[Right now documenting my gratitude and happy moods is more beneficial than ruminating on the "what ifs" in my life. I've done quite a bit of seeking answers over the past few months, and I'm in need of a break. Right now I'm trying to truly just step back from the mental overdrive.
I spent the afternoon with future SIL and BFF. We went to the college sports game where we happily sat in the sunshine and casually observed a sport none of us knew the rules to. It was great. BFF brought her lovely daughter who is a "threenager". She went from cranky to thrilled in 2.3 seconds. And then back again. So fascinating! The lives and emotions of toddlers make me smile.
Sundays tend to be homework days, which I procrastinate on every week. I'm currently having temper-tantrums (maybe I'm the three-year-old?) over why I need to learn PHP when HTML5 is the new standard. If someone would like to enlighten me, that would be great. But from what I'm seeing, HTML5 is the new standard for responsive web pages, so why am I learning how to bring PHP in with XHTML. Seriously - does anyone know!?
But after my Javascript classes, this class is a walk in the park. Which makes me think I was on the right track with focusing on Javascript - it seems to be a better challenge for me.
This is my last class for a while, then I'll take the summer off to focus on work. Next fall I'm considering moving to the software side of things, and picking up some Java and C# at the suggestion of SIL. I'm a bit nervous for that - I hear Java can be a challenge. But then there's my favorite quote that always keeps me motivated as a young woman in Tech....
“The vast majority of machines are still designed, built, driven and fixed by men. Therefore, they cannot be that complicated.” - Ivan Coyote
Yail, On the server end of my site, mysql does all the heavy lifting in terms of database management. Will HTML5 allow the same level of interactions with databases (e.g. searches, queries, and the like)?
See now THAT is a legitimate answer I was looking for! Good point.
My class has a less-than-stellar textbook, so this very basic question was not answered. This gives me a great jumping off point for some further reading.
This stood out on your first post of your new thread:
Originally Posted by Yail
I've said it before and it's still how I feel: I want for this to be a separation, not a divorce. I know I can't just decide that but I'm putting it out into the universe. I'm finding the space good for me, and I'm hoping it's good for her. We both had some areas to grow in and I'm really trying to use my time wisely. But I also think she is my teammate and my lover, and I don't want to lose her. I can go NC, but I'm still hoping that it's not forever.
I quote the above because I have felt the same way earlier in the year as you do now. And while I cannot put into words as to the reasoning for that mindset, I do know the feeling you are describing. I am not sure if your feelings have wavered between not wanting a divorce and wanting the divorce as fast as possible, or anything in between. I know those feelings will swing back and forth for a long time, even after the paperwork has been filed.
What I do see is that you are still in love with her. There was an article I googled that showed me what "being in love" is versus "love". (To find it, google "in love" and find the link "6 Differences Between Loving Someone and Being In Love"). And from my viewpoint, there is nothing wrong or weird with having those feelings. Further, as R2C and AS have informed me before, there is always hope of reconciling and getting back together. As long as you feel you have hope for that, then you will always have a chance.
I also recognize that you are putting forth the effort of detaching from her. Holy crap, it's difficult isn't it?!? But do you also see that as you continue to detach and work on focusing your mind and body on other things like self-improvement, improvement of your environment, improvement of your connections to family and friend that you see and feel a change in yourself? A change of being a stronger, better, happier version of you? A Yail who can look at her self in the mirror and say "I am a wonderful, kickass, strong, attractive woman. If my W does not see me for the great person I am, then some other lucky person will."?
If not, then you should work on changing your mindset towards that.
From my viewpoint, you already are on your way. Don't give up. Keep up the growth. Keep up the hope.
Phoenix, what a lovely note. It's true that I still do love W in some very strong ways. But I don't see this as being in conflict with loving myself - and right now I absolutely am making decisions based on what "I" need (no longer what "we" need). I make these decisions unapologetically.
Yes, detaching is difficult. Because a large part of my brain is still in "we" mode. I catch myself in language. I say to friends, "come over to our house" when it is not "our" house. I have to re-write my future and that's a tough pill to swallow.
