13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Old thread:

Click

[Hurt213]

LH,

Thanks for the warning, and I am not going to be spending time with my ex like this on a monthly basis by any means, however it was time, and it felt right to do it for the kids, and it went really well, no arguments, no discussions, just a nice day with the most important thing in the world as our focus, the kids.

For people reading my "adventure", I can say, something that really made me see my former companion and her choices for what they were was something that became clear to me, in a moment were I wasn't even searching for it.
Basically I had a phone, that was filled with pictures of us as a family, and those pictures, are of great value to me, despite the fact that the family is no longer intact. So I was setting up an online photo bank, so the kids can have the pictures when they get older. I didn't want them on my phone anymore, and part of me "releasing" myself, was to get this sorted.

The strangest thing happened, because I was going through the pictures, and I ended up at a date where we went to a theme park a couple of months before the "im not in love with you and we should end it" talk. I saw pictures of a family, joy, happiness, smiles that were really genuine, and just overall it reminded me, that her saying how unhappy she has been for the past 6 years and nothing had been good in our relationship, were based on something else.

I realized, that this most likely was never about her unhappiness on a scale that large, that it was not someting that could be worked out, and there are a multitude of pictures from family outings, that back that up right up until she was very suddenly done with everything. Fact of the matter is that she simply just chose screw another man, and that was her decision to make, and that made it so easy for me to say "nah, im good over here, enjoy life over there".

I spent countless nights thinking of how things went so wrong, and how I should had been something more. There are of course a multitude of things that could had been better, but thats how relationships evolve and progress, together as two with communication as the tool. Realizing that she took the first exit on the highway when it presented itself in the form of something new, was just the kick I needed to be where I am today.

Pictures are sorted, phone is empty, ready for new memories. And the digital albums are backed up and will be there for my kids when they want to see them.

Life is good these days .

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So whats been going on in my life?

I find myself to have come to a complete acceptance of many things about my life, were I was and where I am going. I do daily slip in my thoughts, but its on such a minimal scale, that it doesnt affect my job, my mental state or my social life in general, so I have that going for me, and that is improving on a daily basis.

Status for me is: We are still taking turns to stay in our house with our kids (7 days each). We do not communicate unless it is regarding financials (house) or matters regarding the kids that needs both of our attention. <-- I feel better if this is how we do for now. This is a work in progress as I am in a place, where I have accepted that she is in love, and wants another live, that does not involve me anymore - however me and her are not quite on the same page here. She believes we are to be friends (down the line, maybe) but the way I was treated, the way she ruined the family, the betrayal. That will take me a long time to heal from and forgive.

I do not make contact anymore, and only see her once a week, when I pick up the kids for gym. She is contacting me on a daily basis, and sends pictures of the kids. I dont respond, although I would lie, if I said I am not glad to receive pictures of my two little angels.

I have a source of intel that I use rarely to make sure nothing ugly is coming my way ( a lot has, so I am precautious here). And her actions does not align with her words - let me elaborate on that.

Basically we are getting money refunded from chiropractor sessions for S1, however these money are refunded to my ex's account through insurance. I told her the other day, that when the money are refunded, they need to be transferred into the mutual account (house expenses) - I said, that I am sure she would do that on her own, but I just wanted to say it, in case she forgot about them. She took it fine, and said she would of course. A couple of days ago she got an offer for an apartment, that was very close to her new boyfriend, and as the house has not yet sold, I made use of my aforementioned intel source, so that I am not suddenly stuck with the house payments because she accepts an offer, and just leaves her old life behind. I am sure, that thought is valid given her actions in the period from start till now.

She didn't accept the offer, however there was a notification telling that 150 usd would be deposited from the insurance (chiropractor), that was 4 days ago, and that money still hasn't been transferred, and most likely won't be. So, if I do confront this, she will know that I have a source of intel, that I am not really that keen on giving up, since it gives me the upper hand on things until the house sells. So what is my choice then? basically I just know now, that she is lying, manipulating and can't be trusted. On the outside she really seems to want things to work, and on the inside, its all about her. I had hoped that the co-parenting arrangement could be one of trust, but that is not in the cards.

She sent me a text earlier this week, asking if we could do some more marketing for the house, because D5 had mentioned many times now, that she couldn't wait to be living in the city, so what the plans were?

I felt utterly disgusted by the fact that she made this look like its for the kids sake and just answered "This is your project, you have the number for the real estate broker." <-- Didn't receive any reply.

