Your updates sound great! You sound like a great dad. That mystery note is really intriguing. You must have some idea who it could be from!! And a trip to Italy or Spain would be a wonderful experience, especially at this particular time in your life.
Thanks, Nicole! I appreciate the affirmation—I try really hard to be a good dad, especially to our youngest. I am so over the moon that he is here, and even though the pregnancy was unexpected, I did want another child anyway.
I do like the mystery note—it’s really sweet, and it totally changed my day. Didn’t expect it at all. Thing is, I have absolutely no clue who it could be from—I talk to a lot of people and say a lot of things in a given day / week, so I’m really at a loss.
I guess my question is—why is it ‘anonymous’? Why not just sign your name? Why the mystery?
I do hope to hear positive things back about the Italy trip. I’m sure W and I will have some sort of resolution (one way or the other) by the time wheels go up for that trip, so right now it’s my starting to build a better, more amazing life, and plan like W’s not going to be a part of it.
I also decided to download a Spanish language app for my school’s iPad (I use it a lot for personal stuff, too—teachers can download essentially any app we want, unlike our students, who have their access restricted), but this app is permitted by the school, and I figured if it’s good enough for our students to use, it’s good enough for me.
Living in SoCal, there are tons of Spanish-speaking people around, so I might as well better orient myself. Plus, I took 4 years of HS Spanish, I loved the subject, was pretty decent at it, more of it has ‘stuck’ in my memory than I really expected, it will give me a new skill / dimension, and hey....if W and I do split, perhaps it will help me with a Hispanic / Latina woman! (Fun, longer story for another day, but: Before I met W, when I was finishing grad school, I flew halfway across the country from my native OH to Denver, to meet a young woman I starting talking with online. She lived up in the Colorado Rockies, northwest of Boulder, and I spent a long weekend with her enjoying the best of Colorado. She was Salvadoran and Irish [what a mix!] and she was plenty lovely, a devout Catholic like me, so we clicked intellectually and spiritually. Honestly, it was one of the best weekends of my life, and though it didn’t work out with her, I would definitely do it again—no regrets at all, and it’s an amazing story to tell. I left a piece of my heart in Colorado, and I want to go back.)
Moving this here from another thread so I don’t hijack that thread.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Bo... Men like you are rare in this day and age.
(((DV6))) This is one of the sweetest things I’ve read in the forum or my thread, and one of the nicest things I’ve had directed at me in a long time. Thank you, DV—it really means a lot. I always knew I was different, and I tried to act like it, and I hoped for a different outcome because of that—but clearly, that wasn’t enough.
What I do know, and am beginning to appreciate and understand more about myself, is that when I’m right, and confident and happy, I can be really amazing. And I’ve been feeling that a lot over the last couple of weeks, which is really nice. I hope it sticks.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I think it is important for you to be true to yourself and to your values. The right person will appreciate that about you. Regardless of what happens with your W, I think you will be AOK.
I know I have miles to go in my sitch, and I’ll have to learn to be happy being alone for a length of time, but if I’m being honest, I hope that someone (W or someone else) will appreciate who I am in time. I know I shouldn’t do things so that I can attract someone else—as I stated earlier, and as AS affirmed, I should want to make myself and my life so awesome and amazing that hopefully someone will want to come along for the ride and complement who I am and what I’m doing, in time.
I appreciate the kind thoughts, and the affirmation that in the long run I’ll be AOK—it is nice to hear, even if there are moments and days where I’m not totally sure if that will be the case. In my heart of hearts, I truly do hope that there is a person out there who will deeply appreciate me and my values. I don’t expect someone to be exactly like me, but I would hope for an approach of ‘do no harm’ at the very least, or better yet some congruence or resonance, with my beliefs and values would be nice.
/journaling (Up late after chaperoning school’s Winter Formal tonight, and I have tomorrow off, which is nice)
Have some GAL stuff that I’ll post here.....
Went for a 15-minute run around the parish neighborhood this morning after dropping off OS at Sunday School. I know it’s probably not that long of a run, but I felt great after it, and what probably helped is that I had a really good breakfast before, and I didn’t wait until I taught a day’s worth of classes and THEN ran in the afternoon—I went for a run before I wore myself down with a day’s activities. Tomorrow I may do more running—or I could throw myself in our complex’s pool and just swim and splash around for a while, and do something lower-impact.
One GAL thing that I’ve tried (to no avail) to get back into is Knights of Columbus. Our parish has an active chapter, and they hosted a breakfast this morning. Once I picked up OS from Sunday School, I went over to the parish hall where the breakfast was and decided to seek out a contact so I could get the gears moving on that. Sure enough, the man that I approached and struck up a conversation with was the father of 2 former students—his daughters that I had were among the most extraordinary students and young women that I’ve had, and I told him as much. I got his contact info, so I’ll reach out to him and get moving on that. Of all the people, I find this person....weird, but cool.
My undergrad university has an alumni chapter in Los Angeles, and this Saturday they are hosting an outing in Downtown LA—meeting at a restaurant for lunch / drinks, and then going to a Kings / Blackhawks hockey game (I absolutely love hockey, though baseball is my first love for sports, and it’s been forever since I’ve been to a hockey game—there are few things like a live hockey game in-person). I registered for the event today and bought a ticket. W’s mom (my MIL) usually is around on Saturdays anyway, so I asked W if that would be the case this Saturday. She then asked ‘why’ and I know R2C and some others would have wanted me to be vague, but I wasn’t vague with her on this....and I just told her I’m doing this.
Before chaperoning tonight’s dance, I went to find something to eat relatively close to the venue. My preferred option (a Mediterranean place) is closed on Sundays (boo!—though the religion teacher in me gets it, as I implore my students every week to observe the 3rd Commandment and ‘keep holy the Lord’s Day’). So.....I needed another option. After searching online, I came across a Cuban place, and had that for dinner. Wasn’t sure what I wanted, so I ordered an appetizer sampler platter and had that for my meal, along with a pineapple soda (a Cuban drink). Ate the whole thing and made a pig out of myself, but it was so good. The fried pork was delicious—salty and crispy and tender and oh so good, but everything else was amazing. After that, I decided to go out and get a coffee because I knew that tonight would be a late-ish night—so I stopped by a Vietnamese sandwich place that serves coffee, and some of my students recommended it. Iced americano latte—yum. Only in SoCal—Cuban for dinner, followed-up by a Vietnamese coffee.
Despite the distance between W and I, and her relatively poor attitude demonstrated towards me, I’ve been in a remarkably good mood the last couple of weeks. Before I went to the Vietnamese place to get coffee, I rocked out in my car and sang to Belinda Carlisle’s ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth.’
The epiphany, if you want to call it that, that I realized tonight in my adventures is: it’s almost like I have to / need to ‘date myself’—to treat myself right first, before I date someone else (W, or otherwise), even though a Cuban dinner and coffee afterwards sounds like a really good date idea, tbh. That I’d have to make myself someone that I’d want to be with first, then worry about someone else hopefully sliding in alongside me down the road.
Tomorrow on my day off I hope to do a number of things:
*Go to early AM confession after dropping the boys off at sitter / school *Getting some new blue jeans (part of the upgrading the wardrobe thing)—most of my jeans are a size 36, but with the weight I’ve lost, I could easily wear a size 34 (I do have one pair of size 34 jeans, but that is it) *At some point in the not-too-distant future, I’d like to get measured for a new suit (I saw this on a post on a different thread from R2C). My current suit gets it done, but I know I could do much better, and look much better by finding something that really fits me right. My mom asked me what I would like for my birthday in April, and I told her: if you would like to do anything, then I would please like a contribution that I can put towards getting a new suit. Getting proper measurements is the first step.
And a couple of observations before bed:
*I’ve talked about hopefully piggybacking on a school trip to Spain or Italy (Italy looks like the front-runner right now, but we’ll see), but there are a number of places I’d like to visit, too. Would love to go to Australia, would love to go to Prague, and would love to go to Israel (OS and I had a discussion in the car on the way to Sunday School about the difference between Israelites [the Jewish people of the Old Testament] versus Israelis [inhabitants / natives of the current nation of Israel], and I told him I’d love to go there someday.) I think my school has sent a group in the past, and man I’d want to be in if that happens again. As a Christian, it would be extraordinary, from a historical / religious perspective. Would love to experience the culture, as I’ve heard it’s a very modern, first-world nation, and I’m sure the food is outstanding, too. I’ve also heard that the women are outstanding, too—Middle Eastern / Israeli women can be stunning (but then again any nationality or race can be—beauty is beauty, regardless of skin color or background), and I’ve heard that Israeli women love American men, and while I’m not sure how totally true that is, it sure sounds nice.
