Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Bo, this stuff is certainly not easy! I think you handled that convo quite well though. I agree with you that this is not the time to share feelings with her. She's more likely to use it against you then she is to applaud you for it.

IHS's are just so difficult because you're sort of not together but you ARE still together too. Very hard to give a WAS time and space when they are right there in your face all the time. Just keep up your validation and try not to let it affect your PMA.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Bo, this stuff is certainly not easy! I think you handled that convo quite well though. I agree with you that this is not the time to share feelings with her. She's more likely to use it against you then she is to applaud you for it.


Thanks. Didn’t feel like it at the time, though. Could I have done some things better? Yes, but I’m glad I at least kept some semblance of my wits about me.

But yeah—what incentive do I have to share feelings with her? I’m treating feelings as something like ‘spousal privilege’ (I know it’s a legal concept, but still)—she wants to be my spouse or ‘partner,’ then she gets insight into my mental makeup.

You’re exactly right. She is more likely to use it against me—so why offer it up to her?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Just keep up your validation and try not to let it affect your PMA.


Thanks—trying, and the validation is a work in progress.

PMA’s been okay, all things considered. Exercise helps—went for a 25-minute run yesterday, and I felt great. Will try to work in a swim today.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
B,

You did a good job of sticking up for yourself. She doesn’t deserve the right to know your feelings right now. She’s not feeling the loss right now. That is still many months away.

I know you were begging for one but no 2x4s here.

Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by LH19
B,

You did a good job of sticking up for yourself. She doesn’t deserve the right to know your feelings right now.


Thanks, LH.

Originally Posted by LH19
She’s not feeling the loss right now. That is still many months away.


Interesting. Not that anyone can predict, but I really wonder what that ‘loss’ will be. Time will tell.

I definitely know that any IHS will end by September, one way or the other—either D goes final and / or she goes away for her work training and is gone for 3 months.

Originally Posted by LH19
I know you were begging for one but no 2x4s here.


Thanks. I was fully expecting one. It’s weird—sometimes I think I handle things flawlessly, and I relay them here and then I get taken to task (later, understandably / justifiably so), and then I report on something here and I’m all ‘okay folks, wail away with the lumber’ and [/crickets].


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
Bo,

Did you tell your FF about the sitch?
Just a question, is she just a platonic friend? Someone you see as a sister or a potential R if your MR ends?


If things go to D those 3 months without W may be stressful for you. However, it's going to be an awesome time for bonding with you and the boys.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Bo,

Did you tell your FF about the sitch?


Nope. Not yet. But I get the feeling in the next couple of months I’ll be sending her a text to the effect of “Hey, I need to talk with you about something...” I do feel ashamed / embarrassed about this—probably a NGS trait that hasn’t totally died within me, but it still hurts and I’d hate to tell her about this.

Originally Posted by Twofeet
Just a question, is she just a platonic friend? Someone you see as a sister or a potential R if your MR ends?


My take on her is that is FF and I met at different times in our lives, we very well could have been an item. I originally met her my 1st year of grad school, and I was already dating someone. I kept boundaries with her, out of respect for then-GF. FF’s apt. was broken into my second year of grad school, and I saw her Facebook post about needing help, so we messaged, and I spent time with her, and that’s how things started. I did that with no expectation—just trying to do the right thing and be a decent person. We’ve been friends since. We’ve both helped each other move, and I found my first post-grad school job before she did.

We click very well, and she’s probably as much (if not even more so) of a traditional Catholic than I am, if that’s any indication. She took (and sent to me) pics of the 2 of us with cardboard cuts out of the last 3 popes (current Pope included). She lives in Chicago, and I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that she is trained to do annulments. Wait until she gets a load of this, oh man.......

We click well emotionally, she’s very similar (if not more so) to me spiritually, but the issue is physical attractiveness towards her. Just not totally there for me. Honestly, if I was really physically attracted to her, I probably would have pursued her long ago, and W may not have made it into the picture. FF did help at our wedding, and was the baptismal sponsor / godmother of YS, and was the stand-in / proxy godmother for OS.

Long answer short: More of a platonic friend / sister type, but I’ll be honest, the question has crossed my mind more than a bit.

Regardless of how all this shakes out, I don’t want to be fooled again by a woman (someone else, or even if W wants back in the pic down the road). Right now, I’m a bit leery of pursuing a more devout / faithful Catholic woman because I wouldn’t want her to do the almost-180 that W has done on really, well, everything—personality, faith, wedding vows, what have you. (I know the traits don’t correlate, but it’s me speaking more from hurt, as Sandi acknowledged on an earlier post.)

If this goes through, hopefully I have in my favor the fact that I live in a metro area of 13 million-plus people, with scores of beautiful women around.

Originally Posted by Twofeet
If things go to D those 3 months without W may be stressful for you. However, it's going to be an awesome time for bonding with you and the boys.


I’m trying to keep some perspective about this fall; hence why I’m treating the coming days where W works late / goes out / whatever as a ‘dry run’ for single Daddyhood, as well as what to expect when she goes away this fall.

Will it be stressful? Yes, but for me I’m learning to cope and build my strength so it won’t be as big of a deal, if that makes sense. I believe I mentioned this before, but whenever W has to work late / go out / travel, or even comes home late, OS gets all melancholy and asks “Where’s Mommy?,” and I have to reassure him that yes, she will be home / back eventually. A D is not going to help this, and I’m sure this will be even more fun (narrator: not fun) in the event of a D—but hey, that part is not totally my choice.

