I had a bad night last night. I've had a better week than I have in a while, and am on top of the house, kids, homework, work, all that stuff. But I just felt so wrung out and exhausted last night. I let the kids sit and watch the telly and I sat upstairs and cried. Not the best parenting of my life, but I am doing my best and sometimes it isn't possible to carry on as normal.
Do you have other friends in real life that you are talking to? I have one or two - but I tend to be selective because I don't want people feeling sorry for me at work, and I don't want to turn everyone against him by venting my anger at them and making him out to be the bad guy because I don't think that will make it any easier to either reconcile or find a way to coparent amicably and warmly. It is hard feeling isolated though.
Hope you have a better day today.
It is so difficult to parent well and deal with our emotions at the same times isn’t it? It does annoy me somewhat that they can just walk away, they get to deal with how they are feeling by themselves, but we are expected to run the home, raise the children and deal with our emotions too.
I have told a couple of friends, I am being careful not to ‘go on’ to them about it. I don’t have any friends close by really, we moved 200 miles from family and friends a couple of years ago- that’s another thing that annoys me, he has just disappeared off back to his old life and left us all 200 miles away with no support network or friends of any kind close by.
It really is. I guess we have no choice. I feel resentful sometimes that I am doing the lion's share of the parenting while he's locking himself away on his own to concentrate on his work, but actually, I would rather have the chance to deepen and improve my closeness with my children and support them. And he is seeing the youngest regularly, picking up from school very reliably, bought some new school uniform for her, etc etc, so I can't fault him on that. I do understand why he's wary about contact with the eldest (and to be honest, the feeling is pretty mutual) so while it isn't what I want, I do think it's the best of a bad job right now.
What are your 180s? I am asking because over the weekend I plan to get specific and make a list of my own and as our situations sound reasonably similar I am wondering if yours might inspire me on some of mine, and vice versa.
So... 4 days no contact. I feel like a new person. I have only had fleeting thoughts about him, when I do think of him I feel indifferent. I have reinitiated contact with friends I had lost touch with, I am going away for 4 days on Thursday and have plans to meet friends and basically GAL. I have not missed him at all, in fact, if he suddenly announced that he wanted to come back I am not sure I would want him to. I let him blame me, I took all of the blame and I beat myself up about it for weeks but you know what? He was a pretty shitty husband. He never showed me love or affection, never supported me or showed compassion. I know of course that I am equally to blame, but at least I have acknowledged my issues and I’m working on being a better person, he doesn’t acknowledge he played any part in it.
I’ll be seeing him tomorrow as he’s coming to look after the children, hopefully this doesn’t push me back a step.
That's good news Monkey. I've had days like that too - but in my experience is passes and I cycle through anger and yearning and self blame and longing and grief again - backwards and forwards - though the cycles are getting shorter and I am able to comfort myself during them more easily.
I would suggest you minimise contact with him when he comes tomorrow. Be cordial but remote, give yourself something else to do, and plan some massive self care afterwards in case it brings up sad or angry feelings for you.
Thanks Alison. It’s been 11 days since my last post, my time away was great, I continued to feel good, met with friends and enjoyed some Male attention I got (did not act upon it but it was a nice feeling- to be wanted I guess). When I returned, husband was very off with me in the 30 minutes between me returning and him leaving but I let it sweep over me, I did not react at all. We have had very limited contact, only essential messages regarding the children. I don’t know what caused it but I had a relapse last night, a few tears but I pulled myself together again. Then today he phoned to speak to one of the children as they are unwell, he started to talk to me and was really nice, asking how I was and telling me about things going on with him. It was like speaking to the husband I married, not the one he had become. I probably shouldn’t have engaged with him so much, I did mostly listen and told him very little about myself but I am now back to feeling this huge gaping hole that he has left in our lives.
Another update (I find it useful writing things down here and looking back)
He was phoning and messaging a lot last week, being very nice. He came to see the children last weekend and slept in the spare room- I went out with friends and busied myself while he was here. We got on amicably with no noticeable tension. He then returned back to his parents and on Monday morning he sent a series of messages asking me to agree to a separation agreement and to sign to agree the equity each will get from the house and that I won’t touch his pension. Sorry to say that I lost my [censored]! Told him that I am not signing ANYTHING that may affect me in the future, and that things like that are decided in a divorce! He then demanded that I agree to divorce grounds of my unreasonable behaviour and he would issue proceedings. I told him that I am not lying on a document just to give him a quick and easy divorce. I sent him a long message telling him that I have felt unloved, unrespected and felt no support or compassion from him as a husband for several years and that was a huge factor in my mood and unhappiness so therefore me ‘nagging’ or being ‘snappy’ was justified in that sense. I went on to tell him that our marriage was a vicious cycle of stress, unhappiness and even hatred that neither of us made an effort to fix. I thought he would come back blaming me totally again but to my surprise he apologised for his behaviour and agreed with everything I have said.
