hours and a separate savings account that you put OT money into?

As for your W, let her flip and flop while your worry about yourself. She doesn't know what the hell she's doing.

Yea I'm letting her do her thing, she gave me half the rent yesterday so the landlord stopped by today to get it. While I was talking with her (she knows everything thats going on, the W told her a few months ago) she was asking how I'm holding up, and said the W seems crazy for everything she's doing. I just laughed, and she said the W was asking about getting a roommate and she told me that it's not going to fly. It's either we work it out and stay, or we both go. She straight up said You came together, you go together. So there's that. As for planning myself a place, I am waiting to hear back from my dad, he's trying to secure me a short term loan (3 weeks) to pay off my current 401K loan, the balance is at about $2300. Once I pay that off I have to wait 15 days then I can initiate another loan from my 401K and get about $9K at which point I would payoff the short term loan my dad got, the wedding loan which is at $1,700 (I will collect half that from the W) put a down payment on a car and trade in my truck which would slash my vehicle payment in half and have enough left over for a deposit to move if needed.

As for my teeth that will be project #2, once I get myself a car I can do Uber/LYFT driving again as overtime at work is non existent, I do get my full 40 but no overtime is being offered right now. And I will do that as much as I can to put money away to get my teeth worked out.

So I have a plan to get what I need, it's just everything is so short term that's going on and I only just started getting my paycheck back 2 weeks ago so I haven't had any time to try and save.

[mikeyb]

Update, was really pi**ed at the W yesterday. When she left, she told me she would stay here during the day to take care of the dogs and be gone before I came home. Since she left, she has come by twice. Yesterday she came by, but literally right after I had left the house for work at 4am, and was gone by 5am. I drive an hr to work, and work a 10 hr shift, the drive home takes anywhere from 1 1/2 hrs to 2hrs. My bigger dog has to stay in his crate when no one is home because he will get into stuff. Well yesterday, my dog that was in the crate really needed to go out during a time she should have been here. I have a camera set facing his crate so I can check on him during the day, he started crying to go out at 8:30am until 10am when he couldn't hold it any more and was stuck laying in the mess from 10am until I got home after 5pm. She said she just doesn't want to be here, and I said why do the dogs have to suffer because of your choice to not be here. She says she loves the dogs and cares what happens to them but showed zero emotion for what he had to stay in yesterday.

I'm at the point where I am getting sick & tired of her selfishness and child like behavior. Over the last 4 months she has turned into a completely different woman, without a care for anything or anyone but herself.

[IHCLACS]

MikeyB that really [censored] and sounds inhumane. Although that is inexcusable, I notice a lot of W'S and WAW'S imcluding my own turn selfish. Some more to an extent than others. Some are just selfish specifically to their estranged spouses, but not others around them.
This is going to sound crazy, but sometimes our spouses become selfish because they just gave and gave and gave in the R. Sometimes we may have unawaringly missed it, or took it for granted. Sometimes their resentments build up, as well as their expectations, ruminations, and disappointment. My question is, really dig deep, look inward, and ask yourself. What have you done in the past that was selfish? Really think. There is a pattern I am noticing with the WW and WAS. May not be everyone's case, but I notice they mirror our old behaviors, desires, hobbies, choices, etc, but in their own way, by their own decision.

[Tryhard]

It’s up to you now . Track down coach’s posts on what is attractive for a man . Strength , generosity ( not just money , emotionally too) , intelligence, PATIENCE, understanding, caring, compassion, communication, direction,stable , leading. Get your mom or dad or friend to help with the dog . I want to see you as a success story , you can do it . The quicker you can get control of YOURSELF, the quicker and easier things will turn around. Set some non R related goals , get ‘em done .

Up to you , but I know you can do it

[AnotherStander]

Get your mom or dad or friend to help with the dog .

THIS. Quit depending on your W for ANYTHING. Detach. Let her go. Become self-sufficient and independent of her.

[mikeyb]

Unfortunately I have no friends in the area and my parents are 2 hours away. I moved away from all my friends so she could be closer to work. But after that incident I have created a new plan for the dog. It's not the greatest, but it's better than letting him suffer. I have started to leave him in my room, this way if he has another incident he can find a spot and go versus having to lay in it. Don't get me wrong he loves his crate and will just lay in it when he wants, but I'd rather him be in my room free to eat, drink, or go if he absolutely has to (he is very well trained to go outside so I'm not too concerned about it, but in an emergency like that I'd rather him have an option) and not be forced to suffer until I get home.

As for my goals, I have begun to lay the foundation for what I want and am feeling great so far about my ambitions. The only thing holding me back is financials and I am trying to figure that out. I've made some progress but not enough. In due time though I will.

As for the W I'm going 100% no contact. After the other night I'm to frustrated to even want to say anything to her. The mil is still managing her finances so when it comes to the bills I will discuss that with her as there is no need to involve the W since she's not being involved with it anyway.

[mikeyb]

Just another update, my plan with dogs seems to be going well so far, time will tell. My little dog has had incidents but that's been the norm for her. They seem to be more comfortable being in my room together vs separated with one in the crate in the other free to roam. That and I'm way more comfortable with this and not have to worry about what my dog has to lay in all day.

As for myself, I've been doing pretty good. Went to the Dr yesterday because I've been having some knee pain the last 2 weeks. They did an x-ray and said that as far as the x-ray goes I have a strong knee, told me to do some daily exercises on that leg to try and strengthen the muscles around my knee for the next 4 weeks. If by then the pain doesn't subside or gets worse they will push my insurance for an MRI

Emotionally, I've been doing well. I'm actually enjoying being home by myself, free to do whatever I want, when I want. Went to the movies last night and seen Shazam, today I'll be getting together with some of my old co-workers from when I worked night shift and going to Busch Gardens for a Stone Temple Pilots concert

I've actually been contemplating on taking my ring off and putting it on a necklace that I will wear, it's not necessarily that I'm giving up hope (note: hope, not expectation), but thinking that it might ease my state of mind a bit. Not sure though.... I may just need to do it and get it over with to get over that hill and start the downhill progress....