*At Winter Formal tonight, I wore my turquoise dress shirt, in the newer size. It fits great, and I received a compliment from a former student about it—she commented that she always wants to say something when she sees me wearing it. It’s funny—turquoise is not the shirt that I like the most (I’ll wear purple or a couple of other shades of blue more often), but it seems to be the one that I wear the best, if that makes sense. Lots of compliments when I wear turquoise, which is really nice, and affirming, and does wonders for PMA and overall self-image.
Dropped both boys off today at school / sitter, then went to a local parish for 8:30 a.m. weekday Confession, and I planned on going for a run. As I was driving up, I realized I could see the ocean from the road. I was a bit early for Confession, so I went ahead and went for a 20-minute run—and I ran to the ocean. So, so glad I did that—ran up the dunes, then down towards the water. I ran along the beach for a little bit, collecting shells where they caught my eye, and then back to the parish for Confession. One of the best things I’ve done recently, which was awesome. Totally glad I went for it here.
I told the priest that if I looked or sounded all out of breath, it was because I went for a run—at the end, after absolution, he said to me “you inspire me—I’m gonna go work out.”
Went shopping—picked up a new pair of blue dress pants for work (size 34–instead of the 36’s that I wear, to better reflect weight loss), as well as a new track bag for running / athletic stuff (the ones that I currently have are kinda small, and it’s difficult to fit a day’s worth of dress clothes in those, even though running clothes take up much less space, so I needed something bigger). I then went out and got some new pairs of blue jeans—I can now consistently wear a size 34, and one of the pairs is a ‘slim fit’—wasn’t sure how much I would like them, but I tried them on and I like them much more than I thought, and probably much more than I should. I look great in all of them, but especially those ones. I’ll wear the ‘slim fit’ ones when I want to look especially good or be something of a flirt (I know, who exactly do I have to flirt with right now besides no one)—might as well look good. PMA and all that.
Retained the L today—filled out the paperwork, and sent it over to her legal assistant. Retainer is $1500, and whatever is unused can be refunded, and retainers can be renewed as needed down the road and as negotiated—this probably won’t be the end of this, I’m afraid.
Running club meets tomorrow, which is nice. Need to get back with the sit-ups and push-ups, but the running is a good start. I’ve seen that there is a Catholic Young Adult sports league that is active in Orange County—I’ll need to look into that (I’ve seen it on its Facebook page when I would search for it online—I’m a lapsed presence on FB; yes I’m there, but I really haven’t done anything sustained on it for years, and I feel like my life is honestly better for it). Looks like I’ll need to send an email or make a phone call over lunch or after classes. I do realize that I should branch out and get some non-Catholic / non-religious GAL activities, but I figure this is a start.
/Before I set out to do some grading, some GAL journaling.....
1st meeting with Running Club that I’ve been able to join. Along with 2 other co-workers, in 28 minutes we ran 2.7 miles (so, 10.4 minutes / mile, which is decent enough). While I was making dinner tonight out on the grill, I knocked out 30 push-ups and 30 butterfly sit-ups.
Will try out a new pair of jeans tomorrow—it’s student group t-shirt dress day, so I’ll be wearing a soccer shirt that I look really great in, along with the new jeans now that they are washed and ready to be a part of the rotation.
Reached out earlier this afternoon to a young adult contact at the diocese for the young adult sports league—he will check to see if any of the teams need a ‘free agent’ for soccer, and that season has about a month left. He also mentioned that softball and basketball will start up soon—I would be into softball, basketball not so much.
I saw this on Harvey’s thread, so I’m putting together a document outlining some personal goals, like what kind of person I would like to be, where I’d like to travel, what I’d like to do, and in general what I’d my future to better look like.
