What weighs on me the most right now is the loss of companionship and intimacy, having someone give me the feeling of being safe, the appreciation, and the love. I can go out as much as I want or become a regular at the gym and start new hobbies and do all kinds of things, none of those address my emotional needs. S13 hugs me and tells me he loves me, but it is not the same. The cat purring next to me is soothing, but it is not a suitable substitute. I want that feeling back, the state of mind that nothing in the world can hurt me because there is someone who holds me and catches me. I grew stronger, yes, are less afraid of the future no matter what it will be. But no matter what I do, there is this sickening loneliness. I don't know how to cope with that.
It [censored]. The person who makes you feel better is also the person who broke your heart. I'm struggling with this too, the loneliness. I try to just remind myself this is all temporary. It won't always be this way. Try to think, a year from now, how will I be or how will I feel? Set your sights on that and move towards it. You didn't always feel this way, and you won't feel this way forever.
Thats what I try to keep telling myself anyway
Sometimes it seems to happen in a second, but that is the hard part. Having the patience, having the hope, and having the strength to do this incredibly tough task.
Yesterday I got a new litter box for the cats. I got a new one not too long ago, but one of the cats outright refused to use it. So the mess overall was quite nasty and smelly. In better weather I would drag it all outside and hose it down, but could not do this now. So I cleaned up as much of the dry gunk as possible and the scrubbed the big plastic tray that we put under everything in the bath tub. But that clogged the drain and I had to run back to the store. After dumping a whole bottle of draino in nothing changed. S13 was asking me the whole time if I would play a game with him and it just hit me. Everyone plays with the cats and enjoys their company, but nobody fills their food or water dishes and definitely does not want to deal with the litter box. The bathroom looked like a mess before I got in there. Every friggin thing is on me while W drinks beer and gets it on long distance with OM. That on top of what could have been a nice family lunch at the diner if W would not have been so, well, antisocial....and that after it was her idea (but I liked the idea). I snapped at my son and right after felt insane anger at W. All my misery and pain is because of her. My sleep problems, my anxiety, my depression, my helplessness....all because of her. It took a moment and then I apologized to my son. The clogged tub will still be there later. So we played Blokus, Exploding Kittens, Operation, Backgammon, Sorry, and some trivia games. We also destroyed a big bag of Snyder pretzels. After that I checked on the tub, it had drained nicely, I scooped out any rough dirt, and the rest flushed easily away. Cats were happy, S13 was happy, I felt a bit more relieved.
I slept like crap. Woke up early and just could not get back to sleep. I got up, had coffee and did a few things that were always pushed to the next day for the past week. Work was rough because I was so damn tired, but I still got a lot of stuff done. I knew W had a follow up interview at the health insurance company, she got that through the temp agency. She sent me a message after the interview, but I ignored it. When I got home I expected that I had to whip up dinner, but W already was done with it. She told me about her interview and that it went exceptionally well. I haven't seen her that happy and rosy for a very long time. We ate dinner together with S13 and it felt as if the past 8 months never happened. W went to bed early, but that is not unusual.
W also mentioned that she asked if the 6 month temp job could lead to permanent employment. Sounds as if she isn't thinking about just making some cash and bolting as quick as possible.
I know that I should not read into this at all, not even into what I felt when I saw her all dolled up and in her prettiest clothes. I feel happy for her, she is looking for purpose and this might just be it. Aside from that, things will happen the way they will happen. I have no control over it, but I know I will be OK. There is a long road ahead of me.
It will get better. There are many women out there that will make you feel like a god. I am very glad i made the effort to meet my new lady friend. She is very kind to me and treats me very well. I have never experienced the type of attention that this woman gives me from even my WW.
The emotions will pass and eventually you will be left with only dealing with resentment and anger. The rest of your life will be full and you will eventually get over that as well. I am in the home stretch of my sitch. Just waiting to see the docs my WW is going to file. Once I see them and my attorney approves I am moving out.
This is just a speedbump on the way to true happiness.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I snapped at my son and right after felt insane anger at W. All my misery and pain is because of her. My sleep problems, my anxiety, my depression, my helplessness....all because of her.
You're right. Then you also know what else is right? That it doesn't end with her making you happy. You have the freedom and the choice to do that for yourself.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
hope you're doing well. I checked the weather up by you, we're getting quite similar weather here.
One thing your posts reminded me of was an IC I had been seeing. I spent a great deal of time talking about my W for many sessions. The IC kept saying, "maybe this is just who she is". Of course, I wanted to believe the way she was acting was temporary, but I think this belief held me back from dealing with reality. I feel like maybe you do this too. I'm coming up on the 1 year mark in my situation, and I will tell you that it does get better. You will make it through to the other side a better, happier person. I see a lot of very positive qualities in you, and I know you have it in you to make a change and continue to improve.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It will get better. There are many women out there that will make you feel like a god. I am very glad i made the effort to meet my new lady friend. She is very kind to me and treats me very well. I have never experienced the type of attention that this woman gives me from even my WW.
The emotions will pass and eventually you will be left with only dealing with resentment and anger. The rest of your life will be full and you will eventually get over that as well. I am in the home stretch of my sitch. Just waiting to see the docs my WW is going to file. Once I see them and my attorney approves I am moving out.
This is just a speedbump on the way to true happiness.
