Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Grace21]

This is heartwarming and beautiful. Thanks for sharing it with us.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

A quick hello and note. Sorry, not very considerate of me with your weaning of the board.

And I said, Yes, no one can force you to see him. But I want to encourage you to see him, to know him as much as you can. It will be good for you to always know your dad, and it will not be good for you to cut him off.

That is excellent advice and an excellent path.

And then he asked me what I would do if H came back, if we divorced, would H be allowed back, etc. And I said, yes, and showed him I still was wearing my ring. He said, "Are you going to take it off when the divorce goes through?" And I said, No, I am married by God, not the city. I will still be married by God no matter what the city says. And his whole countenance of tough teen shifted. His whole face started beaming, and he actually lifted his hand for a high five. I slapped him five and he just looked so COMFORTABLE suddenly. It was so incredible, like I could see what my standing in faith meant for my son, far beyond anything that might happen with H. I saw that i was teaching my son what faith looks like, and that it brought him peace outside our difficult circumstances.

That is wonderful!

With or without the ring our children see
Our inner selves we truly be.

To show compassion and forgiveness during the rift
Between you and H will cause such a shift

In your children’s hearts, in that precious place
Your son saw your light, from the look upon his face.

In an instant, for moment, his problems cease
Such comfort coming from a feeling of peace.

Stand strong in faith, a role model for them to see
Your inner self you truly be.

DnJ

[Gordie]

DNJ is quite the lyricist
His rhymes speak truth with utter fearlessness

Gerda is taking time out for Lent
And praying that peace may be heaven sent

[Gerda]

DNJ is quite the lyricist
His rhymes speak truth with utter fearlessness

Gerda is taking time out for Lent
And praying that peace may be heaven sent

Wait, did Eminem stop into my thread?

[Gerda]

Thanks, DnJ and Gordie, for the verses -- from deep to lovely to funny back to deep. Enjoyed those a lot.

Have had a crazy few days and I need a dose of Job tonight.

My H had this big meeting with an academic he has worshipped since his college days when we were first dating. It was a big deal meeting and it ended up having some big implications for him (I mean, it would if he came out of the MLC fog enough to actually finish writing anything at all), and I had been able to be kind of kind/normal around him lately so I actually texted him to ask how the meeting went and he wrote back something surprising so I called him, which I never ever do. We ended up talking for 45 minutes and then more when he came home, all about that, and some more the next day. It's not like I thought he was going to call off the D, but it was so nice and he seemed to want to talk to me so much that I thought at least... well, some form of expectation anyway.

Then this morning my L finally gets his response back to the custody proposal and in it his L again asserts his demand that I not be allowed to "call and interfere" when he is with the children because of my "abuse" of this privilege. And a bunch of other stuff that was to be expected but that really stung.

Keep in mind that my H is NEVER with the children -- even this morning my D asked him to pick her up from school today, and Fridays were the day he asked for, and he still said no. So I couldn't call him when he is with them because he never is! But even if he were ever with them, I NEVER call him! The call described above was the first one in ages other than once in a while some emergency with the car or something. I don't even call him with emergencies with the kids.

So that response after the two days of really nice talking and me showing so much interest in his work/life, which he accepted and then some -- and most especially what he allows his L to say to me in such a nasty way, it just really piqued some grief and rage in me. He appears to have left town again but I don't know if he will come back and have been binge watching Shtisel so I am pretty out of it but I was so on edge that tonight when my daughter whacked me in the nose by mistake when she was pretending to be asleep and I kissed her, I started hysterically crying in front of my kids, another thing I never do. (I just run to church or my room if I have to cry so they don't know.)

It is very hard to go dark/grey when you live with the person divorcing you and there is no sign that he will leave anytime soon. I find that it's upsetting for my kids and that it's better for them if I don't ignore my H in front of them. Not that I seek him out, but I try to act normal.

But I really need to take some dark time for my sanity.

So I was thinking about leaving him a note of just a line or two trying to lay out a boundary that would allow me to go more grey.

But everything I started writing seemed ridiculous.

So I started thinking about what Job might say to me at this juncture and I had a couple of ideas of what that would be but i thinkI would rather go straight to the moderator's mouth and ask you, Job, what you think!

[Yail]

Gerda,

I will respectfully defer to Job's response, but had a question.

Why are you thinking of leaving a note? Is this so that he will parent the kids while you have a chance to go darker? Is there a reason you can't just go dark without the note?

I was curious to your thoughts and reasons.

[Gerda]

Hi, Yail -- I don't know if you have followed my sitch but i am in year 6 of my stand and my H has never left the house. My H lives with us and sleeps on the couch in our apartment, so when he is home there is no way to not see him except hiding in my room. I have tried many times to go dark and it looks like I am being sullen when I do that in this environment. I am completely dark as far as phone and texts except for emergencies and this recent blip. And I lead my own life without telling him really anything about me and the kids. But in the house there is interaction. The kids are much happier if I am friendly and chat with him. And I just thought I would like to tell him I need space because he really won't give me any. I thought it might make it clearer or he might respect the boundary more.

[job]

Gerda,

I am no expert on this forum, but from where I am sitting I see two situations going on in your home. When focusing on your situation, you need to separate your h and the children from each other. Try not to lump them together. You have two issues brewing.

