Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[roist]

WOW, a 13 year old wrote that!! So mature, caring and understanding. Well done you (and him).

Best wishes

how my H's choice can't change my vision of what M is. i think, well, yes, a terrible thing happened, my H went insane, the life I wanted is not going to be the life I live, and I have a very heavy cross the carry.

There are two points I'd like to make about "choice". Firstly and one that may seem negative, but isn't necessarily. I read somewhere that we are where we are because of the choices we made. Technically it is undeniable. This is not that we are to blame. Although this applies to all aspects of our lives, I will apply it here to our situations with our WAS. We choose them. Then throughout our M, we treated them in a certain way. Unconsciously or consciously we choose actions that weakened our M. They did too, no doubt about that. You also chose to stand.

Whereas at first glance that may appear unhelpful, my second point is that your actual present is a direct result from décisions that you made in the past. Which means that your future is directly related to choices you make NOW. I understand that your situation can be a heavy burden but I also believe that you can change how you see that and in doing so, lessen the load.


He may come back, and I would have to love him again and God will help me do it.

You don't have to do anything. Is that what you want?

Or he may never come back and I will not have that family life I wanted.

The life that you wanted........ Is that what you want now?

I am more aware than ever of how weak I am, of how helpless in the face of the allure of this world. I understand maybe for the first time that I can do nothing via my own will. I just keep asking God to know me as I am and to help me to walk in the path he wants for me, to make it possible when it has become impossible, to forgive me and invite me back when I am not strong enough to stay the course.

You are conflicted. It is understandable. Take some pressure off yourself. Give yourself some time and space to see this and to see your path forward. Maybe the best way to do that is to take the focus away from your situation and put it into filling your life with whatever you CHOOSE.

I repeat this often to many people, including myself! But I believe it to be through. When going through a crisis there are three phases. First you do whatever it takes to just SURVIVE. That in itself can be a huge achievement. Then we need to take steps to LIVE again. Fact is many of us stopped living during our M. And all of us stop living when we enter a M crisis as the LBS. but we can chose how we live through our crisis. Once we really start living the life we love, we can THRIVE. Make the most of what we have and what we can do.

Whenever I feel my situation weighing on me, I remind myself that I CHOSE to stand. If that hasn't changed, then the next step is to decide how to live whilst standing

[Gerda]

Wow, Roist, there is a lot here and I will come back this weekend to answer it! Thank you!

I have a question for Job and anyone else.

I have reconnected with an old friend this past year, and he has been helping me through the legal stuff in the D and in my other court case. I have also been helping him with some writing stuff. It's fun of course, but also just really helpful. It is not a romantic involvement.

He has been trying for six months to get me to let him come over and talk to H about getting out. He has often made the point that H has never had to face another man and admit that he is bullying me and that he is destroying his kids by refusing to leave while forcing us to go through this and not helping me financially or around the house or really in any way whatsoever, and then brutalizing me in court. And I do think that this is true that facing some other men would be a good thing, but I have always resisted this from this particular friend for a variety of reasons.

My H's lawyer is playing hardball and they are so far not accepting any offer to get him to move out before the whole D is finalized. My H wants all his money and refuses to leave until I buy him out of house. I am asking for a year to work on a buy-out, but with some advance on his share during that year.

If they keep resisting, my L will file a motion to get sole use of marital residence ad litem but is trying to negotiate it first.

I was just wondering if my instinct is correct that a visit from this friend would probably do nothing because my H is an MLCer, not a rational being, and thus will not understand or listen or will blame it on me.

Or could it be a good thing for him to see that I have friends who are ready to protect me? Could it help at all to get him to leave?

Or is it bad because this friend is a man, and a very handsome masculine type who would clearly win a physical fight (not that there would be one, but I just mean he has a strong physical presence)?

Or could that be part of what could make my H realize he can't stay here bullying me forever?

I assume you will all say that I am out of my mind if I think this could have any good effect.

Honestly I would be really happy if a contingent of my guy friends from this board showed up at my door and told H to get the heck out before they made him get out! And I am talking about the full size versions, not the little ones I keep on my mantle to keep my head straight.

But I know that this has more to do with what I want than with what would actually work.

[Gerda]

DnJ, Westo, Roist -- thank you for the kind words about my son. He does still have that core of goodness in there I guess!

And thank you for believing in me. You are biased no doubt but I like it! I do not think I do a good job at all, but I am happy that I have kept the lines of trust open. Parenting is one heckuva humbling experience.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

A gang of mantle size DnJ and others telling off H. That brought a smile to my face. Lol.

Unfortunately the actual size version if us would do just about as well as our miniature counterparts. It would probably entrench H really deep, justify his version beyond belief, and cause all manner of problems. You think it is difficult to reason with H now, just push him and give him something to actually rage against. The slim potential of good that might come about is overshadowed by a real probability of worse from H.

That is also the likely conclusion of interference or manipulation from your guy friend. And believe me I would like nothing better than him, me, or someone else to talk some sense into these MLCers. Of course I would like to have started with my XW, and I left that alone, so you know I do believe in this viewpoint.

