Just saw this quote somewhere and feel like it reflects my post-divorce dating (compared to my marriage): "Don't stay where you're tolerated, go where you're celebrated"
Despite my spotty dating history, I DEFINITELY have felt more celebrated by my post-divorce dates than I ever was by my exH.
So even though my current gym membership is paid up for another year, I find I haven't been going at all in the last 9 months because it is not convenient enough with my work schedule and CMM time. (It's a good 15-20 minutes from my house). So when a new gym opened up 5 minutes from my house I signed up - and waited and waited while they missed their opening deadlines. It finally opened up last week so I went a couple of times this weekend to check out all the equipment.I've never been a morning exerciser but this morning I tried it out - woke up at 6:00 (only about half an hour before my normal waking ) and threw on my exercise clothes, put in my contacts, was able to leave the house by 6:20 and stash my belongings, go to the bathroom and be on the gym floor by 6:30. 20 minute workout and back home by 7:00 (which is when I would normally get out of bed after spending half an hour reading the news.) So this left me my normal amount of time to shower, dress and eat breakfast before leaving for work. In fact, I could easily have added 10 minutes to that workout and still been on time.
The only drawback of this gym is the pool won't be completed until July and it's small. I may end up keeping my other membership too just to be able to use their pool for exercise in the summer. My membership at the new gym gives me the ability to bring a friend free every time I go, so it's nice to be able to bring CMM or one of my sons. And they have a "theater" which is a darkened room with rows of bikes, treadmills and ellipticals where a movie is always playing - Saturday May 4th they were playing the Star Wars movies
Last edited by job; 05/06/1907:06 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
Good on you kml! Kudos for being able to easily squeeze in some daily exercise. I find a zillion reasons for why I "can't".
I have to admit I'm a bit envious - I want a gym like yours! Sounds like a great marketing opportunity for gyms in my home town - I would definitely join one with a 'theatre'. It would be the same, I suppose, as having a treadmill or bike in front of the TV, but a lot neater.
No good deed goes unpunished. That's what my ex used to say. And that's what I'm beginning to think about this relationship with CMM.
Quick synopsis for those who haven't been following along: Met online, started dating a year ago, 3 months in he loses his job (tariffs affect the company he's working for) and three weeks later he's diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer.
I step up to the plate, going with him to all his chemo, bringing all my medical knowledge to bear on adjunctive treatment, buying him supplements, etc etc.
Late fall, I use his laptop to access my email, I think I've closed it but apparently I didn't sign out, he goes crazy going through all my emails and is furious that I haven't been 100% honest about communication with my crazy exBF. It's true - he was so irrationally jealous that I hid some things from him - I didn't think his jealousy was reason enough to completely cut off crazy exBF from simple help like refilling a prescription or giving him a few more months to figure out a storage solution for the stuff he still had stored in my garage. It's not in me to be mean, and I'd rather crazy exBF, who suffers from bipolar, be stable enough not to land on my doorstep, and feel these few things help keep him steadier.
Anyway, we get through that. Occasionally CMM wants to check my text messages or such. Tonight I'm home sick with bronchitis and he insists on looking at my phone. He starts digging through my photos. Once he gets to last summer I make him stop. I know he's eventually going to get to old pictures that include crazy exBF and I'm sick and don't feel like dealing with his jealousy. Plus it just feels like a super creepy invasion of my privacy. Now he's giving me the silent treatment (really? At this age?????)
I've NEVER dealt with a jealous lover, I've NEVER cheated on a lover, and I've bent over backwards to care for CMM despite him driving my family members crazy with his insane OCD. I have NO interest in getting back together with crazy exBF, I just don't want to see him dead or living on the street, and if I can prevent that by a couple simple acts of kindness I will.
I don't think great sex and good cooking is enough to make me want to stay in this relationship. I don't want to abandon this guy while he's in the middle of treatment, estranged from his daughters, and with no real social supports. But really, if it hadn't been for his cancer, I think I would have broken this off a while ago. It's not working for me. If he can't appreciate all the effing effort I've put in to helping him and taking care of him and wants to focus on obsessing about an exBF from two years ago that I'm NOT ever going back to, I don't think he's redeemable. He's got some kind of personality disorder or maybe it's just his bad OCD but he's got no insight.
I've been wondering for a while how long you'd stay happy with this guy. Your decency and innate humanity has made you feel obliged to keep this guy going, and whilst I can see why, I can also see it's going to exact a high toll.
If you didn't think CMM was redeemable, I'd have asked if letting him know what his options are should he continue his irrational behaviour might work. You're a smart woman - so I think if you think it's never going to work for you both this isn't really going to be a plan.
Would it be possible to break off your romantic relationship whilst maintaining a caring one re his treatment etc? A bit like you do for crazy XBF?
kml - Sorry to hear that you are reaching the end of your patience.
I think it's been discussed here and there in recent months but yeah - jealousy is very much a thing. I know that with B and I that she seems to have a fascinated interest in all my past history and I just feel rather uncomfortable with her own disclosures. She is also on good terms with pretty much all her former partners other than her first ex from more than 20 years ago. I find that that "green eyed monster" does lurk within me and need to swat him down reminding myself that that was the past and this is the now.
I'm not surprised at CMM's jealousy or paranoia. I expect that it is perfectly common albeit unreasonable. After all - he could hardly be expecting you to be virginal and waiting for only him. And as you said yourself and it had quite the impact on me, wouldn't I prefer someone who was caring vs someone who would just cast others aside.
Proof of fidelity is probably even harder than proof of infidelity. It comes down to trust and despite any amount of verification we all here know that it is possible to hide an indiscretion.
I know that you've examined your own situation and your own reasons for it continuing and you even posted a joking reference to being there because you can help him.
I know that any choice you make will be tough but I do hope you do it with your own best interests in mind.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm not surprised at CMM's jealousy or paranoia. I expect that it is perfectly common albeit unreasonable
It really has NOT been common in my life. I've had plenty of boyfriends both before and after my marriage and never actually encountered this once; likely because I've never ever been a cheater or a flirt. I'm afraid this has more to do with his controlling nature than with anything about me. And that simply doesn't fly with me.
And for cripes sake - do NOT pick the night I am home sick, feeling crummy, to indulge your paranoia, okay?
Honestly, if I thought he was amenable to talking it out I'd try going there again - but one thing I've learned about him is he has this strange rigidity of thought - whether it's the OCD or maybe he's on the autism spectrum - but there's no getting him to see another person's point of view.
Last edited by job; 05/09/1907:38 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