So, to sum things up:

I am in a good spot, at last, and seeing how easily my former love decided to unhinge herself from me, and latch on to a new person was the most devastating thing ever, but also what in the end made me realize, that this is game over. She has moved on, and so will I and my kids.

I dont know what the future will bring. I know that the person I loved dearly for 13 years, is in love, and she is happy with this new guy. The way they went about getting together was horrible, but I live in the present, and the past is the past. They will live with their choices, and the effects they have caused - I will move on to greater things. I hope she finds her happiness, and I fear that she will come running back if she does not, so I am pacing myself in a steady direction 180 degrees the opposite of hers, so I can withstand her, emotional, should she make a turn towards me. I dont want her to right now, and maybe never again. I dont trust her, I dont like her actions, and although she is beautiful, its only a facade.

I am getting my kids today, and I LOOK so much forward to it.

/hurt

[LH19]

H,

Buddy you are spinning again.You are taking steps back! This post is all about her.

She believes we are to be friends (down the line, maybe) but the way I was treated, the way she ruined the family, the betrayal. That will take me a long time to heal from and forgive.

Hurt this is on you. You went to the amusement park and gymnastics together giving her the impression that you were ok being friends. I think you were hoping doing fun family things would change her mind and when you figured out it won't you are now like I don't want to be friends anymore.

I made use of my aforementioned intel source, so that I am not suddenly stuck with the house payments because she accepts an offer, and just leaves her old life behind. I am sure, that thought is valid given her actions in the period from start till now.

Talk to your lawyer and see what your options are if this happens.

I hope she finds her happiness, and I fear that she will come running back if she does not, so I am pacing myself in a steady direction 180 degrees the opposite of hers, so I can withstand her, emotional, should she make a turn towards me.

I think your BSing yourself here Hurt. If not, why would you fear it? After all she has put you through you would love to have a chance to say "thanks but no thanks. I have moved on!

Come on man! Back on the horse and keep moving forward.

[Hurt213]

Aaaaaaaand we are back...

I needed that, and I needed to go hammer 2 hours at the gym, so I did, and then picked up my kids. I got the worlds biggest hug, and am just online now because we are having a pizza party for 3 and im just about to place the order.

Cucumbers and carrots with dipping for later, and then we are gonna play till they drop on the floor.

Tomorrow we hare gonna hit the swimming pool, and the weather is supposed to be great, so I think we will be playing outside afterwards, and then I can get a couple of minor things done to the house so its more presentable sales wise.

Thank you for the 2x4's - I do spin, and I do feel like a tool, when I look at the reasons because, I am SO much better than I ever was, and I deserve SO much more than what I was given in my time of need and now I am on my journey towards that.

Being the best I can be, mentally, physically and as a dad, then the pieces will fall into place in due time.

[neffer]

You wait for no one Hurt. You are your own plan A.
Keep the GAL coming and enjoy your kids.


"Time wait for no one, and it won´t wait for me..."

The movement is forward H, you know that! Go! You have the strength

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

It's been a great day, and I managed to get the stuff done around the house that needed maintenance. Me and the kids had a really great day, and decided to push going swimming for tomorrow, and then we mostly was outside for the entire day, as the weather was b e a u t i f u l !

Kids are nearly a sleep on the couch now after having had dinner (paprika chicken with cream mashed potatoes - they love it!)

I was just making their bedrooms ready for the night (we had an cowboy invasion in d5s room, so there was some cleaning up to do after the "battle") when d5 came with my phone and said I had gotten a message because it said a sound.

So I got two texts from my ex who basically asked how the day had been for us, and if I had taken any pictures I could send to her.

Heres the catch - I from aforementioned intel option, that she is on a date with her new guy, and I can feel I am not detached, because I found that disrespectful to check in like that.

So heres the deal really:

1. She is a good mother, and she is just checking in on the kids, and I guess thats nice to know, that she cares deeply about them, and miss them when they are not around. That was not really the case in the beginning of her new love adventure.

2. She treated me so bad, and disrespected me, used me to her own advantages, lied and manipulated me, and in time I guess #1 applies, and I won't bother about her asking about the kids when she is with the OM, however! I am definitely not there, and found it really really disrespectful, even though she doesnt know that I know where she is.

I didnt, and am not going to respond to her text, unless advised differently by you guys.

Am I bat sh.t crazy or does my logic make sense? It might be me who is unreasonable, but fk I feel like NGS kicking in if I reply to that.

/h

[DejaVu6]

That’s a tough one Hurt. If it were me, I would respond because she asked you a question about the kids. I would keep it short. “Yes, good day” and “no pictures” and leave it at that. Not responding to a direct question, IMO, is passive aggressive. Yes she did all those things and the check in is only disrespectful because you know what she is doing. If you didn’t have a spy, you wouldn’t. Honestly...she is going to do what she is going to do and you can’t control that. You can control the flow of info that is only going to fuel your hurt and anger in the end and keep you tied to her emotionally. If you are committed to keeping things amicable when it comes to coparenting your children, I would try to limit the amount of intel you are privy to and focus on you GAL activities and spending quality time with your kids. Others may have different advice, IDK, but that is how I see things.

[LH19]

H,

I think a lot of the problem is you are confusing your ex. One minute you want to feed her cake and play happy family with her and the next minute you are ignoring her texts.

You have to decide where you stand. You are obviously not detached because you spin almost daily now. The best way to detach is time, space and stop the Intel BS. Kids finances short answers. She will get the hint eventually.

The longer you try to play happy family the longer it will take you to detach and you will suffer.

[FlySolo]

Hurt - Probably too late now, but I agree with DV.

I would have responded along the lines of "Kids had a good day. All tucked up now" and leave it at that. Short and to the point with no opportunity for continuing the text chain.

Your W might have been a rubbish mum. She might have torched your past and did (is doing) some unspeakable things but she is still their mother. If she takes the time to ask about them, then as hard as it is to do then you should send something back. It is not your job to build bridges between her and your children. But it is your job, as a father to at least support her if she wants to have a relationship with the children.

My H is away with the children on holidays at the moment in Mauritius. It hurts like hell. This is somewhere we go in Feb every two years or so. Each day they have been away he has sent me pictures of the children swimming, paragliding, eating etc. He is never in the pictures and there is never a lot of commentary. Just short facts: "D12 enjoying the pool", "view from the room" etc. I never respond to these texts other than to say thanks. At night he sends me a short text saying they are back in the room if I want to call. He never speaks to me during these nightly calls but I can hear him in the background reminding them of things they did that day so they can tell me. This is not cake eating. He can be a [censored] of a H, but he is a good father.

Don't encourage but don't discourage. This is the high road. It is tough because it requires you to put your own feelings to the side.

PS - this doesn't mean I in anyway think you should be having family days out or meals together. If your emotions are still tied to her emotions, then minimize the time you spend together. I just think that texts about the kids get responses.

[Hurt213]

Thanks for the input and advice. Its really nice to get some outside perspective on things.

Basically I have been spinning the last couple of days, and I don't really know why, but I feel alright again, and have had a great weekend with the kids.

I have told my self throughout all of this, that the kids are the most important, and I am neglecting this, with petty behavior such as ignoring requests related to the kids, so that just stops now - not because I want something in return, but because she is indeed their mother.

I responded before the feedback with "S2 and D5 are sleeping. They had a great day."

I see how my access to "intel" actually keeps me attached, and I am just not gonna go there anymore.

So, kids are ready for bed, im watching a movie tonight, then early bed. Workout tomorrow and then a hectic week at work but I get to come home every day and enjoy my afternoon and evening with the kids, so its gonna be a wonderful weekend.

Thanks again for the 2x4s and the advice, I need to be consistent, because I am absolutely leading her on to believing that things are jolly, and then I ignore her because of my covert contracts - 180 on that beginning today.

Have a great evening.

[DejaVu6]

Hurt... I think you are spinning because you know too much about what she is doing so it is a good thing that you are going to curtail the access to info. Enjoy the movie. Tomorrow is another opportunity to get back to DBing. Make this a great week with your kids!!! (((HUGS)))

[Hurt213]

Quick update.


Hi awesome community.

So quick update here from the couch before I head out for a pint with my mates.

I decided to call total quits on intel of any sort, and this has been tremendously helpful mentally. I really struggled the first day, but just told myself what a bad habit I had developed, and it was like an addiction really if I struggled to not do it, so I ended my addiction, and wow.

I am happy right now - my sister is here to take the kids for the evening, and I just have a lot of good energy flowing right now (not that I am spiritual in any way - but I feel good).

