Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Humbled. Sure I’ll tell you.

I am very good at my job, highly skilled, have good kids, a good life, reasonable intelligent, a good financial outlook, logical, stable emotions, strong beliefs, and just happy. I’ve been focusing on me, working on my abilities, confidence, healing, etc... I fell into pride a bit.

Of course it is good to have pride in one’s kids, family, etc... and one’s accomplishments. However, my focus was blurring the truth, I started to feel pride for more than my fair share of accomplishments in my life.

I have been very lucky and blessed! This is without doubt. I’ve had an army of people helping me through this mess (especially here), and throughout my life. Yes, I do acknowledge I’ve lived a good life and made many friends, all of whom have stepped up and supported me; perhaps karma does balance out.

At any rate, fate, karma, inspiration, the universe, God - all things overall are very blessed. Truly! Much more than I can take credit for.

It wasn’t so much as it was going to my head, although there was some of that. It was more I wasn’t acknowledging the intercession of the good and powerful external forces that have lead, inspired, and guided me.

I am a pretty stubborn strong willed and faithful guy; it is sometimes hard to realize where I and my influence actually ends. And just how far it sometimes extends.

Do you recall my story of me begging God to forgive W? And of me giving myself and asking Him to transform me to whoever I am supposed to be?

I look where I am. Forgiveness, compassion, happiness - the list is long. Did I do all this? Did my “giving myself” set me up to succeed? Or did He really help me? Or both? Hmmm. Pride.

I worked hard, and I had a huge amount of help. I am going to remain humble as to my involvement - it was, and still is, a joint effort.

DnJ

[DnJ]

Gerda, I am going to say it again. You sound fantastic. Really strong, assured, and grounded.

H on the other hand sounds... well... ludicrous, like H. Man that guy is something else.

I am very proud of you dear girl. “Little” Gerda my butt - you’re a strong gal! You’ve got detachment dialled in, and it even appears that indifference is settling in nicely. You see with accuracy and clarity; and can still maintain your compassion.

How are son and daughter? Behaving ok? What are their feelings and views on things? Are they getting along with Dad?

I understand the unwanted path you are force to travel. In my opinion you are walking it well and in the light. (((Gerda)))

DnJ

[Gerda]

I kept reading over what you said about me seeming stronger and more detached. It's funny how that all works. I must've been a mess before as I don't feel that different. But it might also be that things here at home are so dark, so hellish, so unbearably bad, that there is no way for Gerda to waffle or hope. I still hope that there is an end to MLC -- and that, if there is, God restores my love for my H -- but this alien who lives in my house has got to go, there is no way to escape that truth. I think it's just very clear beyond doubt now that there is nothing I can do and that God will have to do it all, if anything is to be done. And it's very clear that I have to protect myself, because it's not just crazy MLCer at home, this stuff is playing out in the real world in court. So I don't know if I changed or the circumstances were such that I had to take a new kind of action. But I did restore certain things about myself via Lent, I am going straight to God more now. And that includes going to Him as I am, which is not necessarily who I wish I was.

[Gerda]

About this pride thing -- I think I understand. You mean that you were taking all the credit.

It's interesting because your outlook on "moving on" has changed. I think that my outlook on that is part of why I know myself to be powerless without God, since my will is very different from what I want God to make me.

You mentioned also returning to music -- Music has been saving me but is also a bit of a problem for me. It has become such an escape to put on my headphones and block everything out that I find it to be a huge distraction from work and often riles me up so much emotionally that I end up teetering on a new edge.

[DnJ]

Hi Gerda

It's interesting because your outlook on "moving on" has changed.

Yeah. It has changed, I think.

Moving forward vs moving on. Not sure which one it is.

Divorce did have an affect on my perception. An affect that has been in the works for some time. I have let XW go into the pool of possible future people I might date. Strange idea, considering she was, until divorced, the only one I would have dated.

This doesn’t, and hasn’t, lead me to any dating adventures. I am still living my life, just with a little different outlook. I am not looking for, or asking anyone (yet), kind of getting used to this view. However, like I said before, if the universe placed someone in my path, I am going to try to listen. Ha ha. Now that is setting me up to fail isn’t it. Ok! I will listen!

I am happy and comfortable with my choice. If / when I have an actual date, I am pretty sure “moving on” vs “moving forward” will snap into clarity.

I’ve seen something beyond limbo for months now; interesting moving towards it.

DnJ

[Gerda]

I understand. I guess what I mean is that am not even sure I have remained faithful, if it's about thoughts and temptations. I just can't imagine legitimizing that or meeting someone to share a life with. I even sometimes think, well, it would be good for my kids to live with a kind and good man and to see me treated with love and kindness. I've even been encouraged to seek annulment by priests I deeply respect. But then I think of the legalism of it all, of how my H's choice can't change my vision of what M is. i think, well, yes, a terrible thing happened, my H went insane, the life I wanted is not going to be the life I live, and I have a very heavy cross the carry. He may come back, and I would have to love him again and God will help me do it. Or he may never come back and I will not have that family life I wanted. My heart says that God will provide a life for me as my H's wife, even I don't understand what that looks like, even if my H does not come along to share it.

I am more aware than ever of how weak I am, of how helpless in the face of the allure of this world. I understand maybe for the first time that I can do nothing via my own will. I just keep asking God to know me as I am and to help me to walk in the path he wants for me, to make it possible when it has become impossible, to forgive me and invite me back when I am not strong enough to stay the course.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

Those are very good and deeply probing questions of your faith and beliefs. It is perfectly normal to feel uncertain, or unfaithful, or undeserving of a new M (with H or without), and helpless in all this. (((Gerda)))

The tempting allures of the world do seem unmanageably large at times. Indifference, the lessening of feelings, skews perceptions of other feelings, making those seem much larger and more real than they normal would be. It will flit. It will pass.

You are a strong capable woman, with a strong will; I see it, I believe it. You just need to believe it too.

I’ll pester and encourage you another day regarding your will power.

For today is your’s. Hug your kids. See all the love that does surround you.

Gerda, you are a wonderful caring Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Thank you, DnJ, for the kind words and for thinking of me today.

My S13 left me a huge bouquet with chocolates and a card; the cover of the card said, "Happy Mother's Day to the Best Mom Ever!" with a heart ,and he colored every letter a different color. And the heart. This from a super cool urban street kid forever in a hoodie who tries to show how hard he is. And the inside said,

Thank you so much for the being the most sweetest, nicest, greatest, sweetest and understandable person ever. Thank you so much for heering (sic) all my problems and helping me and not giving up on me after what I do sometimes. You are always looking for the best for me and if I don't show you the love you deserve it is because I don't know how. I love you so much and if I can't always show it, I hope you know I love you so much and have no idea what I do without you. If I listed the things I was greatful (sic) for then the list would never end. Even though it's not the best right now it will certainly get better. Just wait because the days will get better and life will be better. Give it all time. I love you and I hope you have the best day. Love, S. P.S. D10 is young and can't show as much of her love to you through gifts. But she will soon. Love you again!

I took the time to type all that out because I thought it might offer some hope to those with kids who are really suffering through the MLC life. Those who followed my story know that my S13 is often acting like an MLCer himself and is the hardest part of my life. So it's great to see once in a while that all that patience is worth it.

[DnJ]

What a lovely card from the tough street kids sporting the hoodie; just a wonderful little boy inside. Rather thoughtful and empathic, quite the little man you have there.

[Westo]

That was a beautiful message for you. You must have been bursting. It just goes to prove what a great job you are doing and how much you are loved.