Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Gets weirder as the night goes on...just got a text from H asking if some friends of his can stay the night here. I haven't met them before (husband and wife) he was deployed with the husband 2 years ago and realized that his father in law has some land next to ours. Small world. Anyway, they are in town and have a camper and apparently, H is out there and wants them to stay here? I haven't heard back from him. I texted back "are you staying too?" with a wink. IDK. Bizarre land up in here.

On one hand I want to say "looks like you should see if they want to stay with you at your apartment" but part of my 180 is not being a reactive b.

Any advice for these times when he acts like he lives here. Thanks ya'll.

[97Hope]

Worked cows together this am. Went as usual. Was invited to go pick up hay, but declined. I don't want to be available for everything.

Detaching is becoming easier as this goes on. You guys are so right. Working on myself and letting him go has been the best thing I could have done.

I can't imagine letting him control my emotions every moment like in the beginning. It was hell.

Now I'm just kind of doing what I think it right, based on my faith. Not concerned with his reaction/response/thoughts or feelings on the matter. I don't know if we are definitely headed for D, but I know I will be ok no matter what.

That feels like a huge victory. I wonder if I will still feel like that if/when it actually comes down to it. On the other hand, I wonder what I would say if he said he was ready to come home. Based on his actions, he isn't someone I want to live with. He has to work on himself too. I know Michelle's books say, that can come later. I'm wondering when that later is.

For now, he has his place, I'm at home and I'll focus on that so I don't drive myself bonkers.

I sure hope anyone reading this is in a good place. I didn't think it was possible to do this and be ok, but here I am. If you aren't ok, reach out and get good solid support. And take care of yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. That has been, for me, the difference in how this has gone.

Thanks, ya'll.

[97Hope]

Holy cannoli. Today went to hell in a hand basket.

After my last post, we all went to lunch - H, S17 & nephew who came to help work cows.

When we got back to the house, I went in to take a shower and told H I was going to take a nap. He came in while I was in the shower and said he was going to nap too and was looking for some clothes. when I came out of the bathroom, he was in our bed. No big deal, we still sleep together on vacations, trips, etc. I'm trying to sleep, he reaches for me, I reach back and all of a sudden he says "I can't". I stopped and said "you don't want to?" He said "I want to. I just can't. It makes this too hard"

Oh my word. I am his wife! I felt really hurt by the rejection. So I said, "OK" and went to the store to get out. Asked him if he wanted anything, picked up some things for us both and when I got back, he acted like nothing happened, but I could see it all over him that he was hurting, too.

Then he asked me to go out to feed the cows. I did. While out there I said..."you know what? You have been very clear and very honest about where you are. You said quite some time ago that you feel like you are using me when we have S and that you hate yourself for it later. I do not want to add to any bad feelings you have. I'm sorry for my part in what happened earlier"

He apologized, too. then i said (because I can't seem to help myself"...yes. rejection stinks, but it's you not me, because anyone who wouldn't hit this has the problem" and we both laughed.

After that, he sat on the porch with me and we talked about the kids, the grandkids and the flowers etc. He left her and I felt better, but have decided that no matter what he does or how I feel...I'm not having S with him again.

I am a little sad about that. A lot sad, TBH. Feels like another nail in the M coffin. But I know that I don't want to feel that rejection again.

Going to go to bed early tonight. A lot of driving for work and long hours, and not getting enough sleep is catching up with me. And I never did get my nap today.

Hoping for an awesome sermon tomorrow and looking forward to serving coffee and then have a beauty appointment. I do enjoy doing that for myself.

Take care, friends.

[97Hope]

journaling...

Another great day at the office. I love the people I'm working with on this current project. I am so busy during the day and feel upbeat and positive and happy...about the time I look at the clock and realize it's time to go home, I feel a gut-punch.

H lives somewhere else. It can still feel surreal. I wonder how long I'll feel like that. It takes less time to talk myself down (so I'm thankful for that) but that hollow feeling stays with me a lot.

Reflecting back on the past 20 months since BD and I'm wondering why he hasn't just filed. Aside from a consult with an L, he hasn't done anything. A year ago December he said he was definitely going to file after the first. Now he says he doesn't want a D but can't be married to me anymore. But he's not doing anything. He goes to work, he goes to church, he comes here (a LOT) and goes to his apt.

It doesn't help to wish he would see an IC again. He didn't get very far with his last one. Didn't know what to talk about.

I'm hoping for his own sake that he is able to open up to someone who isn't afraid to give him a 2x4 when he needs it. That has been what has saved me from my feelings/mind and self.

I admire those of you on here who don't focus on your WAS/MLC. I seem to float back into wondering about him and worrying about him and in my mind, seeing how much better life would be if he would just look at this sitch rationally.