Just wanted to check in.

Taking life one day at a time, step by step, and I am liking my path.

Have a great night

[SoTorn]

Thats good. Its great for your emotional well being. I know my WW is still screwing OM. I just dont care anymore. Helped me drop the rope tremendously.

[Hurt213]

Hi forum.

So I stumbled upon a line today, that really made me think, holy cow, this makes sense. It doesnt apply to all of the sitches, but for some of us, it clarifies some patterns we engage in our minds when we are crosschecked by the marriage breakers aka ww's.

I dont recall it word by word and unfortunately I don't recall the webpage from where I stumbled upon it, but it goes something like this..

"When my kids were younger, and their rooms were a big mess, I would ask them to clean up their clothes and toys - most of the time, they wouldn't acknowledge my request, and just left it be. I took the approach of taking one of their old toys from their toys shelf, typically a piece that they hadn't played with in years (a mcdonalds happy meals toy for example), something they know they have, but disregarded completely. Then I would take said toy, and I would let them know that it was going in the trash, since I was now cleaning up their mess. The thing was, that every time this happened, my kids would have big protests, and would declare that I was mean for having thrown that toy away, because it was the best toy in the world and by far their favorite toy".

When I read the above, I just figured - wow... well, that applies for me really, and it has A L O T to do with attachment.

I had my wife, I had my life, I got complacent, and she was my toy on the shelf. I am proud of who I am TODAY, not who I was, so I have no problems admitting, that she was my toy on the shelf, that was not "played" with, the way she deserved - and funny enough, when she left, then she was my favorite toy all of a sudden, the toy I couldn't live without, but at the same time, the toy that wasn't the new toy on the self a month prior to her saying "its not working anymore".

Does this mean I think im 100% to blame? absolutely not
Does it mean it justifies her cheating on me and using me? absolutely not.

Does this mean I am reflecting on myself and my past relationship in order to grow and be better aka finding my 180s? absolutely!

Does this mean I realize, that I made her fill up my every thought and made her the "toy" that I didn't need, until it was trashed, and then I couldn't play with any other toys? absolutely - and I am wiser now. Life will be great.

Take it for what it is - it made a lot sense for me, especially regarding being attached and why that might be that we feel so attached and unable to do anything right after the announcement, when in all honesty, we were perfectly able to when we had our wives /husbands on the "toy shelve".

[lusa]

That really resonates with me Hurt, thanks for sharing

[LH19]

H,

Every single one of us on this board could have been a better partner. It still blows my mind that out of all the useless courses they have in school/college that don't have anything to teach you how to be a better partner. Accept that you could have been better, learn from it and let it go.

What I think you should focus on with your ex is gaining respect from her. One thing that has always been obvious in your sitch is that she doesn't respect you. Once you can obtain respect, things will slowly change in the dynamic of your relationship.

Forward no more backwards.

[Hurt213]

LH,

You are absolutely right,

She has zero respect for me, whatsoever. As long as I dont interfere with her big plan she is very nice to me, but whenever things are not how she wants them to be, she reveals her true colors and that is a big sign of how little she thinks of me these days - I have seen it on more than one occasion over the past months, so you are absolutely right.

I need to regain respect, but I dont really know where to start, so for now, I am trying to be there for my kids, and find myself again, and then I will have to look into what to do specifically towards her later on.

My energy is devoted to a better me for my kids sake, and for my own as of now.

[LH19]

H,

I don't think there is any question that you are a great father.

Respect starts with how you allow others/her to treat you. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don't allow them to.

I would start with getting back to the basics. No contact unless about kids or finances. Answer only questions with yes or no answers. Then work on how she talks to you.

W: Hurt (with tone to her voice) "your'e doing it wrong"
H: W, please don't talk to me that way
W: what way?
H: in that tone
W: I'm not
H: please don't do it again (walk away)

You have to get over the fear that what you do or do not say will change anything!

[Hurt213]

Hi everybody.

Sitting here at work, and I am having a reflective quite moment for my self, so I realized, that I had not checked in on the forum for a while, so I wanted to update you guys.

I haven't made use of my "intel possibility" once since I said I would stop, and that might sound like I am trying to applaud my self, but honestly, it showed me that I was more attached than I thought, because I felt like an addict, having to control myself to not go and snoop. Present day, I dont have the urge, I just feel done.

Sunday my ex asked me to join her at seasonal celebration where the kids are dressed up, and they go to church. S2 is sick, so she wouldn't be able to attend with D5 if I didn't come, as nobody could help her out. I attended, and we had a good times with the kids. She thanked me after the service and said it had been a big help, and on I went to the golf course with 3 mates.

I dont have any expectations and I dont really have any reactions anymore - I just want my kids to thrive, and thats it. I dont have any emotions in me, that says to wait out for my ex, on the contrary, I am happy with the way my life is headed.

I've come to the conclusion, that I am going to be fine, and so are my kids - I have endured so much pain and so many things were done to me, that was so very wrong and immature. I dont think I can swing back from that, so I have decided to drop the rope completely, and that has really made me find a balance. I have been sorting out all my personal things, and basically now, I am just waiting for the house to sell, everything else is sorted.

I dont hate my ex, because I was partially to blame in this. Of course I was, it takes two to tango. But I will never forget how she did this to me, to our family and how much it completely destroyed me for more than 6 months. That I will never forget.

I will however forgive, and have, moved on, because I need to, because I deserve to. I dont want her back, I actually pitty her, when I look at her. She looks so "used", tired, old, and her "spark" that I loved, is just gone. I hope she finds it for her own sake.

I feel really good about my self as stated, and I want to get that house sold ASAP, so I can start my new life with my kids. My days, when I dont have the kids are PACKED, I am out the door at 6.30 and rarely home before 21.00, and I love it. I have a new found energy that amazes me, and my depression as well as the person I became with it, is a distant memory.

I let go of the rope, and I am falling, but I have a parachute on my back, filled with advice from all you guys, and my life is on a epic track.

Thank you all so much.

I will check in from time to time, when there is something to report, but frankly, I dont have any expectations, that me and my old life, will ever be a thing again, and... That is perfectly fine - I deserve more, and she is out there, waiting for me to cross her path.

You are all awesome, and I can't express my gratitude for what you have all done for me.
I have battled, depression, anxiety, a new me, letting go and so much more, with you all, and thats worth so incredible much. I wouldn't had been this person today without this forum.

[Hurt213]

Checking in..

Hi forum..

Hope all of you are hanging in there, and taking care of you, because you and your kids, if such exists, are all that matters. Be happy that you are alive, and dont waste your time mind reading, sobbing and trying to fix your walk away spouse, its not your job. That is entirely on them.

So accept the gift of life, instead of wasting it being a victim of your own mental prison.

Today I got the kids, and for the next 7 days, I am gonna enjoy life to the fullest, because a smile from one of those two little munchkins, can light up my day like nothing else in this world. And in 7 days, when they go to their mothers, guess what, I am gonna enjoy life, because then I have time for me, time to do what I want to do, and I am embracing that.

Did I ask for this? nope?
Can I change it? nope? life happens
Can I 180 on bad behavioral patterns and be an even better version of my self, a human and a father that I feel proud to turn into? absolutely.
Can I find happiness again? I am beginning to think, that I am actually starting to feel happy, and I dont really need a woman in my life in order to be happy. It will of course be nice to have a partner to share life with and share the ups and the lows, but I am content with the fact, that I am perfectly capable of BEING and LIVING on my own. I dont fear the future, I embrace it, and thats honestly a great feeling.

Have the best weekend possible - And to those of you, who are spinning or riding the rollercoaster on a low, you are in my prayers and my thoughts are with you. Remember the coaster can only go low for so long.... eventually it will seek towards the skies again. Emotions are temporary, logic is the way to go about this. Practice logic, and let emotions pass through you, and then, you will end up being fine. You already are fine, you just have to realize, that fine can exist perfectly well without your WAW/WW in your life.

/H

[Hurt213]

Hi guys.

So basically, Im good, and I am feeling well.

I have dropped the rope (well I've tossed it to be exact).

I have been doing some really good progress with my IC lately, and have acknowledged the fact, that I matter. <-- This might sound like something ordinary, but I have really struggled with my selfesteem, and also with being happy with me as an individual. This has two major components tied to it:

1. My depression really screwed me up when it comes to positive mental attitude, self-esteem and being okay as an individual.

2. The way I was cheated on, lied to and completely disregarded as a human being by my ex, really made me think even less about my self and my capability as an individual..

I am way better today, I am in the shape of my life, me and my kids have new habbits in this new life of ours, and I have very little interaction with my ex.

