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#2841311 03/11/19 04:40 PM
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kate11 #2841400 03/12/19 08:59 AM
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Welcome to your new thread.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
kate11 #2841453 03/12/19 03:18 PM
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Hello, I've been reading part of your last thread, very similar history of our husbands, my MIL abandoned my dh and his siblings when they were teens. And here he is doing the same, and the few times I brought up the similarities he acted like it was the most hurtful thing I'd ever said to him. I no longer bring it up as a result, but how can they not see that THEY need to break this cycle? Do they want to destroy their relationship with their kids the way their mum did with them? It is just mystifying frown I do NOT want my sons to ever end up behaving like their dad, so I am determined to stay married, to get past this MLC of his, to build a better relationship for the future. I wonder sometimes if his fear of being abandoned is so great that he tried to do it first (which is ridiculous because I would never have abandoned him). Sometimes I wonder whether a mother abandoning her kids causes more damage because the mother tends to be the primary attachment figure. It breaks my heart to see parents doing this stuff to their kids frown You will be ok though, 6 months after my dh left and I'm finally in a better place, and he is too actually.

kate11 #2841460 03/12/19 03:39 PM
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dillydaf- I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. It does seem mystifying how they cannot see the past repeating itself. I understand that the MLC is so powerful it blocks these things out but it does still amaze me how blind they really are during this. I hope that both of us can stand and save our marriages and hopefully break this cycle. Thank you for your kind support and wishing you all the best.

kate11 #2841485 03/12/19 06:20 PM
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many MLCers experienced this kind of thing where one parent left and abandoned them
MY XH did as well

All we can do for our kids is to provide a strong 1 parent unit, therapy if needed and awareness

We will only know when they hit 40-if the cycle will repeat

funny thing is my XH sister stayed M with no issues that I see, so each person is affected differently
they had the same upbringing ,,she was younger
and
my brother and I both picked MLCers-and Married them and Divorced them
and our parents stayed together until death-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
kate11 #2841616 03/13/19 07:19 PM
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Well my BIL is on his 3rd marriage and SIL is on her 2nd. I thought that dh was the one sibling who escaped the damage, but here we are, 25 years of marriage and 30 years of being together later. Nobody in my family is divorced except for my brother (and I think his ex is bipolar and actually her parents are divorced. This stuff is contagious).

It's funny, I keep going back to the time when we first got together and dh told me all about his mum leaving and how dreadfully she did it, he told me I was the first person he could trust for a long time, and he spent a lot of time telling me all about it. And he's told me over the years as well. And I feel like it's finally caught up with him never having dealt with it. I feel like ds1 hit the age that dh was when his mum started having affairs and stuff and dh started losing it. I never realised until recently how much it affected him. And I have a lot more empathy for dh now, having experienced abandonment myself. It's awful. It's the worst feeling ever. No wonder he feels so traumatised.

Anyway, sorry to hijack, just kind of thinking aloud here. Maybe if they repeat the cycle and they are blind to it, it's because it's too painful to look at the past directly? It is so hard to have any empathy for the MLC spouse but I am really trying.

Anyway, I hope things are going ok. It does get easier, I don't think anyone can stand that level of pain for too long. Keep putting one foot in front of another and working on yourself and your role in the marrige and at least you'll come out of it all a better person. There has to be some benefit out of this utter misery, right? smile

kate11 #2842548 03/19/19 03:15 PM
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I am in the process of booking a birthday trip for my kids in June and I need to purchase event tickets now before they sell out. I am not sure what I should do about my husband? I was thinking of telling him I was booking the trip and asking if he would like to come also? If he says no then I could just book it for myself and the children. I don't want it to seem like I am pressuring him to make decisions about the future though. This balancing act is hard. On the one hand, I understand exactly why I should not apply any pressure. On the other hand, life still goes on and certain things in life require advanced decisions. He's still at home but lives an almost parallel life to me. Days can go by without us seeing each other as he doesn't come downstairs in the morning until I have left for work and he often doesn't come home until I am in bed for the night. Thoughts?

kate11 #2842591 03/19/19 07:24 PM
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Kate, is there a way you can purchase a ticket and use it for someone else later if necessary (or does it have to be purchased in the name of the user)? That might give you the most flexibility and help avoid him feeling pressed or you feeling disappointed if he chooses not to come.

Your situation is a little difficult in that he lives at home, so it makes sense that he would be included in a birthday celebration. Do you normally communicate in person or in some type of writing when you have a business matter?

Either way, I would make it low key, or perhaps make it clear that you are ok with him not coming. "Kids and I are going to XYZ for child A's birthday, shall I book you a ticket?

kate11 #2842592 03/19/19 07:51 PM
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Tough one

Are you doing any activities at this point as a family or special occasions?


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
kate11 #2842623 03/19/19 10:45 PM
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Kate

It is tough

My w would get mad if I did things without her

And mad if she felt pressured to join

I did what Oneart suggested

I would buy the extra ticket and eat the cost

I made it clear

She was always welcome

But I had no expectations that she would come

Sometimes she came

Other times she did not


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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