I had an interesting therapy session today. I have been debating not going anymore, because I'm not spinning. I've kind of reached a point where yes, I'm sad about W leaving, but I also am moving towards accepting it and I'm generally in a good space.
(I should note: This all changes every time I hear from her. Let's keep me honest here.)
Going to IC doesn't make you not be sad. It helps you deal with the sadness. I'm still sad, but I can just deal with it.
But I now think that the once every 4-6 weeks check-in is actually kind of helpful to me, and today solidified that a bit. I tend to work things out in my mind verbally, so talking to a therapist really helps me get to a place of understanding.
Today I was talking about how I've been really interested in my own and my friends'/family's Myers-Briggs assessments. I've been watching how these personality types interact differently with one another.
For myself, I'm an INTP. In general, I'm a "hyper-processor". I am constantly examining the world around me and considering it carefully. I don't exist much outside of my own head. I'm always analyzing everything around me. To me, the world is one giant extremely fun puzzle.
In talking about this my IC mentioned that in my case, she thinks my personality type of being a "processor" is in part what has actually allowed me to work through this difficult time. It was an interesting thought, and it gave me pause.
In my recent readings of my Myers Briggs type the personality short-comings have also helped me to refocus on areas I need to grow in. Descriptions have been pretty spot-on for me, so it's nice to have an outside view of ways in which I should focus.
I share this with everyone in case reading-up on your own personality type is helpful to you in your own healing. All types are equal but different. And maybe just being aware of our own strengths and shortcomings will lead to good growth.
That might be true, Tryhard. I've found reading up on my shortcomings very helpful though. For example, I can be absentminded and forget about things that are very important to other people. So I'm trying to remember to ask folks about their lives, and follow-up to see how things are going for them.
I completely get what you're saying about still being sad, but now, just being better able to deal with it. I don't see an IC (I went but didn't find it helpful) but about once a month I see a Reiki guy. I lie on a table and he realigns my chakras. There is not a lot of conversation. He does not know my sitch. He gives me a quick diagnosis at the end of areas I need to work on (communication, family relationships and unblocking me heart chakra). I come out much more grounded, and a little lighter than when I went in. Placebo maybe. But it works for me.
I did the Myers Briggs at uni, and again about 10 years ago as part of a work thing. I am an INTJ (mastermind). When we did it at work, I got an inbox full of pics of James Bond villains - why did the personality type have to be called something so grandiose - Architect would have been just as fitting and not so evil sounding !!!
Oh, well [strokes evil looking cat]
Having re-read my personality type, you are right, there are things I could work on. Being less dismissive of others. Showing an interest in things they're interested in and listening to what they have to say.
I think you're to hard on yourself. INTP is also the "Thinker".
Myers Briggs? I'd say yes, absolutely. Horoscope just takes into account when you're born, but Myers Briggs is an intense questionnaire that asks about your behavior and preferences. It's taking what you tell them about yourself and forming a general profile about how you respond to the world. It used to be pretty popular to do them for work-related assessments as FS pointed out.
I'd say many people find them quite accurate. Of course we still have free will...it's not like they tell us how we will act in the future.
FS: I used to be an INTJ. I switched several years ago when I took the test again. I must be on the cusp. You and I can go off and rule the world together. Can I pet my evil-looking rabbit? I prefer them to cats.
I've never done Reiki. I love how it works for you, and I'd be curious to try sometime.
I'm going to take one of those tests. I'd love to know what sort of personality I have.
Yail - I wanted to thank you again for your list. It really inspired me and a lot about your thread and the way you're dealing with things and the blunt and clear way you commented on my situation helped me too. I've made my own list. Now off to take a Myers-Brigg test if I can find one online!
I worked one of my favorite events on campus tonight, and I loved every minute of if. It was a senior show where these incredibly talented students showed off their absolutely astounding work. In addition to the presentation element (which packs the house every year) it is followed by a reception. Recruiters are working hard to hire these students and I'm just so proud to work here. It's an impressive program.
I executed my part of the event beautifully (I really am good at my job), and I'm quite proud with how the evening went. I really enjoyed working with the team that put it together.
But the most fun part is that I wore a little black dress. It's fitted but decently conservative. High necline, it goes to my knees and sleeveless. But it fits so beautifully now. I even passed by a young woman who was either A) an older student or B) a recruiter (I think she was a recruiter) and she totally checked me out. I've never had that happen! I was thrilled.
Add in about 4 or 5 coworkers who made comments like "Wow you look fantastic!" or even a few joking that I'm a hottie.
It's a weird place I'm in. Somewhere on the road to acceptance.
I worked hard today. Had a client that I was with me all day, and I busted my butt moving heavy furniture and running around for the client. One of those days that's very similar to when I worked in food service and catering: you're on your feet, you're sweaty, and it's non-stop until the day is done. Very physical. Had a great day working with my team.
I smell terrible. But I suppose that's a mark of a good, hard-working day. It's also the result of a polyester shirt I was wearing. Yucky.
The hard work makes me not mind working a Saturday. Working has been my refuge, allowing me the time I need to process my sitch, but keeping me also distracted. Coming home after work today was tough. I am physically exhausted, but mentally still wanting to have a fun Saturday. I don't have any plans with friends today, so I'm feeling a bit melancholy about my life. My legs are jelly making me want to curl up and stay home, but I think I might walk into town to check-out a music festival happening. I'll likely peak in the windows and keep going - I doubt I'll know anyone to join, and I don't want to sit by myself in some random concert/bar. But I don't want to sit in this empty house either.
I still sometimes wonder if W will have a turn-around in a couple years. I wonder what her heart is like these days. I still miss her.
But I have my moments of remembering when she was still here and how I was treated. Some of the bad memories are starting to resurface, and I think I'm processing them. I take a deep breath and sigh. No. My heart says "No". That was not okay. I can't pine for her now, because those actions hurt me so badly. I haven't told anyone except my therapist some of the issues, because they were private. And I wish I could talk about them more. I see just how crazy I must have been feeling to look the other way. I'm not the kind of person to accept that behavior (but I did).
I've been daydreaming about dating, and what that might be like. I don't want to. But I want to. Mostly it's in my head - the thought of what would it be like to get to know someone again? What would it be like to not fear for my heart?
Still no movement on a D from W. I almost hate to write that, because it's probably around the corner. That will still hurt tremendously. I know that I'm still hopeful it won't happen. I'm trying to have my logic override my heart. We have talked about it and I have no reason to believe she won't follow-through. I still don't want this. I want my W back. I really do. But I want a version of her that talks to me and doesn't bottle her pain. And I want a version of me that doesn't censor my thoughts and feelings. THAT I know I am getting. Every day I feel better at that part of myself.