But I’ve already had *some* experience with this: Fall 2015, W went to DC / NoVA on a temporary assignment of 90 days, so I was taking care of OS (then-only son), and I was a 2nd year teacher. Man was that rough—re-working my classes, and caring for a soon-to-be 3-year-old. I also mixed in a bout of bronchitis towards the end of that for good measure. But we survived, and I did it.

Luckily, this coming year will be my 6th year teaching (overall, and at my current position), so it will be easier. YS will make it a bit of a challenge, but it will be nice to have them around, yes. Plenty of bonding time. Plus watching college football / NFL / postseason baseball with them will be nice. Maybe the sporting gods will smile on me and have the Browns make the playoffs, Indians win the WS, and Ohio State win the college football title. That would be cool.

Last edited by Bo562; 03/26/19 09:46 PM.

M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Bo562
Regardless of how all this shakes out, I don’t want to be fooled again by a woman (someone else, or even if W wants back in the pic down the road).


Well my friend, they don't exactly wear warning signs around their necks that say "warning, WAW in training". You didn't fall in love with a WAS, none of us did. We weren't "fooled". We fell in love with rational, caring, loving women who thought the world of us and would do anything, probably even lay down their own life for ours. How they transform from that into hating us could be the subject of a master thesis I think. So the way I see it, your choice is to roll the dice again, or choose not to get that serious with anyone ever again.

Quote
Right now, I’m a bit leery of pursuing a more devout / faithful Catholic woman because I wouldn’t want her to do the almost-180 that W has done on really, well, everything—personality, faith, wedding vows, what have you.


It's not because she's Catholic. There have been LBS's here with WAS's from every race, creed, nationality, religion and non-religion. Walkaways are universal! Personally I do tend to think that extremely religious people tend to hide their true feelings and intentions behind a pious facade so that could be a contributing factor I will admit.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Spring Break has been very, very good to me—I’ll provide a more thorough update later on (lots of rest, doing stuff for self / GAL stuff):

But I do have an update, and a question for the forum:

Earlier this morning, W texts me if I have anything on calendar for week of May 6 (through May 10). I tell her in so many words that nothing is planned. Crickets from her after that.

Until she gets home later this afternoon. I figured it was some sort of work outing / trip—and I was right. She wants to go to a training in her native Atlanta—and she wants to take YS with her (OS would stay with me; other family members and friends can meet YS). She wants to know if that is okay with me. I told her I would think about it. She wants an answer by Monday morning, so she can talk with her supervisor, so they can get funding and all that.

My initial thoughts: She can go and travel all she wants, really—I’m used to that, and have become much more accustomed to that the last few years. What I’m conflicted about is her taking YS with her.

I seem to remember not that long ago W telling me to my face (as well in the D papers / court filing), that I am basically a flight risk. W has asserted that I have no ties to SoCal, and she’s told me her fears about me non-renewing my teacher agreement at the end of the year and up-and-taking the kids back to my native Cleveland, OH, and that my mom would be colluding with me to take the kids at any point (W’s reasoning / WAS-speak: ‘you never know what people can do when they’re angry.’) (Not that I would ever do such thing, but....her mind is just elsewhere at this point)

I’ll have to look at the paperwork again, but I would imagine that she would need written permission from me, within a certain time period, to take either or both of the boys out of state. I’ll double-check. Should also check with L about that one. W also told me that this works both ways—that I’d have to let her take a kid / kids, if I want to do the same.

Thoughts?

Last edited by Bo562; 03/30/19 03:46 AM.

M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Well....W and I had a convo...at first she approached me about splitting bills.

Then it morphed it a conversation about how she is planning on leaving, moving out and taking the boys. I told her that she cannot take the boys—that I have as much legal right to them as she does.

She apparently plans on moving out in the next few days, supposedly. She already has plans on what she will do and where she will live, and will apparently take herself off of our lease.

She plans on not fighting me for much in the condo—except she will take the kids’ furniture, and I’ll have to replace it apparently.

I did my best to validate as much as I could, but she repeatedly told me how deceptive I’ve been / am being towards her. She hates that I answer her questions with questions, that I parrot things back to her, and that not once have I told her how I’m feeling about anything. She also talked about how much that hurts her.

She wants one of us to live here, so OS can still be in school at his current school. I told her I’m not sure what my plans are or what they look like, but that I will do what is best for me and the boys.

I finally got an ILY from her, which I reciprocated, but she told me that the man she married wouldn’t keep things from her, would not be deceptive, and would answer her questions. She also did not / does not what to get lawyers involved. I validated “that must be very difficult for you” and “I wish things would be different.”

The conversation ended when she tried faux validation on me. I told her that I would not be mocked, and that if that continued, I will walk away. She continued to do that, and I said that I see that I am being mocked, goodnight.

W and I will talk on Monday night about what our plans are—she wants specifics from me about how to keep OS in his current school, and what life will look like for me. She wants me to share first, and then she will share her specifics.

She also talked about how she can afford our current place better than I can—that she has less debt than me (apparently she doesn’t understand community property law), and she also seems to believe that I will pay her child support because she will take YS for breast-feeding (according to her, pumping is not the same; though my L doesn’t believe that what she said is compelling).

These are just some of the ‘highlights’ right now, I’m sure there are others.

Last edited by Bo562; 03/30/19 05:25 AM.

M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Also, she reiterated once again that her worst fear is that I will take the boys from her. I told her I would never dream of doing such a thing.

What she explained to me is that for her, her mind races to the worst-case scenario, and when I’ve tried validating, that causes her mind to race and wander, and she immediately assumes the worst. That I’m hiding something from her. That I have some ‘smoking gun’ or that I’ve done something or have evidence that she’s done something, or that I’ll take the boys.

Last edited by Bo562; 03/30/19 05:29 AM.

M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard