Thanks guys - it was a wonderful trip. For the first time I lived fully in the present and just let things be. And I loved it. They were good people too - caring and intelligent and lovely to be around. DV - your trip with the kids and MIL sounds grand, but I would fully recommend going on a trip on your own. Get out of your comfort zone, meet new people, experience things and remember what it is like to be DV, not DV the mum, or DV the counsellor, but just plain old DV. I bet you will love her when you meet her. Look up solo adventure trips. There is one called FlashPacks - solo travelers looking for adventure (not partners).
A week without me kids. They have been away with their dad and come back on Monday. I have spoken to them every evening. These are short calls because 9 and 12 year olds don't really talk much on the phone. I tried to be upbeat and enthusiastic about things they've been up to and not burden them with my sadness. The most I said to this effect was that I was missing them loads and couldn't wait to see them again. I didn't talk to my H at all during these conversations, but they were on speaker phone so I could hear him and he could hear me. When I'd ask them what they'd been up to and they said something like "swimming" I would hear him in the background telling them to tell me about the swim in the ocean, or the fish they saw when they were snorkeling. When I asked them what the food was like and they'd say "it's ok" I'd hear him in the background reminding them of the desserts or the pasta they had. I don't think he was being malicious (i.e. we are having a great time and you aren't here), he was just trying to make me a part of it all. I love him for this. I still don't get why he won't talk to me on the phone though.
I have been trying to GAL. My motivation for yoga has taken a bit of a back seat though. I can't seem to get myself in the mood to do it at the moment. Maybe yoga overload last week but suspect it is too much effort for me at the moment. My preference is for GAL activities that don't involve me sweating it out in a gym at the moment. Monday I went and had a massage after work, Tuesday I had a facial after work, Wed I had a drink with a colleague (female) and we talked about how much she doesn't like her job, and thurs (last night) I went for a quick drink with a group of colleagues and ended up in a club at 5 in the morning. I had forgotten how much I love to lose myself in a dance floor. My late teens and early 20's (until I met H) were spent losing myself on dance floors. Its never been about hooking up (and still isn't). It is the feeling of losing yourself in the music, not caring that anyone is watching (or not). I know that I radiate when I dance. I know that I vibrate at a higher frequency (for those of you who meditation this will make sense) when the music is flowing through me. My H hated this. He could not control it. We would go out and I would immediately disappear on to the dance floor. He would stand on the side, drinking his drink, watching me. Part pride, part resentment. Eventually we stopped going out.
I am home tonight. Having a quiet night in watching TV and getting some work done. This weekend is also a quiet one, spent mostly on my own. I plan on sorting through my wardrobe, putting away the winter clothes (optimistic I know), making sure all the things the kids need for when school starts next week is ready and generally just getting on with stuff that isn't too exciting. Despite the lack of excitement, I will be kept busy and not thinking about how much I miss my children and my H.
I agree with you 100% about getting out of your comfort zone by traveling alone. It's all about taking chances and relearning who you are. All that solitude can be scary at first but ultimately is liberating. I give a lot of credit for my recovery to the 6 weeks I spent driving across the country by myself. It wasn't always fun. I cried a bunch. I was bored at times. I longed to be with people (including the W), but it also helped build my confidence that if I was strong enough to do that, I was strong enough to survive my sitch. It sounds like you had a similar experience.
Your dancing story sounds amazing. Losing yourself in joyous movement with no preoccupation for anyone or anything else - that is living in the moment. It is the true joy in life. Unfortunately it reminds me of the many times I was the resentful or bored or tired husband standing on the sidelines with a drink as my W lost herself on the dance floor. I've never been able to reach that place on the dance floor, though I wish I could!
Have a great weekend by yourself! You're doing great!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I agree with Davide, sounds like you are doing great. Your GAL is pretty awesome.
And Davide, next time get out there on the dance floor. Have you seen people get lost in themselves out there? Couples who do? They create their own little energy field. To not care or be shy, to let go... and you're safe from judgement. If club dancing isn't your thing there's other dancing like line dancing (Tx 2 Step or cupid shuffle), salsa, or latin circle dancing, quite fun in my youth.
I'm embarrassed about my dancing days but I had them. W and I partied in the days of Trance music and after hour clubs. Danced from 12-6 in the morning. FS, I am sorry to hear your H seemed like he couldn't let himself go and have fun. [censored] to not be able to share that with him. That's one thing W and I enjoyed doing together for years. It's sad that I know part of where we are at is due to losing myself, the identity of who I was because I gained so much weight and lost sight of having fun. I want to get that back. Need to shed this weight. When my first son was born, the first videos I showed him were dance videos. There is a famous Asian dance kid named Aidan out there that my son dances like.
LOL FS, I understand that sweating and working out is not GAL. That week you described sounded pretty awesome though. And thanks for commenting on my current sitch with W. It helps. Deep down I know I cant reach W where she's at. This guy and that girl, not a good combo. We must find our way again. [censored] that children are involved. It really does.
Nothing is wrong with some quiet time alone. Not only does it give you a chance to sort through clothes but your feelings as well. I know you miss your children and H. We miss because we care and we love. Life is wonderful like that.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thanks guys - I am trying to keep my head up whilst I walk this path I have chosen. Some days are better than others and more and more often, my laughter and smiles are genuine.
Neff - I am so grateful that you are here. It cannot be easy reading some of these sitch's. It is a testament to the man you are that you want to help. As an aside, and despite that fact that I cannot understand a word of it (English is my first, and only language), it makes me smile when I read Davide's thread and see the banter between the two of you. A little light in the darkness.
Davide - Get on that dance floor. Let go. There is nothing more beautiful than a man on the dance floor who is lost in the moment. Turn your brain off. Feel the music as it moves through you. Breath. Same as mediation, but with music and movement. I remember the dirty looks I use to get from my H. Every time someone approached me he would scowl. I would always point out my H and/or my wedding ring so no-one got the wrong idea, but this never helped. There were many conversations in many cabs with me feeling like I had done something wrong when really it was his issue.
Adam - Trance ?!?!? You're the man. Don't ever be embarrassed about being lost in the music. Like you, I lost this part of myself. I didn't and still don't see it as a sacrifice. Just a necessary part of building a family. Staying out till all hours does not work well with young children, a serious career and a husband who is away more than he was home. But things change. My children are growing up, my career is pretty stable, and my husband is gone. I am rediscovering the girl I was before him. Parts of it I have to leave in the past and other parts I am taking into the future with me. I am going to travel and see the world. I am going to make new friends and hear their stories. And I am going to dance. I hope I can do these things with my H. But I suspect I will be doing them alone.
My kids have been back nearly a week now. It has been nice having them back and things have reverted back to normal. D12 is still having problems but we are working through them (slowly).
H and I have barely spoken. I avoid him. I do not like who I am when I am with him. Being with him opens me up to all the old insecurities. I never start a conversation, and my responses to his questions or attempts at conversation are always short and to the point. I can see he is trying, but I cannot face him anymore. We had parents evening at D9's school the other night and I met him there. I purposely made sure I arrived exactly on time. He looked at me and said "cutting it a bit fine" and I responded "I didn't want to hang around too long". When he came to pick up the girls the other morning he arrived early (I had the girls ready) and when he came in I said "As you are here, I might head off" and kissed the girls goodbye and got in my car. It hurts that I can be friendlier to strangers than to the man I married.
When they came back from their holiday he showed me a photo book he had made whilst they were away. He and the girls had had a photo shoot done. He passed it to me and I flicked through it, commenting once or twice on the girls tan or a dress that D12 had on. The photos were beautiful. My girls looked beautiful. My H handsome as ever. This was a photo album of memories - which don't include me. My emotional barriers went up and all I wanted was him to leave my house so that I could sit in my room and cry. I am not sure how he expected me to act when I saw it. I am pretty sure my lukewarm response did not register well.
Hello FS, I just joined and am busy reading threads. I love your description of your dancing and your yoga holiday, they sound amazing and a great way to GAL. I can also identify with having a scowling husband looking on at you having fun, my dh did that quite a bit and that's tough.
Reading back a little bit, it seems we have a bit in common in terms of needing to show our husbands vulnerability and not distancing as we used to do in the past. The scene you describe above with the photo book sounds painful, but also like you withdrew from him instead of being open. Perhaps you could send him a text saying how beautiful the photos were but that you found it painful? Just a suggestion, like I say this is something I'm struggling with, trying to protect myself from pain but also not retreating from my husband when I'm in pain. It's very hard. Some days you want to throw in the towel and some days you want to fight for your marriage.
In what way is he trying?? Critical comments like "cutting it a bit fine"?? I do see that showing you the photos was nice, if not a bit insensitive.
Can you elaborate on the 'I can't face him anymore?' Is it because of a 'yearning' or anger or sadness, or indifference? Is it him or the situation that you can't face anymore?
It hurts that I can be friendlier to strangers than to the man I married.
I know it does, but right now I'm sure you understand why it hurts and why it's easier to be nicer to strangers...Sorry!
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I am not sure how he expected me to act when I saw it. I am pretty sure my lukewarm response did not register well.
I really think he wanted to connect with you, though he wants that without commitment right now. Terrible, but you did the right thing. How can you give in a just do this halfway? That would only kill you inside. So you do what you can do, and do your best to live your own life and not be in pain all the time. I can tell you it does get better in time, but even at the 1 year mark for me I still feel pain. That's OK. And I think about your sitch, you have kids, you've been together longer...it may take more time than it takes me. But again, that's OK. Let go of what you can't control and put that energy in positive places like you have been. I think you're doing quite well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
