I briefly skimmed the paperwork.....W wants joint custody, but if I read it correctly, I would get every other weekend, and Wednesday through Friday—which is I believe what she originally threatened me with, and what she believes she will get.
Also, because of breastfeeding, W wants ‘sole physical custody at this time, with generous visitation to Respondent.’
Just ugh.....At first, I felt fine, but the more I think about it, and look through it, the sicker I feel. Like someone kicked me in the stomach. I feel terrible—that I did this to our family (I know...own only my stuff or my side of the street, but man this hurts, and I’m speaking from a place of relative hurt right now). I don’t want to lose my kids like this—I know I won’t totally lose them, but I don’t want to be deprived of as much time as she’s asking for. Luckily, my L previously said that the courts generally start at joint custody, and try to equalize visitation as much as possible. I also know first rule of negotiation is asking for more than you want....so this is probably what she is doing.
I am so, so glad that I followed L’s and Twofeet’s advice to do a custody / care log: I have about 2 months of posts about everything I do / have done for the boys. Hopefully that will help me.
I do take some consolation in reading through other posts, and some screenshots that I took of other threads / quotes from the last few months I’ve been on here.....and one thing I’m glad I came back across is the idea of ‘I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me.’ Clearly, right now she doesn’t. Hopefully some day I will find that person...in time. But now I need to get through this.
What’s good is that my mental attitude up until about 2 hours ago was overall really good. GAL going okay enough—hockey game was excellent, and I penciled in a concert with John Legend my undergrad alumni chapter has at the Hollywood Bowl in June. Been much much better about exercising—met with Running Club a couple of times each week for the last couple of weeks, but this week has been about swimming. I asked for access to the pool, and I went swimming Monday, Tuesday, today (Thursday), and will look to do so at the end of the day on Friday. With respect to the Italy trip I mentioned earlier, I’ve heard there very well could be a spot for me, so I’ll continue to check on that. Soccer league was a washout (figuratively)—it didn’t happen, so will look to do softball a little later this spring.
Work has been going okay enough—backed up on grading and letters of rec for some students. Passed my last performance evaluation in mid-February with flying colors—met with my immediate boss (dept. chair) about it briefly on Tuesday morning. This year is my 5th year teaching—and I will get a plaque for that at the end of this year. My dept. chair didn’t even realize it was 5 years for me until I mentioned it. I’ve just been feeling better about my interactions with co-workers—being more attentive and involved with them. Trying validation with some people and some of my students: Girls lacrosse match? Ask the coach and my student-athletes—“tell me about the lacrosse match,” and I would do the same for my students who swim “tell me about the swim meet.” Progress is being made on making myself a better person, and trying to be AMOAFWL.
Arrived in the mail earlier tonight (how does that work—I thought you had to be served in-person, but whatevs).
Yes, if the papers have been filed with the court then you have to be served by an agent of the court, in person. This is the same in all states as far as I know. Who sent the papers to you? If they came from her L then they may just be for your review and they haven't officially been filed yet. I know it's a real gut punch to get those papers, but hang in there, it'll pass!
Yes, if the papers have been filed with the court then you have to be served by an agent of the court, in person. This is the same in all states as far as I know. Who sent the papers to you? If they came from her L then they may just be for your review and they haven't officially been filed yet. I know it's a real gut punch to get those papers, but hang in there, it'll pass!
Thanks, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Her L sent these papers to me. I emailed my L last night soon after opening them asking about the next steps (obviously a response, but what specifically that would look like).
I do recall seeing a court date for the end of April in the papers, and W basically called me a ‘flight risk’ in those papers because I have no ties to Cali.
Now that I think about it, I bet being served comes next. I wonder if these are just being mailed to me as a courtesy / warning—“hey, this is coming, expect to get served soon.”
Thanks, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Her L sent these papers to me. I emailed my L last night soon after opening them asking about the next steps (obviously a response, but what specifically that would look like).
Probably a review set then, which explains why you weren't served. My XW did the same, had her L draw up the papers and send them to me for review before filing. That gave me a chance to mark them up. In my case there were just a lot of blatant errors in the papers that needed correcting, not to do with the settlement but careless stuff like misspelled words, missing pages, duplicate pages.
It's painful to go through, there's just no way around that. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but having been there I know there's no shortcut, you've just got to go through it.
Probably a review set then, which explains why you weren't served. My XW did the same, had her L draw up the papers and send them to me for review before filing. That gave me a chance to mark them up. In my case there were just a lot of blatant errors in the papers that needed correcting, not to do with the settlement but careless stuff like misspelled words, missing pages, duplicate pages.
Could be. But I’ll basically sleep with one eye open and keep head on a swivel, expecting a server.
I skimmed the paperwork, but I did review it enough to see the hometown / birth place of OS misspelled. Louisville, KY—not Lousiville, KY.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It's painful to go through, there's just no way around that. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but having been there I know there's no shortcut, you've just got to go through it.
Thanks. I’ve been wondering why it’s been so quiet on her end recently. This also fits with her timeilne, when I look back on it: W wants to get things good to go before she goes off for training in September for 3 months. She originally told me it would take about 6-9 months to do everything through the courts.
