So he came to collect the children this morning. He repeated what he has said before- that he does not want to try again because he feels it is too big a risk that things will go back to the way they were before. He says I am right that he has put barriers up to stop himself getting hurt. I think I did a good job of validating his feelings.
He is bringing the children back Saturday evening and staying to look after them as I have plans on Sunday. He’s refused to stay in the spare room and has booked himself a hotel locally. I don’t understand his reluctance to stay in the same house... maybe there is an OW and she is not happy if he stays... so frustrating.
Everyone puts up barriers to protect themselves, don't you think? We talk about them all the time here, and there's a link in Cadet's post called boundaries. Check it out when you get a second.
Originally Posted by Monkey19
He says I am right that he has put barriers up to stop himself getting hurt.
I'm curious if he just said this out of the blue, or what you may have said to prompt this.
I think you may be trying hard to get him to "see the light" whether it's bringing down his walls or to even stay the night. This type of pursuit almost always work against you. I really think you should read the "Pursuit and Distance" link. Maybe someone will post the picnic analogy too. The point is this: if he has walls up, the walls exist for a reason. They go up slowly and they serve a purpose. Quit trying to break the walls down, that's scary for the person inside. Instead, make an attraction that might bring him out.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
He may be thinking that the offer to stay in the house is so that you can try to talk to him to get him see sense. In his head it is over and he doesn't want to give you mixed messages. Perhaps that's a decent thing for him to do.
I offered to do the same 6 months ago - move back in so that we could get the house ready for sale. Now I realise that I thought that if i had him here in the house 'I could work on him'
If you feel frustrated is it because you feel you are missing an opportunity to persuade him he's wrong?
See it as a blessing. Him staying n the house could easily turn into a step backwards from detachment. We only want to move forward.
Thank you. I did say to him last week that it felt like he had put these barriers up the moment he walked out of the door- hence him saying he agreed with me today.
I guess I’m frustrated with not knowing the full truth- or that is what it feels like. If there is an OW, well that changes everything for me.
I phoned him yesterday to speak to the children before they went to bed. I was conscious not to talk much to H, but after I had spoken to the children he tried to engage me in conversation, asked what I was up to, so I told him I had arranged to meet a friend for a few drinks, he sounded surprised (I have not been out without him in literally years) and the conversation ended.
Half an hour later I start getting text messages, trying to goad me into an argument. I must admit it did work but I quickly realised and stepped back, said that we can talk about things amicably another time. He then asks what time I’m going, where I’m going, apologises for ruining my night. I just responded briefly and told him he hadn’t ruined my night at all.
Later on in the evening he messaged again to ask how I am getting home, if I have a taxi booked etc. I was a little tipsy at this stage and just replied ‘taxi, It’s not your job to worry about me any more’ he responded saying that I’m still the mother of his children etc, then messaged again a while later asking me to let him know when I’m home safe. I didn’t respond and I didn’t let him know I’m home safe, I put my phone away for fear of sending something I shouldn’t...
Just checking in to tell you, that I am rooting for you, whatever the outcome will be in the end.
Trust nothing he says, but only his actions. Embed this into your mind, make it a strategy to live by, and you will be so much better off. You will not have to spend countless hours mind-reading and trying to figure out the who's the what's and the why's.
So I think its a good thing, that you call and talk to your kids if that works for them and makes them happy, and if it does not intrude on any new patterns that he might have begun forming in his new alone life with the kids, because as hard as it is, it is his time with the kids - this goes both ways, and you and he must accept this new way of life that is now starting to form for you.
You shocked him good with the going out part, and that is wonderful. However, you are engaging in way too much conversation. Be mysterious. You could have ended the convo after the information about you going out. There is no need to entertain any of the following messages he sent you - ignore unless its something regarding your kids that needs your immediate attention..
Stay strong, do you, and know, that the first steps are the hardest, then you learn to navigate, and make use of the great advice you will find here, and in time, you will be running towards a brighter future, with or without your ww.
/hurt
Last edited by Hurt213; 02/22/1910:35 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
I think that’s part of the problem- that I was trying to figure out why he was so interested in what I was doing, how I was getting home etc, I need to stop that and detach more... easier said than done!
He has been phoning to speak to the kids while they have been with me, as the children are young they want to speak to him as they miss him. Now he has them for a few days, I am not used to being away from them so did message first to ask if I could phone first. Hopefully this will get easier.
He is due back tomorrow evening, then is staying locally so that he can look after them on Sunday as I have plans. Dreading seeing him now to be honest
He keeps messaging today too. Firstly asking if I am alive, then asking how I feel, reiterating he was concerned because I didn’t let him know that I got home safely. Now he’s sending pictures of the kids on a day out they have had...don’t get me wrong I love to see the children having fun but does he really have to send them now? I kept my answers short and polite, nothing more. I feel if I had ignored him it would have irritated him and I don’t want to give him another excuse to get mad at me.
Even a week ago I would be enjoying him contacting me, now I think I just want him to leave me alone. Every part of me wants to tell him that he walked away from us, so he has no say in what I do or when, but I know I can’t. Posting here definitely helps to vent.
Monkey, so what if you irritate him? I don't get that. "What he is doing is irritating me....but I don't want to irritate him." And while not WANTING to irritate is commendable, not doing what YOU need to do for you is not appropriate, even IF it irritates him.
The rule you should learn and live by is this:
When he texts you, respond ONLY to direct questions. Informational texts do not get a response, NOT EVEN AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. When he asks a direct question, you answer BUT only in your own time. Doesn't have to be immediately. And then it should be done in the fewest words necessary. Yes or no questions get a yes or no answer.
This is not for him, it is for YOUR sanity and peace of mind. You need to start treating him like an acquaintance. Like you would the clerk at the store. You'd listen. Answer questions, but you wouldn't be emotionally invested in the discussion. That is where you need to get with him. Otherwise he will manipulate, control you and keep you on a leash. And that is not healthy for you.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/22/1903:28 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
- this goes both ways, and you and he must accept this new way of life that is now starting to form for you. 