You are a good man Kiro. Im glad everything seems to be looking up for you. My sitch seems to be in the "it will get worse before it gets better" stage. The "better" for me is having the final divorce decree in hand.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
You are a good man Kiro. Im glad everything seems to be looking up for you. My sitch seems to be in the "it will get worse before it gets better" stage. The "better" for me is having the final divorce decree in hand.
Hi SoTorn, I will try to read your thread to know more about what's going on in your sitch.
I have been very busy with work, the kids, and all the stuff still going on with my D filing. I made the mistake to let my STBXW take the lead in choosing the mediator and the lawyer for our D, but she did a horrible job and made very bad choices. I warned her but she didn't want to listen. So, we ended up with a very poor settlement agreement. It took her several months before realizing that I was right. So basically, we had to rewrite the entire agreement from scratch and we spent a few extra thousands to do that. But I decided to take the lead this time, and since I started running the show, things are progressing in the right direction.
Other than that, I don't know what to believe anymore about all these sitch's we are all in. Prior to all of this, life seemed very simple. I am an honest and sincere person. I have my flaws, but I never play games with anyone. I say what I think and I do what I say.
I don't know if we can conclude anything from all these stories other than realizing that people are really complicated.
MLC? Until now, I have no proof if MLC is a real thing or not. The problem with any psychological and/or emotional disorder is that it's very subjective. It's almost like diagnosing someone with ADHD. All the criteria are based on subjective questionnaires.
In my simple mind, I will never understand why people decide to leave a marriage that has no serious problems. There seems to be much more potential to be happy staying in the MR and fixing any issues through honest communication, love and kindness.
But, it doesn't really matter... Life goes on with or without the person who decided to leave. We become stronger. We learn a lot about ourselves in the process and we start over. And we don't need to live with any regrets or any feeling of guilt because we tried our best. So Yes, it definitely gets better. And then, at some point, it just gets normal without the need to use any comparatives.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
In my simple mind, I will never understand why people decide to leave a marriage that has no serious problems. There seems to be much more potential to be happy staying in the MR and fixing any issues through honest communication, love and kindness.
I wonder if on the WW death bed in hindsight the overwhelming response would be "if I could do it over again I wish I would have worked harder on saving my marriage"?
In my simple mind, I will never understand why people decide to leave a marriage that has no serious problems. There seems to be much more potential to be happy staying in the MR and fixing any issues through honest communication, love and kindness.
I wonder if on the WW death bed in hindsight the overwhelming response would be "if I could do it over again I wish I would have worked harder on saving my marriage"?
I will never understand people that have abortions. Or people that kill other people. Or people that pollute body and mind with drugs and alcohol. Or people that abuse children. Or rapists. The list goes on and on and on.
But it boils down to one thing: freewill. Since the dawn of man, humans have decided to do things because they could. This is why it is so utterly important to be differentiated. To not rely on another human for your own happiness. You have one person on this blue planet that you can control. So focus on that.
LH, maybe they do, maybe they don't. I guess it really doesn't matter. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. My goal is to, on my deathbed, be able to say I handled the 90% to the best of my ability!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve You are correct, but in most of these other situations, the person is seeking a personal benefit in his/her pusuit of happiness. A person who kills will either be looking to steal money or gain some sort of benefit. Someone who has abortion wants the joy and pleasure of sex without the burden of kids. And so on.
I don’t understand how these people can miss the clear signs of a higher Power (i.e. God) and think they can get away with these selfish and immoral acts. But I do understand the ephemeral pleasures and perceived happiness that they can get.
But my question in the separation/divorce situation is that I can’t even find any benefit or possible joy from leaving a healthy marriage and a stable family. For a sane person, it just seems like a really dumb choice altogether.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
In my simple mind, I will never understand why people decide to leave a marriage that has no serious problems. There seems to be much more potential to be happy staying in the MR and fixing any issues through honest communication, love and kindness.
That's your point-of-view. Here is your wife's: This marriage has been a miserable mess for a long time. My husband has not been there for me emotionally in so long that I feel like I'm crawling through a desert of neglect. I've reached out to him over and over again and he just blows me off and goes back to watching TV, sometimes turning the volume up to drown me out. He doesn't help around the house, and if I don't do everything just so then he gets mad at me and tells me I'm a slob. He rarely if ever shows appreciation for the things that I do. If I ask him to do anything at all- pick up the kids, stay home with a sick kid, pick up something at the store, he acts like it's the biggest inconvenience ever and will only do it after a lot of eye-rolling and complaining. He is constantly sarcastic. He complains non-stop about everything from weather to politics to work but if I say one word in complaint myself then he gripes about how I dump all my problems on him. I hate this miserable marriage and I'm pretty sure he does too. I feel terrible about what this will do to my children, and I'm scared about whether I can make it on my own. But I can't take this anymore, I really need out. I'm desperate, and feel like leaving is my last chance to find a shred of happiness in life.