Not sure what this means, but he’s coming to see the children this weekend so we will see how that goes.
I think the general advice here is that if your H wants a divorce, you don't stand in the way of him getting it. He can write what he likes as grounds for unreasonable behaviour, and you can decide whether to contest it or not. Even if you contested it - and most UK divorces aren't contested - all it does is delay the inevitable, and doesn't bring you back together. It doesn't fix anything. It sounds like in your heart of hearts you know that, as far as the legalities go, you could divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and he could probably divorce you for it too. Most of us are here because we have had long periods of being very unreasonable and living with people who are also unreasonable. Like you say, it's a cycle and trying to focus on 'who started it' and who gets to divorce who first won't fix it. It's very good he stepped away from blaming you and acknowledged that you're in a bad place you both got to together. Can you do that too?
What are your plans for the weekend? I think being cordial but distant and letting him have time alone with the kids and using your own time to GAL is a good idea. I think refusing to sign anything legal without representation of your own is a good idea too. You don't have to stand in his way, but there's no need to roll over and agree to whatever he wants especially if it isn't financially in your interests to do so either.
Monkey, I'm not sure where you are in the world. Divorce law is different in the UK to the states.
Is a separation agreement such a bad thing? It may protect you financially (depends on your location) Why would signing divorce papers be lying? In his eyes, the marriage has irretrievably broken down. When asked why; he is saying because of your unreasonable behaviour. Does it matter if it's yours or his unreasonable behaviour, (because you have referred to both in previous posts) Are you objecting to Divorce because you wanted the divorce to acknowledge his unreasonable behaviour, not yours? Would you contest the divorce petition? In the UK that is tremendously expensive, time consuming, emotionally draining and most often unsuccessful.
From the outside it all looks a bit tit for tat. We all understand the anger, but everytime you get angry it just proves to him that he's made the right decision.
Hey, I'm all for letting them have it both barrels but in your case is it getting you closer or further away from what you want?
If you don't yet know what you want then take some time. There's loads of advice on here about communicating so that you don't smash down bridges and give yourself time.
If he mentions divorce / separation agreements again, don't engage. Tell him to put something together in writing and you will take advice on it. Do not discuss terms with him at this stage, unless you are sure it is what you want. There's story after story on here about walkaways saying they want a divorce and never getting their acts into gear.
There are signs that you are starting to assess your marriage with rational thought rather then pure emotion. Once the emotion has lessened then you are in a better position to do what is right for you.
Thank you both of you. I am in the U.K. I don’t object to a separation agreement, just not on the terms he wants. Also, he wants a quick divorce as he wants to protect his pension ASAP whereas I am fairly certain there is a OW now and I want to wait for her to appear before I agree to anything. I don’t want a divorce, I do have hope of reconciliation but also I want to be more emotionally stable before I commence that battle.
I'm sorry to hear that you think there's an OW. That must be hard. I wonder what it changes though? If you don't want a divorce, and you're content to agree to negotiate a separation agreement, just tell him to send a draft to your solicitor and you can deal with it dispassionately via your legal representatives. If he wants a quick divorce, he can take the lead on the paperwork and you can respond in your own time via your solicitor. It doesn't matter if he petitions you for unreasonable behaviour and presumably you won't petition him for adultery if you don't want a divorce. So there's no real need to have a discussion about it? The content of the separation agreement won't be affected by the presence, or otherwise, of an OW, will there? I guess you need to think about what your boundaries are regarding the OW and your children and contact, but even so, from what I understand if he has shared residency then it's up to him what happens when he has his contact, and unless you can demonstrate OW is actively a risk to the children, it's up to him whether he meets her or not.
It's grim, I know. Sorry.
I think concentrating on your own emotional stability is very wise. Important for us all to keep up with GAL and concentrate on our 180s. Really hard when we're so depleted and all the practicalities of life are up in the air, I know.
