Monkey, so what if you irritate him? I don't get that. "What he is doing is irritating me....but I don't want to irritate him." And while not WANTING to irritate is commendable, not doing what YOU need to do for you is not appropriate, even IF it irritates him.
The rule you should learn and live by is this:
When he texts you, respond ONLY to direct questions. Informational texts do not get a response, NOT EVEN AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. When he asks a direct question, you answer BUT only in your own time. Doesn't have to be immediately. And then it should be done in the fewest words necessary. Yes or no questions get a yes or no answer.
This is not for him, it is for YOUR sanity and peace of mind. You need to start treating him like an acquaintance. Like you would the clerk at the store. You'd listen. Answer questions, but you wouldn't be emotionally invested in the discussion. That is where you need to get with him. Otherwise he will manipulate, control you and keep you on a leash. And that is not healthy for you.
Thanks Steve, I guess I don’t want to irritate him because I am the reason he left. He has repeatedly told me what a bad wife I was and I can’t help but want to put that right. In his eyes it is 100% my fault, and I guess I want him to like me, to see the good parts of me. I realise that is not healthy, I change between wanting to put things right to thinking of all the times HE let me down, all the times I felt unloved and I cared for etc.
Anyway, he’s still messaging now, I’m not going to reply as he’s not asking anything, just telling me about his day etc.
I guess I don’t want to irritate the WAS because the LBS is the reason they left. The WAS has repeatedly told the LBS what a bad spouse they were and the LBS can’t help but want to put that right. In the WAS' eyes it is 100% the fault of the LBS, and the LBS wants the WAS to like then, to see the good parts of them.
I took part of your first paragraph and generalized it. Why? Because the WAS will ALWAYS rewrite history, put all the blame on the LBS and speak in absolutes. "I was NEVER happy. I TRIED to fix things the entire time we were married. You are irredeemably, completely awful, terrible and have nothing good to offer." Those are typical statements by WASs. Why? Because they are trying to justify their actions be blaming, 100%, the WAS.
Monkey, we've all been there. We've been through it, and we've come out the other side. Some of us saved our marriages, some of us did not. But if you listen to us the sun will shine again in your life, no matter what.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I guess I don’t want to irritate the WAS because the LBS is the reason they left. The WAS has repeatedly told the LBS what a bad spouse they were and the LBS can’t help but want to put that right. In the WAS' eyes it is 100% the fault of the LBS, and the LBS wants the WAS to like then, to see the good parts of them.
I took part of your first paragraph and generalized it. Why? Because the WAS will ALWAYS rewrite history, put all the blame on the LBS and speak in absolutes. "I was NEVER happy. I TRIED to fix things the entire time we were married. You are irredeemably, completely awful, terrible and have nothing good to offer." Those are typical statements by WASs. Why? Because they are trying to justify their actions be blaming, 100%, the WAS.
Monkey, we've all been there. We've been through it, and we've come out the other side. Some of us saved our marriages, some of us did not. But if you listen to us the sun will shine again in your life, no matter what.
Thank you again Steve. That does make sense, I guess I need to try harder. I am listening and trying to follow as much advice as possible.
He dropped off the children this evening, asked if he could stay to put them to bed, I agreed since they were on a huge sugar rush! He asked how my night out was, I just replied with ‘good thanks’ and left it at that. He made a few more comments like he wanted more information but I did not respond. He put the kids to bed and left to go to the hotel straight afterwards.
Why do I feel so **** after I see him? Each time he leaves it is like being rejected all over again. I held it together until he left, but now I feel so down. Why am I so awful? Feeling pretty sad right now.
I can really empathise with what you're saying about the kid drop offs. It's like that for me too. Sometimes he is very chatty and wanting to share about what he's been up to, and I listen and validate and he goes away having got what he wanted (a dose of wife-sympathy) and I'm left behind hurt and upset because he's not asked me one question about how I am doing or how I am feeling. Other times, he does ask me how I am, and I make the mistake of saying 'I'm sad and tired and worried about the future and the children' and the truth gets him mad, so he makes an excuse and leaves and I feel rejected. Or I say 'I'm fine. Had a great day,' and he's irritated I am not more forthcoming and then he leaves and I end up feeling upset and rejected. Or I make a big show of talking about how happy I am, and he seems annoyed at that too, and then I end up feeling dishonest and manipulative and lonely and like I am all the terrible things he thinks I am, and rejected.
I guess I am saying that whatever I try, I still feel sad and rejected, so I generally feel better when I just totally limit my contact with him and let him have his own feelings and reactions elsewhere where I can't witness or be troubled by them. I try to take care of my own fear for the future. I haven't been doing brilliantly at this - as you can see from my thread - so I am not offering suggestions from an expert, just a load of empathy.
Thanks Alison, you have pretty much summed up how I am feeling.
Sunday was not as bad as I thought it would be. He looked after the children while I went out for the day taking part in my regular hobby. It was really good as I got to catch up with a close friend and it was nice to vent a little (lot!) about the situation.
I have been detaching myself, and this is drawing him in in a way I think. Bearing in mind he is living 200 miles away with his parents, I think he is possibly starting to see that I was not only his wife but his best friend- we talked about everything (other than our R- clearly!) and I think that now the novelty is wearing off of being child free and living with his parents, he is starting to miss a little of what we had... maybe. He is messaging, telling me about his day, asking totally pointless questions about the children and making chit chat, basically any reason he can to make contact. I am cautious of not detaching to far, I am being polite but not responding unless he asks a specific question. This is not as difficult as it was even just a week ago.
that sounds positive. And it is good that you're still doing things for yourself. I've been working on that too and it makes a difference.
Today I am just furious (see my thread). It helps me detach in the short term - I'm not going to chase him when today, when I think about how I've allowed myself to be treated, I feel angry and disgusted. But I know feelings change so I am just keeping on.
Will you be seeing him again this weekend. Do you still have a lot of contact over text?
that sounds positive. And it is good that you're still doing things for yourself. I've been working on that too and it makes a difference.
Today I am just furious (see my thread). It helps me detach in the short term - I'm not going to chase him when today, when I think about how I've allowed myself to be treated, I feel angry and disgusted. But I know feelings change so I am just keeping on.
Will you be seeing him again this weekend. Do you still have a lot of contact over text?
Thanks Alison. He is not coming until Wednesday, he is staying in the house while I am away. We have to both stay in the house on Wednesday night as I leave very early on Thursday morning. Texting has tailed off, my short answers and lack of conversation means he has realised I don’t want to chit chat. I spoke to him on the phone briefly yesterday, he tried telling me what he had been up to but I just gave the phone to the children.
Today is a bad day, I’m not sure why. I haven’t cried in a while but this morning when I woke up, I did. I feel very vulnerable. I’m not sure why today, posting here as the other option is to message him and I don’t want to do that.
I had a bad night last night. I've had a better week than I have in a while, and am on top of the house, kids, homework, work, all that stuff. But I just felt so wrung out and exhausted last night. I let the kids sit and watch the telly and I sat upstairs and cried. Not the best parenting of my life, but I am doing my best and sometimes it isn't possible to carry on as normal.
Do you have other friends in real life that you are talking to? I have one or two - but I tend to be selective because I don't want people feeling sorry for me at work, and I don't want to turn everyone against him by venting my anger at them and making him out to be the bad guy because I don't think that will make it any easier to either reconcile or find a way to coparent amicably and warmly. It is hard feeling isolated though.
