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#2839901 03/02/19 06:22 PM
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hello, been browsing a lot... time to post

My story: Fiancee and I (engaged 2 yrs ago) have been together for 11 years. Over the past 1-1.5 years or so she has become so angry towards me and holding grudges about anything and everything. We argued a lot. Nothing was ever settled because she avoids conflict. She has been severely depressed on and off her entire life and nothing can shake her out of it. If questioned she said "i cant explain it." She started to use alcohol quite a bit and anytime I mentioned it she would get angry stating "you cant control me." In October she became pregnant, and because of the drinking we did not proceed with the child. Since then she has been questioning everything and anything in regards to us and our relationship. I started a new job and I haven't been the best other half as i'm working quite a bit. Over the course (since October) she had rekindled her connection with an ex boyfriend who has been trying to break us up for as long as I can remember. Our arguing and fighting continued over little things over the next 2 months in which we both agreed to start counseling. She had planned to go home for xmas and I took the day off prior to and we spent it together and had a great time. The next morning she kissed me and said I love you and off she went to see her parents (so i thought). During this time when she flew back home to see her parents she also went to see the other man that has been a vulture to us for years. Upon return, she stated that she's never been as happy as she is with him and has finally found what love is. She is leaving and nothing I can do or say will change her mind. She stated that she "has wasted the last 11 years of her life and doesn't want to waste another 30." She also blamed me and the environment at home I created for causing her to drink because I make her anxious. I will admit I have a part to this, because when she got really bad with addiction I had to involve her family because I was trying to save her career, and during that time I would be monitoring and questioning. She would lie and say she did nothing.

I did everything wrong after; I tried to beg, plead, try to get her to MC again. I know in some cases this may be a blessing in disguise but I wanted it to work. Nothing worked. The other man has been love bomb texting and calling her ever since January and she is firm on her decision that she is leaving to be with him. This man also is a single father with a child. We live together still in the same house, now in separate rooms. She will not move out because she cant afford to pay for another place. Yet, she has been spending money on new clothes, makeup, flights, etc and maxing out her credit cards. She's a home body and has been going out on weeknights.

Early on she did not talk to me at all and anytime i brought it up she would send me angry texts about how I've wasted her time. Fast forward to 2 months later, she has at times started to talk to me but remains firm on her decision. Her ring is off. There are times where she comes home and looks at me and other times where she just goes to her room and closes the door. I know I need to detach, but it's hard when we live in the same house. I've been going out and GAL as much as I can. We have been through a lot together and I hate to see it go. Everyone including her family was shocked when this occurred (she did not even tell them until 1 month in). I'm not sure if this is a MLC or WAS. Either way, I want her to see what she is giving up and that the grass is greenest where you water it. I told her im not running and im standing many times in the past. Her reply was "you are wasting your time." It's like an alien has taken over her.

Any advice, much appreciated.

torter12 #2839907 03/02/19 07:31 PM
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
torter12 #2839934 03/02/19 09:22 PM
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Hello Torter12

Welcome to the board. I am glad you’ve decide to share your story. You can share as much or as little as you choose. From your browsing I see you have realized the futility of begging and pleading. As well I am sure you’ve run across the advice of focus on you and work on detachment.

I have a few questions about your situation. I see you have been in relationship with fiancée for 11 years and engaged for two. Did the two of you ever set a date for wedding? What are your ages?

The OM, he is the vulture, the exBF? I gather she has been seeing him since Christmas. I understand she stays in a separate room in the house. Do you rent or own? And is ownership or lease in both names? You mentioned she is maxing out her credit cards, do you have any joint cards or other joint loans? How about accounts or other joint assets?

Finding detachment is a process and part of that is seeing your situation for what it is. It will take time and is more difficult when living with the person. What GAL activities are you doing?

I understand your feelings, the two of you have been through a lot, and of course you would hate to see it go. Perfectly normal feelings.

Torter, keep the focus on you and let time do its work.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2839949 03/02/19 10:56 PM
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We did not set a date yet as she is finishing school and were waiting for that. the OM is the exbf/vulture. We don't have anything joint. We are leasing the property together. im 35 shes 34.

torter12 #2839954 03/03/19 12:29 AM
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i've read mixed things about moving out vs staying ... thus i have not moved. I could easily move out and pay my end of the lease, but from what ive read its best to not do that?

torter12 #2839979 03/03/19 01:10 PM
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If she is the one that is not happy, then she should be the one to move. If you can find the patience and are able to detach from her behavior, then stay right where you are. In fact, stay in the master bedroom and she can move to another bedroom. For now, treat her as a roommate and go on about your business.

I know it's difficult dealing w/a MLCer or WAS, but you have to let her go in mind, body and spirit. If she truly was unhappy and feels that she wasted her life w/you, she would have recognized this many, many years ago and would have moved on. MLC's main ingredient is depression and she is looking at the world through rose colored glasses right now. She thinks it's greener on the other side of the property line, but it's not always true. She needs to grow up and the only way to do that is to allow her to make her mistakes and, hopefully, learn from them.

For now, continue to keep the focus on you and your financial responsibilities. You can be nice, but don't ask a lot of questions. Observe from afar and do not offer up info about what you are doing. If she asks a question, you can answer it.

