"I take you as you are" were the first words to our vows. I've been focusing my thoughts around them recently.
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FlySolo, if I didn't read your note just now I think I'd be spinning. Maybe I'm spinning anyway.
I received a email check-in from W. It was brief and polite, as all of her communications have been. She will be back in town at the end of the month and wishes to figure out "how we are moving forward with things". I take that to specifically refer to the house and legal D.
We had a similar meeting at the end of January where I expected to receive D papers but I did not. We aren't at our 6 month separation mark yet so we can't yet be D, but I keep wondering when she will initiate the process. I do not ask or bring it up. I don't want it. If she wants it she will need to file.
We had talked about a living arrangement where I would rent the house from her for a while. I had told her I'd rent until at least the end of June, with a possible interest in longer than that. That is still my plan for the short term. She keeps asking "what the plan is" as if it has changed and I haven't let her know. I don't know if she feels I've been unclear, or she doesn't remember what we talked about, or if she just wants to keep checking-in to be sure I don't screw her over by moving out without notice. We agreed that I should give her 60 days notice if I wished to move out. This seemed amicable for both of us.
So I lost it when I received this email just a couple of hours ago. I still don't understand why she feels we aren't a good fit together. I am trying so hard to be respectful but I want to scream at her. I just want to know - What changed? When did something so good become so bad for her? When did it go from "things aren't good we need to fix this" to "I no longer wish to fix this and want a D"?
Her communication is all so clear and matter of fact and neutral. It gives me no hope that she's changing her mind. But then her actions baffle me. She has not changed her mailing address - I still pass along much of her mail which comes to the house. I received her car registration in the mail - which she registered in THIS STATE. She moved states. Why would she do that?? I didn't open the mail so perhaps I'm wrong on this one, but it looked like a registration to me by the envelope. Last time I saw her she told me she was going to take a bunch of stuff from the house and gave me a list. Said she'd leave the big pieces until March when she had a moving truck, but would take a bunch of smaller things. She didn't. Spent a morning at the house "packing" and literally nothing is missing.
I know I shouldn't have hope from these actions being wishy-washy. But sometimes I feel like she's killing me. I wonder if she is living with OW (who "supposedly" lives near me, not near her. I don't dare do a Google search to find out.). I don't know if they're seeing each other. If so she is being respectful and not sharing that with anyone.
We're both not posting to social media. I think it's an unspoken rule that we both know the other person would see it, and we aren't trying to show off how "happy" or "unhappy" we are. Social Media is always a lie.
I've said it before and it's still how I feel: I want for this to be a separation, not a divorce. I know I can't just decide that but I'm putting it out into the universe. I'm finding the space good for me, and I'm hoping it's good for her. We both had some areas to grow in and I'm really trying to use my time wisely. But I also think she is my teammate and my lover, and I don't want to lose her. I can go NC, but I'm still hoping that it's not forever.
So I'm back to thanking you FlySolo. What you said was very kind but it also made me pause in my moment of rage and insanity. I struggle so much with this but I honestly want nothing more than to be respectful of W. I know that she's not having the time of her life with this process - no one in their right mind would. So I have to center myself every day and remember that the first line of our vows "I take you as you are. Who you are now, and who you will be". Because even if we truly do separate and are not a couple, I meant those vows. I wish to honor W's path, even when it doesn't align with my own. I respect her too much not to.
This is such an awesome and inspiring post, Yail. Thank you.
How well I understand the difficulty of trying to integrate these two seemingly mutually exclusive impulses: (1) to continue to love W and to stand by your commitment to her; and (2) to love so much that you graciously accept her choice to walk away to pursue her joy as she views it.
Your own choice to abide by your vow to accept her as she is, even as she goes through her journey, is beautiful ... and painful. Regardless of what happens, I trust the strength evidenced by this choice will get you through the pain,
It's true, it is such a struggle. I'm so frustrated with this situation, as we all are. I find I need to refocus my mind several times a day. Mostly I focus on what my next steps are for me. What do I want to accomplish in my life, and I try to focus on that. I try so hard not to focus on W because she is not something I can control.
But when it comes to my W I also remember that I wasn't wrong in choosing her to be my partner. I didn't make a mistake. I still think marrying her was the best thing I ever did. It just may not have been forever. That part remains to be seen.
When I remember the first 9 years I know in my gut we will find our way back to each other again. When I remember the past few months I know we will not. So my head is still in limbo despite W's calmly firm words. My heart wants to see the future so I can potentially close it up and protect it. I insist that it stay open a while longer.