Let me try to explain what I mean. Your h's meeting was a huge deal to him and you showed interest in him as a person and what may transpire in the way of work. That is a huge deal to him. He felt like you actually cared about him and treated him like a friend and most likely stroked his ego. Your conversation w/him was actually a normal one w/o pointing fingers, resentment growing, etc. There was no evidence of you trying to control him or the conversation, i.e., you treated him like an equal.

Now, the letter from the lawyer, that may have been prepared a week or so ago. Lawyers don't usually drop what they are doing and shoot out a letter on a dime. It takes a while sometimes to prepare letters and get them out to other lawyers. Yes, what the lawyer stated about your calling and interfering stung, but you need to take what was stated w/a grain of salt. The letter states your calling the children, but was there anything in that letter stating that the children couldn't call you? I would suggest that you ask for one call per day, specifically to say good night and that the children be allowed to have their own cells phones and if they need to call you, they can.

I think that what your h wants is for you to stop trying to control everything in the home, w/him and the children. He sees you are a controller and MLCers do not like that. In fact, it makes them even more resentful and angry w/the spouse that appears to be trying to control everything. If he sees that you are willing to work w/him on the calls, etc., he just might turn a corner and eventually allow your calls to the children. But that would happen in time.

Gerda, the MLCer is like a child in the sandbox. The child sees another child w/a toy and regardless of whether he wants to play w/that toy, he's going to take it from the other child no matter what...and guess what....he most likely will play w/the toy for a couple of minutes and then put it down. Gerda, when the MLC sees that you are dropping the rope and giving them what they want, they tend to let go of what they are trying to get control of, i.e., just like the child that snatched the toy from another child. You both are fighting for control and no one wins in a situation like that, i.e., someone has to give an inch in order for things to change.

I also wouldn't leave him a note. Just take the time and space you need. Remember...actions speak louder than words. Even if you are acting normal around the children, they still sense the tension and stress. They see it in your posture and in your face. You have to find a way to take some wind out of his sails before it gets any worse in your home. If it means letting go of some of the responsibilities and seeking help from him, (even though you don't think he can do them), then try it. When something isn't working, try something else.

I know you will not be happy w/my advice, but you have to be the bigger and better person here and have faith that if you drop the control rope a bit, things just might get a bit better in your home situation. You have to choose your battles in order to win the war.

[Gerda]

Job, I will write more later. I like your advice very much and it is very helpful. I think you are right about the two separate issues and in fact I would love it if you have time to explain that a little more.

I need to look for more ways to look like I am accepting what he wants with custody; I am just scared because the kids are so miserable with him. What you say about the sandbox makes sense, I am just scared that he will follow through.

But the one thing I don't understand is if you think i am actually controlling or just that he perceives it that way and I have to try to show that I hear him in some way. But to actually do what he asks would lead to the whole household crumbling. He won't even get the kids to bed in the evenings, but I often let my D go to bed late because he insists on hanging out with her sometimes late and if I say it's bedtime, he says her father is more important than school. I literally have not asked him for almost anything in five years. I have accepted everything he does without commenting on it except once in a while when I break like a reed. If he offers anything or hangs out with the kids, I not only accept but I get way out of his way. When I am not trying to be grey/dark, I always inquire about his work and listen; I tell him very little about myself because he is not interested but sometimes I chat about that too. The control he is perceiving is mostly that as he spiraled and was spending wildly, I started to take back joint credit cards and to just deal with things without telling him about it because if I said we were short on the mortgage, he would fly into a rage about selling the house. But the truth is, he could easily access any accounts and cards and run wild. He just stopped doing it and I think he is perceiving me as his mom as a result, like he is scared to steal from her wallet even though officially it's still our wallet. Or with the kids, he is so completely and totally absent, that I do whatever I need to do with them -- and he is opposed to doctor visits, therapy, my church community, girl scouts, etc!

In other words, I feel that what he is calling control is just me keeping the kids fed and the mortgage paid. I couldn't surrender any of that. But I could look for ways to look like I am? I don't even know how! I feel like I will tie myself in knots trying to do that when I am already drowning in just dealing with things as they are.

[job]

Gerda,

I want you to sit quietly and think about what I have written. You may even have to pray a bit, but you both appear to be very stubborn and nothing is getting done when both of you are standing your ground. Someone has to give an inch to start the process of healing and getting something done w/respect to the marriage and the children.

If your h follows through on his proposed course of action and the court approves it, the only thing you can do at that time is adhere to what they state. However, you can go back in and request another hearing at a later date. That will give you ample time to provide proof that he is an "unfit" father who cannot handle the responsibility of taking care of children 24/7 on his days to have the children. I realize your children may be miserable w/him, but he is their father and in many states, they do not care unless there is proof of abuse, he's a danger to himself and others or he is an addict, or is incapable of taking care of them. Your children are old enough to speak up if the court will allow them to state what they want. Have you asked about this?

Yes, you are coming across as his mother, i.e., authority figure. He sees you as a controller who is keeping him in line and isn't listening to him or allowing him to be a father to his children. Maybe it's time you step back just a bit and change up the way that you address issues w/him. Instead of telling him, put the ball in his court with questions that can have at least two different answers.

Gerda, you need to take a good, long look at how you two are interacting w/one another. Both of you are playing tug of war and no one is winning. Someone has to give that inch in order to move forward one way or the other. Your interactions are toxic not only for the both of you, but your children as well. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.