I am continuing to work with my IC, and will for a long way to come, because, I am better now, however, I still feel like I am on thin ice from time to time, and I feel like I am learning all over to be who I used to be. A happy content, upbeat and social guy, who excelled at sports and loved life. I want to be there again, so I am working hard, although I am taking my time, patience is key for me.

I don't want my ex back because of how I was treated, and because I see a pattern in her actions. A woman that completely disrespected me, and still does from time to time when she doesnt get her way. A woman that put her two small kids needs completely aside, and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I deserve more, and so does my kids.

I dont have a need for such a person on my life, but she is, and I acknowledge the fact that she is the mother of my kids, and I will co-parent with her for many years to come, however that is it.

I will demand respect, by that I mean, I will speak up if she talks down to me, or treats me with any form of disrespect. She is no longer my spouse, and I have no intentions of letting her getting away with disrespecting me no more than I would let the clerk in the supermarket disrespect me. I am better than that.


So I have a question:

My D5 is really having a hard time with saying goodbye in daycare these days. She will cry, and hold onto me tight. Its new, and she hasn't done this before, and I can't but help think that it is because she only has one parent at a time.

I blame my ex, because she is making my daughter hurt, and that makes me hurt. I was frustrated this morning in the car because of it. I know, that I am not going to get anywhere by talking with my ex about this, so I comfort my daughter to the best of my ability.

Just for the record, I will NEVER talk their mother down in front of them. She is their world just as much as I am, and our problems are not theirs to deal with nor participate in.

Am I going about this the right way?

[AnotherStander]

Hey Hurt, glad to hear you are doing well!

So I have a question:

My D5 is really having a hard time with saying goodbye in daycare these days. She will cry, and hold onto me tight. Its new, and she hasn't done this before, and I can't but help think that it is because she only has one parent at a time.

This is not at all unusual for someone her age. It happened with both of our D's (different times, but around the same age) even though we were happily married at the time. We talked to a counselor and were advised not to make a big show when leaving them at daycare, just hug them, tell them you love them and will see them later and then leave no matter how dramatic the display they make. What happens 99% of the time is as soon as you are gone the crying stops and they are off doing stuff with their friends. If you linger then you are sending them the message that if they pitch a fit they get to keep you there a little longer, thus making the problem worse. So we did as advised and after a week or two they both stopped with the fits.

I blame my ex, because she is making my daughter hurt, and that makes me hurt. I was frustrated this morning in the car because of it. I know, that I am not going to get anywhere by talking with my ex about this, so I comfort my daughter to the best of my ability.

When things like this come up, don't seek to assign blame, seek solutions. The bottom line is you are assuming it has to do with your breakup when it may just be your D acting like a 5-year-old. If you really think it has to do with the break-up then get D in counseling. Also talk to the daycare, explain the situation and ask them to watch for signs that she may need counseling.

[Hurt213]

AS,

Thanks for the feedback, it was really helpful. I came home late tonight (late day at work and gym afterwards, since its ex'es weekly visit day with the kids, so there was no reason for me to be at home).

I came in and made the kids ready for bed, and then told her that it was alright for her to leave now, since I was about to tug in the kids. I asked her this weekend, if It was possible for me to hit the gym after work on her visit day - however she informed me she had plans, and that was not possible. I managed to squeeze it in, in the timeframe she provided.

It was fine actually, a month ago I would be annoyed about her rejecting to stay an hour longer, however its my time with the kids, so I can't expect that, and I made it work, so thats really great - personal growth .

I have a question, because I dont really feel anything when I look at her, Im just empty, and maybe im overloaded, but I j just get so very tired when she is present. I do however conduct myself with grace. I have no intentions for smalltalk of any sorts, and I go about my business when she is around - she is there to visit the kids, and she has a new life with a new man, and I dont want anything to do with that, and I think she realizes, if not, it doesnt really matter - it is what it is.

So the question: She was packing stuff to take for the rest of the week to wherever she is going, and then she began telling me about the daycare schedule for the rest of the week, and were pacifiers could be found for S2 and all practical stuff. So heres the thing... It really annoyed me and I am not sure if I am reading into it the wrong way. I see two scenarios here:

1. She just wants to be helpful and co-parent to the best of her ability.
2. She dont think I have anything under control and wants to make sure everything is under control.

I guess I reacted a bit, but I stopped her, and told her (no voice raised or anything), just told her, that I had everything covered, and if not, then me and the kids could surely figure it out for ourselves.

