Just got a text from W asking if I'm monitoring her (I'm not). She said she was freaked out when I said I'd seen a suspicious text on her phone last week (talking about potential OM to her sister, but not conclusive EA or PA). Not sure why this came up now.
I replied, "No, I would never do that. I'm focusing on myself right now, and have no desire to monitor you."
Was this a good response? Trying to train myself to do this right.
I never get why LBS post "This is what I did"
A better choice is to wait to respond and post "How should I respond to this text?" get several options. Pick the one you think is best and then reply.
Also, never reveal your sources of intel. Do not reveal what you know, only that you do know.
My response: H"W, why are you freaked out. do you have something to hide?" W:"Bla bla bla ...private. bla bla bla" H"Secretes between married people is never good for the relationship." W" bla bla bla nothing to hide bla bla bla: H:"We both know that is not true" W bla bla bla justify my deception" W"Bla bla bla W:Bla bla Bla bla are you going to answer me??" H"I believe it is better to have this conversation in person" W: Bla bla bla"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yesterday I really didn't think I could do this. Today is better; I feel more like myself, and CONFIDENT.
See? These feelings come and go. The sooner you understand that and TEACH YOURSELF how to manage them the sooner you will take charge of your life.
Your W is asking if you're monitoring b/c she's probably doing something she shouldn't be, like texting her OM. Your response was good, but a bit lengthy. Try to phrase things as naturally as possible.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Regarding how you answered your W...….it was good.
We use what I call DB language on the board. You are picking up on it, and will see what I mean as you go along. I caution you about using that language with your W. For example, we told you to focus on yourself, right? Then you repeated that phrase to your W. However, this was not meant for her to hear. Just you. It's best if you don't try to pass along to her something that sounded good to your ears. I've seen other H's take something from the board and work in his conversation with the W, b/c he thinks it will influence or impress her. Usually, it just sounds odd and out of place. She knows he's picked it up from somewhere, b/c it doesn't sound like him. Make sense? However, the way you said it wasn't too bad.
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I replied, "No, I would never do that
Such a nice-guy response. She immediately put you into playing defense.
Why do you suppose she suspected you of monitoring her. The bigger question is why would she freak out?
I think this would be a good time to send her the text about going radio silent.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In your spare time while you are away from home, you might purchase a little book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think you will see yourself within those pages. Unless there is some mental issue with your W, I can almost guarantee you that the root of the problem is that she has lost a certain amount of respect for you as a man. You may have a fantastic job that supplies every material thing she could want. However, if you've allowed her to wear the pants in the relationship, then she has lost attraction for you. That's how it works. Women are designed emotionally to where they have to feel respect for the H, in order to feel attraction/desire for him. Although a woman likes and wants emotional needs met by the H, he cannot coddle her to the point he is in more of a subservient position in the MR. Make sense?
As soon as I finish The Divorce Remedy I'll pick that up. Our relationship dynamic has shifted drastically after 1st BD, I became much more needy and emotional, started having panic attacks, severe depression, etc. We BOTH became much more dependent on each other when we moved far away from our friends and family, but over the last year she has started pulling away, requesting more space, going on more trips with her girlfriends.
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How have things been in the bedroom for the last couple of years (maybe longer)? Be honest, we're all friends here.
That's a complicated question. Our sex life has certainly dwindled over the last two or so years, but we almost always reach the target together. W's become very controlling in the bedroom, getting visibly angry when I do anything "out of script", and essentially ordering me around. This has definitely impacted my experience, and I've tried to discuss it with W, but she really places all of the dissatisfaction on my shoulders.
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Before this situation came from her recent trip, how would she usually act when you were away from each other?
We would generally talk on the phone daily, or at least text message multiple times. She would send me sweet messages, sometimes pictures. It felt very natural to me.
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That's great, Jamine. How long has it been since you've felt like yourself?
I've been very depressed for the last 6 months, and TBH it's hard to remember. Probably not in the last two or so years. I should have started IC a while ago.
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I think you previously said something about struggling with not enough confidence. Do you know why this is a struggle for you? Would you say your W builds your confidence by showing admiration, or does she tear you down by critical remarks?
