Oh Yail. I am so sorry that you feel like this. But you have been through worse. And you will get through this. Your feelings right now are completely understandable. You go for months with little contact, feel like you’re doing ok, and then wham, it hits you again. But, I’m although it has the same intensity it will pass much quicker. I promise - each stin hurts as much as the first, but it won’t stay as long. Feel it, understand where it comes from and then get back up and just keep going. You can do this.
Your heart is broken. But time and distance will help it to heal. You are doing so so very well. Read your gratitude posts again. What you felt on those days are still valid today, even more so. You are building a life, fostering friendships, and joining a wonderful community. You are becoming the Yail you were always meant to be.
Get up. Keep going.
I know what you mean about the ring. I took mine off the day he moved out and I regretted it every second it was off. I put it back on after Christmas. I still loved him. I am still married. I wear it because that is where I am at. Plan B maybe but I am being honest with myself. If that’s where your at, then bloody wear it. But wear it for you. Take it off when you are ready and not a moment before.
We are here with you Yail. You are young and in love and sometimes, love [censored]. But if that’s who you are, then [censored] own it. Control you. Be you. Because you are clever and inspiring and caring and kind. Those things have nothing to do with your W.
Thank you FlySolo. I somehow knew you'd have some kind and calming words for me
I'm currently at the college library doing some homework, trying to take my mind of the day. I had to get out of the house. I had a few additional realizations as the hours go by.
1) W's comment "I thought you had moved on" was likely a way for her to assuage herself of her guilt. If I'm okay then she's doing the right thing. I can't do that. I can't say she is or is not doing the right thing. I'm not trying to add guilt and I'm not trying to say I know better. I was just honest with her - yes, I'm trying to move on but it was only because of her decision. I am responding to the option she has given me.
2) Thank you for your validation that I'm not wrong for wanting my ring back on. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, to be honest. But I so appreciate you saying that the decision is only for me.
3) W's interaction with me was calmer than I have seen her in months. No anger. I sensed she still blames me for us getting to this point, but she did not come out and say this. It was how she said, "I'm disappointed we got to this point to". If I were to speculate, I'd say for her this is completely about me not supporting her desire to pursue her new job. Again, I'm not trying to say she's right or wrong - just that this is what I'm witnessing from my perspective right now.
The space may be changing her. I know it's changing me. This is neither good nor bad, it's just a natural progression of what we're going through. Neither of us will be the same.
Tomorrow is another day. I have a busy week coming up. I'm going to try to focus on that, and allow my subconscious to process this continual struggle.
Today I'm speaking to everyone with an exaggerated and forced patience because I'm two seconds from either snapping at someone or publicly bursting into tears. My teammates are eyeing me cautiously because they knew I was going to see W this weekend. So far they've gotten the message that I don't want to talk about it right now. Business only, if you please.
It's a "walls up" kind of day with my heart. Move through the day as strongly as I can, I will be okay.
I'm not consciously eating less but being on my own definitely has me consuming far fewer calories than I used to in both meals and beverages. I put on a sweater this morning that came out of the wash and it shrunk a bit but boy do I look like I lost weight.
An interesting mental shift over the past couple of days. It's subtle, but I've had a couple realizations.
Having my ring off has been difficult. It stabs a bit each time I notice, but I think keeping it off might ultimately help me in moving forward.
I realized so much of my resistence to "moving on" (whatever that means, TBH) is that I have this feeling that W might "turn around" or I'll somehow miss an opportunity for her wanting to R. I feel like if she sees me moving on she would miss an opportunity to speak up about her doubts. I think this is a common LBS narrative, and I only realized I was thinking it this week. Once I realized that's what I was hanging on to it became a bit clearer that I'm waiting for something that won't happen.
Keeping my ring on was a way for me to say to myself, "See? I NEVER gave up on us". But I do think there is a bit of delusion to this mentality. Maybe it's my pride that just wants to be right in the end - that I know we had a great R.
If W does turn around I'm not gone yet. I'm not seeking a R with someone else, I'm not dating, I'm not moving. I'm still open to the idea of R. But I think I'm starting to feel the "It's not that easy anymore" feeling come over me. That she will need to ACTUALLY WANT to R which means she will actually need to speak up. She can't just slip back into life with me without those very honest and authentic conversations happening.
I'm not putting up roadblocks. I'm not shutting her out. I'm just maybe not waiting for her either. At least I'm starting to feel that shift - I know I'm not fully there yet.
It's a painful process to let go.
"As anyone who has sat in Lotus for more than a few minutes knows - it's a h3(( of a lot easier to stay than to go" - A. Gibson
I think my decision to take my ring off two weekends ago turned out to be the right call for me right now, despite the pain. We are still legally married, but we have barely had any communication the past 6ish months since W moved out. I need to live my life in a non-holding pattern.
