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#2841145 03/10/19 02:57 AM
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Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2841147 03/10/19 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Yail
Originally Posted by Living
Also some of you vets have talked about how the LBS changes during this process and you’re absolutely right. I’m learning to control my actions, leading to guard my words. I’m still a work in progress but thank God I’m not the same woman that logged on here for the first time months ago. I’ve grown and he’s right something is different about me. I’m LIVING!


This is so great Living. I'm really glad to hear you were able to focus on yourself during H's guys trip, and keep the focus about you when he returned. If you can keep the focus on you I have no doubt you will continue to thrive.

What you said above made me think of something I shared with my friend. I feel like in this process that I'm going through I'm simultaneously happier than I have ever been and more desperately sad than I have ever been. I just feel like my range of emotions has exploded in both directions. I hear something similar in what you wrote - we are living out loud for the first time in perhaps years. I don't want us to ever lose that!


Yail, I agree. Although this situation we are all in is difficult, I’m so proud of the changes I’ve made.

As I’ve stated I’m a work in progress but at least I’m making progress. Glad to hear you are too! We’ve got this!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2841423 03/12/19 01:38 PM
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Help...

Ok I need some advice, I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

H had been back from his trip for a week now. Things have been ok. We’ve had some good laughs and some time together.

Before he left out of no where he says that he wants to work on the M when he got back. He said he wanted to move back into the MBR and even suggested we go to counseling.

Fast forward to him coming back home and none of the above has happened. Now let me start by saying I really didn’t put much stock into those words when he said them. I was skeptical because they came out of no where. I’m not sure what his motive was of saying he’s ready to fight for the M, moving back into the MBR, and maybe we should go to counseling.

Now he’s back and like I said he’s still sleeping in the other room and we haven’t talked about that conversation. The rules say that I shouldn’t initiate R talks. So I haven’t brought it up.

So my question is, should I? Should I ask if he still feels the same as he did before he left for his trip?

Let me throw this nugget out. Yesterday he mentions that a co-worker was looking for another job in another state. Long story short, the co-worker lives in that state but commutes to our state for work. So he’s looking for a job closer to his home that he shares with his significant other.

My H goes on to describe these jobs, he makes them sound awesome. I could see his wheels spinning so I said...so I’m guessing you’ve thought about applying for one of these positions.

He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

He then seems shocked that I said I didn’t trust him.

So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2841430 03/12/19 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Living
So my question is, should I? Should I ask if he still feels the same as he did before he left for his trip?

No. If he is truly interested in reconciling he will bring it up again.

Originally Posted by Living
So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Good answer! I probably would have left out the "I don't trust you part". Mainly because "that's not what I WANT from a marriage was a STRONG answer.

LH19 #2841433 03/12/19 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Living
So my question is, should I? Should I ask if he still feels the same as he did before he left for his trip?

No. If he is truly interested in reconciling he will bring it up again.

Originally Posted by Living
So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Good answer! I probably would have left out the "I don't trust you part". Mainly because "that's not what I WANT from a marriage was a STRONG answer.



Thanks LH19, I won’t bring up what he said before. You’re right if he’s serious about it, then he will bring it up again.

I get what you’re saying about me saying I don’t trust him. That just came out because he was really pressing me on why I wouldn’t be on board with that idea. So the trust thing just came out before I said the part about not wanting that for our M.

Truth is if he wants to go, I don’t want to be the reason he stays. Of course I should be because we are M and have built a life here. But I realize he’s going through MLC and is in the process of trying to figure out who he is. I don’t want to be the person that holds him back from that. If he feels it would be best for him to relocate for a job, that’s his choice. He has a right to make that choice. I also have a right to make the choice to not go with him.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2841456 03/12/19 03:25 PM
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Living, this hits a bit close to home for me. My W left the state for a job. I hope to pass along some of my learning from my own mistakes.

You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, but if you are intent on standing or continuing in any way with H I think this is the time to validate H's interest in another job or moving. You can still have your own desire to not move, but you need to fully hear and respect his interest.

Originally Posted by Living
He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.


My W knew my answer too (I suspect), but instead of me hearing WHY she wanted to move I just shut down. I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality to see if it was something that would work for us. This was my biggest mistake and something I regret.

In my own situation perhaps a move would have been a good thing, I don't know.

Should you move? I can't say. You may know the answer is "no" for you - and that's okay. But only say "no" after you really HEAR your H.

Originally Posted by Living
So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.


Your son's schooling is a valid concern. How you will fit in is a valid concern, though surmountable. I hope you will consider how much of this is you digging your heels in, or how much might be fear, or how much is a legitimate concern.

Originally Posted by Living
He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years?

I hope you really, really ask yourself this. Again, I'm likely putting too much of what I went through into your sitch. But I want you to ask yourself the question.

Originally Posted by Living
So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.


If H has real reasons for wanting to pursue this job, he's going to take it. This seems like a line in the sand for you. I think you should ask him questions. What is his interest in the job? Is it an advancement? More responsibility? Better community or skill set match for him? Or does he just have a desire to run (which is what I seem to hear you implying). I think you need to really get to the bottom of what is of interest to you H.

Yail #2841474 03/12/19 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Yail
Living, this hits a bit close to home for me. My W left the state for a job. I hope to pass along some of my learning from my own mistakes.

You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, but if you are intent on standing or continuing in any way with H I think this is the time to validate H's interest in another job or moving. You can still have your own desire to not move, but you need to fully hear and respect his interest.

Originally Posted by Living
He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.


My W knew my answer too (I suspect), but instead of me hearing WHY she wanted to move I just shut down. I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality to see if it was something that would work for us. This was my biggest mistake and something I regret.

In my own situation perhaps a move would have been a good thing, I don't know.

Should you move? I can't say. You may know the answer is "no" for you - and that's okay. But only say "no" after you really HEAR your H.

Originally Posted by Living
So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.


Your son's schooling is a valid concern. How you will fit in is a valid concern, though surmountable. I hope you will consider how much of this is you digging your heels in, or how much might be fear, or how much is a legitimate concern.

Originally Posted by Living
He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years?

I hope you really, really ask yourself this. Again, I'm likely putting too much of what I went through into your sitch. But I want you to ask yourself the question.

Originally Posted by Living
So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.


If H has real reasons for wanting to pursue this job, he's going to take it. This seems like a line in the sand for you. I think you should ask him questions. What is his interest in the job? Is it an advancement? More responsibility? Better community or skill set match for him? Or does he just have a desire to run (which is what I seem to hear you implying). I think you need to really get to the bottom of what is of interest to you H.


Yail, thank you for your insight and for your advice.

This is a tough one for me. Now if H brings this topic up again, I will definitely ask questions and hear him out. Your advice is spot on with that (not saying you have any bad advice : )

That said, I don’t think for one second that my H would be taking another job as a promotion or to advance his career. That may be what happens as a result of accepting a new position but that won’t be the initial motive.

Here’s what I truly think. He would be running. He has previously entertained this idea and his IC advised him that moving to another state won’t solve his issues. He told him that he’ll only take his problems with him to a new state.

That said my H has always been hard-headed. So maybe he’s entertaining this idea again. I think he has gained some new friends at work (some of which he took the guys trip with) and he’s envious of some of the things they get to do. I think the fact that the co-worker is looking for the job in the other state, makes him want to do the same. The only difference is the co-worker actually resides in that state. So he’s trying to get a job in the state he lives in.

I think my H is wanting to run. He is still a confused ball of mess who is a walking contradiction.

One day it’s

* I love you ( he11 I just heard that this morning)
* I need you (heard that a few days ago)
* I’m going to work on trying to be a better man and I need you
* I’m ready to fight for the M
* But But I want out of the M
* I’m lost
* I’m confused
* I’m not happy
* I don’t think you’re the woman for me
* W aren’t sexually compatible (but but, I still will pursue sex from you and it’s good too < —- his words)
* You deserve better
* You’ll find someone better

Blah blah blah, I could go on and on. You know the MLC script. Sometimes I wonder if he has searched the Internet for the MLC script. Lol!

Truth is I can’t atop him from doing anything. I’m learning that daily. So if he wants to take a job in another state, so bet it. I’m just not sure I can sit around as his little faithful wife...while he does God knows what. There is no doubt in my mind that he would find someone who would be willing to be his mistress. Unfortunately there are a lot of women who have no problem being a mistress for a time. So I just get to sit back in limbo while he does whatever he wants. I don’t think I have that gift.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2841478 03/12/19 05:57 PM
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I agree with all of what you have written. Your H's back and forth does lead me to agree with you that he is exhibiting running behavior and that this isn't REALLY about career advancement. I do think that you sharing an interest in something that has captured his imagination may push things in the right direction - whatever that may be. I avoided conflict, and I'm here to report that it doesn't work wink (don't know why I did a winky face - it's really not funny!)

Living #2841480 03/12/19 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Living
Before he left out of no where he says that he wants to work on the M when he got back. He said he wanted to move back into the MBR and even suggested we go to counseling.


You didn't mention how you responded to this? Don't just throw the door open to him when he says things like this, tell him you need to see a serious commitment from him before you'll entertain him moving back into the MBR. Make him work for it.

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Fast forward to him coming back home and none of the above has happened.


It was probably just a temp check rather than any serious commitment on his part. He wanted to throw it out there to see how you would respond, then he retreated into the castle.

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Now let me start by saying I really didn’t put much stock into those words when he said them. I was skeptical because they came out of no where.


Good, very smart to keep your guard up!

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Now he’s back and like I said he’s still sleeping in the other room and we haven’t talked about that conversation. The rules say that I shouldn’t initiate R talks. So I haven’t brought it up.


Great. If you bring it up you'll probably get BD'd all over again. Don't say anything, again HE needs to do all the work and if he returns and does nothing then that should tell you everything you need to know.

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So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.


AWESOME!!! That was a perfect response!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Yail #2841481 03/12/19 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Yail
I agree with all of what you have written. Your H's back and forth does lead me to agree with you that he is exhibiting running behavior and that this isn't REALLY about career advancement. I do think that you sharing an interest in something that has captured his imagination may push things in the right direction - whatever that may be. I avoided conflict, and I'm here to report that it doesn't work wink (don't know why I did a winky face - it's really not funny!)


Yes Yail I can’t say that he would relocate for responsible reasons. Currently I refer to my H as an adult adolescent. A lot of what he does is similar to what adolescents do. He acts on impulse without clearly thinking of the repercussions.