[mikeyb]

Ugh, so the W came by the house today. Showed up out of the blue right after I woke up around 11. I was outside with the dogs and next thing I know the back door was opening and she was there. Not much was said besides her hounding me about I needed to get dog food, batteries for the dogs collar, etc... I said, I know, I am going to the store today. She asked if I needed money for dog food, all I said was it would help but I don't need it and she gave me money to help with that so that was nice. She stayed and did laundry, then passed out on the couch. I continued my normal routine and acted like she wasn't even here. Then she woke up, told me she was going to take the car and she was done driving the truck, tried saying I needed new tires on the truck because she almost got in 2 accidents from sliding out. 1) It's a truck, no weight in the rear and it's rear wheel drive. 2) It was raining and she has a lead foot...

So now I'm stuck driving the truck to work... Gonna make it harder on me but I'll find a way to manage.

Then right before she was leaving she started on me again about moving. Asked if I've been looking etc... Told her we've discussed this already and she kept going. She said she's tired of going back & forth between houses etc.... I said that is your choice to be making. Nobody told you to leave here.

Tired of the circles and constant discussion on what I'm doing, not doing. Next time she shows up at the house and I am here I am just going to leave and stay gone for the day. Don't know what I'll do, but I'll find something. Maybe go to the mall and window shop LOL.

Also decided that I will take the ring off, going to go and pick up a necklace and place it on that. I'm just reaching the point were I'm tired of the games and her trying to say this is all my fault and acting like I'm making her do this.

[LH19]

Why is she calling all the shots and coming and going as she pleases?

What are your boundaries?

[mikeyb]

Why is she calling all the shots and coming and going as she pleases?

What are your boundaries?

She's coming here to do her laundry, because she's staying at her friends house who doesn't have a washer and dryer ans she doesn't want to go to the Laundromat. She tried to tell me yesterday that she can do whatever she feels like doing because she is paying half the rent. This came up because while she was here she had cooked herself a pizza and left a mess. I asked her nicely "If you come by here and cook or do anything please clean up after yourself" she replied "No, I pay half the rent here I can do whatever I want" I told her "half the rent doesn't make me a maid to clean up after you whenever you decide to show up, all I am asking is to simply clean your mess" She really tried to fight me on it and I said "I don't know why your making this into something more than it is, I'm nicely asking to just be considerate and clean up after yourself"

If she decides to show up randomly again on the weekend I am going to tell her she needs to let me know ahead of time, mostly because I just don't want to be here when she is.

[Ready2Change]

One of the wise poster set a great boundary. I am sure it is the boundary threads. Might look it up if interested.

Paraphrased:

When you leave your dirty dishes laying around the house like an animal.....
If you continue, I will put them in your bedroom....

[IHCLACS]

R2C. Dishes cleanup has been my biggest sticking point with W since beginning. I tried that dishes boundary about leaving them in the bedroom if she didn't clean up her mess about 5 years ago. Didn't fly well. Was deemed punitive, vindictive, and I stopped doing that. I would intentionally leave the dishes, or her laundry on her side of the bed, or couch so she would be forced to deal with them. Now I just don't clean her messes any more. Now Ironicly she deals with them a little bit more, but doesn't put them away. Just leaves in dish drain. You cannot control other people, but you can definately set boundaries.

[mikeyb]

One of the wise poster set a great boundary. I am sure it is the boundary threads. Might look it up if interested.

Paraphrased:

When you leave your dirty dishes laying around the house like an animal.....
If you continue, I will put them in your bedroom....

R2C. Dishes cleanup has been my biggest sticking point with W since beginning. I tried that dishes boundary about leaving them in the bedroom if she didn't clean up her mess about 5 years ago. Didn't fly well. Was deemed punitive, vindictive, and I stopped doing that. I would intentionally leave the dishes, or her laundry on her side of the bed, or couch so she would be forced to deal with them. Now I just don't clean her messes any more. Now Ironicly she deals with them a little bit more, but doesn't put them away. Just leaves in dish drain. You cannot control other people, but you can definately set boundaries.

Yea, I don't think that would work very well. She isn't at the house. Besides when she feels like stopping by. Since the EA was discovered she's only been here like 3 times. And I'm trying to keep a clean house, something that we didn't do so well together during our marriage. (Not like it was a disaster, but we were just never in a rush to do dishes, etc. Would put them off a day) Well since this all began I've 180'd that, everyday I'm tidying up. Sink stays empty, my bed gets made, counters wiped if they need, when I get laundry done, it's folded and put away right after coming out of the dryer. And doing all this has made me feel great. So anyway putting the dishes in her room they could sit there for a week, maybe 2, and if she does come by, there's no guarantee she's going to even do anything about it besides leave it.

I plan to tell her she can't just come by unannounced anymore. Yea she may be paying rent, but she's not living here. Just her stuff is here. She took the car so she doesn't need to come by and swap vehicles. If she wants to do laundry she'll need to tell me her intentions first. And I'll decide if she can come by or not. After all she is only paying rent, no other bills so basically she's paying for storage of her stuff, why increase my electric and water bill for her convenience. She can go to the laundromat.

[mikeyb]

So the majority of my posts have been about interactions with my wife, things that have come up from it etc..... Instead I wanted to take this post and make it 100% about me.

For starters, I've adjusted fairly well to the empty house. Having the house to myself gives me the freedom to do what I want, when I want. Without someone looking over my shoulders with criticism about what I am or am not doing. Actually enjoying that, not gonna lie.

Emotionally I've been well, I took my ring off the other day. It just seemed like it was a constant pressure to make this work. I still keep the ring close at all times, since I am still married and it does still mean a lot to me, it's on a nice necklace that I have been wearing daily. It just feels like a burden was lifted of my shoulders, the feeling of "I have to fix this".