During my off-block, a male colleague remarked that it looks like I lost a good amount of weight. I affirmed that for him—told him that I’m down about 30 lbs. since I started. He acknowledged that while I didn’t look too heavy before, that I do look noticeably slimmer. I do like how I look—it’s really nice to feel this way.
No running club today—but would like to knock out some push-ups and sit-ups today.
Will be picking up the last 2 of my new dress shirts—they came in last week, but haven’t had a chance to drop by the store yet.
Still have yet to hear back about the young adult soccer and softball—I’ll give my contact another day or so and wait until tomorrow to pursue more.
30 push-ups and 30 butterfly sit-ups while I was out grilling dinner tonight
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Been a little bit since I posted something about W.....and I did hear back from L via email earlier today. I have a couple more questions / comments for her that I will send her later.
From L’s email, especially with respect to my earlier-stated fears about W up-and-leaving and taking the kids:
“She has every right to move out of the current residence. But until there is a Court Order in place, she has no superior right to have the boys than you do....You can agree to the schedule she is proposing on a trial basis if she moves out. You just don’t agree to the overly comprehensive agreement she presented you with.”
L on W’s threats to go for sole custody, leaving me with little visitation?
“I think it is highly unlikely that she would ever get sole custody of your boys.”
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W was unusually chatty and friendly with me tonight when she came home from work. I was chopping veggies for dinner prep, and she was holding / carrying YS. She told me that there is a small chance she may have a work thing on Sunday night. She also offered to help chop veggies while I take YS—I declined, saying I’m good.
As part of W’s job, given the nature of her work, she has to file an annual financial disclosure with the Feds. What it does is list any sort of assets / obligations held by the employee (and if married, the partner, or anything held jointly, too). While I was making dinner, she asked about one of my retirement accounts (employee pension / retirement through my employer, the Diocese)—“So, this TIAA account—what is that” and I explained to her what it is, that they switched to a new fund manager a couple of years ago, any $$$ from the previous fund manager was transferred over and blah blah blah. She then commented that my retirement balance seems rather....low (she made the comment that her account balance was twice mine), and she was curious about that and if I’ve been contributing, etc. I told her that yes I have been contributing, but also that 1.) my employer deposits a lump sum of $$$ once a year into the account (this will happen sometime in March, I believe, so it hasn’t happened yet but will soon), 2.) she’s been doing this longer than I have (she’s worked with the Feds longer than I’ve been at my current job—when we first moved out to SoCal, I was a SAH Daddy, and then I temped in a couple of capacities before landing my present job—didn’t have retirement benefits staying home with OS, or through temping) and 3.) her fund is probably managed differently than mine (probably different rates of return that influence overall balance).
I won’t tell her this (unless she already knows but is playing dumb / ignorant), but L told me that in the D process, assets / obligations all get split as CA is community property. That also includes her federal pension and her retirement account—the one that is twice the size of mine.
Your W is at a tenuous point in life. Women especially are susceptible to the "Decade Life Analysis Phenomenon" (I just made that up.)
I knew girls that flipped out over turning 20! 30, 40, and 50 do not get any easier. I know my wife turning 50 was a big part of our problem last year. So she is 40 now, she probably feels like life is passing her by, she has lost herself, and turning 40 has made her take stock of what she wants in the future.
/not interested in hijacking another thread, so putting this here
At the end of the day, I could never truly discern what W’s reasons are for doing this (shouldn’t mind-read, and I know there are things I have contributed to lead us here), but I do wonder if this was / is a contributing factor—W turned 30 back in May.
She told me that there is a small chance she may have a work thing on Sunday night.
Is this common?
Background: W has training as an EMT, and she uses that in her current job as a so-called ‘collateral duty’ (a collateral duty is something extra that employees of her agency can take on—it’s like a volunteer capacity in other jobs). So, her collateral duty is as an EMT / medic for agent fitness tests, or agent operations.
If I understood her correctly last night, Sunday something is ‘going down’ with a target—and so she *may* be needed to help in her EMT capacity. She said there is a very small chance, but she’s putting it on my radar.
Back to the original question: Is this common? Often enough, yes: a good number of things come up for job where she is needed in varying capacities, not to mention her taking work trips for trainings.
This was a source of friction / resentment on my part earlier in her job and in our MR; however, over the last couple of years I’ve more come to peace or acceptance with it.