I swear I’ve sort of become obsessed with reading about MLC because I’m living so much of the information I read. On one hand it’s good to know I’m not crazy or imagining things. On the other hand, it’s sad to watch him destroy so much.

So even though I have good days and bad days, I’m still alive. Lol! I’m currently tackling a to-do list. I’ve been doing that daily just to help keep me busy.

Thanks again!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Yail #2841507 03/12/19 08:05 PM
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Check to see what are the differences in divorce laws are for both states. (just sayin) You never know what true motives people have.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Living #2841509 03/12/19 08:20 PM
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Hi girl,

You have done a great job at this. Now is not the time to backslide. Take stock of what is working.


I assume you have finished reading TAoS. Anything in there that you want to add to your new self?


I strongly suggest you take some time and reflect on your weekend away. Did H feel like he was loosing you? How did he respond.


Part of this process is YOU finding yourself. How many new female friends IRL have you made since BD? Maybe that is a goal for you.

I wish you well.

Again, have fun with this. It is your life.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Living #2841512 03/12/19 08:29 PM
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AnotherStander, we be dropped the I want to fight for the M and go to counseling bomb, I said nothing. Again, I was skeptical so I figured what’s the point in even saying anything. He’s only been back for about a week so he has serious, he will mention it again. Otherwise I’m not saying anything.

Of course he could have been joking about taking a job elsewhere. Like I said he’s a big joker. But the problem is his behavior has been so unpredictable that I’m not sure what to take at face value and what not.

But I’m not going to bring it up. He has an upcoming therapy appointment so I’m sure he will discuss it with his therapist if he’s seriously contemplating a move. He seems to like his therapist and opens up to him so I’m glad about that.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 297
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Hi girl,

You have done a great job at this. Now is not the time to backslide. Take stock of what is working.


Lol, I’m not sure what is and what’s not working. Ha! I need to pay more attention to that. I’m writing more in my journal, maybe I should go back and re-read some entries. Thanks for the vote of confidence! It’s truly day by day.


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I assume you have finished reading TAoS. Anything in there that you want to add to your new self?


I have finished it. It was good read and I see many things I can add to my new self. Only thing is the book kind of mKa me horny and sort of like a seductress. Lol!


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I strongly suggest you take some time and reflect on your weekend away. Did H feel like he was loosing you? How did he respond.


I’m positive he felt like he wasn’t losing me. He totally lost his sh@t. I think he thought I was with another man. He almost went nuts.

He was also a bit worried while he was away on his trip because of the way I communicated with him. I kept it short, ended the conversation first, and didn’t respond to his text messages right away (some days not at all).

He wanted me to know how much he missed me but he felt like I didn’t miss him.

I had plans while he was away and one night I went out. He called, I answered. He asked was I going out, I said yes. The next morning he called, the first question he wanted to know was how was my night out. Lol, I got a good laugh out of that.


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Part of this process is YOU finding yourself. How many new female friends IRL have you made since BD? Maybe that is a goal for you.

I wish you well.

Again, have fun with this. It is your life.



I haven’t met any new female friends. I’ve been hanging out with some of my current friends.

And R2C the one thing that I’m thankful for during this crazy ordeal is that I’m finding myself. Day by day, I find myself even more. I’m loving the person that I’m becoming. My confidence is coming back. Oh and he’s noticing it! But my confidence coming back has nothing to do with him per day. It’s coming back because I’m doing the work on me. Again, I’m going to become the woman that he will be a fool to leave. And if he does leave, it will be his loss!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2841555 03/13/19 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Living
AnotherStander, we be dropped the I want to fight for the M and go to counseling bomb, I said nothing.


Oh good, sometimes no response is the best response! I like it!

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Of course he could have been joking about taking a job elsewhere. Like I said he’s a big joker. But the problem is his behavior has been so unpredictable that I’m not sure what to take at face value and what not.


This "big joker" thing makes me think he's a classic passive/aggressive "nice guy". They often hide their intentions behind a joking facade so that if they don't get the response they're looking for or if it blows up they can always fall back on "oh I was just kidding!" I'm not buying it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Living
AnotherStander, we be dropped the I want to fight for the M and go to counseling bomb, I said nothing.


Oh good, sometimes no response is the best response! I like it!

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Of course he could have been joking about taking a job elsewhere. Like I said he’s a big joker. But the problem is his behavior has been so unpredictable that I’m not sure what to take at face value and what not.


This "big joker" thing makes me think he's a classic passive/aggressive "nice guy". They often hide their intentions behind a joking facade so that if they don't get the response they're looking for or if it blows up they can always fall back on "oh I was just kidding!" I'm not buying it.




Dear God sorry for the typos! Lol!

You may be correct AnotherStander. He didn’t bring it up again yesterday so who knows. I’m not really convinced that he’s actively looking for a job in another state. I think he may have been throwing that out there to see how I would react. I kind of started it when I asked him was he thinking of applying for one of the jobs. So again, I’m not sure how serious he may be. It’s possible he’s considered it but like I said, who knows. I honestly think he’s still trying to figure things out.

I think he’s caught between thinking there may be something out there better for him and I could be making the biggest mistake of my life if I leave her. He thinks there is something out there that will make him happy. He needs to learn that happiness can’t be bought or traveled to. It also doesn’t come from another person. It’s something that is developed within.

I’m also convinced that he’s having an identity issue. He truly has lost himself over the years. I think that he really is trying to find himself and who he wants to be. I’m sure the MLC makes him think that I and our M keeps him from doing that. Again, the more I research about MLC the more my H behavior makes sense to me.

I think I’m handling our sitch in a good way. I’m getting better at just listening to him when he speaks and validating. I read a lot of the advice that is given on this forum and I implement it in my sitch. My only option is to continue to take care of myself and let him figure him out. Wherever the chips fall I have no control over.

I guess the good thing is ALL is not bad. We still have lot’s of moments where we laugh and enjoy each other’s presence. We seem to still have a decent friendship. So only time will tell how this journey ends.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842333 03/18/19 12:41 PM
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Journaling

I wanted to pop in and give a quick update.

Things have been going well for me. I’ve been doing well checking things off my to-do list. I’ve also been getting out and walking. The weather is starting to get better here so it feels good to get outside.

I’m still working on adapting a healthy diet. I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast which is tough. I did lose 2 pounds last week, so yay me. However, I know I have to get better at not skipping meals.

I’ve been focused on work and my business. I’ve been really making short term goals that will help me achieve a big goal of becoming financially independent of my H. I want to be able to solely provide for myself with or without him.

Overall, again, I am so happy with the changes that I’m making with myself. I’m becoming a better person and it feels so good. Of course there are still things to work on but I’m slowly chipping away at the old me. At the beginning of this year, my new year goal (I don’t make resolutions) was to become a better version of myself. I’m proud to say, I’m doing just that.

I’ve done so many 180’s and I’ve been consistent with them. I’m sure my H has noticed them but he hasn’t said anything about them. To be honest, that’s just fine with me. I didn’t do them for him, I did them because it was the right thing to do.

As for H, I don’t really see him doing many 180’s. He’s still in the tunnel and imo has been a bit withdrawn for the past week. Not sure why but hey what else is new?

He is doing little things like if I start cleaning the kitchen in the evening, he will come in and help me. When I first started this 180, he wasn’t helping me at all.

I mentioned previously that he started kissing me goodbye in the morning again. Well in the past couple of weeks, he’ll also text me during the day (while we are at work) wishing that I have a good day. That is something that my old husband always did.

So I do see little bits and pieces of the old him but not enough for me to feel like we are turning a corner. He’s still not the loving and affectionate man that I married. I imagine it’s hard to be loving and affectionate when you are no longer in love with your wife. I imagine it’s also hard when you don’t love yourself.

Yesterday I had a thought that made me sad. I thought...maybe just maybe...H has lost it for me just as he said. Maybe he no longer loves me. Sure he cares about me but he doesn’t love me. I’m not sure a M can survive if one partner doesn’t love the other one. I mean he tells me that he loves me. Not daily like he used to but at least once a week. It’s crazy how he used to tell me he loved me everyday and now I hear it once (if I’m lucky) maybe twice a week.

Any who, that’s my update. I’m still thriving and surviving my friends. There are good days and bad days but each day that God wakes me up is a gift!

Last edited by Living; 03/18/19 12:45 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842481 03/19/19 01:37 AM
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I don't have any advice because It does appear that we are in similar sitches. Holy cow. I do believe there is a script that they read!

I'm going to start following you and grabbing some encouragement from your thriving and surviving. So far I'm surviving. Ha. Better than surviving, if I'm honest, but not quite to thriving yet.

I'm sorry for your sad thought, but remember, he doesn't always know what's going on in his head so It might be best that you don't think about it too much. (That's what I have found that helps me).

I'm still figuring out this site, so I'm going to try and follow your threads. I like these journal entries. Helps me when I journal, and helps to read about others going through similar circumstances. Keep your chin up! Big hugs!!

ps. In a perfect world, we would be neighbors. I moved here 3 years ago and have a couple friends, but I've only shared my sitch with one and she has no clue what my H is up to. She is completely blown away, so I just hang out with her to have fun. it's funny because it's like an island away from this drama. It would be nice to walk shoulder to shoulder with another stander.

Take care of you!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
97Hope #2842489 03/19/19 02:00 AM
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Originally Posted by 97Hope
I don't have any advice because It does appear that we are in similar sitches. Holy cow. I do believe there is a script that they read!

I'm going to start following you and grabbing some encouragement from your thriving and surviving. So far I'm surviving. Ha. Better than surviving, if I'm honest, but not quite to thriving yet.

I'm sorry for your sad thought, but remember, he doesn't always know what's going on in his head so It might be best that you don't think about it too much. (That's what I have found that helps me).

I'm still figuring out this site, so I'm going to try and follow your threads. I like these journal entries. Helps me when I journal, and helps to read about others going through similar circumstances. Keep your chin up! Big hugs!!

ps. In a perfect world, we would be neighbors. I moved here 3 years ago and have a couple friends, but I've only shared my sitch with one and she has no clue what my H is up to. She is completely blown away, so I just hang out with her to have fun. it's funny because it's like an island away from this drama. It would be nice to walk shoulder to shoulder with another stander.

Take care of you!


Thanks 97hope, I’ll continue to follow your thread as well. It’s always nice to connect with someone who can relate to our sitch.

I take one day at a time and some days are better than others. When I have a bad day, I don’t beat myself up about it. We are humans and what we are going through is difficult. So when you have bad days, don’t beat yourself up. Know that the next day will be better.