As for my 180's I've done well here with maintaining everything I've been doing. Clean house, clean laundry, staying organized, getting better financially, taking better care of myself by shaving daily, regular haircuts, styling my hair daily, wearing cologne, dressing nicer.

Financially I've been working to save what I need to go through with this 401k loan while staying current on all my bills. Progress has been made but it's slow, on a tight budget.

For GAL being on a tight budget has me somewhat limited me. I've basically set myself a $100-$125 limit a month for entertainment. This includes 2 things mostly, a Busch Gardens pass $25 a month and includes parking, I live close by so gas isn't terrible and I only get drinks at the park which costs $0.89 with my cup. And a subscription to AMC Stubs A-List which allows me to see 3 movies a week every month for $20. Both of which I have been using regularly and it's been fun. So after those I get about $70 left for misc. activities.

As for my teeth, I actually just came across a local dental clinic on facebook that offers in-house financing w/ no credit check so I will be calling them tomorrow to schedule an appointment and see what I can get done with that.

Overall though, things are slowly starting to look up and I can't complain about that!

[Ready2Change]

Ever been to Lower Hillsborough Wilderness preserve?

[mikeyb]

Ever been to Lower Hillsborough Wilderness preserve?

I have not, but a quick Google search has me intrigued. It's only 20 mins from me. Might take my dog there this weekend and check it out!

[Ready2Change]

I have not, but a quick Google search has me intrigued. It's only 20 mins from me. Might take my dog there this weekend and check it out!

I like those GAL. Cheap and in the moment. Can't beat time with the dog.

We don't have wild alligators in Colorado.....

[AnotherStander]

Great update Mikey! Keep it up!

[mikeyb]

I have not, but a quick Google search has me intrigued. It's only 20 mins from me. Might take my dog there this weekend and check it out!

I like those GAL. Cheap and in the moment. Can't beat time with the dog.

We don't have wild alligators in Colorado.....

Definitely loving my time with my dog, and I'm sure he is too. The W is trying to make me get rid of him and send him to a shelter to help get me to move (and she says she cares for our pets and what happens to them, SMH). I said nope, not gonna happen.

He's the only thing in my immediate daily life that truly loves me unconditionally, he's family.

[mikeyb]

So today I had to stop by Walmart on my way home from work today to pick up some groceries and get cat food. While there I was about halfway through my grocery shopping when I noticed the W was also there with her friend and the kids. I tried to avoid them and not be seen as I didn't want the kids to see me and then I'd be forced into a conversation I didn't want. Ended up rushing my shopping, several near misses. Like NEAR misses by her being 2-3 ft away from me, luckily she wasn't looking in my direction. Got out the store and realized I had forgotten cat food. So ran back in and as I'm walking out by the registers she was right there checking out. Walked right past her and out the store. Thankfully the kids didn't see me because they would have definitely screamed my name and drawn attention to me.

Really trying to keep that 100% no-contact going as any contact right now is meaningless.

Also, got a dentist appointment set for Monday. Hopefully I can get something worked out!

[IHCLACS]

If I had to choose between the W and the dog... Ill take the dog all week long and twice on Sunday. Speaking of which here's a riddle?..What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your car back. Your house back and your dog back.

[mikeyb]

So the W was at the house today while I was at work, her and her friend. First it was just her friend here for 2 hrs then the W. She took a bunch of her bathroom stuff. Did laundry, and ATE MY FOOD!!! I was livid. I called her up, told her she can no longer just come by and do whatever she wants. No laundry, no cooking. I told her, you won't come by and take care of the dogs because you feel as if it's not your house, then you can't come by and cook and do laundry for the same reason. And that you don't get to pick and choose when you come by because what your needing to do is convenient to you. Told her she is increases my expenses and I am on a tight budget. Tried to say she pays rent so she can come and cook or do laundry. I said you are not paying the electric bill or water bill. You have no right to come by and do that. You are not living here, I am and if you need to come by you need to call me first. She then said, fine I'm not paying rent then. I told her she is still responsible for half the rent. Her stuff is here and her name is on the lease.

Then tried to say she will give her 30 day notice and said she is pretty much taking everything and putting it in storage. Washer, dryer, couch, table, dresser, bed, rug, tv etc.... I told her no. And that I already told you that you need to write up a proposal for everything and if I agree we will continue forward from there. She tried to say that it's hers because she paid for it.... BS, everything is ours and will be split fairly.


When will I wake up from this nightmare....

[mikeyb]

Just posting an update, The other day the W came by to replace the food she ate. She apologized and said she won't do it again, understanding that my budget is tight. Had a small conversation with her, then she left. It was a pretty good conversation.

Today, I thought I'd be able to handle starting this but it was pretty hard on me actually, I started to pack up some of the stuff around the house. Didn't really do a whole lot, mostly took down pictures, packed up DVDs, some collectibles of mine that I had on a shelf. It hit me hard with the pictures. I'll push through it though, going to take my time packing. I have atleast another month here so I'm not in any extreme rush, will just slowly make my way through the house packing the non-essentials. Still unsure what my plan is yet to go. Saving has been extremely hard, feel like I'm getting nowhere and my expenses just going up. (Driving truck now, covering all bills, etc...)

Also in my spare time I am helping my mom start up a craft business. Set up a facebook page for her, and also set up a e-commerce website for her. She's already got her first order in just the first day of setting it up!

Anyway, I got my dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully I can get something worked out with that. If I'm able to get on a decent payment plan for what I need I will have to bite the bullet and bunker down even more on the financials. This is something I must do.

