Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Thank you Allison! I really like your responses. I also read your story last night/yesterday. I can definitely work on those convos and try and do better. I do find that when I agree with H, he argues less! In the moment, however; I find it incredibly frustrating to take the blame for the sky being blue. If I had that much control, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I feel less alone after reading here and am incredibly grateful for the community. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. It means a great deal to me.

[Tryhard]

You are a wonderful caring person, don’t sell yourself short, you are one of us , do what is right , that is all you can do , be true to yourself.

[97Hope]

Thank you, Try. I'm doing my very best.


My DIL called tonight and she has a million questions. I answered honesty about my own issues, which she already knew about, but a quick review of Sandi's rules said don't involve the family. She and my S are 21 with baby of their own. On one hand, they are our family, on the other hand I don't want them to pick sides and on both hands, they know what is up and I don't ever want them to get here or one of them to bolt.

[97Hope]

Had a pretty great day today, although a little weird. Went to a skeet shoot/barbecue and as I was getting ready, H calls to ask if I have enough shells and told me where to find the extras and what gun would be the best for 'us' to use for that day etc. Told him that I needed to go because I was trying to load the car and he offered to bring the skeet thrower out. To the party. That I didn't know he was planning on attending.

I had put it on my calendar (which he can see. I didn't change it because I'm stubborn and I'm not going to act like we are headed for the big D even if he does!) but I didn't think he was going. He had told me last night that he was coming here to do some work and didn't mention it.

At any rate, I got to the party, was able to eat a little (sad stomach) and he got there and I kind of cycled through the party so I didn't act like we usually do.

These are new-ish friends of ours but very sweet people. I tried very hard to do my own thing, but he acted as if we were there together, for instance, he let me know when he was going over there to get something, or, I'm going home because we need more of x. I told him I was happy to go because I needed a bigger jacket, but he said he would drive. Rode to the house and back with him. Got back and during the skeet shooting he was over-helpful with me. Like he used to be/always is. Like we are an 'us'. As I was making my rounds to leave, I told him goodbye, he started walking me out to the car. A lady I met there stopped me to see if I wanted to go fishing. I said "i'd love to! I'll hang out on the boat and watch you" and we talked about how it hurts my feelings to see fish on the line. (I don't know. I like to eat fish, but I get sad watching them die).

During this convo, the lady asks H if he fishes and they talk about that for a bit. H continues to act like we are this happy couple making plans to get together with new friends.

Anyway, walked me to the car, loaded my things into it for me and he said it was weird because while we didn't necessarily want more kids, it was sad that we could not have any more. ???

He mentioned something about another couple we used to go out with a lot and I said, Oh, I'm going out with them tonight. and he acted surprised and a little sad. Told him I'd let him know and if he wanted to he could join us.

I don't know if I'm doing this "right". He acts like we are totally fine when we go out. As a matter of fact, we have gone out more since BD than before. Dancing, dinners, fund raisers, you name it. And we always have a great time.

Wondering if I should quit going out with him? Do I just live my life and leave him out? It's very counterintuitive to me to leave him out when I want the M to work.

We have had dinner 2 times together since he moved out, but it was because I was already headed out when he was here and he joined me. that was several weeks ago and he has since been a little more distant.

Confusing times.

Did learn that I do so enjoy shooting skeet. I have the setup to do it whenever I want and I'm thrilled to have a GAL activity! I have not been able to find a whole lot that makes me feel good.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Sunday was interesting. Got a text as I was walking into Church (H goes to a different one now at an earlier service) and He says he was planning on coming to the house around 2 to work. Let him know that was fine, I had plans after church and would be around at some point. When I got here, he was mowing the grass and planting more flowers.

Here's the thing. He has been out a lot getting the yard work done for spring. This might make me feel good but he has every intention of keeping the house because I will not be able to afford it. Talking to a L soon to see how I can keep it/if I should and sell. We only moved here 3 years ago. IDK. Most days, he talks to me about what he has planted and even asks what kind of trees I want, where 'we' should plant them etc. It depends on the day, he uses "we' statements a lot sometimes "we need to do x for next year, in the fall we will do x" but still maintains that he moved out for clarity and believes that this is heading for D.

So I listen and try not to get hopes up or down.

We did the ranch work together, came in and were having a racy convo when S17 got home, so had to change the topic. I still flirt back if he starts it, but I don't if he doesn't first. Hey. I like being flirted with by my H!

Anyway, he was completely out there with flirting with me in front of S17, and I was shocked. I am so glad I'm able to let it roll. Just like to post here and see what you think, wisened DBers!

Today I worked again. H called and asked what I had planned for dinner. Told him a steak. He asked if me and S17 were just going to share one, I said yes, but if you want to join us, pull another one. He said "no. I was going to feed him since you are working out of town" Let him know that I would be home to do dinner. Was kind of irked that he wanted to feed the grown boy before I got home. Sorry. I didn't move out. You did. I don't enjoy eating by myself if I have a choice, you eat by yourself in your self-imposed hotel decor apt in town. Consequences, man!