Gerda, you are not powerless! You are taking your steps, sought legal counsel, changed legal counsel, taking legal action, getting H out of the house, and moving forward. You are detaching, healing, becoming indifferent, helping son and daughter, you are really moving forward.

You are!

I would love to show up at your house. And enjoy a wonderful visit and coffee. You have my complete support with what you are doing (and yeah I’d like to throttle that H of your sometimes...grrrr).

Belief makes reality.

You got this Gerda. Believe it.

And while I’m at it:

And thank you for believing in me. You are biased no doubt but I like it! I do not think I do a good job at all, but I am happy that I have kept the lines of trust open. Parenting is one heckuva humbling experience.

You need to modify this a bit.

And thank you for believing in me. You are biased no doubt but I like it! I do not think I do a good job at all, but and I am happy that I have kept the lines of trust open. Parenting is one heckuva humbling experience.

Really, you got this.

Believe it.

DnJ

[job]

Gerda,

I strongly advise against having your male friend come over and have a discussion w/your h. You do not want to drag another person into your situation and then your h turn around and use it against you, i.e., saying that you are having an affair, etc. Also, a conversation by an outsider will only make things worse for you and your children. He will then be even more determined to stay put and make your life even more bloody h@ll.

My advice, stick to the legal way of doing things and allow the system to do it's work. I know you want him out, but sometimes, we have to sit quietly and be patient because God works on his own time schedule and will do what he needs to do when he thinks it is time to do so.

[sjohns6]

Hi Gerda!
I have to say that you sound so much stronger since coming back to the boards. You may not feel that way (I think you said that somewhere), but you definitely sound that way!

I hope you are able to get your H out of the house soon. Having lived both (in house and out of the house MLC) I can tell you for sure that even though both are hard, having the MLCer out of the house makes your healing so much easier.

I concur that you shouldn't have your guy friend talk to your H. Nothing good can come of that. H would NOT take it the way you want. It is a tempting prospect, but I vote to continue to let the legal system do its thing...even if it is at a snails pace.

I hope you are having a wonderful day today!

[Gordie]

Gerda agree not to get your friend involved as tempting as it is.

[Gerda]

DnJ, SJohn, Gordie, Job, I know you are right. I even showed your messages to my friend to convince him that it was a bad idea. (Though I would love to open my front door and see any of you there.)

I still think that in another time of history, friends and family from the church would be a big part of our lives, and that the MLCer would not be able to do so much damage before getting the boots kicked out of him in an alley, and I think that was probably a good thing. There are no limits on my H's horrible behavior. Even the court limits him hardly at all. I had to go through months of woe getting this custody agreement down and so far I have not seen a penny of child support, a minute of planned childcare nor has he moved off the couch. This weekend my D was at a girl scout trip and I had to go out of town for a night for a work thing and was in terror leaving my son here. I do not speak to H anymore but I e-mailed him that S had plans but would be sleeping at home and knew that H would be there if he needed anything. I left S money for food. When I got back, S told me that he ate out for every meal, by himself, and that H never offered him any food. When I got back, the food I had left S for the first dinner was still out on the stove, mostly eaten, there was food and dirty dishes everywhere, filthy counters, fruit flies, trash overflowing.

I keep seeing people around town who know us -- I live in a huge city but we owned a very popular biz and know a lot of people. They keep asking me if we are divorcing. I am vague about it but mention that he is not in his right mind and that it's time for him to leave the house for a while. I do not want that identity, and all I can think of is that Christ willingly took the worst punishment, created for criminals (and this is also compelling to me now that I work in a prison and consider many "criminals" my friends) for my sake -- and for H's too -- so I can wear this horrible title that I never wanted or thought would be mine, divorced woman, like a crown of thorns, with confidence in Him.

I am stronger now, as you have all noted. As I return to a more confident self, the one I was before marriage, it erodes other aspects of myself and gets jumbled into my lingering feelings of ugliness and then the whole temptation issue I have alluded to, etc., so it's all a bit confusing. But I am definitely stronger and clearer. I am glad you noticed.

Well, today is my 19th wedding anniversary. So I am ready for a series of comforting notes from all of you.

[Gerda]

OMG as I hit "post" on that and started cooking breakfast, H came barreling in and WHILE I WAS WASHING THE PAN TO MAKE S PANCAKES, thrust a pot under the water to fill it. We were literally standing at the sink together with my pan under his while he filled his. Then wouldn't move aside from the stove and started furiously cooking next to me. I said, "Can you just give me 5 minutes to make S's breakfast?" and he said, "No, Gerds, I am late too," like an angry teenager. So I moved out of the kitchen for a minute to type this so I wouldn't say something vicious. I am looking at my mantle while H rushes around banging pots and pans and I am looking that mantle-sized versions of DnJ, Gordie, SJohn, Job. Thank God you are all here. : )

[Grace21]

Gerda -

Surely God is guiding you. You have the patience of a Saint! I think of you often, and prayed specifically for you on my way to work today. Although today is your anniversary, it signifies vows you took with a completely different man. Perhaps he is in there somewhere. Only God knows his course. But, probably a sad day for you in some respects.

(((((Gerda)))))

You are strong, brave, and a rock for your S. I admire your strength and faith.

Grace