I’d love to have you as a neighbor. We could go shopping and do all sorts of girly stuff. Lol!

Only a few of my family members and one of my friends knows about my sitch. And none of them know the entire truth. I’ve told them what I feel is safe for them to know. They would think I was nuts for standing for my M. It’s always easier to dish out harsh (well meaning) advice when you’re not walking a mile in someone’s shoes. A couple of years ago I would have said you were nuts if you told me that I wound be standing for my M after all that my H has done. I’d be all like, honey...I don’t think so. But again, until you stare our situations in the face, no one can truly say what they would do.

Stay strong and keep taking care of you! Hugs!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842490 03/19/19 02:04 AM
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Only a few of my family members and one of my friends knows about my sitch. And none of them know the entire truth. I’ve told them what I feel is safe for them to know. They would think I was nuts for standing for my M. It’s always easier to dish out harsh (well meaning) advice when you’re not walking a mile in someone’s shoes. A couple of years ago I would have said you were nuts if you told me that I wound be standing for my M after all that my H has done. I’d be all like, honey...I don’t think so. But again, until you stare our situations in the face, no one can truly say what they would do.


You can say that again!! And again!! You never know what you will do until you must choose what is best for you. I know this is best for me. Doesn't make it easy, just gives me peace knowing I'm going the right thing.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Living #2842496 03/19/19 02:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Living
Yesterday I had a thought that made me sad. I thought...maybe just maybe...H has lost it for me just as he said. Maybe he no longer loves me. Sure he cares about me but he doesn’t love me. I’m not sure a M can survive if one partner doesn’t love the other one. I mean he tells me that he loves me. Not daily like he used to but at least once a week. It’s crazy how he used to tell me he loved me everyday and now I hear it once (if I’m lucky) maybe twice a week.


Living - you know what folks here would say about your paragraph above about your H? I think you do know...

Those are his feelings... right now. If his feelings did change it means they changed once. They can change again.

My personal belief in your sitch is that H simply does not have access to his emotions right now. Not the full range, anyway. He wants to feel love - he is maybe even really trying to feel love - but he just can't get there. That's what depression can do.

Last edited by Yail; 03/19/19 02:47 AM.
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Originally Posted by Living
I’m still working on adapting a healthy diet. I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast which is tough. I did lose 2 pounds last week, so yay me. However, I know I have to get better at not skipping meals.


I used to go on diets with my XW and we would yoyo back and forth on weight. Then she hit on a diet (I can't remember the name of it, it's been 7 or 8 years ago now) and it was all about relearning how to eat rather than trying to deprive yourself. One of the important points was this:

There are 4 phases of hunger- A) I'm not hungry B) I could eat but I'm not really hungry C) I'm really hungry I should eat and D) I am starving and will devour anything remotely edible as soon as it's in front of me. Your body starts burning fat stores during C but not during A or B. So if you force yourself to eat during A or B then your body converts it to fat stores because it doesn't need energy. You don't want to eat during D because you will overeat due to being overly hungry. So you eat during C. Not right away because you want to take advantage of the fact that your body is burning fat stores, but you do want to eat before you get to D.

With the above in mind, do not eat if you're not hungry! If you're at A or B in the mornings then don't eat breakfast! Some people need to eat in the mornings and others don't. I am in the latter group, I never eat breakfast even though I am up at 5 am every day.

Also don't eat fast. People typically eat too fast, the body will send you "full" signals when it's had enough but if you eat too fast the signal comes after you have overeaten. And all that excess food just goes into fat stores.

Drink lots of water! Your body will send you hunger feelings if it's dehydrated. Sometimes you'll feel hungry and drink water and feel OK again. That's not because your body feels "full" from the water (which is what a lot of people believe), it is because your body was just trying to tell you that you were dehydrated. Also your body will tend to hold water if you don't drink enough, so ironically drinking plenty of water helps you lose water weight.

There were a lot of other cool tips and tricks like always leaving something on the plate, eat the foods you like best first off the plate, pushing the plate away as a signal to yourself that you are done, etc.

Another tip I learned elsewhere is fasting helps you to burn fat as well. I don't eat after 11 pm at night, don't eat breakfast and have lunch at 11:30. So basically I fast 12 hours every day. I do start getting hungry around 9:30 or 10:00 but it's B or C above and I eat before I get to D.

Since implementing these things years ago, I have been able to maintain my bodyweight within about a 5 pound +/- range for years and years and I pretty much eat whatever I want. I do eat salads but I also have a burger now and then, or Tex-Mex food or a chocolate malt smile If you don't deprive yourself then you don't feel the need the binge on whatever it is you've been depriving yourself of.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Yail #2842608 03/19/19 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Yail
Originally Posted by Living
Yesterday I had a thought that made me sad. I thought...maybe just maybe...H has lost it for me just as he said. Maybe he no longer loves me. Sure he cares about me but he doesn’t love me. I’m not sure a M can survive if one partner doesn’t love the other one. I mean he tells me that he loves me. Not daily like he used to but at least once a week. It’s crazy how he used to tell me he loved me everyday and now I hear it once (if I’m lucky) maybe twice a week.


Living - you know what folks here would say about your paragraph above about your H? I think you do know...

Those are his feelings... right now. If his feelings did change it means they changed once. They can change again.

My personal belief in your sitch is that H simply does not have access to his emotions right now. Not the full range, anyway. He wants to feel love - he is maybe even really trying to feel love - but he just can't get there. That's what depression can do.


Thanks for chiming in Yail. I’m glad I logged in today.

I’m positive that you’re right about my H feelings. I read up some more on male menopause and my H definitely checks off a lot of those symptoms. I know he’s suffering from a combination of that and mid-life crisis. Sometimes I need to re-read information to remind myself that he is indeed going through something. It helps me have compassion and empathy for him.

I’m sure he loves me in some sort of way right now but like you said he’s having a tough time getting there and even showing the love.

Day by day I’m getting better at not ignoring him but I’m just not letting his mess consume me anymore. I get up and go about my day and I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to this place.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 297
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Living
I’m still working on adapting a healthy diet. I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast which is tough. I did lose 2 pounds last week, so yay me. However, I know I have to get better at not skipping meals.


I used to go on diets with my XW and we would yoyo back and forth on weight. Then she hit on a diet (I can't remember the name of it, it's been 7 or 8 years ago now) and it was all about relearning how to eat rather than trying to deprive yourself. One of the important points was this:

There are 4 phases of hunger- A) I'm not hungry B) I could eat but I'm not really hungry C) I'm really hungry I should eat and D) I am starving and will devour anything remotely edible as soon as it's in front of me. Your body starts burning fat stores during C but not during A or B. So if you force yourself to eat during A or B then your body converts it to fat stores because it doesn't need energy. You don't want to eat during D because you will overeat due to being overly hungry. So you eat during C. Not right away because you want to take advantage of the fact that your body is burning fat stores, but you do want to eat before you get to D.

With the above in mind, do not eat if you're not hungry! If you're at A or B in the mornings then don't eat breakfast! Some people need to eat in the mornings and others don't. I am in the latter group, I never eat breakfast even though I am up at 5 am every day.

Also don't eat fast. People typically eat too fast, the body will send you "full" signals when it's had enough but if you eat too fast the signal comes after you have overeaten. And all that excess food just goes into fat stores.

Drink lots of water! Your body will send you hunger feelings if it's dehydrated. Sometimes you'll feel hungry and drink water and feel OK again. That's not because your body feels "full" from the water (which is what a lot of people believe), it is because your body was just trying to tell you that you were dehydrated. Also your body will tend to hold water if you don't drink enough, so ironically drinking plenty of water helps you lose water weight.

There were a lot of other cool tips and tricks like always leaving something on the plate, eat the foods you like best first off the plate, pushing the plate away as a signal to yourself that you are done, etc.

Another tip I learned elsewhere is fasting helps you to burn fat as well. I don't eat after 11 pm at night, don't eat breakfast and have lunch at 11:30. So basically I fast 12 hours every day. I do start getting hungry around 9:30 or 10:00 but it's B or C above and I eat before I get to D.

Since implementing these things years ago, I have been able to maintain my bodyweight within about a 5 pound +/- range for years and years and I pretty much eat whatever I want. I do eat salads but I also have a burger now and then, or Tex-Mex food or a chocolate malt smile If you don't deprive yourself then you don't feel the need the binge on whatever it is you've been depriving yourself of.



Thanks for all the tips Ready2Change, these are brilliant. I’ve only been eating small things in the morning, normally a piece of fruit or a hard-boiled egg. This has been off and on for the last couple of weeks.

I’ve been fasting like that for forever. Lol! Who knew that was a thing? Lol! I don’t eat after 8 pm and normally don’t have my first meal until around 12ish noon. So I guess that’s not tough for me to do.

Next up is to incorporate more exercise. I joined a gym but my schedule is nuts. So haven’t really been going. I’m hoping to change that here shortly. I also love getting out and walking the beautiful trails that we have here.

Overall I’m happy with the progress I am making!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842671 03/20/19 10:09 AM
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Soooo...

If you follow my thread you know about a week ago I mentioned that H joked about looking for a job in another state.

Well this morning (early) this morning he decides he now wants to talk to me about this.

Apparently some new positions just came open. There’s a few here locally and some in other states. He comes to me and says he thinks he wants to apply to the positions.

My response was, if that’s what you want to do I won’t stand in your way. He then goes on and explains that the positions are only 2-year assignments so it’s possible he would only be gone for 2 years. Again, I said if that’s what you want, I won’t stand in your way.

He then ask, so what does that mean for us? I said it means that I won’t put my life on hold while you move somewhere and do only God knows what.

He then says, what makes you think I would go somewhere and do something inappropriate. My response was that the trust has been broken multiple times and hasn’t been rebuilt yet. I told him if I can’t trust you locally, what makes you think I’m going to trust you living somewhere else.

So he then ask what does this mean for our house. I told him I’m not sure but what I’m not going to do is take a huge financial hit because he decided to move across country.

I wrapped the conversation up with telling him, that If he decides that he wants to relocate, I’ll wish him the best but I won’t be waiting for him. I told him that’s not an ultimatum, it’s a fact. It’s not me telling him what he should do, it’s me telling him what I won’t do.

The crazy thing is he seemed shocked at my stance. But I’m dead serious. There is no way I’m staying the faithful wife while he moves and does whatever he wants.

As he was taking I did validate his feelings. But I didn’t mince words. Was I wrong? Did I handle it ok?