A speedbump I could have done without. There are positives that came from it, but at times I think I rather be dead than deal with this sh.... I have no idea what my W's plans are, if she has any. OK, she wants to get a job and likely will succeed with that....and then slay it as anything else. She either doesn't do it or 110% full tilt cranked up to 11. I am sure I could meet someone else, although All my life I had 2 gfs. First one dumped me due to pressure put on her from others, second one I married. I always worry that my luck ran out with meeting someone. That is not a topic at the moment anyway. I honor my commitment I made, the vows I gave, and it would be wrong on so many levels....and opposite of what I ultimately want.Then again, I may need to change my wants at some point. Until then....let's have some fun. And who knows, maybe there is someone who wants to be with me. Too soon to worry about that.
Just got back from a tech presentation. S17 wanted to join this time and he really liked it. The presentation is at my work and there is free pizza, so a darn good reason to go. S17 is bored and he wants a job. So I asked my former boss if there is an opportunity. He is now interim director of the department and he told me that "we will make it happen". Will see, but would be neat to have S17 come to work with me.
I snapped at my son and right after felt insane anger at W. All my misery and pain is because of her. My sleep problems, my anxiety, my depression, my helplessness....all because of her.
You're right. Then you also know what else is right? That it doesn't end with her making you happy. You have the freedom and the choice to do that for yourself.
Yes....but do I? Right now I don't think so. Still married and as I mentioned before and as odd as it may seem, I do still love my wife. And there are always these glimpses of hope. Like last night. Then again, also the weird stuff like her sending me a post from a woman who is looking for a guy who loves cats. Another message that is easy to ignore, because I really would have no idea how to respond to that. Maybe she just meant it as a joke....and most definitely I am overthinking this. So...how to make myself happy. Hmmmm.....Saturday I already go out. Sunday I take S13 to the arcade. Weekend after I may give the casino a try, after all it is downtown and with their rewards card I can get free tickets to see a U2 cover band on the 16th. I am not interested in gambling. I take 20 bucks with me and that's it. I feed the slot machine and then I go home. In the end it is always the house who is winning.
hope you're doing well. I checked the weather up by you, we're getting quite similar weather here.
One thing your posts reminded me of was an IC I had been seeing. I spent a great deal of time talking about my W for many sessions. The IC kept saying, "maybe this is just who she is". Of course, I wanted to believe the way she was acting was temporary, but I think this belief held me back from dealing with reality. I feel like maybe you do this too. I'm coming up on the 1 year mark in my situation, and I will tell you that it does get better. You will make it through to the other side a better, happier person. I see a lot of very positive qualities in you, and I know you have it in you to make a change and continue to improve.
Weather [censored]...ice cold and snow, but that is not unusual here, after all, it's winter.
I know WW for almost 25 years now. She was always kind, loving, appreciative, warm, funny....just everything I ever wanted in a mate/spouse/mother of my children. And at least for me...snap...one day she changed into this totally different person, the total opposite. Maybe for her it was more gradual, but then she hid it well. Yes, maybe she is who she is, but I doubt it somehow. Be mean and rotten, but fake it for over two decades? I don't think even the most talented actor could pull that off.
So many tell me that it will get better, but I start to lose faith and strength. All this and effectively it accomplished nothing.
Thanks for telling me that you think I have a lot of very positive qualities, but right now it made me sad. Someone from far away who knows me a wee bit only from some posts can see that and someone who I am with for half my life cannot? I go and watch StarTrek and play with the cat. She still purrs at me and sits on my face.
WW got a job, starts on the 12th. So she will be out of the house 8 to 4 at first during the six weeks of training. After that they have flex time from 7 to 5. I'm happy for her and this will accelerate things, direction is yet to be seen.
Was at board game meetup yesterday and it was fun. I just never get many words out, it somehow does not come naturally to me. The people who attend are very nice. After a long day at work I do struggle with concentrating on playing the games. Most of them tend to be rather complicated and since I don't get to play that many games most of them are new to me. Going out on Saturday, will take S13 to the arcade on Sunday. Got some things lined up for March already, there is Mac & Cheese Bowl on the 2nd, S13 might be interested in this. On the 16th a U2 cover band is playing the casino downtown, tickets are free for rewards cards members, so I go there the weekend before to get that card. Not into gambling or 40$ steak dinners, but will be something to do. Forgot the date when the NY Craft Beer Fair is, but that might be another option.
Other than that, still having a hard time to feel happy and my sleep problems continue. And for whatever reason I feel so insanely hungry all the time. W promised to cook dinner today, so will see.
Good update! Those sleep problems and happiness problems will subside over time. You are actually getting out there and doing things, which is huge!!
I think you recognize that you aren't happy about your situation, but that your W is out of your control. So you go and find happiness in the places you can, and that's all you can do. Eventually your mind is going to let go of her and focus on this fun stuff you are doing.
Those board games meetups look fun too but I'm sure I would get crushed at first.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Kinda bummed....company won't hire S17 because he will need to sign an NDA as base for employment and NDAs are not enforceable against minors. No company that requires NDAs will hire a minor, period.....unless they are willing to take that risk. Will be rough to tell him that. Already looked up an article online that explains that it is not him, not me, and not really the company either. Also [censored] that the big list of work to do won't get done. My opportunity for advancement will come clearer within the next month. If this doesn't pan out I start looking for a new job when I am back from Germany.
Let's see if W cooked as promised...I doubt it. Took a photo of the office at home this morning. We are not neat freaks, but that room is totally trashed with empty beer cans and used dishes all over the place. Heck, even my kids' rooms look better.
Going to the gym tonight....a way to get rid of the angry energy. And gives me the option to blame my workout for feeling like crap.