Bo, I know this isn't what you were hoping for. Lots of steps in these sitch are gut-punches. BD. WAS moving out. Being served D papers. Mediation. D court. D finalizing. It all stinks, big time, and hurts the LBS more than the WAS ever realizes, knows, or cares.
Bo we are here for you man. I said a prayer for you and will continue to pray for you and your sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Bo, I know this isn't what you were hoping for. Lots of steps in these sitch are gut-punches. BD. WAS moving out. Being served D papers. Mediation. D court. D finalizing. It all stinks, big time, and hurts the LBS more than the WAS ever realizes, knows, or cares.
True—not what I was hoping for, or necessarily wanted. I never asked for this, even if there are things I may have done to her or not done for her. But I’ve mentioned before that my attraction towards her on all levels (physically, emotionally, spiritually) has been waning the last few months.
It hurts me, yes....but I’m afraid for the kids. They don’t deserve this, whatever I may have done or not done to or for W. I just saw in the feed of latest posts someone mentioned that the kids are the true victims—they didn’t ask for this, don’t deserve this.
And I’m really heartbroken about the potential of not seeing YS nearly as much. I’m absolutely ga-ga over him, and am so grateful that he’s here and I find him to be such a blessing. I know it’s not YS’ fault, but it just feels like the pregnancy with him really ‘broke’ W, emotionally and spiritually. Who knows, maybe W would have wanted a D, even if we didn’t have YS. But man.....
And I’m also afraid of them being taken away from me as much as W wants in her proposed custody arrangement. They need their Daddy—way more than every other weekend, and Wed—Fri..
Originally Posted by Steve85
Bo we are here for you man. I said a prayer for you and will continue to pray for you and your sitch.
Thanks. I’ll be off to commute to work / school soon. I’d like to share later on an encounter I had with my priest confessor earlier this week, during our Lent Reconciliation / Penance / Confession services—it was interesting, and rather eye-opening, to me.
I am no L so check with your L, but she may get temporary sole custody of the kids with the whole breastfeeding thing. Once YS is weaned it will probably go to 50/50. Like I said check with L.
You may get served or you may not. Before I got W to switch to a mediator she told me I wouldn't have to be served and I could just go down to her L office to get my walking papers. Once she dropped L and switched to the mediator it was the same thing. They had the papers and told me to come down and sign them when I had time, within the allotted window to respond. If you don't want to get served in public, just talk to W and L.
You are a flight risk? WTF! Were our spouses always this flakey and we were just to love-blind to see it?
One thing I think the Catholic church fails on is marriage prep. We had to do the weekend engaged encounter and that is just garbage. I think a longer education process, with stricter requirements is needed. Since the D is so easy getting married should be hard. I talked to my sister who is engaged about consequences of D in the church. She, like I think many of our faith are in the dark.
I know it hurts, but one foot in front of the other.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I am no L so check with your L, but she may get temporary sole custody of the kids with the whole breastfeeding thing. Once YS is weaned it will probably go to 50/50. Like I said check with L.
From an email from L: “She leaves [YS] to work every day. The Court will not grant her primary custody just because she is breast feeding”
Originally Posted by Twofeet
You are a flight risk? WTF! Were our spouses always this flakey and we were just to love-blind to see it?
WAS / WW gonna WAS / WW. The WAS fog, I believe.
I mentioned this earlier, but W believes that because my teaching agreement is year-to-year I could non-renew myself, and just up and take the kids. That’s not gonna happen, or work. I’m not that desperate, or that stupid. She believes otherwise.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
One thing I think the Catholic church fails on is marriage prep. We had to do the weekend engaged encounter and that is just garbage. I think a longer education process, with stricter requirements is needed. Since the D is so easy getting married should be hard. I talked to my sister who is engaged about consequences of D in the church. She, like I think many of our faith are in the dark.
I really, seriously thought she was (and we were) better than this. When I was dating, I wanted to find someone who is a faithful Catholic and who doesn’t believe in divorce (except for probably a true worst-case scenario like extreme abuse, neglect or infidelity, which I could at least understand). We had a sponsor couple, as we both have degrees in religion (her in religious ed, me an MA in theology).
One thing I’ve given much thought to, and could write a much longer post about, is that if this goes through, what would I want from a dating partner, and potential remarriage. I sometimes wonder if I asked too much of a marriage partner. I also have wondered if I would potentially be happy (or happier) with another woman who is not necessarily Catholic—a Protestant Christian, or someone of another faith tradition, or perhaps even atheist / agnostic; as long as this woman is sympathetic or ‘do no harm’ towards my beliefs or the beliefs I wish to instill in the boys until they are of age to decide for themselves. During undergrad, I know that I drew the attention and affection of young women of non-Catholic traditions—but I wanted to date / marry a Catholic girl. /sigh. This could be a longer post, but this is the Cliffs Notes version of my thoughts on the topic for now.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
I know it hurts, but one foot in front of the other.
Thanks, TF. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole. But then I realize that things will probably get much, much worse before they get better. I also have never felt further away from hope for our MR than right now.
The thought has occurred to me: If, in early January, I accepted her parenting plan / bird-nesting as-is, we would already be doing that. And I wouldn’t have had those extra 2 months or so in our condo, being with the boys 24/7. I’m glad I at least held out for that.