She used to show me admiration constantly - she was almost obsessed with me. She'd stare at me all the time and constantly tell me how amazing, smart, good looking, I was. There's been a gradual shift over the past year or so, with more tearing down remarks, but not exclusively or anything. Before 2nd BD she was starting to seem more like herself and was very supportive.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
In regards to the text message that I saw. I was sitting with her and helping her set up an app two days before I left town (last week). Afterwards, I looked at the pictures on her phone - definitely a bad move, but she was right next to me and didn't say anything. I saw a few screen shots of text messages. One was to her sister gushing over this guy. Another was between her and the guy, and it looked pretty flirty. I immediately confronted her, and she told me it was harmless and got super defensive about her phone. I completely collapsed and apologized, and she said she forgave me. We've not talked about it since.
I have no idea why she screenshotted those texts. Seems very careless or fishy.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
One was to her sister gushing over this guy. Another was between her and the guy, and it looked pretty flirty. I immediately confronted her, and she told me it was harmless and got super defensive about her phone. I completely collapsed and apologized, and she said she forgave me. We've not talked about it since.
I have no idea why she screenshotted those texts. Seems very careless or fishy.
J I am going to be completely blunt with you. If you don't change your behavior immediately, you are going to dig yourself into a hole you will not be able to get out of and it will end badly for you. You caught your wife sending completely inappropriate texts to another man and you collapse and apologize WTF??????? She forgave you WTF????
Look man I know this stuff is not easy but the first thing you need to do is find your b@lls and let her know this is completely unacceptable behavior to you. You can't control her but if you let her walk all over you I guarantee it will end badly for you.
Please read up on boundaries and start to think about whether you are ok being in an open marriage.
Look man I know this stuff is not easy but the first thing you need to do is find your b@lls and let her know this is completely unacceptable behavior to you. You can't control her but if you let her walk all over you I guarantee it will end badly for you.
I know, I really messed up here. I was completely out of my mind and thought that maybe this was just a friendly thing, and I was scared of losing her. This is why I'm here, and I'll never make this mistake again.
I feel like a confrontation is not the answer right now, especially since I'm states away from W this month.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
I know, I really messed up here. I was completely out of my mind and thought that maybe this was just a friendly thing, and I was scared of losing her. This is why I'm here, and I'll never make this mistake again.
J, This is the problem. What you fear you attract.
Just so you know I am not asking you to confront her I am just telling you that you don't apologize for her BS behavior.
Lets talk about your fears. Why do you fear losing her? Will your life be over? Are you afraid to live alone? Are you afraid you won't find anyone else?
Below is a post I want you to read to help you understand what is happening right now.
Very sorry for what you've gone through here, it's heartbreaking. You've done some things very well and handled the initial situation as well as can be expected. More recently however you're falling into a very familiar pattern that leads to a long period of pain and limbo.
Being in this situation is like dying of thirst floating on a raft in a poison lake. Everyone will tell you not to drink the water, and why you shouldn't drink the water and what will happen to you if you drink the water. You can intellectually understand what they're saying, you "get it", you can convince yourself that you're not going to drink the water, but each night when you go to sleep and each morning when you wake up, you're thirsty as hell and the water is right there, so it's extremely easy to convince yourself that a little sip can't hurt. Despite the fact that you know you should not drink the water, you will just keep doing it because you keep convincing yourself it’s okay to do so because you're just dying of thirst.
So how do we bring that to your scenario? There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.
You are not safe for her to approach until she feels you've let her go. That's a simple truth, but incredibly hard to accept.
Reaching out to W, making overtures, contacting W's family, talking to OM's W, snooping on W, this is all "drinking the poison water"
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
You're dying of thirst (feeling out of control), and pursuing W is drinking the water out of the poison lake. You think it will satisfy your thirst each time you do it, but really it's just making you sicker.
We will tell you "don't drink the water!" Intellectually you'll agree, but the water is always there and logically it seems that drinking it is the shortest path to no longer being thirsty.
Instead, you need to paddle your ass to the shore, leave the raft behind, and get a drink somewhere else.
That's not code for having your own affair or finding a new woman to have a relationship with. It has to do with finding an authentic way to rebuild your feeling of being in control, controlling your own destiny and getting your mojo back.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
Don't drink the water. I know its right there. Don't drink it. There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.