She said "eh... okay whatever" with a low pitch, and I dont think I am reading into anything if I say, that she was annoyed by it.

Thoughts? Just to clarify: I dont care if she gets annoyed, pissed or anything with me - that boat has sailed. However, If I am reading into things in the wrong way, and misconduct myself because of it, then I want to learn, so we can co-parent in the best way possible.

I just feel like she is going around in the same circle (telling me what, when and how, just as when we were together), and frankly, I found that to be very invasive.

[IHCLACS]

Hurt213 I think it's their maternal instinct., as a father you can give them all the reason in the world to trust you by your actions and they still won't completely trust you. My WAS on my IHS has been challenging my parental abilities for the last 2 months and most of the last year. I think that one mothers go through separation, and or divorces they redirect their love on to the child what they used to provide to the husband. Some fathers like myself do the same, as I know I've become more affectionate with our son as a result. About five times in the last two weeks I had to put my wife's perspective in check on how I'm handling our son, that's just because it's not her way it doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

My wife is also a teacher and a behavior specialist so she does have a lot of qualified background, but I think she still goes overboard with her "qualifications" basically she gets paid $60,000 a year to offer opinions to people and education plan, for children with behavioral problems in the classroom supporters on the autism spectrum and other issues.

Just this last weekend it was my weekend to have our son. Sometimes our son gets into a phase where he is either looking for attention from one of the adults and he will forcibly show it by turning our chins towards him forcibly with his hands to get us to look at him., or he will throw a tantrum if he cannot find a distraction such as toys nearby that satisfy him so he'll run around the house and keep looking for distractions to satisfy him. Usually the distractions do the trick, tv, toys, parental attention, etc, but when he gets to the point where nothing satisfies him, he throws tantrums. So I did an experiment intuitively. The irony of all this is my wife and I agree that bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded but ignored. My wife is a walking hypocrite of everything in our marital history even parenting, but she doesn't trust my ability to parent from my school of tough love. Ironically, she doesn't practice what she preaches at home. My wife has no issue ignoring his cries when she puts him down to sleep and she says walk out of the room and ignore him and he'll fall asleep and it works. But when I put him in his playpen for a timeout while he's throwing a tantrum I'm the bad guy.

I wanted to ensure that he didn't get to the habit of throwing a tantrum every time he wants something. When he reached that point I put him in his playpen and I let him cry it out, and she objected. my argument is our sun is just starting to come into his emotions and he knows what power he has with them. Her argument is he's just a year-and-a-half he doesn't know what he's doing. which I will agree with to a certain extent I let him cry it out for about 10 minutes until he stopped and then I took them out of the playpen and he was acting just fine after that. then we played together and had a ton of laughs. But apparently I'm the one that's emotionally and socially awkward and inept and emotionally abusive, according to the rewrite of our marital history from the WAS. As long as you are not neglecting your child's needs and meeting all of their needs while also properly and judicially disciplining them raise them your way on your time, and take a stand on it. If the other spouse disagrees come to some type of resolution reasonably otherwise do it your way, because their maternal Instinct and they're hurt from the dissolving marriage they will fight against you no matter what you do.

[Hurt213]

Thank you very much for that insightful post - I am, knowing my ex, going to assume that she is merely trying to co-parent, and thats fine, however I am going to stand firm on the fact, that small day to day stuffs such as groceries and what not, are not things I have a need for her to co-parent on. If I go down that road, we will stay attached in a way in which I have no desire.

One of the things that my IC and I have talked a lot about, is my self worth. The fact that she and OM openly made a plan (I saw the text string on FB), for how to stab me in the back at our MC session, and that had been planned for weeks while they had multiple physical encounters, is the biggest betrayal anyone ever has and probably ever will do to me. Yet I was so low on self-esteem, and so scared of standing on my own, and fighting for my beliefs, that I was ready to let that all slip under a blanket, and continue on my merry way, had she chosen to. <-- Thad would had been a fuchin disaster eventually.

I think, the reason I am struggling with the co-parenting boundaries, are because today I realize, what actually went down. How little it took, for her to drop the rope on her family and 13 years. Having only been back working for 3 months from maternity leave, she began a PA with a coworker. And with my "new" eyes, I simply pity her. I have realized, that my problems were my demons to work with, and I did, however, she has some major issues on her own, and they are hers to fight with, if she ever realises.