Hang in there! Dig deeper for patience and detachment. MLC is not a sprint, but a marathon and it takes a lot of time for them to work through it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
torter12 #2839986 03/03/19 03:39 PM
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Ok. Will do. It's been 2 months now. I overheard her come home lastnight around 10pm and she stopped near our photos and immediately started to sob and ran to the bathroom. Then came out on the phone with the OM (for 2hours!). It's very confusing behavior, as she will often still wear certain things I had bought to make her happy, and usually when I go distant from her, as she was doing this morning. Another confusing aspect is she is now doing everything we used to argue about at home because she has all this free time. Trying to detach and focus on myself.

torter12 #2839990 03/03/19 04:18 PM
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Good Morning Torter

I agree with job. You should stay put; she is unhappy then let her leave. Let her do the heavy lifting of figuring out how to get this new life she wants. Are you in the master bedroom? Or is she?

Her sobbing and running to the bathroom. People in crisis exhibit a lot of confusion, because they are. They are running from something deep within their past; something a lot of times they are not even aware of. They will become the opposite of who you once knew, who they once were. As they struggle to hang on to the present reality and run to their fantasy, their carefully constructed world start collapsing and the confusion outwardly shows. My W thought she was going insane during the months before BD.

There is nothing you can do for her to speed up her process. However, you can prolong it. Time and space is what she needs now. Work on detaching and letting her go. That doesn’t mean pack her bags. It is you emotionally letting her do what she has to do.

Be kind, cordial, even business like at times, and turn your focus away from her. This is a long journey for her, and you.

Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
torter12 #2840005 03/03/19 05:58 PM
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Ok thanks for the advice. She is in the guest room and I have the master. She will still do things that are unlike her if we are separated; ie: fold my clothes and put them away. Today she is super distant, not speaking or saying hello if I in a business/roommate like way communicate. It makes for a very, very awkward environment!

torter12 #2840094 03/04/19 10:16 AM
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Hello and welcome to the forum.

It is tough to be in your situation and unfortunately I imagine that your journey is only beginning. I don't say that to frighten you but to give you a certain perspective that only comes with time. Most of the turn-arounds here occur after years rather than months. If you have been browsing and reading, you will be familiar with some of the advice given here. One of the first learnings needs to be that there is no magic solution that instantly works making everything good AGAIN. Most newcomers search desperately to find THE ONE THING they need to do NOW to save their relationship. IMO there isn't ONE single thing that can turn around your situation and very little probability that it will occur quickly.

What I have just said could come as a blow and may seem demotivating but there is another way to look at it. Firstly if you believe what I have said, then you can stop searching desperately for that magic solution that doesn't exist. I remember myself being wholey devoted to finding out what I NEEDED to do immediately to save my M. Then once I did that thing I would obsess at finding a new better solution. We as LBS go into panic mode and are desperate. IMO there is no ONE thing that needs to be done, but there are a multitude of steps that once collectively integrated into your life, will give you the best chance of saving your R.

Another aspect of what I have touched upon is that this will take time. That again may sound depressing, but there are two important positives about that:

1. Firstly, when you can accept that, it will alleviate pressure from you. If there is nothing you can do to turn this around immediately, give yourself the time to find the right path for you. Keep reading here and any other source you find helpful and some advice will resonate with you. Just be careful to take the time to distinguish between what you feel you should be doing and what is more likely to work. Once the pressure is off you, she too will feel less pressure from you, which is a key concept. The more she feel pressured the more she will run from you.

2. Secondly if you know you cannot turn this around immediately, you will realise that you have the time to do other things other than try to save your R. If you knew that in six months time or twelve that your fiancée would not be reconnected with you, would you use your time otherwise. I hope so. Use this time to work on yourself, figure out how to be the best, happiest you possible. That may seem like a daunting task given how you feel now and what you are facing, but you being happy will have multiple benefits, including you being more attractive.

Read all the threads linked in Cadets welcome note. Several times even. Then read other peoples threads to find similar to yours and to see the timelines as their stories unfolded.

I could outline my thoughts on an ideal way to proceed but I think it is best for each person to figure out their own path. But I will give you a brief overview of what I see as probably the best place to start. You find yourself in a strange situation and are having a hard time understanding and coping with it. Understandable. My advice to you is to concentrate NOW on doing whatever you can to help you cope with that. It is a confusing and awkward environment. Each LBS will react similarly and differently to what is going on. It is those reactions that you need to focus on. Being depressed, sad, angry, confused, lost, desperate, eager, committed etc are all natural and understandable reactions. But none of them will help improve things with your fiancée. Whereas it is normal to experience these, you should find a way to put on a mask when around her so she does not see them. Easier said than done, I know.

The concept of GAL is mentioned over and over on this site. There is good reason for that. As you are surely still focused on her, I will just mention why GAL is important in relation to her. You going out and doing stuff, shows her you are getting on with your life. That alone is food for thought. It also gives her space, which along with time are your two best allies at the moment.

Best wishes and keep posting. Finding this site and posting are good points that are positive in your battle to save your R.

Last edited by job; 03/04/19 06:04 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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