I've written this before, but I really do feel that when W moved out my emotions exploded in both directions. I feel a deeper sadness than I've ever experienced but also very high positives sometimes. It's like I woke up. I was living in a happy little mundane world without really feeling I was part of it. Now I'm a participant and the trade-off is that I feel this incredible pain every daywhile also feelingthis incredible sense of power at the openness in the world and all the possibilities ahead of me. Boy, I sure wish I had this feeling while still with W.
I do look in the mirror and genuinely love myself. I am absolutely kick-ass, and I have the funky new haircut to prove it:) I am working on bringing this self into other people's lives in non-romantic ways. My greatest growth right now is being social. I was a painfully shy child but as an adult I genuinely like people. Having nice interactions and helping people in my job is allowing me to grow in a way I never thought I'd really get to.
This note you wrote me is so kind and wonderful Phoenix. Thank you. I feel like I'm hearing a new you as well ( I do keep up with your sitch). You seem to also be turning corners every day. We all do the 2 steps forward and 1 step back dance but you seem to be stepping forward, forward forward and doing so with genuine interest in self improvement. So happy for you.
I second Phoenix note. You are doing wonderfully Yail. Post BD, we do everything we can to try and win our spouses back, but find that winning them back comes second to winning ourselves back. You are on your way there.
The two steps forward one step back dance will continue until we either R (and then a new dance begins) or we drop the rope. None of us know which path our journeys will take until we get there.
Head up, back straight and as much bounce in our step as we can muster, until we do.
None of us know which path our journeys will take until we get there.
What an interesting thought for me to turn about in my brain. I hadn't really thought about this. I think so often we move forward with some kind of bull-headedness of "THIS is the direction I'm going now!". Some folks that's fighting for R, some folks that's fighting for D. I think a lot of folks feel the need to fight through this.
How interesting.
Right now I'm going to start experiencing a great transition in my work life. I've written about how I love my job right now and that's true. I have one amazing coworker who is going to be retiring in May, and he put us all on notice at the beginning of the year. He will be missed by all. Now I learn that another coworker - my boss - is also retiring. I work on a pretty small team so these two retirements will be a great change in my work-world.
Some people are nervous about this. I think the best description to what I'm feeling is "intrigue". I wonder what will happen next? I wonder how my role, or my fit might change. I wish to continue doing my good work, but if there's an opportunity for any kind of growth I'll leap on that too.
I'm not in turmoil, and I'm not experiencing chaos...but I am experiencing a great deal of change all at once. It's interesting.
My nails are a shiny jet black and long. Not the short unpolished look I used to wear.
If I'm not showing off my undercut I have wild dark curls that frame my face, and a strong mauve lipstick. More and more I'm wearing sleek black clothes. I love my sports jackets. I make an entrance in the room because I'm the only one at work that has the clip-clip-clip of pumps. Heels every day.
Some days I don't smile and allow people to move out of my way because I have $*** to do. I power through the workload on my desk. I look my colleagues in the eye, execute my job precisely, and catch small details that could easily fall by the wayside. I march myself to my colleagues' offices to find answers because if I waited for everyone to answer the phone or respond to an email my job would never get done.
These are the days I have a gate around my heart. I don't allow anything to touch it because it needs time to heal.
Some days I'm all smiles. I meander between cubicles and listen to what's new in everyone's lives. I laugh loudly and authentically. I drink too much coffee or tea and make secret inappropriate jokes. I fake-complain that people don't understand how to work with our department, but then secretly smile when I can solve their problems. I daydream about technology upgrades and write documentation on how I hope to improve our systems. I plan for the future.
These are the days I am strong enough to let the world in.
I'm unapologetic. Both versions of Yail, I'm unapologetic.
I write this all because sometimes I need to visualize myself being strong. Sometimes I'm not. But I know I can be, and the more I remind myself of my power the more good days I have.
The conversation W and I were supposed to have last weekend took place just now. She came to the house for about 30 minutes. Very even keeled conversation about D and selling the house. For the most part.
And then a statement from her that turned me on my head. That she didn't want this D either, but she got the sense from me that I was "moving on" over the past few months.
Record stop.
Wait, what? You got the sense I'm moving on after you asked for a D? Yes. Of course. So I told her point blank, "I'm moving on because I have to. I have no choice. When someone asks you for a divorce you don't fight it. But I still had and still have fight in me (for this R), but I have to respect you asked for a D".
I was on the verge of anger, and she backed off right away, "Yes. You're right. I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't have said that".