And now that I've finally told him, he actually wants to work on things???? Why now? Why after years of treating me like a roommate does he suddenly want to shower me with love and attention? It has taken me so long to get up the courage to do this, and now he wants me to forget it all and start over? Why, so he can act like a knight in shining armor for a month or two and then fall right back into the same old habits? Where will that leave me? Even more miserable. I can't do that. Not now, not after all I've been through.
And how dare he use the kids, our friends and even my own parents against me!!!!! He thinks this is all in my head, that I'm "sick" and he has no fault in this! Oh sure he's said he's sorry, but just a generic "oh I'm sorry it won't happen again" way. He still doesn't even know what he did wrong, nor does he want to know, he just wants everything to go right back to normal. Him on the couch, me picking up his crap and hating my life. But he wants me to go to counseling because he thinks I need help??? The only help I need is getting out of this mess.
Kiro, this is what we're all up against. This is absolutely not minor stuff.
Originally Posted by LH19
I wonder if on the WW death bed in hindsight the overwhelming response would be "if I could do it over again I wish I would have worked harder on saving my marriage"?
I would say probably not. Because often, they did work hard to save it. We just turned a blind eye to their efforts. We didn't recognize the warning signs.
AS, you put a big smile on my face. I know I said I had a simple mind, but I guess it's not that simple not to understand that of course she has her own justifications and reasoning to explain her decision. lol :))
I agree that this is probably what they think and there is a big chance that they will never see the other point of view. And this is why I agree that they'll probably never regret their decision, not even on their deathbed.
But I maintain my point that I still don't understand how someone can think that they will be happier ending a MR that didn't have any major problems before trying to talk about these issues and fixing them.
I'm saying this with confidence because I did the work that I needed to do. I had the awakening I needed after BD and I was able to face myself and admit all my wrongdoings. And to be honest, once I had the courage and the modesty to admit my flaws and start working on them, I realized how easy it was to fix myself.
And when I listened to my W complain about all the bad things I did to her, I just want to laugh because all her reasons are very trivial and ridiculous. Really?! You want to give up family life, stability, moral values, religious beliefs, financial security.. and so much more because I once unplugged her phone charger next to her bed or because she didn't like the gift I got her 10 years ago, ...
No. I'm sorry but it's all B.S.
And you know what? Until now, she was never able to tell me what is really wrong. She never expressed her misery when we were married. She actually seemed quite happy most of the time. And then, all of a sudden, she said she wanted to leave and that she had been unhappy for many many years, but even then she never opened up and told me what was really wrong. When I tell her that I had no idea and I don't understand, she seems surprised and expects me to just know what is wrong!
Nope! I don't buy it. This makes no sense. You seem happy and you don't say anything. Then, all of a sudden you're unhappy and want to leave, but you don't say what's wrong. Come on... That's b.s. That's someone who doesn't understand the value of living happy.
Life is much simpler than this. You deal with someone else with respect and love. If they act inappropriately, you let them know. If for some reason, you don't know how to express yourself, you seek help or you ask to go to MR counselling to help you communicate.
My point is that deciding to work on the MR can be a beautiful thing if the 2 partners are fully committed. Divorce is just a mess for everyone. I don't understand how someone can think that they are better off leaving at an older age and think that they can throw everything away and be happy. No one can get out of their skin and erase all their history.
To me, it's just dumb thinking.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
And you know what? Until now, she was never able to tell me what is really wrong. She never expressed her misery when we were married.
H said to me once "Couldn't you tell I was unhappy?" Uh, excuse me. Couldn't you say something to me?
I don't buy it either. I understand H so much more now that I've discovered the extent of his lying and cheating. He can't face me. That's a problem. But, he can't face himself. That's the biggest problem.
Originally Posted by kiro
No one can get out of their skin and erase all their history.
To me, it's just dumb thinking.
Bingo! As our MC told H. You can't divorce yourself. Unless you deal with the issues, whatever they may be, they will haunt you for the rest of your life. I'm glad I've spent these 6 months separated finding myself. I like who I'm discovering. It's the old me. The true me.