Anyway. He was here when I got home. I was a little surprised he hadn't left. Just sitting on the couch talking to S17. When I came in he started singing "9 to 5" and was in a great mood. Asked me all about my day and my job etc. Talked for a bit and he left.

This is so weird. I do not know this person.

Standing firm, fighting the good fight. Glad I have a job for the next 2 weeks. They love me there and treat me like they value me as a person. I have to tell you, that feels so GREAT. I haven't felt valued in many many years.

Thanks for reading. Drop me a line if you see something I can work on.

[Living]

97Hope,

I know what you’re going through. They throw us some crumbs and we get our hopes up. The best things is to keep your expectations at zero. This helps when their behavior changes from one day to the next...sometimes from one minute to the next. Keep being kind to your H and continue to work on you. That’s all you can do, is work on you. Sending you hugs!

[97Hope]

Exactly, living. crumbs. I've learned after 19 months of this NOT to get my hopes up...or down for that matter. It's a learning process.

Thanks for the hugs. I could use them. I am exhausted after working again after so long staying at home. Drive to and from is a little over an hour each way. Not bad by some standards. Gives me time to listen to a sermon on the way there in the AM and sing my head off on the way home.

My uncle is in final stages of life after drinking most of his life. He's not doing well. I shared that with H and H was clueless as to his own issues. (as expected)

DIL (22) called last night. She is very confused. Told her she would have to call H to get his side of things and she said that S(21) asked her not too. Why is no one in this whole family confronting him on anything? They never have. I would be shocked if they ever did. I don't even think he will listen to anyone at this point, but it might be nice if they told him how they felt about all this.

Anyway, my contract was extended for another 3 weeks, so I have to get used to working full time! I'm happy that they want me around. Nice to be needed...even if it's just for work. But hey, I'm feeling a little desperate!

H is here working on the yard again. I waved as I pulled in the drive, but I have too much to do to hang out with him out there. That is a 180 for me. I normally would go out and help him work.

Feeling like he's getting ready to tell me he's ready to file. Trying my best not to focus on what he does/doesn't do. Some days it's better than others.

Would love to be ok either way. I know in my heart that I will be ok. and I'm in such a better place than I was at the initial BD, but man I do NOT want to put myself or this sweet family through a D.

Thanks for reading. Ya'll hang in there stay strong.

[97Hope]

today was a great day. I had a fantastic day at work. I repeat myself, but it is SOOOO great feeling valued. I didn't realize how low I was until I was excited to be around people who smile when they see me. H was here when I got home. S17 and I had dinner plans and S told H he was welcome to join us. H declined. I'm not surprised. I've stopped asking him if he wants to eat with us. Tonight didn't bother me a bit that he didn't come along.

I realized today that I was so busy at work, I didn't have time to think about my sitch.

Prayed with a friend this morning. I know that helped a lot. I think I will focus more on God and less on this situation.

Thankful that I'm not as sad and depressed as I was last week. Man I tanked!

S17 and I sang all the way home in the car tonight and it was great to laugh and just let go with him. I hope that I can bee a good example in this.

DILs (21) & (25) are calling/texting checking up on me. They want to know what's going on. I have referred them to H. I'm not saying another word about any of this to them unless they ask me a direct question about me.

Thankful for days like this and trying to journal it before I go to bed. I need reminders of the hope I have in God, even when it's dark, I feel a great deal of comfort and peace.

I pray that for all of you tonight. Thanks for reading.

[Ready2Change]

Glad to hear your day was great.


HUGS

[97Hope]

Thanks Ready!! Hugs back : )

Today was so bizarre. I'm trying to tone down my heart from overflowing. It's a struggle.

My mom called to say that my uncle (her brother) had a heart attack and isn't going to make it (long life struggle with alcoholism). I was about 2 hours away from her. I called H to let him know (since we've been married for 23 years, my family and he remain very close). Anyway, H was very sweet while I was crying about my uncle and said "what can I do". I said that was very sweet, and we talked for a minute.

Anyway, I left work and my mom called to say not to come, go on home (I live an hour away in the opposite direction) and then I get a text from H. "Do you want me to come up there?" I texted back, no, mom said she would like to meet up for lunch on sunday, if you want to join us, she would love to see you.

Next thing I know, I'm a mile away from home and H calls. He says "according to the GPS you are almost home!" I'm almost to your moms house!!

I couldn't believe it. He drove 2 hours to help me with that and I didn't ask. I sure didn't expect it.

Like I said, I'm trying not to think on it, but my heart almost melted with how sweet it was for him to leave whatever he was doing and drive all that way to support me.

That's all for tonight. I'm emotionally drained. I am trying to process another loss. There have been quite a few in the last couple of years.

I still feel strong and at peace (thank you, God) and plan on watching a movie and eating whatever the heck I want for dinner as the boy S17 is working tonight.

Hope you all are finding joy even in this situation.

God Bless.