[AnotherStander]

So the W was at the house today while I was at work, her and her friend. First it was just her friend here for 2 hrs then the W. She took a bunch of her bathroom stuff. Did laundry, and ATE MY FOOD!!! I was livid. I called her up, told her she can no longer just come by and do whatever she wants. No laundry, no cooking. I told her, you won't come by and take care of the dogs because you feel as if it's not your house, then you can't come by and cook and do laundry for the same reason. And that you don't get to pick and choose when you come by because what your needing to do is convenient to you. Told her she is increases my expenses and I am on a tight budget. Tried to say she pays rent so she can come and cook or do laundry. I said you are not paying the electric bill or water bill. You have no right to come by and do that. You are not living here, I am and if you need to come by you need to call me first. She then said, fine I'm not paying rent then. I told her she is still responsible for half the rent. Her stuff is here and her name is on the lease.

Mikey, that sounds great, you're finally starting to stand up for yourself! Well done!

Then tried to say she will give her 30 day notice and said she is pretty much taking everything and putting it in storage. Washer, dryer, couch, table, dresser, bed, rug, tv etc.... I told her no. And that I already told you that you need to write up a proposal for everything and if I agree we will continue forward from there. She tried to say that it's hers because she paid for it.... BS, everything is ours and will be split fairly.

Good job sticking your guns! She might gripe about it, but deep inside a seed of respect has been planted.

When will I wake up from this nightmare....

It's like a slow awakening. You'll get there, just be patient.

[mikeyb]

Went to the dentist today. Total cost to get what I need done: Over $9,000 can finance it at $252 a month. Ugh.....

Meanwhile, I get home from the dentist office and check the mail, found out the W opened a victorias secret credit card...

[mikeyb]

Today was a pretty decent day, should be getting into a car by Monday. 2017 Chevy Cruze, at $230 less per month, also on my way home my local alternative rock station was doing a ticket drop so I stopped by there and won some free tickets to a concert next month now to find someone to go with me...

[AnotherStander]

Mikey, maybe explain your financial situation to the dentist and see if the work can be prioritized. That's a huge financial hit to absorb all at once, but perhaps some of the work that can be postponed a while.

Good deal on the car, glad to hear you're taking control of things again! Congrats on the tickets!

[mikeyb]

Mikey, maybe explain your financial situation to the dentist and see if the work can be prioritized. That's a huge financial hit to absorb all at once, but perhaps some of the work that can be postponed a while.

Good deal on the car, glad to hear you're taking control of things again! Congrats on the tickets!

Thanks, yea might be something I'll try and discuss with them.

So today I finalized everything for the car. Payments are $230 less and my insurance is $30 less so a total savings of $260 a month. The wedding loan has 5 more payments left so I'm getting close on that as well which will add another $150. Pretty excited, things are slowly turning around. I didn't quite want to get the car just yet, as I wanted to save and do the 401k loan, but with me driving the truck and spending over $100 a week in gas vs $40 I haven't been able to save and was having to start eating into what I did save just to get by. So I had to jump the gun, get the car while I had the money saved for the down payment and start fresh with saving toward the 401K loan. But this $260 a month plus fuel savings will help me get there quicker.

[Grace21]

Ever been to Lower Hillsborough Wilderness preserve?

Wow. This caught my eye! I know where that is! I've been looking for wilderness places to take D19 to over the summer.......

[mikeyb]

Hope everyone had a great Easter! My day was pretty good, washed and cleaned the truck to get it ready for trading in tomorrow. Then just sat outside for a few hours and had a few drinks enjoying the wonderful Florida weather we had today.

Now I'm just relaxing a bit watching TV. The W was going to give me the car tomorrow during the day to take the dogs to the vet, she was supposed to drop it off in the morning after work, well then I get a text from her at 10pm saying she wanted to come by and do laundry. Guess she missed more work (she's been missing a lot, but not my problem) so Im assuming she's gonna stay here tonight. I dunno, she walked in and didn't say much to me, started her laundry then went into the guest room. But I guess tomorrow morning I'll get up and take the dogs to the vet, then later in the evening I'll be going to pick up my car and get rid of my truck. Pretty excited for that, things should start getting better now.

[mikeyb]

Today I picked up my new (to me) car! First impressions, I love it! The whole buying process of getting it was the most simple and easy going car purchase I ever made. I bought the car through carvanna. Entire process was done online, trade appraisal, contract, etc... Come pickup time (could be delivered too) I showed up at my appointment, they quickly looked over my trade to make sure it was as described, signed some title paperwork. Then they gave me a big coin, that I dropped into this slot in the lobby. At which point the lights change colors in the lobby, and the vending machine kicks in and goes to get my car. Brings it down and places it in a bay. At which point I was given the key and free to drive away. I was there less than 15 minutes.

[mikeyb]

So the W and MIL came by today, we discussed who's going to take what in the house. She's planning to get a storage unit and needed to know what size she was going to get. So now that I know what's going where I can actually start packing my stuff up. She's putting in her notice to the landlord on the 1st, so that gives me 30 days. I don't have a place lined up do to inability to save having the truck, but now that I got the car I'll have a boost every month. Trying to set up a plan for me right now. My parents have a storage unit that they are going to clean out tonight or tomorrow to make room for my stuff, so no cost to store anything. And I'm trying to meet up with a close friend tomorrow for lunch to talk about me staying with him for a few months while I save some money to pay off this 401k loan and get another out. He's already told me I can stay there if it came down to it, just want to work out the details. As for my dogs and cat my parents have offered to take them while I stay at my friends until I get my own place.

So in general the puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place, didn't really want to burden my friend with me staying there but I don't really have much of a choice, I prolonged the inevitable as long as I could.

[mikeyb]

Additionally, the W and MIL are going through and filing out the papers for D. Hitting me pretty hard, but I'm pushing through it and giving her whatever info she needs. I guess she wants to go through with getting it filed this week. She mentioned about going to get them notarized next week.

Staying focused, trying to stay strong through this.

[mikeyb]

Just a vent/journaling post.

Sunday I was with my friend, we went out to lunch then I helped him with a landscaping project he's got going on. We talked about a plan for me to stay with him to help get me back on my feet. I got to say having him as a friend has been a blessing. He knows what I'm going through as he's been there himself. It's been good to have a great friend like that, when he was going through his D I was the same way, helping him get through it. Anyway, I'll be staying with him, my parents will take the pets for the time being, and I will store my stuff in their storage unit. So I'm good on that front.

