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Ah, that makes sense. Thanks Joseph.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!!! My kids, bless their hearts, told me yesterday that they think I look younger than their dad even though he is six years younger. I also told a 17 year-old client yesterday that it was my 51st birthday and she couldn’t believe it. She said her mom just turned 40 and looks way older than me.

Had lunch with a good friend of mine yesterday who divorced about 16 years ago from her XH. At the time, she found out that he had been having an affair with the receptionist at his work. She later found out that he had hooked up with a few of the wives in her neighbourhood... one of which she used to run with on a regular basis. So she has no regrets divorcing a serial cheater. She is remarried and both her kids are away at school. She is a manager in the school district that my H works for and said she saw him the other day when she was at his school. She said he looked like a deer in the headlights (what he looks like whenever he sees any of my friends). She said it took everything she had not to call him a dumb@ss...lol. We talked about the concept of love being a feeling or a choice. She told me about a study where the researchers asked Grade 12 students if love was a feeling or a choice. All of them said it is a feeling. They then asked the same question to the same number of 25 year-olds. All of them said it was a choice. Reinforces my view that my H is emotionally on par with the students he teaches...lol.

Looking forward to my get together tonight. A giant step toward my goal of having more female friends. smile

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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So my get together didn’t go quite the way I planned. Two friends came and then a third after one of the first two had left. The fourth friend, the one I met a couple of months ago who said for sure she was coming, texted me in the afternoon that he dog was limping so she was going to take him to the vet. An hour later, she texted that he was going in for surgery. Anyway...the poor thing was so “high” when she got him home that evening that she wasn’t able to leave him. I just laughed. I told her it might be destiny for us to never meet again. Despite it not going quite as planned, it was fun to get together with the women who did make it. I am glad I did it and will definitely organize something again soon.

This morning my kids are all over me to have a sleep over with a couple friends. I was looking through my phone for numbers and I came across some old texts from my H from when he had a different number. They were right around the time we were moving in July 2017...about two and a half years into his double life. Looking at them knowing what I know now, it is still confusing. They looked like normal texts between a husband and wife who were working well together. Lots of considerate and respectful texts (please, thanks, etc...), inside jokes and I love you’s. Reading them, you would NEVER guess that the husband was secretly living a double life and resenting his wife for all of that time. I have accepted this is where we are at but man... it is just still so bizarre to me. Don’t think I will ever understand it but I guess that is the gist of the situations where people bomb their spouses and run...pretty difficult to comprehend the incomprehensible.

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You make me remember my double life days...yes, I had that ability too...really dissapointing...but all behaviors have their costs. Sooner or later we must face our own actions.

So don´t try to comprehend the incomprehensible. It´s past now, you are light years forward from then.


(((((((((Happy Birthday DjV)))))))))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Sorry if I brought up disappointing memories Neffer. I am curious about your experience though. You seem like a good person... I think underneath all of his crazy behaviour, my H is too... so how does a good person justify behaviour like that? I cannot imagine living my life that way. Is it a personality thing? My H is a very private person. He doesn’t talk much about his emotions or internal experience to anyone whereas I could tell my life story to a perfect stranger. So when I am struggling with something, I would absolutely seek out a few trusted people to talk things over with. My H, on the other hand, has one or two people he MIGHT talk to. Having people challenge your perception of things is important, I think, as it often stops problems from getting too big. When you were in your worst mindset during your WAS days, were there people you talked to or did you mostly just rely on your own thinking to guide your choices? I realize that I will probably never completely understand but I am interested in your views if you are okay with sharing them with me. Also...one last question... what was the catalyst for you facing your own actions? My apologies if you have already answered these questions on other threads. (((HUGS)))

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Happy belated birthday DV.

The double life is a crazy one. The day I caught W lying to me...earlier that day she was telling me she loved me. Up to that point I could tell things were off but we still had certain routines like we made time for us on Friday’s before picking up the kids if you know what I mean or on other days we kept it spontaneous. I knew we lacked intimacy and my approach was way off. I tried to pursue to get her to talk to me.

