Hi Sara, Great job for no SM. I was looking too, it made me a mess and made my head spin. Everyone only posts the best part of their lives on SM, so that was all I was seeing, them having an amazing time, and I was definitely upset by those thoughts. Once I stopped looking, thoughts that things are not 100% great for them crept in, now I'm in a much better place mentally about it all.
I can probably say that we all have had those thoughts. Some realize what they did and return, others don't return. Mine has been living with OW since May. I feel like he won't ever realize what he's done, but I'm now at the place that I'm almost ok with that. Not completely, but almost. But, in the beginning, that's all I could think about. It gets better, promise!
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
I'd continue to eschew social media. Allow yourself time to heal.
You are certainly not crazy for having that feeling. But balance the feelings in your heart with the thoughts in your head. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Am I the only one that feels like I’m being told two different things? I know we are suppose to move on with our lives and concentrate on us, but then I also read that we are fighting for our marriage. I do understand that we can’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want. And in my case the H has moved out and is with the ow not sure if he’s living there or still at his parents. But I think for my ability to move on I need to realize it’s done and over and move on with my life for myself and my children, and not hang on the the thought I’m fighting for my marriage and there’s a chance because in my mind I felt like I was doing everything with the intention of getting my h back. Although I do take comfort in believing the relationship with the ow won’t last until summer. I feel wrong in finding some comfort in it not lasting.
I know we are suppose to move on with our lives and concentrate on us, but then I also read that we are fighting for our marriage.
You should be moving forward working on yourself and being the best mom you can be to your children. Are you exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, reading, learning new things going out with friends, visiting family?
Originally Posted by Sara79
I do understand that we can’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want. And in my case the H has moved out and is with the ow not sure if he’s living there or still at his parents.
For it to work out long-term he has to CHOOSE to want to be with you.
Originally Posted by Sara79
But I think for my ability to move on I need to realize it’s done and over and move on with my life for myself and my children, and not hang on the the thought I’m fighting for my marriage and there’s a chance because in my mind I felt like I was doing everything with the intention of getting my h back.
You were that's why you are here on this forum. As you continue to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually and learn to love yourself you will realize that life is to short to put up with this BS behavior from your husband and will move on.
Originally Posted by Sara79
Although I do take comfort in believing the relationship with the ow won’t last until summer. I feel wrong in finding some comfort in it not lasting.
That is the number one mistake a newbie makes is thinking that the OP is their problem. They are just a symptom of deeper problems in the marriage. If not corrected properly your H may come home but will most likely do the same thing once an OW2 comes around.
I am not saying reconciliation isn't a possibility I am just saying that he has to want to be with you and the best way to achieve that is by becoming a better version of yourself. The more likely scenario is that you become so awesome you say to yourself "I can't believe the BS that smuck put me through and I never want to go through that again."
Am I the only one that feels like I’m being told two different things? I know we are suppose to move on with our lives and concentrate on us, but then I also read that we are fighting for our marriage.
What is "fighting" for your M? I'm sure you're aware of Ghandi fighting for rights through "passive resistance". Fighting by not fighting. One famous marriage counselor equates it to Jujutsu where you take advantage of a stronger opponent by leveraging his power against him. You seemingly go along with his offensive moves while really using them to accomplish your own goals. So if your spouse wants D, you don't fight it. You say "it's not what I want but I know it's what you want so I will not resist." What happens when you take this path? Your spouse no longer feels pressure. "Oh she's not going to block divorce, well I guess there's no hurry then, I can pursue it anytime." And often they will put it on the back burner and leave it there.
If you move on with your life and focus on you, then paradoxically it HELPS your situation and may very well lead to your M being saved. All of the traditional things you think you need to do to save the M (beg, plead, negotiate, show pictures of happier times, enlist others to help) are the very things that only make it worse.
So you see, you ARE fighting for your M. It's just a different way of fighting that you've probably never tried before.
Trying to take care of myself as best I can, exercise daily, eat healthy, definitely need more sleep (but that's because of my daughter waking up at night and super early). I see a counselor often, started attending a new church and weekly bible studies. Started taking my kids to a new play group with church moms. I've lost a lot of baby weight in the 2 months since he left. I went out last night with a friend while H stayed with the kids. I actually had fun and wasn't constantly thinking about everything. It has brought me peace to realize it is over for me and I can get on with my life and work on making myself happy and not depend on anyone else to do that. Not that is still doesn't hurt. And Its going to but I now have a glimpse that I can feel normal again.
Thank you, sad thing is he looks horrible when he comes to visit the kids and falls asleep on the couch. I pray he figures himself out someday so he can be the father he needs to be.
Husband just left, came to visit the kids for 2 1/2 hrs. He agreed to buy our youngest a car seat because she will be outgrowing her carrier soon. So I told him what I was looking at and he said fine use the debit card but let him know first. He also said he would give me some of the tax return, so I asked what was going on with that. He won’t look at me when he speaks to me and says we need to talk without the kids. We have never yelled so not sure what he is planning. Why can’t he look at me? I’ve been nice through this whole this, let him see the kids whenever he wants. I don’t make snotty comments I usually leave when he’s here or go downstairs and exercise. Do I just let it go until he brings it up again (the taxes)?