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842674 03/20/19 10:48 AM
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You handled it perfectly. Nothing wrong with telling him it doesn't work for you. He's noticing you are getting fed with his BS and he doesn't like it.

LH19 #2842677 03/20/19 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
You handled it perfectly. Nothing wrong with telling him it doesn't work for you. He's noticing you are getting fed with his BS and he doesn't like it.


Thanks LH19. I’m glad to hear you think I handled it well. Sometimes emotions get high. However during the conversation I remained calm. I even had to remind myself to be calm. At one point he asked if I was upset with him. I said no and then I went on to validate his reasons for why he feels this is a good idea for him.

And...I’m beyond getting fed up with his B.S. it’s one thing after another. But if he feels like he needs to go and that will make him happier...so be it. But again, I refuse to put my life on hold while he runs across country.

I mean even his IC advised him not to look for a job in another state. He told him that running won’t fix his problems. He told him that’s not the solution and won’t help him. But true to his form my H can’t listen to anyone. He’s dead set on blowing his life up. So fine...let him blow it up. But I won’t be around to help him pick up the pieces.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842686 03/20/19 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Living
I mean even his IC advised him not to look for a job in another state. He told him that running won’t fix his problems. He told him that’s not the solution and won’t help him. But true to his form my H can’t listen to anyone. He’s dead set on blowing his life up. So fine...let him blow it up. But I won’t be around to help him pick up the pieces.

Yes but you have to remember that their emotions dictate everything. Not logic and reason.

LH19 #2842689 03/20/19 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19

Yes but you have to remember that their emotions dictate everything. Not logic and reason.


I do remember that LH19. The fact that from one week to the next that he’s all over the place proves that. I know he acts impulsively and definitely isn’t thinking with logic. The fact that he’s romanticized us living in 2 different state in marital bliss also proves he’s not thinking logically.

The sad part for him will be when logic returns and he realizes what he’s lost. I’ll pray for him when that happens.

Now there’s no guarantee that he will get a position, just because he applied. However the fact remains that he’s looking. And I’m sure he’ll continue to look. And my position remains the same.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842715 03/20/19 03:27 PM
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You did perfect.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

You did perfect.


Thanks my friend, that feels good to know!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842785 03/20/19 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Living
As he was taking I did validate his feelings. But I didn’t mince words. Was I wrong? Did I handle it ok?


Wow, you did a great job with that convo! Firm yet loving. You stated your boundaries clearly (not waiting, not relocating) and what would happen to him if he chooses to breach those boundaries. Great job all around! You are talking from a position of strength and control, I imagine that's what shook him a little smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Living
As he was taking I did validate his feelings. But I didn’t mince words. Was I wrong? Did I handle it ok?


Wow, you did a great job with that convo! Firm yet loving. You stated your boundaries clearly (not waiting, not relocating) and what would happen to him if he chooses to breach those boundaries. Great job all around! You are talking from a position of strength and control, I imagine that's what shook him a little smile


Thanks AnotherStander, it felt real good to be firm and state my boundaries. And I wanted him to know I’m dead serious.

I’ll also agree that he was shook. He still seems to be shook later this evening.

Thanks again!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842974 03/22/19 01:52 AM
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YESSSSS!!!!

I feel like a million bucks right now. I’ve come so far. Thank God for growth!

H came to me today and told me that he applied for the job positions in the other states. I said great! I hope that you get the job. So when we first discussed him possibly applying for another job yesterday he told me he wanted me to stay in the house and he would continue to pay the mortgage, home owners insurance, and for our security monitoring. I would cover the utilities and other needs for myself and our son. We would both contribute to the rennovation cost for the house. Yesterday when he proposed this I didn’t even address it. I just basically told him what I said above.

So today after he told me he applied for the job he said but I still intend to take care of what I said I would if I get the job. I said great here’s what we are going to do...

I said we are going to go to a lawyer and have this agreement documented. I said we will file this as a legal separation. I explained that this will ensure that we are able to fulfil our financial obligations responsibly. He said can’t we just draft the agreement up and have it notorized? I said oh no buddy, I want a legal binding contract outlining our agreement. He said in a sad voice...”OK”.

He then says, I want wording put in the separation that this is with the intent of working on the M. I told him you can’t work on a damaged M living in 2 different states. Not when there’s trust issues. He said people do it all the time. I responded I’m not people, I’m Living!

I then told him I won’t sign off on any aggreemt that contains the wording “with the intent on working on the M.” He said fine. Then he says so what you’re saying is that it’s over? We are done? I said what I’m saying is that we can’t work on this M in 2 different states, take it how you want.

He then tries to tell me, I can’t guarantee that the M is over and that after he works away for 2 years that I won’t take him back. I responded that I’m sorry that you’ve romanticized how this will go but I assure you I won’t be sitting around waiting on you. Nope, no, and He11 NO! Of course he acted shocked.

So I ended the conversation by telling him I hope he gets offered one of the jobs and I wish him the best.

I may have not handled things perfectly but I’m so proud of myself. I’ve come a long way since I first logged on to this site. I’m sure there will be days that I’m sad and that’s ok. I’ve made my position clear and I’m as serious as a heart attack.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2842975 03/22/19 01:57 AM
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Oh one last thing,

Today, I called the lawyer I visited a while ago go consult with her on how a separation works in our state. She informed me that it is totally legal in our state for us to draft up this sort of agreement. After we talked yesterday, something told me to call her. She’s great too. She told me that she wouldn’t even charge me for the call today. She said when we are ready, just call her set up and appointment and she will help us with the separation. She also advised me roughly how much it will cost and it’s really not as expensive as I thought.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2843549 03/27/19 03:00 PM
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Just catching up on your sitch. What if he doesn't get the job?

LH19 #2843579 03/27/19 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Just catching up on your sitch. What if he doesn't get the job?


LH19, thanks so much for checking in on me! Giving you a round of hugs!

Re: your question what if he doesn’t get the job. It’s funny because he asked me the same thing. At first I hadn’t thought too much about that. I was so focused on letting him know I’m not going to sit by and wait for him. Of course I was a bit angry as well. I’m still a little upset about it to be honest. However, I stand by my statement.

So if he does or doesn’t get the job, I’ll continue to work on me. Which is what I’m doing. It’s obvious to me that he’s trying to run. Nothing I say or do will change that. Rather than do the work he needs to do on himself, he’s trying to run. His IC advised against it but true to my H’s form, he has to learn things the hard way.

So over the past few days I’ve been wondering if I should still stand for the M. The fact that he’s looking for jobs in other states and rescheduling IC appointments makes me feel like he’s not willing to do the work. He stood in my face 4 weeks ago and told me that he’s going to work on being a better man. Thankfully I’m learning to not trust what he says. I don’t see any evidence of him trying to be a better man. I mean maybe he thinks he’s doing that when he’s alone at night in his room. Who knows.

I’ve done many 180’s, I’ve been and continue to work on improving myself. Then I look at him and I see him doing nothing. That makes me wonder, why am I standing?

He’s from one thin to the next. So I guess the real question is, if he doesn’t get the job, what will he do next? And only God knows.

Last edited by Living; 03/27/19 06:11 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2845157 04/10/19 08:31 PM
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Anything new?

LH19 #2845523 04/14/19 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Anything new?


Hey LH19! Wow it’s been a minute since I’ve posted.

Update: I think I’ve finally dropped the rope. I’ve let my H go. It hasn’t been easy. It still hurts, just not as bad. But I’ve let him go and turned him over to God. God can deal with him far better than me.

For the past week or so, I’ve had such a peace come over me. I’ve been praying and God is listening and answering my prayers. Although, I don’t want my M to end, I now feel at peace with whatever happens. I still love him with all my heart. But I know that whatever happens, I’ll be ok!

I’ve been doing better with the detachment thing. He still pursues me as usual. One day it’s he wants out and he next he’s trying to be all over me. He wants to let me go but still can’t figue out why that’s so hard for him. That’s for him to figure out.

I’ve still been educating myself on MLC. I know it’s not about me. I know that my husbands MLC would have happened no matter who he was in a relationship with. His MLC was set in motion during his childhood. So as you all say, I didn’t break him so I can’t fix him. It’s up to him to do the hard work on himSELF. He can either choose to run or he can choose to do the work. However, the choice is HIS and HIS alone.

I’ve learned to co-exist with him in the house without it bothering me like it used to. I just get up and go about my day. I notice that he’s still here but his presence doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. Lol, there are still days he annoys me but those days are few and far between.

As for the job. No word on that yet. However, if he gets the position, I’ll wish him well. I’m not trying to hold him back or stand in his way.

I’m getting back to knowing my self-worth. I’m not perfect but I have a lot to offer. I look back on how I behaved in the beginning of this journey and I can see how desperate and unattractive that behavior was. I don’t fault myself, just seeing things from a “stronger” perspective now.

Overall, I wake up and I feel blessed. Everyday that I wake up, I know that life is a gift. I just wake up wanting to live life. It feels good to be in this place mentally. I still have so much to work on when it comes to myself. However, I’m excited to see how I will become the best version of myself.

So that’s my update! Thanks for checking in on me LH19. Also thanks to everyone that has helped me on this forum. I appreciate all the great advice.

I’m not where I need to be but I’m not where I used to be!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2845541 04/14/19 05:24 PM
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Great update! Keep moving forward.

Living #2845542 04/14/19 05:46 PM
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Thanks for the update.

Originally Posted by Living
I didn’t break him so I can’t fix him. It’s up to him to do the hard work on himSELF.
Same thing, He did not break you, it is up to you to do the hard work on yourself.

I wish you well


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Thanks for the update.

Originally Posted by Living
I didn’t break him so I can’t fix him. It’s up to him to do the hard work on himSELF.
Same thing, He did not break you, it is up to you to do the hard work on yourself.

I wish you well


Absolutely! Thanks Ready2Change!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2846278 04/21/19 04:56 PM
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Happy Easter to all those that celebrate this holiday.

I wanted to provide an update regarding my H and the job(s) he applied for out of state, he didn’t get any of the positions that he applied for. They stated he wasn’t qualified for the positions. Of course as he tells me this, he says but I know I’m qualified for the positions. I just listened and kept it moving. He says he’s planning to keep looking for positions and applying for them. Again, I just listened and kept it moving.

Other than that, I’m still doing me. Still focusing on “me” and getting used to my “new normal”.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2846287 04/21/19 06:28 PM
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L,

Happy Easter dear!

I am not gonna waste keystrokes talking about your H, because what matters is how absolutely delightful it is to read how well you are doing. I remember the beginning of your journey on this site. To see that transformation take place, and to see were it lead you, is fantastic. Keep going on that path of yours, it will lead you to many happy places im sure.

Stay strong, stay safe, and BE happy.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Hurt213 #2846289 04/21/19 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Hurt213
L,

Happy Easter dear!

I am not gonna waste keystrokes talking about your H, because what matters is how absolutely delightful it is to read how well you are doing. I remember the beginning of your journey on this site. To see that transformation take place, and to see were it lead you, is fantastic. Keep going on that path of yours, it will lead you to many happy places im sure.

Stay strong, stay safe, and BE happy.


Hurt213,

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate it. Happy Easter to you as well. I take things one day at a time but I’m so glad I’m not where I was when I first landed on this forum. Living my life!

Hugs!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2849740 05/18/19 02:40 PM
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Hello Everyone!

I thought I would give an update on my sitch. I can’t believe my last post was almost a month ago. I’ve been here though, reading the great advice given to others.

I’ve been taking things one day and one emotion at a time. I have good days and and I have bad days. I’ve learned to just embrace the bad days. When I do have bad days, I no longer allow myself to curl up in the fetal position in my bed. No I force myself to get up and do something. Something to take my mind off things if only for an hour. That has really been working.

I’m trying to get better with the workouts. However, one thing I need to get better at is time management. So this weekend I’m writing out a schedule for next week. My goal is to fit some time in to workout at least 3 times next week. I’m hoping by managing my time better, I’ll be able to fit working out on more. It’s all about priorities.

I miss my family who lives back in my home state. My mother, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, and other immediate family members. I’ve decided that me and the kids will take a trip back home in July. It will be so good to get some unconditional love from my family.

I’m still trying to accept the fact that my M is over. Some days are easier than others. It’s hard to come up with a new plan for your future when you thought you had it all planned out. Life is so unpredictable. However, I’m definitely continuing on working on myself. That’s one of the positive things I’ve found in all of this. This situation, although hurtful, has allowed me to really focus on myself. I’m actually grateful for the journey. It’s not easy but I know that it’s necessary.

As for my H, nothing has changed with him (as far as I can tell). We still live under the same roof. He’s still trying to find a way to run away and I’m not holding him back from that. He has a lot of work to do on himself. He has his own journey to take. There is NOTHING I can do for him. I am civil with him when we interact. I’m not rude and never want to come off as bitter. Am I still angry with certain things he’s done? Sure, but I’m not going to walk around acting angry. I don’t want to give him any reasons to justify what he’s done.

I still find it nuts that for someone who claims he wants out of the marriage, he still tries to peruse me. However, I’ve accepted that will never make sense to me. I’ve cut him completely off. No intimacy or I love you’s. I haven’t told him I love him in probably 6 months.

The only thing I discuss with him is finances and the kids. If he comes to me and discusses other things going on in his life (such as work, etc.) I just listen and end the conversation first.

The truth is I don’t see him changing or growing at all. He goes to therapy very sporadically. Like once every month and a half. Then he never really takes the advice the therapist gives him. He just does what he wants. So that’s why I feel it’s best for me to move on with my life. I really don’t see anything with him changing anytime soon. I could be wrong but my gut tells me he’s going to waste years jumping from one temporary high to the next. He’s going to waste years searching for something that should be within. I can’t live my life like that.

So the hardest part in all of this is LETTING GO of someone that you love so much. However, that’s my only option or I will let this drive me insane. I refuse to go insane. Lol. I decided it’s best to let him go, I can’t save him it help him, letting go is the only option. It’s a tough pill to swallow but it is what it is. It’s also what’s best for me.

So there you have it, my update. Sorry it’s so long! Lol!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2849752 05/18/19 03:51 PM
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L,

Sounds like you’re doing well considering your circumstances. Going to visit your family sounds like a great idea!

Keep on keeping on!

LH19 #2849757 05/18/19 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

Sounds like you’re doing well considering your circumstances. Going to visit your family sounds like a great idea!

Keep on keeping on!



Thanks LH19. I’m looking forward to seeing my family as I miss them so much! Thanks so much for the encouragement and well wishes!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2849780 05/19/19 02:41 AM
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I believe we only grow through pain. Your H doesn't feel the lose, so he doesn't feel the pain, so he doesn't grow.


Anyway, thanks for the update. Focus on enjoying every moment. Get to a point where other people do not effect (or affect, I never know which one to use) your happiness.

HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Living #2849781 05/19/19 02:49 AM
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Nice to see you Living.

It seems we are in a similar place, though different circumstances. This place of trying to let go and not fight it - but learning that letting go has its own pain that changes each day. It's amazing to me the feelings of strength that can live simultaneously with the hurt.

I agree that it is difficult to come up with a new life plan when you thought you had a perfectly beautiful path ahead of you. I have dubbed 2019 my "Year of Yes". I'm making lists and doing things I never have before in an effort to find this new path for myself. I hope you find your new potential paths and say "yes" to something new every day.

You're doing great, despite the hurt and how hard it is. Continue looking ahead and don't turn around to see if H is still there. If he wants to be on this path with you he's gonna have to do some running to catch up.

Living #2850109 05/21/19 02:27 PM
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Living, I was recommended to read your sich by ready2change.

I have read every post, every comment and over the last few hours, I have cried for you, and for myself.

You have been amazingly strong, even when you veered from the db path, but my God emotions are strong and powerful aren't they.

I am on this path and have so much to learn, to let go. You have been and still are an amazingly brilliant women, who is walking her own path with her head held high. Maybe one day I can be standing in your shoes.

Keep going forward, you deserve peace and light in your life x

SoloUk #2850139 05/21/19 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by SoloUk
Living, I was recommended to read your sich by ready2change.

I have read every post, every comment and over the last few hours, I have cried for you, and for myself.

You have been amazingly strong, even when you veered from the db path, but my God emotions are strong and powerful aren't they.

I am on this path and have so much to learn, to let go. You have been and still are an amazingly brilliant women, who is walking her own path with her head held high. Maybe one day I can be standing in your shoes.

Keep going forward, you deserve peace and light in your life x


SoloUk, thank you so much for the kind words. I’m glad that reading my thread is helping you. Sending you lots of hugs. Know this...this stuff takes time. That was a tough pill to swallow for an impatient person like myself. However there is no way to rush it. Try to take things one day at a time. You’re going to fall, dust yourself off and get back up. You’re going to make mistakes, be kind to yourself.

I think I’ve broke all the DB rules at least once. Lol! I can totally admit it. However what I will tell you is DB techniques really do work.

This isn’t an easy road to walk. However, we most have faith that we will come out of this stronger than we were when we started this journey.

Please know that I still slip up. There are times when I still let my H upset me. I’m better at controlling the need to react. I’m learning that not every action deserves a reaction. One thing is for sure, I’m no longer trying to save my marriage. I still have a small ounce of hope that maybe things will workout but I’m done doing all the work. If my H decides he wants to leave, I won’t stand in his way. Heck I may even hold the door for him on his way out. Lol!

Take time for yourself. Self-care is essential during this journey. And again, just know healing takes time. This too shall pass.

Sending you encouragement and love. You’ve got this, just keep the faith!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2857981 07/21/19 09:40 PM
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Hello Friends,

It’s been a couple of months since my last update.

Me:

I’ve continued to work on me. I’m in such a better place emotionally and mentally. Thank God. My main focus right now is becoming totally financially independent of my spouse. I rarely call him a husband anymore. I want to be able to have the life I dreamed of even without him. So I’ve been working my part-time jobs and grinding my business in my free time. I believe the tide is turning. God has put a sense of peace in me that things for me will be ok.

I wake up each day ready to conquer the day. I try to keep my mind positive as well. I’ve found myself smiling more than I have in over a year. God is good!

I still have to work on my weight loss and working out. It’s been a struggle finding the time to workout. My sweet tooth is still a little out of hand as well. Lol!


My Spouse:

Has accepted a position on an opposite coast (yep a whole different state). I’m not standing in his way. He wanted to get away so bad that he’s taking a job for less pay then he makes right now. He’s whined to me that he’s probably going to have to get a part-time job on top of his full-time one just to maintain.

He will be leaving in a couple of months.

He says he doesn’t want a divorce right now. That he wants to go see if living apart helps him figure out if it was the marriage or something else.

I told him don’t count on me to be here waiting on him with open arms if he comes back. He believes he has a chance. That ego...I digress.


Other than that he’s still playing his little game of pursuit daily. It’s unattractive and I ignore him. He still begs for sex daily. I’m no longer sleeping with him and haven’t in a few months. I have no desire or intention on being intimate with him. I’m more focused on myself and my children.

Anyway, I wanted to give a little update. I’m doing well and thank God that I’ve reached this place mentally. I still have work to do but I’m not where I was when I came on this forum. I’m much stronger now. I high five myself daily!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2857984 07/21/19 11:18 PM
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You don't have to just high-five yourself (although I approve whole-heartedly). I'll internet-high-five you!

You're doing awesome, Living.

I'm glad you're letting him go across country and you're being clear that you are not just waiting for him. I had to let my spouse move too. I had to let go and move on. No matter what your decisions are, I will say that it gets easier when there are no daily reminders of what is/isn't in your life.

You get to decide now on the D. Your H said he doesn't want one right now and that's his stance. What's yours?

Begging for sex? Eww. Sorry, don't intend to be mean to your H. That's something only you get to do grin But from my perspective, no that's not attractive.

I'm sure there are ups and downs you didn't highlight here, and I just want to acknowledge that you're likely feeling them and that we understand. But this is a great update, and I'm so glad you're feeling independent and strong.

What else aside from work and financial independence is on the horizon for you? Anything new and exciting you get to explore?

Living #2857993 07/22/19 12:30 AM
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Yail,

Thank you for the high fives and encouragement. It has taken me a while to get to this place. Yay!!!!

I believe that you’re right when you say that when he leaves, things will get a little easier.

As for what else is on the horizon for me, traveling. As soon as I get my finances together a little better, I want to travel more. Even if it’s a quick trip a few hours away, I just want to enjoy life and see beautiful places.

Other than that, I’m going to continue working on myself and working on the empire I’m building. I predict that I’ll be financially secure in 2 years. I’m claiming that!

Thanks again! I truly appreciate it.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2857999 07/22/19 01:02 AM
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Way to go Living!!! High five from me too!! Things will definitely get easier after he leaves. I barely think of my STBXH anymore and when I do, it’s just a blip in my day. I have the thought and then quickly move on. Building an empire is a fantastic way to keep moving forward. Sending you lots of positive energy and luck!!! (((HUGS)))

Living #2858613 07/25/19 12:14 PM
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L,

Great update! Mark my words he will regret it one day.

Living #2858739 07/26/19 01:41 AM
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Thank you for the high five and kind words dejaVu6!

LH19, I have no doubt about it!

Thanks all.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2859336 07/30/19 12:04 AM
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Confessions:

I’m biting my tongue so hard most days.

On to my confession...

I can barely stand the sight of my husband. At the same time, I still have love for him.

For the past...I would say...2 weeks or so, some days I wake up mad at myself. Mad that I still have love for a man who by all intents and purposes...doesn’t deserve my unconditional love.

I think to myself, how in the heck is it possible that I could still love a man that has done all the things that he’s done to me.

Some days I wish I could just curse him out and tell him how I really feel. For the past 8 months, I’ve had to hold in many of the things I’d love to say to his smug tail. Why, because he’s in MLC and this is all about him and not about me...blah...blah...blah. R talks are not a good idea...and I know this because I’ve made the mistake of having them. So trust me when I say, I know it’s best to keep my mouth shut. It’s best that I save this energy for something better.

However, I’m just being honest here. There are days when I feel like bashing his face in. No worries, I’m not violent and would never do that. However, sometimes I visualize it. Lol!

He’s walking around with his arrogance like he’s on cloud 9. I wish he would have decided that he didn’t want this M before we invested so many years on it.

IMO he’s a quitter, he’s weak, he’s a runner. I know I shouldn’t say those things. But it’s best that I say them here rather than to his face.

Ok guys, sorry for this rant. Today was just one of those days. Thank God these days are few and far between for me now.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2859338 07/30/19 12:17 AM
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L,

It’s ok to vent and I can understand you wanting to bash his face in sometimes. I also understand why you still love him.

Once he moves out things will get so much easier for you. In his mind he believes he can have you back whenever he wants. Unfortunately they have a sixth sense on whether you’re still attached or not.

LH19 #2859341 07/30/19 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

It’s ok to vent and I can understand you wanting to bash his face in sometimes. I also understand why you still love him.

Once he moves out things will get so much easier for you. In his mind he believes he can have you back whenever he wants. Unfortunately they have a sixth sense on whether you’re still attached or not.


Thanks for understanding and for the encouragement LH19.

I’m praying things get easier when he leaves and I don’t have to look at his face everyday and watch him walk around like everything is ok. He tries to carry on like things are great between us. I guess things are great for him...or so he thinks.

And I know for a fact he thinks he can have me back whenever he wants. He better hope that his plan works and that all his dreams come true when he runs from a life that served him well to the unknown.

Because he’s walking away...he’s running...and I will NEVER forget it.

So yea, he better pray to the high heavens that it all works out in his favor.

God somedays I still find it hard to believe that the responsible loving husband I used to have has turned into an emotionally immature man toddler.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2859382 07/30/19 06:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Living
Ok guys, sorry for this rant. Today was just one of those days
Vent here as needed. You can let those emotions out in your car while you are alone if needed. Yell and scream. Or cry. Whatever is needed. Find your safe place and let them out.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Living
Ok guys, sorry for this rant. Today was just one of those days
Vent here as needed. You can let those emotions out in your car while you are alone if needed. Yell and scream. Or cry. Whatever is needed. Find your safe place and let them out.


Will do Ready2Change. Those are great ideas. Having the self-control to not tell him how I really feel is tough. However, I’m holding it it.

There have been times when I’ve said what I wish I could say to him...in my car...by myself....during my commute. Thankfully blue tooth/car phone access is a thing, otherwise people would think I’m crazy. Lol! I’ll just be driving fussing and cursing...having an imaginary conversation with my H. Lol. So I know it does help.

Although I’m going to miss him when he leaves, I do think things will get better for me. It’s going to take some getting used to since we’ve been together for so long, but over time, I’m sure I’ll be ok.

When he leaves I’ll be going dark. He has this fantasy that he and I will be the best of friends after he moves out. He’s going to be highly mistaken. If it’s not about the kids, the finances, or our house...there’s nothing for us to discuss.

I mentioned that to him once. He didn’t like what I said and didn’t seem to believe me. I’ll make sure my actions back my words up. Going dark will help with that.

I’m going to take that time to start a new life. A fresh new life without all of his MLC chaos. I’m going to continue to work on becoming the best version of myself that I can. I’m going to leave him to his mess. I’m to keep my focus solely on me.

So when he sends me a text asking me how I’m doing, how is my day, what am I doing, or to try to tell me how his day is going...I won’t respond. His calls will go to VM. If he leaves a message, I’ll determine by his message if a return call is warranted.

He wants a life without me...so much so that he took a pay cut to run away. Well that’s exactly what he’s going to get.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2859435 07/30/19 01:45 PM
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Sounds like you have a good plan.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Living #2873879 11/29/19 07:29 PM
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Anything new Living?

Living #2873882 11/29/19 07:32 PM
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She hasn't logged in since August. I hope all is well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LH19 #2874015 12/01/19 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Anything new Living?


Hello LH19 and Ready2change, it’s been forever since I’ve logged in. Thank you for checking up on me.

A lot has happened in my sitch.

* my husband cancelled his move. This gave me so much hope.
* he then declared his love for me and told me that he wanted to work on our marriage.
* he said so many things that sounded promising. He loved me. He was scared of leaving because he was afraid he would lose me and that he would be making the biggest mistake of his life.

* he said he wanted to work on himself and even suggested Marta is he counseling.
* he said I was a good wife and he realized that there was nothing wrong with his marriage.
* that gave me hope. He started to act, talk, and sound like his old self. I thought for sure he had come out of the MLC tunnel.
* Then he went away on a business trip and when he came back I found lingerie in his bag. Yes I snooped because my gut told me something wasn’t right.

I confronted him about it and of course he apologized...she means nothing...says he wasn’t able to perform so it doesn’t count as an affair. I told him that it does. Turns out it was the chick he met in Hawaii a year and a half ago. She came to visit family and he just so happened to be working in the city she was visiting. Yea...

* so he says he ended it with her before he left. She’s married. Yeah...
* We had a blow up about that and some money he’s been taking out of our joint bank account....the money is missing. He claims he spent it how he wanted to and that it’s his money.
* So after the blow up, he told me he wants a divorce.
* He said he no longer has it for us. That he was just holding on because he was scared to let go. Says he hasn’t had it for us for years.
* He then says that all this time he’s been thinking something is wrong with him and it’s not. He just doesn’t want to be here anymore.
*Says he doesn’t know where he will go or what he will do, he just knows he doesn’t want to be here anymore.

* he hasn’t filed for divorce yet. Says he wants to wait until we finish with the projects we have for our house.
* we still sleep in separate rooms and we barely talk to one another.

So there is my eventful update.

So looks like divorce is in my future.

So I’m just focusing on me as usual.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874025 12/01/19 06:52 AM
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L,

I’m am so sorry to hear your update. It is horrible that he got your hopes up only to do that to you. I know you are sting and will push through it. Take care of yourself!

LH19 #2874036 12/01/19 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

I’m am so sorry to hear your update. It is horrible that he got your hopes up only to do that to you. I know you are sting and will push through it. Take care of yourself!


Thank you LH19, I truly appreciate it. Truthfully I don’t blame him for my high hopes. That’s my fault. I should have allowed his actions to prove to me he was ready.

Truth is, he’s not the man that I married, and he probably never will be. He has the freedom to be whoever he pleases. We all change and grow throughout life. Some for the better, some for the worse.

Truth is, he’s self-centered, selfish, childish, vindictive, a liar, and he’s immature. That is who he chooses to be and he’s well within his right to be all of the above. And I’m well within my right to choose that I deserve better for myself.

It’s sad that this is who he has become because it’s the total opposite of who he was for 11 years of our relationship. However, it is what it is. There’s nothing I can do to change him. He seems ok with who he is so...

So I’m continuing to focus on me. I’m not mean or rude to him but I’m very distant. If he wants a divorce, he can take care of that. I won’t stand in his way!

Last edited by Living; 12/01/19 01:59 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874038 12/01/19 02:09 PM
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Living, I just finished reading your thread and WOW. I'm so sorry to hear about the turn of events. I am curious - what is holding you back from filing for D?


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
wooba #2874041 12/01/19 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Woosa
Living, I just finished reading your thread and WOW. I'm so sorry to hear about the turn of events. I am curious - what is holding you back from filing for D?


Woosa, I don’t want a divorce. However, I won’t stand in his way if he chooses to file for one.

That said, I am tired of the emotional roller coaster we’ve been on.

My mind may change this coming year. But I just feel like he’s the one who wants it, let him be the one to file it.

I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for 2 years with my H, who I believe with everything in me is having a MLC. All the advise and help says to GAL, take care of yourself, and leave the MLC’er to their mess. The advise also says that if the MLC’er wants a divorce let them do the work to get that. So I’ve been trying all that.

Truth is, I’ve held on hoping that he would change back into the man I married or heck even a better version of him. And based on my husbands behavior, he hasn’t.

That’s the best answer I can give you.

Last edited by Living; 12/01/19 02:20 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874042 12/01/19 02:19 PM
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L,

It is sad to see what they have become and can be mind blowing that not only are they ok with it they can't see what they're doing is wrong.

If you have time I think it would be great for you give advice to the newbies, especially the women. You're journey could be helpful to many people.

LH19 #2874043 12/01/19 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

It is sad to see what they have become and can be mind blowing that not only are they ok with it they can't see what they're doing is wrong.

If you have time I think it would be great for you give advice to the newbies, especially the women. You're journey could be helpful to many people.



Thank you LH19. I agree it truly is sad to see their decline. It’s hard to watch someone you love blow their life up. However, there is nothing you can do.

I’ll be sure to pop in and help the newbies. This is a hard road and I was optimistic that we would pull through it but I just don’t my husband has the desire to be a husband anymore. I think he wants to run around like a teenager and do what he wants when he wants...no matter the consequences.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874044 12/01/19 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Living
Truth is, I’ve held on hoping that he would change back into the man I married or heck even a better version of him. And based on my husbands behavior, he hasn’t.

That’s the best answer I can give you.


You are a strong woman for holding out for this long. I am at a little over two months and I question myself everyday how I can keep going. It's always that little bit of hope that things will turn around.....

sending thoughts your way. wishing you the best no matter what happens with your H.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
Living #2874045 12/01/19 02:36 PM
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L,

He’ll be back at some point. I can guarantee it. The question will be if you will take him back. It’s too early in the process.