I wish I added, "When your wife tells you she doesn't love you anymore, how long am I supposed to fight and plead?". I didn't say it, but I wish I got it off my chest.
She feels we just want different things out of life. There wasn't a point for me to disagree with this statement, though I strongly disagree with this statement. I think we want some different things out of life possibly. I just don't know that for sure.
I went in to the conversation not wanting to have a R conversation, but now I just have so many things I want to say to her about what went down between us the past year.
Earlier in our conversation she asked me how we should proceed with D. I told her she'd need to file since I didn't want it. I think that surprised her.
Our conversation re-cap was how we were moving forward with selling the house and she'd proceed with D.
She left and my first instinct was to send her an email about how frustrated I was. I didn't. That she might be right we want different things, but how could I POSSIBLY know that for sure when she cut me out emotionally starting last spring. We didn't talk about these very important things. We both sealed up our emotions. I take a lot of the responsibility for not being able to talk things through but a great deal of it lies with her as well.
So she's moving forward with the D. It's strange - I feel a pang of hope and I'm trying to squash it. After this conversation where we talked above definitely divorcing, I feel like a tiny door was opened with us both admitting we didn't want it. That we need to hash-out our poor communication and talk about why we shut each other out. But now is not the time. We're too raw. I think we need to sit with what was said today.
I didn't beg or plead with her - I'm not that person anymore. I wasn't mopey or weepy. But I did cry, and so did she. And I did tell her exactly what I thought about not wanting to proceed with D. She can't claim ignorance on that point any more.
Does she not know that I'm still so in love with her? I don't think she does.
When she files maybe I'll let her know exactly what I think. Truly apologize for my part of the M crumbling. Lay it on the table. But not now. Now I think we both need to think about what it meant for us to see each other again. What were the emotions stirred up?
In a hypothetical world: would I move to W's new state to try for a R? This isn't on the table at all. But it's kind of like my own barometer to my feelings. Because this was one of the big pieces of us wanting different things in life. Would I uproot my life for a chance to have an "us" again?
I can't answer that now. I think the potential is there in the long-term. When this new job was being discussed last year I wish I seriously considered us talking about temporarily living in different states as a transition time period. I couldn't see it then, but that would not have been the end of the world. I could see us doing that now - start to slowly talk more and do a long-distance and very slow thing. Why am I seeing this when we just had a full conversation about divorce!? Why am I feeling hope???
But there is so much hurt - especially surrounding the fact that I know she had an EA, and still unconfirmed PA. I don't think she sees what this actually did to me.
I have a weird feeling she might send me an email after today. Maybe not. But I get this sense she has unsaid things too.
My entire understanding of where W is in her life has changed.
A follow-up, now that my emotions have stabilized.
W said she was sorry we got to this place of proceeding with D. To her it is inevitable, there is no way around it. She sees no possible way forward with us together.
OK. I can see that from her perspective. I'll file that away into information I learned.
From what I gather in some things she said, she sees us wanting different things in life. I know from past conversations that she wants a career that consumes her and she is needed in. I also respect and see her point in this. I watched her struggle for 2+ years in jobs that didn't speak to her. But what she doesn't know is that I want that too - and her job and moving was clashing against my building my own career at my current place of employment. I had just gotten out of some poor jobs and finally had one I could grow in. I felt like she was asking me to put my life on hold JUST at the moment I was getting my footing, and that her job was more important.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was angry and jealous and put-out. I wanted my own career to be center stage for once.
I know now that's not what she was saying. She needed a career - was desperate for it. It feeds her. We both felt unheard by the other person.
So perhaps us wanting "different things" is more that we each wanted the same thing for ourselves - but they were in different places.
Maybe.
*******
So W said she could "sense I was moving on" over the past few months. I now wonder what she meant by that. I have given her no indication that I am moving on or stuck. Why does she say that? Because I stopped fighting for us? I stopped R talks?
****** Last night in an effort to prepare for today I took my wedding ring off. I did it right before bed to lessen the sting. I didn't want W to see that I was still wearing it.
This has me crumbling to pieces. I want to put it back on. But I don't know if I can handle taking it off again. I'm sobbing as I write this. Part of me knows I need to move on, but part of me is solidly standing tall saying in my heart, "I am married to this woman". I'm so torn. I don't know what to do.
