mlc or was

[torter12]

Thank you. I will do my best. Our lease expires in 3 months and I believe she has plans to find a job across the country with the OM.

[torter12]

Sorry for double post. looking back she's been distancing herself probably for about 2 years just being very reclusive and not really wanting to do anything. Been hiding things and when caught denying. For me I think the most difficult part is how it went from I'm so happy and then overnight change to I'm done see you later. Her reasons have been all over the place but mainly she states that she's experienced real love with OM and felt no anxiety and everything was nice and does not want to go back. "He has always loved me." Which I guess is true considering he's been trying to break us up for the greater part of eight years. I actually found an email that he sent about a year ago asking her to take a chance and run away with him. I guess she took the bait.

[torter12]

OM sent a package yesterday. I took it out of the mailbox and handed it to her smiling. Didn't even flinch. I could tell she was surprised. She then came and sat with me for a few minutes on the couch. Afterwards, she was depressed and moping around. When things like this happen, I should continue to pull back right? Not engage or ask whats wrong

[job]

You did great by not saying anything about the package. Your reaction gave her something to think about. When she's moping around and down in the dumps, I would leave her alone. She needs to do the work and if you are asking her things about what can you do to make it better, etc., she can't focus on herself and her healing.

Continue to be a great roommate and keep the focus on you. She's going to have a number of days of depression and moping around. When she sees that you are happy and upbeat, she'll begin to get curious and ask what's going on.

Again, you have to keep the focus on you. There is nothing you can do for her, but be a good listener if she comes to you and wants to talk.

[torter12]

Slipped up. As expected, went right to her phone to OM. This is tough!

[DnJ]

This is tough. No agruement there.

Keep at it, and stay strong.

DnJ

[torter12]

Have detached. Dont speak unless its roommate like related. She has been having conversations with OM in front of me and I just ignore. The difficulty in this is the OM is actually a family friend and has infiltrated that side already.

[roist]

she is firm on her decision that she is leaving to be with him. This man also is a single father with a child. We live together still in the same house, now in separate rooms. She will not move out because she cant afford to pay for another place.

I will outline my thoughts in a minute below, but needed to reread your original post to become clear on your situation



I told her im not running and im standing many times in the past. Her reply was "you are wasting your time." It's like an alien has taken over her.
You can stand, but I would stop telling her this. It's like saying you can do whatever you want and I'll take you back.

[roist]

Have detached. Dont speak unless its roommate like related. She has been having conversations with OM in front of me and I just ignore. The difficulty in this is the OM is actually a family friend and has infiltrated that side already.

This says a lot to me. Both good and bad!!

although I would prefer to end positively it is better to explain this if I speak about the good side first. This situation is hugely taxing on anybody. The fact that you are able to "ignore" such behaviour shows tremendous strength of character. It is far from easy. Handing over that package smiling, well not many could manage to do that. So congratulations on this strength. To get through this you will need that strength and patience.

Whereas I believe we need to strive to be unaffected by their behaviour, I believe not all behaviour should be accepted. This is my opinion and probably not 100% DB. You need to become clear at where you will draw your lines, beyond which it becomes unacceptable. Each person has different tolerance levels based on many factors. Fair enough. But letting the WAS away with everything and anything is IMO wrong and doesn't do anyone any favours. I accept the argument that it could buy some more time with the WAS still at home and we all know that time is an essential ingredient in resolving a crisis.

But beyond that there are so many reasons to not accept everything. Your sense of self-worth will improve which is hugely important in the long-run. But it also shows strength of character. The WAS may not appreciate it at the time and may react badly, but I believe further down the road it does increase their opinion of the LBS.

What it boils down to is RESPECT. Firstly you need to accept her position as I quoted in my previous post. She has the right to feel that way. Regardless of whether you agree or not it is her reality at the moment. But on the flip side she needs also to treat you with respect. Or moreso you need to ensure you are not disrespected by her. For me receiving parcels at your home and phoning in front of you are two behaviours you need to consider letting her know they are not acceptable going forward. She is free to move out but this is your home and that isn't acceptable.

Sandi speaks often about this so I would advise you to check out her postings in newcomers section.

A word of caution, any time a boundary is stated it needs to be doneso calmly but firmly. Read all you can about boundaries. The downside of boundaries, is that you need to be willing to enforce them, so you need to know the consequences of her not respecting them. Are you willing to ask/tell her to leave? I know that is counter-intuitive as it is the opposite of your ultimate goal, but that does not mean it isn't an option nor in some cases a necessity.

She is in an openly acknowledged affair and intends to move in with him. That you cannot control. But you do have a say in what happens under your roof.

So if you can't control her, what can you control? Well YOU. You need to put all of your focus on yourself. Heinstein once said that if you cannot change a situation you are forced to change yourself. TBH that is also the only way to save your M. You need to change. Not by becoming everything she ever wanted. That won't work. Yes incorporate her criticisms of you where justified but mostly just aim to better yourself in all departments. This isn't easy and takes time, but you have that time and you have demonstrated that you have strength.

The hardest thing to achieve yet I believe an important key is to be HAPPY. Being unhappy (although fully understandable) is unattractive. If you can be happy in your situation, it will not only make you more attractive but she will wonder why. That curiosity is good. You need to fuel it. So how does one become happy in the midst of a M crisis. Honestly not easily. But you need to make a list of stuff that you enjoy and start doing them. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. You may also have heard the saying: "fake it until you make it". Adopt it.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Torter

I second everything Roist said

He was one of my guides along this dark path

When I heard that type of advice three years ago

I wasn’t ready to hear it

I was too busy being depressed and angry

And as Roist said trying to fix every complaint she threw at me

I am a slow learner

I spent 3, 6, 12 months doing everything wrong

In hindsight I accepted all sorts of disrespect

I just would not let go of her

But the more I pursued

The more she pushed me away

That is the counterintuitive part

It is only when I let go

Let go of her

Let go of fear

That I started to heal

To GAL

To be my own man

Independent of her

To walk away

That is when she started being afraid of losing me

Things happened very slowly

Painfully slowly

But when I felt like giving up

The people here were my cheerleaders

With understanding ears

And words of encouragement

So let me say

You will get through this

One day at a time

You are stronger than you think

P.S. At first, I spoke to W about OM

But over months it was soul crushing

I told her I could not do that anymore

I said that not to save my marriage

I said that to save myself

Only you know if you can do that

And what it does to you

Some can and some cannot

Most of these answers are within you