While I was at my friend's we were discussing the situation, and this was the first time I had said it but it's how I'm really starting to feel. There is a part of me that still wants to work out the issues with my W, but there is an ever growing part of me that says NO! I'm starting to feel that after all the things she did, the ways that she has treated me since BD and the pain she has put me through, that I don't feel as if I could ever open myself back up to her, to allow myself the possibility of feeling that pain again. And if I did, I would always have that stuck in the back of my mind.

I feel myself getting closer and closer to the point that I can't wait for her to bring me those papers and just sign away this chapter of my life and begin the next. But I'm not 100% there yet, just much closer.

[IHCLACS]

I think a lot of us here with our situations being someone on the same timeline, we're all getting closer and closer to being 100% done. It's almost like they distance, then we distance some more, then they retreat even more. then we retreat. Then they break trust, then we break trust, they move closer and closer to being done and then so do we. I was just telling Wolman. it's kind of like what the hell is the incentive or point of even sticking around? Other than rebuilding ourselves and giving them and us time and space to see if minds and hearts will change? even if they did how could trust ever be restored with it always being in the back of your mind if it was?

[Ready2Change]

I had one of my buddy's stay with me after he left is wife. He worked a different shift, so we didn't see him much, but he constantly cleaned the house. Best roommate ever.

[mikeyb]

I had one of my buddy's stay with me after he left is wife. He worked a different shift, so we didn't see him much, but he constantly cleaned the house. Best roommate ever.

That's basically how it's gonna be. We both work at the same place, same days, just he's overnight and I'm days. Just don't want to overstay my welcome as it's him and his wife that are allowing me to stay, so I'll be putting the pedal to the metal on saving, try and do some ubering (smaller market in his area so hopefully I can, he's closer to our work. Whereas I'm currently right beside tampa) to make up some extra cash-flow. Also starting a small hobby/business doing vinyl decals, got a hold of a cricut machine for pretty cheap. in which me and him may both go in on doing it, we shall see.

[mikeyb]

Been a few days since I've posted so decided to check in. Not a whole lot has been going on, gave my landlord notice that I intend to move out at the end of the month and am working on packing up my stuff in the house. I've been getting in some overtime at work right now because my boss quit a week ago and I have been filing in and handling the ins and outs of my department. The days have been long but I'm taking it as much as I can if they will allow me.

The good thing about it I guess is, I was basically given a one day crash course into the paperwork of my department and have been managing it for the last week, so far upper management and the other department managers have been telling me that I've been doing a great job with everything. Several of the managers have even asked me if I am going to put in for manager job when it gets posted. It is something I'm thinking about.

[mikeyb]

So I'm feeling pretty great right now! As I'm packing my stuff up I see this chapter closing and a new one beggining. So much that the other day my W had called me and asked me to set up a fire stick for her. I had agreed at that point. But packing up and closing out this chapter has changed my mind. So I sent her a text that said this:

"Don't bother with the fire stick. I've decided i need to stop being here 'When you need me'. You were not here for me when I needed you the most and you haven't been here for me for a very long time. I don't know why I cared to make myself so available to you whenever you needed me these last 6 months when all you have brought me is nothing but pain. I'm putting an end to that now. I can't get past you if I still make myself available to you"

Hitting the send button I felt so much relief!!!

[ovrrnbw]

Quite the mouthful for someone who is moving on. I say you are progressing but not over it. Good luck mikey I still read your thread.

[mikeyb]

Quite the mouthful for someone who is moving on. I say you are progressing but not over it. Good luck mikey I still read your thread.

Oh don't get me wrong, I know I am not over it. I still get thoughts of R, but at the same time I don't really think I could go through with R if it ever came to it, but I've felt obligated to be there for things she needed and while packing it was like reality started to sink in and I thought. Why am I doing this to myself, why do I still try to please her and be there to help her when she hasn't been there for me when I need her. So in that moment I decided to cut that rope.

[IHCLACS]

Mikey I've been doing a lot of these actions in IHS. Although it hasn't been helping with W, it has been getting me back my self-respect. If that's what helps you move forward given all that you perceive your W hasn't done for you, then so say run with it. Let them see the other side of the coin of all the things they said we didn't do for them, or tool for granted. Good for you for having a pair of Ball$

[ovrrnbw]

I think we move on in stages. Most of us dont fly through it. But if you were able to be there to help her a bit it probably shows some detachment progress. There were times when inflation ignored my W bc I was so hurt. But allowing her to continue to hurt me was my own fault. I say you're doing better than I was at this stage.

[mikeyb]

I think we move on in stages. Most of us dont fly through it. But if you were able to be there to help her a bit it probably shows some detachment progress. There were times when inflation ignored my W bc I was so hurt. But allowing her to continue to hurt me was my own fault. I say you're doing better than I was at this stage.

Thanks ovrrnbw, I know I still got a ways to go. I think once I land in my own place the real progress will begin. I'm shooting for mid-end july. That's my goal, no more than 2 months at my friend's house.

[mikeyb]

Ok so I'm conflicted, I found out who the guy is. She's been going to a hotel with him while he's away for work. He's 17 yes older, married 25 yrs, 2 kids and a grandkid. I feel like I should tell his wife what's going on. I'm guessing this isn't the first time and if he's been going around doing this she's at risk of many things and I don't feel that's right. From what I know of her she doesn't deserve this at all. Thoughts?

[IHCLACS]

That's a tough predicament Mikey. I can totally understand how you want to detach, and let WW make their own choices, on the other hand, I see your point about WW potentially catching an STD. Although by reaching out to OM's W You might nip the A in the budd. You will still be "controlling an outcome. Do we let the WW be an adult? Or do we protect them for their own health's sake? Sandi? Input?