Your questions to neffer made me think of a video I saw where the speaker asked is the cheating spouse a bad person making a bad mistake or a good person making a bad mistake? One you might consider D, but the other you can probably save.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Selfishness. That’s the trigger of some behaviors. I felt the need to protect OW and her kid. While I was leaving W and S. Crazy, right?.

The rest is there in my sitch. There was a wayward atmosphere where I was working....my work mates and OW were a team...so it was hard to get any other view of the sitch at that time. I let things happen so it was my entire responsibility.
Being protected while a child was one of my deficits so I was very conflicted at that time. I chose who to love...my family. I needed to protect them first. And here I am.

You just keep shining as usual. Let see what comes to the light.

Lot of hugs girl!
(((DjV)))


WW H(me): 53
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T: 27 M: 22
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Thanks Neffer. My H is guilty of selfishness for sure. There is also still the question of whether his “roommate” is an OW or not. Even if they are not together, I still see her in that light. The fact is...he is living with a woman and her two teenagers and not his wife and his own children. And everything he has told me about her tells me he sees her as a “damsel in distress” and given what he has said about the father of her children, my H would look like a knight in shining armour to her...especially if he has told her a bunch of lies about himself and our marriage. It is strange though... I’m not jealous of her in the least. If she is an OW, I know my H is just using her to escape his life and himself.

My H and I were supposed to spend today (Family Day in Canada) with our kids. Predictably he bailed. Says he has the flu. Whether he does or not, who knows. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend the day with him anyway so I wasn’t disappointed. I wasn’t anything TBH. I had zero expectations as I had predicted he woudn’t follow through anyway. A few months ago, I would have been crushed but TBH, I’m starting to see my H the way a lot of other people see him. A man who blew up his family and their finances to try to relive his 20s. Sad.

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Hello DV

Do you remember what you hoped for those months ago?

Detachment and indifference - with understanding and compassion.

Look how far you’ve come. Well done!

Keep moving forward. You’ve so got this.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks DnJ. I do feel like I have come a long way.

I was at pool tonight and one of my friends learned that my H had moved out. First thing he asked is, “Who’s he shacking up with?” I said, “no one as far as I know”. He says, “No, he’s a man. Men don’t move out unless they have someone to shack up with.” I guess the one thing I can’t figure out is if that is the case and his “roommate” is in actuality the OW, why wouldn’t he just tell me?” Divorces in BC are no fault so it wouldn’t have a bearing on our SA. And I’ve given him numerous opportunities to fess up but he just keeps telling me she is a roommate/friend and there is nothing going on. But if that isn’t true, how does he think it won’t come out at some point? He keeps talking about buying a house and moving out of his rental and presumably away from her. So if he does and she goes with him, does he think no one will notice? Does he think it won’t matter by then? Honestly, it may not matter to me at that point but it will matter to his mom. She won’t see it as him just cheating on me, she will see it as him cheating on his family.

When he was thinking about coming home and he texted me that he had dug a deep hole that he didn’t think he could climb out of, is that what he was talking about? Did he think that if he broke up with her and came home and I found out, he would be stuck with nowhere to go? The stupid thing is that on the very first night I found out about this, we ALL thought he was having an affair. He could have easily just admitted it then but he didn’t. And if he is lying, are our children being co-opted into the lie? They are 11, not four, and they are both bright kids. They do not talk about their time with their dad at all. Is that because they know they are keeping a secret for him? If there is one thing that I would be mad about, it would be that. But then again, my H has talked about just wanting to be by himself and the other night, he told me he spends a lot of time alone and he looked like he was genuinely thinking about that when he said it.

So.. I just took one of my emergency Ativan cause, as you can probably tell, my friend’s comments sent my thoughts down a whole bunch of roads that I haven’t gone down in awhile and now my brain is running through all the different things my H has told me and I just want to go to sleep...lol. Don’t worry though... not a backslide on detachment. I just have this thing about knowing the truth...even if it is hurtful, I think it is still better to know it. Anyway, I choose not to worry about it. This is one particular truth he will not be able to hide forever if that is what he is doing. Time will tell.

NIght all. (((HUGS)))

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