We really didn't have a horrendous M. I'm not the devil. He's no picnic, but we have such an amazing family/life together.

Detaching is still a work in progress (obviously!) I just don't want to talk about my sitch with anyone. I'd rather just journal it here. No one has answers anyway.

Just airing out my head.

Had plans for dinner with my S17 tonight, but he's still out in the pasture with H. I don't resent time he spends with his dad, but it would be better to get on a schedule.

That's def. on my to-do list.

Thanks for reading. Advice/comments always welcome. I hope this finds you full of joy in the midst of your messes.

Take care, friends.

[AnotherStander]

H lives somewhere else. It can still feel surreal. I wonder how long I'll feel like that.

Dropping the rope is a funny thing. It happens very slowly over time, and several times along the way you'll think you've dropped it, but later you'll realize you were still hanging on for dear life. When you quit wondering whether you've dropped it is when you've dropped it

Reflecting back on the past 20 months since BD and I'm wondering why he hasn't just filed.

One thing that is almost universally consistent is that when the LBS removes all pressure, the WAS almost never files. Most of the time when the WAS files it's immediately in the aftermath of BD when the LBS is applying massive pressure and making them feel like they need to escape. But remove the pressure and they are almost always content to slip it onto the back burner.

I admire those of you on here who don't focus on your WAS/MLC. I seem to float back into wondering about him and worrying about him and in my mind, seeing how much better life would be if he would just look at this sitch rationally.

You'll eventually realize that he's never going to get "back to normal" or snap out of it and look at things rationally. That's not in the cards. When you do you'll also realize he's not worth all the mental exertion.

I hope this finds you full of joy in the midst of your messes.

The mess is in the rearview mirror so far back I can't even see it anymore. And it will be the same for you soon. Maybe you'll recon and maybe you won't, but great things are in your future

[97Hope]

Thank you so much, AnotherStander. I really appreciate and value your input.

I'm so glad you can't see the mess anymore. I'm very hopeful about my future now. I have my moments, for sure, but overall feel like I'm in the best place that I have every been spiritually, emotionally and even physically.

As the days go by, I find myself thinking of him less and less. The days when I drift there, I have noticed that I spent too much time with him.

Slowly but surely finding my balance.

[Tryhard]

It takes time , just keep going forward and it will get better , step by step , before you know it you’ll be running with a big smile on your face. Keep going you can do it , I am rooting for you !!

[97Hope]

thanks, Try! The encouragement helps a ton!! I have been smiling more lately. H has def noticed. He thinks its the job. Asks about it every time I see him. It's def gotten better being around him. I have found that he tells me more and more the less I ask. I quit asking at first not to crowd him, but now, I just don't want/need to know anything. I sort of need to know when he's out of town, but def not where and who he's going with and what he does while he's gone.

Small setback (sort of ) today. It looked like he wasn't wearing his wedding ring, and for a second I got that yucky feeling in my gut. I hate that it matters to me. But I'm trying to accept myself in where I am in my journey. Balance. Looking for balance.

All of you who read/respond have been like a lifeline to me. Thank you so much.

[Tryhard]

I feel sad for you in regards to the ring . Those type of moments come from out of the blue and hit hard . I think this is where detachment helps , but I assume they will get fewer as time goes on . I hope you are still taking care of yourself

[97Hope]

Thanks. Is it weird that it's comforting knowing that someone feels sad for you? It did kind of punch me for a second. When I say that he was still wearing it, I had a talk with myself, and will probably continue to do so. I need to be ok no matter what he does next. Yes, I am definitely taking care of myself!! I sat on the couch most of the day saturday and it was GLORIOUS!! ha. I needed to rest, so I did. zero guilt!

My biggest struggle, STILL, is not allowing what he says give me hope, or take it away. Definitely a work in progress.

Was weird last night. He was sooooo complimentary and flirty. He has days like that where he just can't take his eyes off of me, and gets almost a little gropey! IDK. Try not to let it build me up, because those falls when he does something weird can't break me. I spent too much time tossed and turned by it.

I am happy to say that the waves are smaller as time goes on, and they aren't as scary as they used to be.

He's out of town until Saturday and I'm actually liking the break! When he left, he was sad. S17 noticed and I didn't comment. I am really and truly happy right now. I'm liking this feeling too much to be hoovered back into drama.

He has also initiated two R talks lately. I validated and only spoke when he asked me a question, but I don't really feel it's helpful to R talk anymore. Either he wants a R with me or he doesn't, but re-hashing it doesn't help, I think.
Anyone have any advice on that? I know Michelle says to let them initiate R talks, but do we get to a point where we just say "enough". I don't want to just listen anymore. I know you are/were unhappy. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm not in that place anymore and I want to focus on my future. with or without you. I'm done rehashing the past.

Thanks for reading and walking this road with me. Take care of yourselves, friends!