[AnotherStander]

Not everyone here will agree but I would tell his W. Send her an email from a throwaway address or mail a letter with no return address or something anonymous just to let her know, and that's it. Don't tell her who you are or try to start a conversation, just inform her and leave it be. What she does with the info is her business. I suspect she already knows and chooses to turn the other cheek, that's often the case.

[Ready2Change]

Before doing anything, Read this thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2039619


Read this post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2085371#Post2085371

[mikeyb]

Decided to just tell the W that I know and give him an opportunity to come clean. I don't really want to be the one to mess with someone else's feelings when he's clearly already doing that himself. She tried to say they are separated, but was all over the place with "I don't know; yes she knows; no; their separated; oh you just want to ruin his life (what's there to ruin if their separated?);etc..." Got the feeling he's only telling her their separated which is why they are only getting together when he's got a hotel room for work. And I just left it at that: I KNOW, she couldn't believe that I knew and since I did she stopped denying it. I'm more and more to the point where I don't want her anywhere in my life anymore so really don't care what she thinks at this point. Tomorrow is her bday and I strongly feel like I shouldn't even say a happy bday to her, but yet... There is still this little part of me that wants to be nice to her.

On a side note, I haven't spent any time with the W friends kids in a few months, let alone actually even see them. Was really starting to miss them so I reached out and asked her if I could spend a day with them one of these weekends before I leave town and give them a proper goodbye of sorts as I never know if I'll see them again after all this. She agreed so I don't know what day yet but I'll get to spend some time with them which will be nice, but heartbreaking bat the same time.

[Adam04]

Stay strong Mikey,

Now that you confronted W about it, will it help you get to where you need to be?

The whole saying happy birthday or not is trivial. Let’s say you move on and in 5 years from now the new you bump into her on the street, what would that guy say? Right now you’re dealing with the hurt from what’s happening.

I wouldn’t go out my way to call her. If you see her in passing then sure.

That fire stick was a lot to say if you are done. Then you confront her about OM and she defends the other guy saying you are trying to ruin him? This is your W taking to you like this?

If you are truly done, this could be the break away moment for you. If you’re emotional from it, give yourself some time to cool off and become level headed.

[AnotherStander]

Decided to just tell the W that I know and give him an opportunity to come clean.

Not sure what you mean by that, but it's not your job to make him "come clean", that's his mess to worry about. You've got a big enough mess with your wife engaging in an affair. What are you going to do about THAT is the real question. If you're pinning hopes on exposing everything and breaking up her affair so that she will run back into your arms, well it rarely if ever happens that way. Usually the WAS just resents the LBS for it and goes deeper with the A, or goes out and finds OM2, OM3, etc.

She tried to say they are separated, but was all over the place with "I don't know; yes she knows; no; their separated; oh you just want to ruin his life (what's there to ruin if their separated?);etc..."

An affair is an affair is an affair. She's married to you and messing around with an OM, that is an affair. It doesn't matter whether he's married, single, or separated. He's banging a married woman and as such he's the filth of the earth in my opinion.

Tomorrow is her bday and I strongly feel like I shouldn't even say a happy bday to her, but yet... There is still this little part of me that wants to be nice to her.

Say it or don't say it, at the end of the day it doesn't really matter much. I like Adam's idea of saying it if you cross paths with her, but not going out of your way to say it to her.

[SoTorn]

Ok so I'm conflicted, I found out who the guy is. She's been going to a hotel with him while he's away for work. He's 17 yes older, married 25 yrs, 2 kids and a grandkid. I feel like I should tell his wife what's going on. I'm guessing this isn't the first time and if he's been going around doing this she's at risk of many things and I don't feel that's right. From what I know of her she doesn't deserve this at all. Thoughts?

My WW cheated with her boss. They were using company funds to finance their stays at these amazing resorts. OM and WW would think of any reason for her to have to travel and they would add two days on at a resort and expense it. OM is also married, 20 years older than my WW, has children that are still in grade school and has adult children with grandkids.

I took everyones advice and didnt tell her work, confront OM or tell his wife. I don't care about OM. Yes, he was part of what happened, but my WW was the one who made the decision to betray me. That falls solely on her. I told my WW good luck having an R with someone who cheats on his wife and thinks its ok to sleep with married women. I am sure he will change just for her. Yeah right.

[mikeyb]

So i did text her happy birthday before i seen eveyones responses. She responded with hostility, tried to say i wont be able to see her friends kids to give my goodbyes etc... I reached back out to her friend about this and she said she wont keep me from seeing them just doesnt want her kids being drilles about stuff they dont know. Im sure my W put that thought in her head. Everything i know about the affair i found on my own, i have not and will not drag anybody else into this to get details, especially children.

[IHCLACS]

Lets look at this from both sides. You're Morals and Principles? Or Her Feelings? Hmmm? Take some time Mikey. In fact. Take a lot of time to measure yourself whether its worth it. Do you want to keep your distance and be the lighthouse? Or do you want to go and end it torwards D?

[AnotherStander]

My WW cheated with her boss. They were using company funds to finance their stays at these amazing resorts. OM and WW would think of any reason for her to have to travel and they would add two days on at a resort and expense it.

That sounds like something that will blow up in his face some day. It amazes me what people think they can get away with. All it takes is for him to get called in one time to explain why he booked 4 days for a 2 day business trip. So this guy cheats on his wife with married women AND funds his escapades on his company's dollar. There's got to be a special reserved spot in hell for someone like him.

I don't care about OM. Yes, he was part of what happened, but my WW was the one who made the decision to betray me. That falls solely on her.

Yes exactly. Could have been with him or a priest, at the end of the day it doesn't matter.

So i did text her happy birthday before i seen eveyones responses. She responded with hostility, tried to say i wont be able to see her friends kids to give my goodbyes etc...

Please tell me you didn't reply to her rant! Just send the message and let that be that. She can thank you, or she can go on a tirade, neither warrants a response.