I am inching my way forward with acceptance that our marriage is over. Some days it's okay. Some days it's harder. But overall I see the pattern move more towards "okay" and I am sad that I take comfort in that.
The distance has allowed me to become clear in my needs. My needs from a partner are more than W was giving me in the 5 months before she asked for D. It really was a switch from BD. Before that she truly was a wonderful loving partner. But the anger and snark and how she acted between BD and asking for the D...was not okay.
On the boards everyone always says, "Don't be Plan B" and I always have agreed. But the emotions of the LBS are so hurt that we would almost take being Plan B if it meant our M was restored. Time has allowed me to truly FEEL that I absolutely will never be Plan B. It's not rhetoric anymore. Time and space has allowed me to believe it. I take pleasure in this for any future relationship.
I am a bad@$$ mother-f'in queen. I know it. And I will be treated as such. And I will treat a true partner as such in return, and bow down to her in response.
I am inching my way forward with acceptance that our marriage is over. Some days it's okay. Some days it's harder. But overall I see the pattern move more towards "okay" and I am sad that I take comfort in that.
I remember this feeling. It was about 6 months post MO and I started to regain my life back. Like, really regain my life back. When GAL'g stopped feeling forced. I woke up early one morning and I sat outside and just cried. It was a weird feeling ... a sense that I would be OK ... and the sadness that comes with that.
I am still in the holding pattern, but I am OK with that as well. Acceptance does not mean giving up. It's just accepting there is nothing you can do to fix it.
There has been a definite shift in your posts of late. They are more hopeful and optimistic for your future. Maybe you needed that little bump in the road to realise that you would be OK.
Whilst I like this take no prisoners Yail, To me a [censored] queen is someone who has hardened her heart. The Yail I am getting to know is articulate and clever but more importantly, she is thoughtful, compassionate and kind. She has a beautiful heart worthy of being loved by someone equally clever and equally kind.
I appreciate your edits on my email - they spoke a lot about how thoughtful, articulate and kind you are (and also that you are in the academic field :)). TBH I am still waivering about sending it.
Acceptance does not mean giving up. It's just accepting there is nothing you can do to fix it.
YES. Exactly this. I have really been ruminating on this idea, and you've hit the nail on the head.
I have not and do not intend to ever shut out W from my heart entirely. I can only handle my own improvements and live my own life. And we must live in the now and accept what we have in front of us - which contains so much good. You have your children. I have...well, nothing as grand as children, but other really fun and exciting things that bring me joy. My family, for sure. And a new-found sense of freedom and creativity.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There has been a definite shift in your posts of late. They are more hopeful and optimistic for your future. Maybe you needed that little bump in the road to realise that you would be OK.
And I'm not so naive to think there won't be additional bumps. Hopefully no major potholes. I'm sure there will be. But I will be okay, that's for sure.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Whilst I like this take no prisoners Yail, To me a [censored] queen is someone who has hardened her heart.
I hear what you're saying - but that wasn't my intent. I think I'll need some different words to express what I mean.
I guess I feel those words in a more: This is Yail, this is all of me in my wide and varied glory. I'm wonderful and also deeply flawed, and seek another person to share that human experience. I am in awe of what it means to be human and how grand we are, each of us with such power. I truly wish to honor the power that I have, and acknowledge the power that a future R partner will have.
Although, perhaps I described with those other words because I'm really digging my black nail polish. I'm digging the rock'n'roll glam look hardcore these days!
FS - as always - you're the best. Take a rest. I know there's a lot on your plate with considering your letter, but be sure you take some time for yourself where H doesn't take up mental space.
I hope you don't mind me chipping in. I've been reading your thread but I don't think I've posted before. You seem to be in such a sad place. It's strange, in the midst of all the heartache and uncertainty and upheaval, how all those little things - like the wearing of a ring or not - can mean so much and cause so much internal change. I'm still wearing my ring. H took his off when he left, then put it back on again about two days later. He came to the house once to pick up the kids and I saw he wasn't wearing it and I burst into tears. Turned out it was in his pocket and he'd taken it off because he was exercising. He put it back on in front of me. I always see it on his hand now - but I don't know if he just puts it on when he knows he's going to see me so he doesn't have to deal with me being upset. That's how crazy my mind gets about it all sometimes. I am trying to get that go and get to a place of acceptance - the place you are on your way to being.
Ah, the [censored] ring ... to take it off or not take it off ... such a trivial thing, but it says so much.
I found a photo the other day of when D12 was a toddler. He was sitting next to her, look of content and concentration on his face, his left arm around the back of her chair so I could see his hand, ring shining on his finger. I never use to notice his ring before. Now, it is the first thing I look for when I look at old photos of us. That I guess is what taking something for granted means.
I took mine off and then put it back on. I am thinking about taking it off again but know that if I do, I will never put it back on again. His has been off since the day after he MO (taken off at the gym and never put back on).
My family, for sure. And a new-found sense of freedom and creativity.