Have you read War and Peace? I did once several years ago. I just recently purchased it so I could read it again. I love Tolstoy. But what I remember most from reading it the first time was the Epilogue. I personally do not believe in God, but after reading the whole book and the Epilogue I remember looking up and thinking, "Oh my gosh. He just proved the existence of God through logic". Now, I don't know if I read it correctly the first time. I could be mis-remembering. But I do remember that Tolstoy brings forward the meaning to life through this specific work. BUT you have to read the whole thing - all of War & Peace - in order to read the Epilogue.
So that's the next method I will use to refocus my thoughts and emotions.
Dostoevsky resonated in my soul in a way Tolstoy never did. My beliefs conform more to the former's existentialist views.
Because friends know I pray, go to Mass almost daily, and read the bible, they assume I am an orthodox believer. I am not. God is simply my abbreviated way of referring to core beliefs defining me and giving my life purpose. Even as I go through this most difficult phase of life, my existential commitment to my beliefs dictate my behavior. And I try not to impose these beliefs on others.
Regardless, whether God or Godless, Dostoevsky or Tolstoy, I believe you and I are both digging deep to respond to our respective W's departure in a way that maximizes our integrity. I guess that's all we can do. For me, trying to stay in touch with this core--in a prayerful, contemplative way--is the only way I can modulate the emotional roller coaster.
From everything you've said, staying "open a while longer" seems the appropriate and courageous stance.
Sending you positive energy over virtual space, Yail. If you can find the time, please do the same for me.
I truly meant what I said, I am in awe of the compassion and understanding you show your W. I would not beat yourself up too much about the temporary set back emotionally. We are all flawed and sometimes we regress back to our baser instincts - which is to immediately react based on the impact on us without examining the wider motivations of those that hurt us. Thankfully these feelings are normally a reaction to something and (for me, now) pass quickly. It helps that I can now walk away when these feelings hit, sit quietly, compose, and then start each day anew.
I cannot speak to your W's motivations, I can only think of it in terms of what my motivations would be. And honestly, there have been times throughout when I have wanted to break all financial ties - sell the house, splits the assets - because (sometimes) I think it would be easier to move on. Clean break. Anyway, something to think about.
What you said about not regretting choosing your W reminded me of something a friend said (I am summarizing many conversations into a single sentence):
"Our wedding day is still the best day of my life. I loved him completely and I know he loved me. We both changed. I will never regret having met him. I could not be with him now".
That to me is moving on with love.
I too am taking the "stay open" stance, but am extending it to "staying open to all possibilities: the possibility of a reconciliation with my H, the possibility of starting a new relationship and also the possibility of being on my own for a while longer". I am letting things unfold as they will.
Jumping into the god conversation. In another life I have read Tolstoy and Dostoevsky but found they tried to hard to intellectualise things. I like the way the divine is described in the Color Purple - I can't remember the exact words but it went along the lines of "It pisses God of if you walk past the color purple and don't notice it". I don't identify with any set religion, but I feel the divine in nature and in all things which bring me a sense of peace - anything by the impressionist, a beautiful handmade wooden chair and in the smiles of my children. I know there is something greater than me. It is not good or evil, it just is. If there is a silver lining in all of this (and there are many), it is that I have come to appreciate the beauty and simple pleasures that life has to offer. I notice now and in noticing, I have felt the presence of 'god'.
Paco and FS -thank you for your notes. I don't want to leave them unanswered. I'm finding I need to step back for a few days to really ruminate over some stuff in my life.
Short story is that I've found myself in a strange land of having an intense crush on someone and attempting to reel in my emotions. I know logically that I'm at a particularly vulnerable place, and need to stay the course in processing my grief over my M. However, these new emotions put a wrench in my calm intent to stand for my M.
I have not done anything and the person I'm crushing on is not pursuing either. She is likely unaware, which is good, so this is a crush from afar. On one hand it's nice to have the feelings of a crush - it's exciting, and human. On the other hand, I do of course love my W and I'm struggling to prioritize an unknown future over short-term fun. It's difficult when I'm so frustrated with W and what she has done to not just walk away completely.
I'm happy enough being "single" (separated), and have no desire to date. I don't want a R with anyone other than W in the near future. I'm quite clear with myself on that.
I'm just working on keeping this crush as a mental-only thing. A fun little distraction in my mind only. I still wish to stay committed to the M until at least our 6-month separation point. That's the point we can be legally D, and I do not know if W will have proceeded with this process or not. Right now we're at the 4-month S mark. I feel that's the point in time for me to check-in with myself on how I'm feeling.
Again - Paco and FS - I'm thinking of you both. I'm going to take a few more days off then come back and consider and comment more on what you have both written. For now, I'm going to buy some hair dye. New me
I am in the same place and somewhere different at the same time.
I received an email from W that just has me wanting to curl up in a ball and cradle my broken heart. It was a polite, clear, kind email on logistics about selling the house and proceeding with divorce. I just don't want this.