I reached back out to her friend about this and she said she wont keep me from seeing them just doesnt want her kids being drilles about stuff they dont know. Im sure my W put that thought in her head.

Don't get dragged into your W's drama, and don't put others on the firing line!

[mikeyb]

So the W came by yesterday while I was at work and moved her stuff out. We had an agreement on what we would both be taking. Well she had taken something she was not supposed to. I have a security camera set up in my office area which faces towards the hallway. I went back and reviewed it and she could be heard saying "You know he's taking that because I didn't need it and now I do" to which her friend had said to her "Then take it, it's not like he can come and get it back, he doesn't have a truck anymore"

So I sent her a text and told her that we had an agreement on what we were taking and you took something of mine. You need to return it to me, or buy me out of it. She told me no, got nasty and told me to suck it up. Then she said she would return it but in turn would take something else instead. And I said no, this is not how it works, we came to an agreement and you will give me exactly what we we agreed on, end of story.

[SoTorn]

Thats one thing my EXWW isn't fighting me on at all. I found a home, D is final as of yesterday and I am moving out on June 1st. Just have to wait for my EXWW to buy me out of the house and I will have all of my funding and be way ahead of the game.

My EXWW pretty much told me to take whatever I want from the house. The funny thing is that I don't need anything because the rental I found is furnished. Go figure. However, if she ends up selling anything I will tell her that I want half. I am considering taking my bedroom set and putting it in storage as she said she doesnt want it. I really don't want our marital bed set either.

Too bad I am moving out of my really nice huge built to spec house because of this. This was our dream home that we built together. It was supposed to be our forever home. Now its just a broken home. My kids now feel no attachment to that home.

[ovrrnbw]

You made your point to your W, save it for court now and let her look like the idiot she is.

[mikeyb]

Just a quick post since it's been a few days. Nothing new has happened, W hasn't returned what she took and nothing else has been said on it. Still no sign of her filing. I've been super busy the last 2 weeks. Still don't have a manager over my department at work so I've been working a pretty crazy schedule. That will change next week on Wednesday when the new manager comes in. During all this I've been packing like crazy when I'm home. I have 1 more week here and then I'm gone. Almost done packing, have some few odds and ends in the sheds to finish up and then my essentials that I've kept out. My dad will be coming by this weekend with a box truck and off to storage it will all go. Then the strap comes out and I'll be tightening down my budget to save as much as I can over the next 2 months. I really don't want to put any more of a burden then that on my friend, he's already done enough for me through all this.

On a side note, I was outside washing "love bugs" (if you don't know what they are google them, they're awful!) of my car and my landlord was driving by. She stopped in to see how I was doing, and made sure to let me know that if I ever needed a reference don't hesitate. She also said that the W is all over the place when talking to her. Apparently the W is going away for a while, but will be back. Not sure exactly what that's about, or even the reason she felt compelled to tell our landlord about that when we are ending our lease in 7 days.

[mikeyb]

Man, been so busy that with so many things are going on in my head It completely slipped my mind, but over the weekend I had gone to that concert that I won tickets for last month. Didn't manage to get anyone to come with me but none the less I had a great time. Had me a few drinks and came out of my shell a bit with some random people. Really enjoyed myself, it was a much needed break away from everything.

[Ready2Change]

... came out of my shell a bit with some random people. Really enjoyed myself....

Become the guy that will talk to anyone about anything.

[AnotherStander]

Stay strong Mikey! I know it's a tough time right now trying to pack everything up while continuing to hold down a job and get everything sorted but you're doing great!

[mikeyb]

So the W keeps texting me the last 2 days, i haven't responded. First was about getting rid of an old couch that she was responsible for and asking me stuff she already knew. Then today asking me how we were going to handle cleaning the place for move out and another about notarizing the divorce papers. Which I won't be doing since she took it upon herself to modify our agreement by taking something that was mine. If I get it back, then fine I'll do it. But if not, then there is no agreement to get notarized.

[mikeyb]

So tonight is my last night here, everything is packed up and 99.9% of my stuff is out. Just my essentials left. I was up early today cleaning and finishing up when next thing I know my W is in the house. She began by asking what I needed her to do I said whatever you want. I know what I need to do and I'm doing it. Then she asked about me signing the D filing papers in which I said we had an agreement and you broke that by taking something you weren't supposed to so there is no longer any agreement to sign. She went on and on saying its worth nothing and I don't need it yada yada yada. That is all besides the point, she can't just decide out of the blue that she's gonna change our agreement like that and not even discuss it with me. She then said so your going to make me go the expensive way about it then, in which I said that is your choice, I'm not the one that is stopping this from happening, you broke our agreement. Some more things were said where she tried to make everything that happened my fault. She was also trying to get me to tell her where I'm going and asking if the dogs will be safe in which I said don't worry about it, you haven't been worried about these dogs for over 6 months why start now. But whatever, then she said she'd come by later and help clean. Right after that a friend called me and I took the call and shes like ok, then see you later and left.

Then she came by tonight to help finish things up and asked me again about signing and I simply said no. Then when we were done I was in the other room and she goes "well, I guess this is it.......... Bye" and I responded with "bye' and then I came walking out the room and she was standing there staring at me and then did a nervous smile and I said what, she said nothing... Bye so I said "ok bye" and that was that.

Tomorrow morning I'll be making my last few runs with my things, drop my pets off at my parents and I'll be away from this place.

[ovrrnbw]

Sounds like she wants to be a brat, don't play along just do what's right for you.

[SteveLW]

mikeyb, I love how you handled most of this. Stand your ground, you are gaining her respect! I'm also a huge proponent of not making D easy for the walkaway. I made sure my WW knew that if she filed it would be the long, expensive, process that she was trying to avoid. You can't stop someone from divorcing you, but you can make it difficult for them!

[mikeyb]

mikeyb, I love how you handled most of this. Stand your ground, you are gaining her respect! I'm also a huge proponent of not making D easy for the walkaway. I made sure my WW knew that if she filed it would be the long, expensive, process that she was trying to avoid. You can't stop someone from divorcing you, but you can make it difficult for them!