You will be a great mentor to the newbies.

Living #2874065 12/01/19 05:19 PM
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LH,

Why do you say you can guarantee her H will be back and it’s too early in the process? She said it has been two years. I’m just curious. I have had many people say a similar thing to me about how it’s only a matter of time and the real question is what my response will be when she does come crawling back etc.

L,

I’m really sorry to read about your sitch. I related a lot. My W said the exact same things to me after her first A, that she was too scared to lose me, afraid she would regret everything for the rest of her life etc. Flash forward a year, we have deja vu and she is in another A. Those feelings of fear of loss and regret are not enough for successful recon. It is awful to experience the hope they bring, and in my case it brought me all the way to false recon for over a year, only to be crushed all over again. Take solace knowing that if your H ever does come back, all this time and roller coaster ride is necessary to have a true long term reconciliation.

Living #2874067 12/01/19 05:31 PM
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44,

It’s a feeling a get when I read sitches. First off L is strong and I believe her husband respects her which is a must. Men tend to try to comeback more then woman. Plus I think her husband is lost right now and will eventually find his way.

I realize I should be careful saying it because I obviously no one can predict the future.

Living #2874069 12/01/19 05:32 PM
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I should also add MLC takes about 5 years to play out.

Living #2874072 12/01/19 06:29 PM
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Thank you LH19, I will definitely come here to help anyone that o can.

Woosa, it’s because of websites like this and my faith in God that I’ve been able to last 2 years on this road. I’ve been battered and bruised but I’m not broken. I refuse to let this kill me.

Thank you for your input 44tries. I know that there’s a lesson in all of our struggles. The one the thing I can say about my situation is that I get stronger everyday. I’ve been taking this time to do a lot of work on myself and I’m in a good place mentally. I know that whatever happens, I’ll be ok.

LH19 is right, my husband is lost and he’s admitted as much many times. I can tell that he’s not intentionally trying to hurt me. However, hurt people hurt those closest to them.

I also know that my husband does love me in some shape or forum. The problem is that he’s doesn’t love me the way I need and the way he should. But how could he when he doesn’t love himself?

So watching him struggle allows me to have some form of compassion for him. It’s hard but it’s the truth. Some days I want to smack the crap out of him, and other days...I feel compassion for him.

He truly is lost and it shows in his everyday actions. He’s lost his identity and is out here searching for things in people, places, and things...that he can only find on himself. He’s searching for answers that lie in himself but he hasn’t grown enough to realize that yet.

I have no doubt that someday he will get tired of acting like a ranging teenager. His body isn’t going to allow him go keep this up forever. However as LH19 said, if he turns back to me then...I may have moved on.

Last edited by Living; 12/01/19 06:31 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874073 12/01/19 06:42 PM
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I just wan to add a bit more for those catching up on my sitch....

These past 2 years that my husband has been on this wild ride he’s been on has been hard. In fact, hard is an understatement. But.....

I haven’t just wasted this precious time to focus on me. I’m certainly not perfect but I’ve grown a lot in the last 2 years.

I’ve re-gained my independence. This has been huge for me. I was independent when I met him so it feels good to be able to take care of myself again.

I’ve become financially independent of my husband.

I’ve built up a savings (it’s not huge but it’s mine).

I’ve been building my business.

I’ve lost 40 pounds just this year alone. The stress jump started that weight loss and I decided I may as well keep it up, lol!

I’ve been in counseling to help me with this process and the counseling had been amazing.

I’ve taken a couple of road trips solo (something I would have never done before).

Spiritually and mentally I’m in a great place. I still get emotional but I’m not where I used to be.

I’ve got even more planned for 2020. I have an inner knowing that no matter where the road takes me, that I will be ok.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

I assume you have finished reading TAoS. Anything in there that you want to add to your new self?


What is this TAOS book you guys have been talking about? I tried to look back on the old threads but couldn't find the title. I'm still trying to read everything you've written Living. wink


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
wooba #2874124 12/02/19 01:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Woosa
What is this TAOS book you guys have been talking about? I tried to look back on the old threads but couldn't find the title. I'm still trying to read everything you've written Living. wink
The Art of Seduction


https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LH19 #2874125 12/02/19 01:49 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
He’ll be back at some point. I can guarantee it.
No guarantees, but I would put money on it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Living #2874126 12/02/19 01:53 AM
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Hi Living,

Glad to hear you are OK. I always get worried when posters just stop.


Thanks for the update. Anything we can help with, just ask.


I also agree that the newbies could benefit from your input. Also, you will benefit as well. It is emotionally draining to help others. Each time I have to really put myself in their shoes. Makes IRL decisions much easier for me since I have went through the mental thought process many times.



HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Hi Living,

Glad to hear you are OK. I always get worried when posters just stop.


Thanks for the update. Anything we can help with, just ask.


I also agree that the newbies could benefit from your input. Also, you will benefit as well. It is emotionally draining to help others. Each time I have to really put myself in their shoes. Makes IRL decisions much easier for me since I have went through the mental thought process many times.



HUGS


Thanks for the well wishes Ready2change, I really appreciate it.

I’ll definitely chime in here when I can to help the new people. I’m no expert but I’ve been living in an alternate universe for 2 years, lol! Therefore, I have some experience.

Mr. I want a divorce is already back to pursuing me. Isn’t that nuts? He declares he “no longer has it for us” and wants a divorce, yet he wants to be in my space.

Yesterday, he told me I looked like I needed a hug confused. I told him I’m not sure where he got that from. He proceeds to wrap his arms around me to hug me. I didn’t even hug him back. I told him...seems like you’re the one that needs a hug.

And this has been the story of my life for 2 years. Distance and pursuit.

I’ve got him figured out though....

Just like a teenager he wants to do what he wants when he wants. He doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone. So when I call him out on some wrong behavior, like an adolescent, he throws a fit.

So I confront him about missing money, and all of a sudden he wants a divorce. I’m still of the belief that he doesn’t know what the he11 he wants. My therapist agrees. She also agrees that he’s in crisis. Although she didn’t call it a midlife crisis.

So what will I do???

* Well first thing I did was remove all my money from our joint account. I’m now paying my potion of our bills from my own account. I have also removed him from my personal account.

* I have alerts set up on my credit report to make sure he’s not opening any lines of credit in my name.

* I’m continuing to work on me. I’m working on being the best version of myself that I’ve ever been. I’m proud to say that I’m off to a great start.

* As long as I keep my focus on me, I do just fine. But the moment that I turn back to him, all heck breaks loose.

So Woosa, my first piece of advice would be to only focus on what you have control over and that’s “YOU”!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874166 12/02/19 02:07 PM
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Keep in mind that in most states if he racks up any debt that you are responsible for half of it.

LH19 #2874168 12/02/19 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

Keep in mind that in most states if he racks up any debt that you are responsible for half of it.


You’re right. However, in my state if I can prove I didn’t agree to or know about the debt, I can possibly get out of being on the hook for it. My aunt did just that to my uncle. He walked away with debt he created without her knowledge. So there may be hope for me. Fingers crossed!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
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Hi. Sorry for short threadjack. Let me ask you a question. I would be more optimistic about my sitch (which you commented on last night) if he hadn't filed for divorce already. I suspect he will get to the point he wishes he had not done it (may be there already) but isn't it like admitting you "lost" to take it down? I don't know how the guy rationalizes in his mind, especially if the LB wife has made changes and appears to be okay? Could it be they won't do it because they've staked out a position and they're stuck with it or afraid the door is now closed? My H voiced that fear a few years ago.

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Originally Posted by Newbie20
Hi. Sorry for short threadjack. Let me ask you a question. I would be more optimistic about my sitch (which you commented on last night) if he hadn't filed for divorce already. I suspect he will get to the point he wishes he had not done it (may be there already) but isn't it like admitting you "lost" to take it down? I don't know how the guy rationalizes in his mind, especially if the LB wife has made changes and appears to be okay? Could it be they won't do it because they've staked out a position and they're stuck with it or afraid the door is now closed? My H voiced that fear a few years ago.



Newbie20, perhaps your question was for LH19 or Ready2change, I’m sure they will give you great feedback to your questions.

However, let me say this...they are not thinking logically, they are thinking with emotion. When my husband declared he wanted a divorce (the first time he’s said the words this entire 2 years) it could have been because emotions were high. I won’t claim to know if he meant it or not. Only he knows that.

I think in my own sitch my husband isn’t setting out to hurt me. I think each time he hurts me he wants out more. It must be painful to see my face each day. Each day he sees my face, he’s reminded of all the pain he’s caused. So what do emotionally immature people do? They run from situations rather than try to fix the damage they’ve caused.

I can say without a shadow of doubt that my husband is extremely emotionally immature. He’s just all around immature right now. He truly is in a second adolescence. He’s got a lot of maturing and growing up to do. It’s sad to watch because he’s 46, but it is what it is.

At the end of the day those of us who think with logic and ration will never be able to understand why they do the things they do.

I may be wrong but my husband may go through with the divorce as well. I mean look at all the damage he’s caused. He’s obviously not committed to our marriage or working on himself...so why would he be committed to doing the long hard work to clean his mess up?

So my theory is that they won’t stop the divorce because they aren’t committed to the marriage or to doing the work to repair the damage caused. They also aren’t committed to looking in the mirror and fixing themselves. So what do they do? They run and jump back into another relationship. Then the cycle repeats itself. They are looking for another person to fix what they should be fixing themselves. The problem isn’t the relationship...the problem is the people in the relationship.

Lastly, I will say that the changes that you made need to be for you and not to try to win your husband back. It NEVER works. Want to know how I know? I tried it!!!!! All those things you fixed were necessary changes, but they weren’t the cause for the demise of your marriage. How do I know? Well you fixed all the things and your husband still filed for divorce, right? See it was never those things.

There are plenty of people who have problems in their marriage that don’t run to divorce court.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
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Well said! I would also like to add I could have wrote the exact same thing about my ex. They are even the same age lol.

I knew you would provide great advice here.

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I didn't make the changes until after he filed and now he is moving back toward me. There is also no OW.

LH19 #2874183 12/02/19 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

Well said! I would also like to add I could have wrote the exact same thing about my ex. They are even the same age lol.

I knew you would provide great advice here.


Wow LH19 so you can clearly relate to my situation.