I had hopes that we could remain separated but not pursue D since that's not what I want. I had hopes W might change her mind in a year, and that in the meantime I'd build my life up and focus on myself. This email from W is the first mention of D since she asked for one in November, so I had hopes we'd just let it go without progress in that area.
Maybe that's me burying my head in the sand. It might be.
So while W sent this email the thing I have to keep reminding myself is that nothing has changed. W still wants a D. I knew that. So her stating it in email should not send me for a tailspin - this is the same information I already knew. W talking to me about plans to sell the house is not new - it is exactly the same conversation we've been having. So why does this feel like a fresh wound?
I don't know. Maybe just because it might mean we really are moving forward with the D. It's another solid step. W is a "doer" - one of the many things I love about her, because she balances me. I'm the "processor" - I think things through to a fault. Both of us could stand to move towards the middle a bit more in our respective approaches. So since W is a doer I should not be surprised that she's not sitting on this decision and that she's not outwardly wavering. I have no idea what she may be thinking, and I really won't pretend to try.
I'm focused on what I am thinking and feeling. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm scared - I don't know. I don't feel scared, but I'm sure it's there. I'm feeling hurt that the person I gave my heart to doesn't want it, and handed it back to me. I'm feeling desperately lonely in all of this, but I know that will pass. I'm feeling so incredibly heartbroken and sad that the person I chose very, very carefully to be my life partner is not choosing me back.
I don't know where the story goes from here, so I keep that in mind too. There are so many situations on the board that were exactly where I am now and they turn around for the better in a myriad of ways. I still want it to turn around in a very *specific* way that involves reconciling. I haven't moved past that, and I'm not pushing myself to.
I happened to have therapy today which was good timing. My therapist paused, and told me she was torn on encouraging me to emotionally move on or encouraging me to stay. She can see emotionally I'm still very firmly in "stay". She acknowledged that due to the fact we have only be S 4 months she can see why, and she understands my feelings on not being ready to try to move on. I think she pulled back from advising me to move on because she can see that I'm processing this all and not remaining stuck.
I guess there's a difference between "staying" and "stuck". I'll need to keep that in the forefront of my mind as I work through this.
I know it has a finality to it, but in reality, what difference to the way you are living your life today would a D make? You would still be focusing on yourself and trying to make a life for yourself. This doesn't change that.
I asked myself a long time ago would it make any difference to how I lived my life if I knew 100% that he would be back in a year or if I knew 100% that we would be D in a year, and the answer was no. I would still be doing exactly the same things. I would be going to the gym, fostering friendships with women, going out for drinks with work mates, and trying to find out who I am. My desire to find myself is not, and should not, be linked to the decisions my H makes about his future.
Originally Posted by Yail
I don't know where the story goes from here, so I keep that in mind too. There are so many situations on the board that were exactly where I am now and they turn around for the better in a myriad of ways. I still want it to turn around in a very *specific* way that involves reconciling. I haven't moved past that, and I'm not pushing myself to.
I get this. I see others who came after me moving past their spouses in positive ways. I am not there. Maybe it's me, maybe it's my sitch, maybe it's because my H keeps me where I am. I don't know and for a large part it doesn't matter. I (and you) need to stop comparing our timelines with other people's timelines. We will move on when we are ready. For some, it's opening themselves up to the possibility of someone else being out there, for others, it's the D papers that extinguish that last bastion of hope. Something will happen, and your mind will switch. It might be that your W chooses to R and you decide that that isn't what you want after all. Don't push yourself to be somewhere you are not ready to be yet.
I asked myself a long time ago would it make any difference to how I lived my life if I knew 100% that he would be back in a year or if I knew 100% that we would be D in a year, and the answer was no. I would still be doing exactly the same things. I would be going to the gym, fostering friendships with women, going out for drinks with work mates, and trying to find out who I am. My desire to find myself is not, and should not, be linked to the decisions my H makes about his future.
This is exactly right and thank you for the reminder. It's true too. I don't think I would make any different choices in my life if I knew W was coming back or if I knew she wasn't. I am taking my career and my attitude by the reins in a way I hadn't before and I don't intend to let them go ever again. I am really opening up socially which feels wonderful. Your paragraph above is the reminder I need to keep myself in check. Perspective.
I think it's still the undefined future that I'm mourning, and the fact that she may not be in it. I don't "need" her in my everyday, as I'm proving to myself now. I find success on my own. I just want her there, by my side.
Of course, I do mean "The Original W". Who she was for the bulk of our R. I've been chatting with Paco about how hard it is to let go when our WAWs are being kind. In my mind I see W as she should be - strong, confident, loving. I've conveniently forgotten about the 6 months I was on eggshells when she was mentally waffling between staying and going.