Yup, I'm not trying to stop her but I'm also not going to pushed around and expected to meet her demands. Not gonna happen. Anyway about to load up my last bit of stuff, leave my key and be gone. I've gotten a new phone number as well since we were on her mom's plan and she was being difficult with letting me port the number so I said whatever and just got a new one. The W was trying to get me to give it to her and I said no. She was trying to find out where I was going, wouldn't tell her. If she needs to get ahold of me for something she has ways of doing so without that information.

[mikeyb]

Update: I'm now officially moved and all settled in at my friends house. The dogs are doing well at my parents, so things are pretty good. The W did deal a pretty massive blow to me and she knew it would. On friday, my last day at the old place. I was loading up the last of my stuff and my landlord wanted to do a walkthrough of the place. So the LL came by, mentioned a few things that needed some cleaning. Nothing major, and I was outside talking with her afterwards and giving her my key when the W pulled up. She asked about the walkthrough, deposit, etc... I went back inside to take care of those things for the LL and she started to load up her last few things into her car.

Well before she left, she came inside and asked if I wanted to say bye to the kids while she had them (Note for those not following the sitch, it's her friends kids I've grown attached too) at first I didn't want too, because I knew what she was doing, but I also knew the kids seen me then since I was outside when she pulled up and I couldn't do that to them. So I went outside and she just got into the drivers seat and I opened the back door and started to talk to them. The youngest (2yo) was in and out of a nap and she opened her eyes and seen me then jumped to fully awake screaming MIKEY!! I just about lost it, held it together though and gave them hugs and kisses, told them I missed them and love them. Then I started to tear up and had to say bye, shut the door and walked away. And the W just slammed the car into reverse and full speed pulled away, knowing she got a good final blow on me.

So Friday, was a very physically, emotionally, mentally draining day.

[ovrrnbw]

Haha Mikey your W is a brat. And it's only a blow if you let it be a blow. You got to say farewell to the kids. It wasn't about your W, it was about the little twerps that you have memories with! That's how I see it anyways...

[mikeyb]

Haha Mikey your W is a brat. And it's only a blow if you let it be a blow. You got to say farewell to the kids. It wasn't about your W, it was about the little twerps that you have memories with! That's how I see it anyways...

Ya I agree, it was good to see them even if it was only for a few minutes. She just knew it was gonna be an emotional blow to me is all. Oh well, I'm far away now and time to move on with MY life now.

[mikeyb]

Just checking in, it's been 10 days now since I've moved to my friends house. I've had ZERO contact with the W since move out day. Things have been going pretty well here, pretty much keeping to myself as I don't want to intrude too much in my friends family life. Work has been pretty slow the past week and cut our hours a bit. Not exactly what I need right now but I'll manage. Other than that it's been work/home not a whole lot going on right now.. Next weekend I'll be going to my parents to visit my dogs, might also get out and play some disc golf with friends, and possibly busch gardens, and might go see a movie... Who knows.

[mikeyb]

Ok, so need some advice.

The MIL called me today about the final bills for the old place, ok no biggie all squared away. Well apparently my W wants to bring me the dresser that she took so she could proceed to the paperwork. So the MIL asked me if that was it and all done. At which I said no, because I've sat down and went back over everything and there was some stuff missed. We had a cell phone service up until just before BD in which time we switched to be on the MIL plan and cancelled the service. At which time I got a $1,600 bill for the old service. I told her we needed to come to an agreement on that bill in which the MIL said absolutely not and that the W will not be paying it. And she went as far as to say for me to not pay it and just let it hit my credit, which is already in rough shape but I am working towards fixing it.

At this time my W does not have my phone number but I set up a google voice # as a free secondary pseudo # that I can call & text on. I was going to send the W this text in regards to the situation:

It's ****, Going forward anything to do with the divorce is between me & you. I will no longer be discussing anything to do with it with your mother. There are things that still need to be addressed that were missed when we went over everything and if you don't want to take care of them then fine, I will just discuss it with a lawyer. This isn't my permanent number but you can reach me at it.

Yay or Nay??

[Ready2Change]

H: "W, I would like to keep this process moving forward. Here is a list of things that I believe still need to be addressed:


1) $1600 phone bill. This was a joint expense that occurred while we were together. I Expect half for $800.
2) Return or purchase of the dresser. I value it at $xxx dollars. A check of the dresser.
3) Return or purchase of these other items.


Thank you for your attention to this matter."


I recommend email for this type of communication. Texting more like :I sent you an email"

[mikeyb]

H: "W, I would like to keep this process moving forward. Here is a list of things that I believe still need to be addressed:


1) $1600 phone bill. This was a joint expense that occurred while we were together. I Expect half for $800.
2) Return or purchase of the dresser. I value it at $xxx dollars. A check of the dresser.
3) Return or purchase of these other items.


Thank you for your attention to this matter."


I recommend email for this type of communication. Texting more like :I sent you an email"

Thanks! I went this route and sent her this, no text:

Subject: Moving forward with the divorce

W,

I would like to keep the process moving forward. Here is a list of things that I feel still need to be addressed.

1) Old cell phone bill of $1,600.84 This was a joint expense that occurred while we were together and I expect 50% payment for this bill of $800.42
2) Return or purchase of the dresser. If you choose to purchase it I value it at $65
3) Return of my personal belongings noted below:
*Overkill Jacket
*Mtn Dew Dewshine Cup
Please respond with how you would like to proceed with these.

I appreciate your attention to this matter.

**** ******

[ovrrnbw]

As for the MIL, just show her you won't discuss the divorce or relationship or anything with her. Your MIL is as big a brat as the W. In fact, I don't see much that you need to discuss with your MIL at the moment.

[job]

Please start a new thread and link both threads together.

[mikeyb]

Part 3: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2853591&#Post2853591