You know the thought of getting involved with someone new scares me. Of course I’m in no way ready to date or think about that. But I often wonder what my life will look like if I’m no longer married. Like what will the dating world look like. Have you started dating?

I’m glad I can be of help here!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874185 12/02/19 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Living


So Woosa, my first piece of advice would be to only focus on what you have control over and that’s “YOU”!


Yes! I’ve come to the realization that I can only work on myself. I’ve stopped telling him about all the things that I wish he could do better. If he’s not moving forward, I’m not gonna hold myself back for him.


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Originally Posted by Newbie20
I didn't make the changes until after he filed and now he is moving back toward me. There is also no OW.


Got it Newbie20. Sorry for any confusion on my part. Just please make sure you’re making the changes for you. They always notice the changes but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. They may even enjoy the changes you make. However, the questions remains...what changes are they making?

I got clear pretty early on the changes I needed to make for myself. I’m determined to be the best version of myself. For the last year I’ve been working hard on ME. I’m not making any of these changes for my husband. I’m doing it because the changes were necessary for me to grow.

Has he noticed? You bet he has. Is he still attracted to me? Heck yes! I imagine some of my changes continue to draw him back to me. I mean most men are attracted to a woman who is independent and has her stuff together.

That book the Art of Seduction helps too! Lol!

All that said, my husband is still stuck in the tunnel. So although I’m making my own positive changes, he’s not. He’s having fun being selfish, immature, and irresponsible. So in all actuality, we currently have nothing in common.

So I say all this to say that no change that I’ve made has made my husband committed to our marriage. He’s selfish and only focused on himself. So that’s why I say make necessary changes for you and no one else.

My goal is to keep my side of the street clean. I don’t own my husband. He’s his own person. So he has the right to decide he doesn’t want to be married anymore. But...but...but...I’m making sure if he does walk away it will be because he chose to not because I did something worthy of divorce.

I remain committed to my vows. I would never give him the satisfaction of being able to use anything I do as justification for HIS divorce.

Imagine how hard it must be for him to know he’s had affairs, been a liar, been selfish, been disrespectful, been childish, been immature....and all the while I’m over here just remaining faithful to him and my vows whistle

Last edited by Living; 12/02/19 03:34 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
wooba #2874191 12/02/19 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Woosa
Originally Posted by Living


So Woosa, my first piece of advice would be to only focus on what you have control over and that’s “YOU”!


Yes! I’ve come to the realization that I can only work on myself. I’ve stopped telling him about all the things that I wish he could do better. If he’s not moving forward, I’m not gonna hold myself back for him.


Good for you Woosa! By all means don’t let him hold you back. Take this time to focus on you. I made a list of things I wanted to change/improve. It’s felt good checking things off my list. It takes time but just get up everyday determined to be better than you were the day before! Hugs to you! I know this is tough, but know you’re stronger than what you probably think. Dig down deep, we all have an inner warrior in us!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874195 12/02/19 03:48 PM
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Oh yes to a T. She never wanted to hurt me in fact she gave me a great settlement, let me have the martial home, we even had sex up to the very end. Just didn’t want to be married anymore. Lost and to immature to do the work. Still a good mom so that’s a blessing.

Now what you might not want to hear:

I updated my sitch for first time in 2.5 years. I found out she’s dating a friend of a friend who is a total loser and way below me. It’s been about 16 months so she’s lonely and settled. Of course how it effects the group dynamic is another annoyance to me. She’s broken and I can’t fix her and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

I’ve been dating on and off for a year. It’s debatable on if I just haven’t found the right one or I was still attached to ex. Probably both. I will say there is no shortage of available good women but I have heard the pool of men isn’t great. Sorry. My latest setback hit me hard but I think I’m finally ready to move forward and leave the past behind.

It’s a process for sure!

LH19 #2874198 12/02/19 04:04 PM
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Wow LH19...

Sorry to hear she’s dating a friend of a friend. That messed up. But it just goes to show like you said, she hasn’t grown at all. I hate to say it but I think my husband will take a similar path. He may not date any of our mutual friends, but I’m sure his next partner will be a downgrade from me. Both of his AP’s were both MAJOR downgrades and I don’t say that with an ounce of arrogance. It’s just a true statement and he admitted it.

I think they latch on to people who are just as messed up as they are. I like to use the analogy, that drug addicts hang with other drug addicts. Sober people don’t want to hang with drug addicts be use they have nothing in common.

So our spouses go find those people who won’t expect more from them because they don’t expect more for themselves

We’ve had sex off and on for the past 2 years and most of the time it was awesome and passionate. I still have love for my husband but the attraction has faded. So I know that there were times we were sexually active and I was just getting a need filled and vice versa. Our souses are familiar to us so it’s different than being a complete stranger. .

I’ve heard that about the dating pool. That’s why it’s so scary. A lot of women and not too many men. If we get divorced, I’ll probably be by myself for a long time. I’m not interested in dating a bunch of man-kids.

I’m sending you hugs. This is so hard. But I’m sure you’ll be just fine because you’re strong!

Last edited by Living; 12/02/19 04:05 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874200 12/02/19 04:32 PM
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You know it’s weird that I was drawn to your sitch early and I don’t typically post to women because I don’t feel I can give them the as good of advice.

It’s not so bad being single. It really isn’t. At my age most of my friends are in horrible marriages so I feel I’m ahead of the game. I’m helping one of my BF plan his divorce.

Again like mine I don’t think your H is in any hurry to leave so this could go on for awhile. I’m glad I know your strong and can handle it.

LH19 #2874202 12/02/19 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
You know it’s weird that I was drawn to your sitch early and I don’t typically post to women because I don’t feel I can give them the as good of advice.

It’s not so bad being single. It really isn’t. At my age most of my friends are in horrible marriages so I feel I’m ahead of the game. I’m helping one of my BF plan his divorce.

Again like mine I don’t think your H is in any hurry to leave so this could go on for awhile. I’m glad I know your strong and can handle it.


I’m glad you were drawn to my thread. You, AS, and Ready2change have been such a great help to me.

I know being single isn’t that bad. I’m by myself a lot as it is already. So I’m getting used to doing things by myself.

My H isn’t in a hurry to leave anytime soon. That’s very obvious. I’m not sure how long this will go on. I’m trying to be financially responsible. We have some projects that we need to compete in our home before it can be sold for a profit. I’m committed to finishing these projects. After that, we will be able to go our separate ways.

Of course this is not what I wanted but I don’t see any growth in my husband so I’m preparing myself for this to be our last holiday season as a married couple.

LH19, I spent some time catching up on your thread, I’m sending you lots of hugs. I’m sorry your ex wife chose to date a mutual friend. Stay strong you’ve got this!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874407 12/03/19 06:17 PM
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So I went to my therapist yesterday. I must say I really like my new therapist. I changed from my old one because it was no longer working. I wasn’t too fond of her advice,

Any who, this was my second session with the new therapist. During therapy we talked some about my H. So my therapist said she would like to have a session with the both of us. I told her I didn’t think my husband would come. She said, you can’t make him but let’s extend the invitation.

When I got home last night the H asked me how my appointment went. I said great. He asked if I wanted to talk about the appointment. I told him that all I wanted to say was that it was going well. I did tell him that she would like to have a session with the 2 of us next week. He asked the day and time and to my surprise said...I’ll take the day off so I can attend.

He said he hopes he doesn’t make things worse.

That said, my therapist has advised me that if my husband is dead set on D that I need to plan for my exit. She suggested that I ask him to leave the house. I said I already have and he won’t. She then suggested for my sake and the sake of my son, that maybe it will be best for me to leave then. She said of course you want to save up and plan but you can’t stay stuck in this space.

I told her about the work we are doing on the home, she said you don’t have to live there for you both to work on the home.

I can’t say that I totally disagree with her. It’s obvious after 2 years of this that my husband isn’t anywhere close to wanting to do the work on himself let alone any marriage. He seems to have his mind made up.

I don’t feel like I should have to leave our home but it’s like how long should I stay in this limbo? Ughhhhh!!!! mad


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874419 12/03/19 07:21 PM
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Quote
She then suggested for ... the sake of my son, that maybe it will be best for me to leave then.
Quote
I don’t feel like I should have to leave our home
Did she give you reasons why she thought it would be best for your son?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Quote
She then suggested for ... the sake of my son, that maybe it will be best for me to leave then.
Quote
I don’t feel like I should have to leave our home
Did she give you reasons why she thought it would be best for your son?







She actually said for the sake of my son and myself. She said I need to love myself more than trying to wait for my husband to come around. And that I need to be an example for my son so that he doesn’t think this is how a relationship should be. She said she understands that I have compassion for my husband but I also need to have Love for myself. She said if my husband wants a divorce then there’s no reason to prolong that.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874421 12/03/19 07:31 PM
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Living,
Just for some perspective on leaving. I was dead set on not leaving the house but after 2 years and 1 month almost to the day I moved out and rented a place on Nov 1. Financially it has been a struggle but at the end of the day mentally I am in a far better place. The main reason I wanted to share this though is the immediate changes I saw in my kids. I had been stuck for so long sharing the house that I think I became blind to the real effects the situation was having on my kids. A huge weight was lifted off their shoulders. All three are much happier, they are all sleeping much better and gone are the tummy aches, wanting to stay home from school etc. Just some observations I wanted share.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
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RyanHun #2874425 12/03/19 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by RyanHun
Living,
Just for some perspective on leaving. I was dead set on not leaving the house but after 2 years and 1 month almost to the day I moved out and rented a place on Nov 1. Financially it has been a struggle but at the end of the day mentally I am in a far better place. The main reason I wanted to share this though is the immediate changes I saw in my kids. I had been stuck for so long sharing the house that I think I became blind to the real effects the situation was having on my kids. A huge weight was lifted off their shoulders. All three are much happier, they are all sleeping much better and gone are the tummy aches, wanting to stay home from school etc. Just some observations I wanted share.


Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad to hear that you and your kids have adjusted well to your move. I’m sure my son would be fine if we moved. He’s 16 and doing things teenagers do. You know they very rarely have time for the parents. Lol.

I have some decisions to make. I’m going to see how this appointment goes next week. It’s been 2 years since all this began, maybe it’s time for me to move on. I’m still so torn but I can see how moving on could be good for me but again I’m torn.

I think I was banking on him relocating. Then he decided to stay. Now he wants to fix the things that need work in our house. He doesn’t want to start the divorce until after that’s all done.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to leave this dude. That frustrates me.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living #2874428 12/03/19 07:55 PM
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Last edited by job; 12/03/19 10:10 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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