I realize, how badly I was treated, discarded and dumped on the street, when I was at my lowest, and needed her love the most. And yes, I know it must have been terrible to be with a partner that is going through depression, but even if that ment we had to part ways, it definitely did not justify the way she went about it.

So struggling comes down to the fact that 1. we co-parent, and we will be good at it, for our kids sakes, no question.
2. I feel like she feels justified with her decisions, and she is perfectly in her right to do so (can't change another person), however I see it differently, and I dont want to come off rude (again f*** her feelings really, but I dont want to harm our co-parenting relationship for the kids sake), however I need some advice on some good boundaries / sentences that will allow me to make it perfectly clear, that 1. we are in this for the best of our kids, so they can have a great life with good rolemodels. 2. Thats all I want from you, and other than that, I really have no wish for you being in my life, the way you treated me.

I hope it makes sense.

D5 cried again today in daycare, and I took the advice of leaving, and stood in the hallway, and she stopped within a minute, so that was really helpful, even though I am a soft dad, cause it stung handing her over when she was so upset.

[IHCLACS]

Hurt213. You are a good father. Everything you are doing reflects on such. I know it stings really bad to see daughter upset, all in the midst of feeling betrayed, and dealing with your own self worth and maintain your emotions of the situation around the kids. This is just my opinion, and even though i don't know you personally, I can relate in a sense. What you are doing to get through this right now is phenomenal. You are worth something as a man, you are moving forward with morals, values, and principles to be the best father you can be. You are protecting your children. To find an amicable solution on how to co parent, and maintain the moral high ground. Regardless of another person's betrayal, and issues. As far as maintaining boundaries with co parenting, for someone like myself who talks too much. I'm starting to realise silence is golden from what everyone is teaching me here, and less is more.

Try expressing your intentions to the WW on the sake of the kids, and leave it at that. If the WW crosses one of your moral boundaries, whether it pertains to you or your children, address it immediately. If you cannot address it immediately, write it down and plan a response for any future offence, and what the consequences will be if it occurs again, and be prepared to follow through with it. There really is no reason to add lib to a WW of your feelings of how she has treated you, and that you want nothing to do with her. It wouldnt have any impact other than to temporarily help you vent. If she gave two $h!ts about your feelings, she obviously wouldn't have commited these acts in the first place. It is up to you now, and your responsibility to deal with those feelings of betrayal and work through them and try to heal., what I'm trying to say in short is less is more.

[neffer]

Sure it makes sense Hurt. Your last post is a fair summary of your sitch. It´s good to see what you´ve achieved for the time being. You are moving forward man, working on yourself. W needs to do her own work when/if she wants. But you can´t be waiting for that.

You are there for your kids H, be proud of that. Be the healthy parent.

Keep strong there man, keep DB.

(((H)))

[LH19]

I think, the reason I am struggling with the co-parenting boundaries, are because today I realize, what actually went down. How little it took, for her to drop the rope on her family and 13 years. Having only been back working for 3 months from maternity leave, she began a PA with a coworker. And with my "new" eyes, I simply pity her. I have realized, that my problems were my demons to work with, and I did, however, she has some major issues on her own, and they are hers to fight with, if she ever realises.

I realize, how badly I was treated, discarded and dumped on the street, when I was at my lowest, and needed her love the most. And yes, I know it must have been terrible to be with a partner that is going through depression, but even if that ment we had to part ways, it definitely did not justify the way she went about it.

Hurt you didn't realize this today, you have posted this several times and you just keep spinning this over and over. You went through a rough point in your life and when times got tough she bailed on you. Could you have been a better spouse, absolutely, we all could have been a better spouse. Forgive yourself and move forward.

2. I feel like she feels justified with her decisions, and she is perfectly in her right to do so (can't change another person), however I see it differently, and I dont want to come off rude (again f*** her feelings really, but I dont want to harm our co-parenting relationship for the kids sake), however I need some advice on some good boundaries / sentences that will allow me to make it perfectly clear, that 1. we are in this for the best of our kids, so they can have a great life with good rolemodels. 2. Thats all I want from you, and other than that, I really have no wish for you being in my life, the way you treated me.

The problem is you are still afraid to hurt her feeling or make her mad. Again, you caused this by going to the amusement park together. One minute you act like its ok to be a family and then when you realize it's not changing anything, you get pi$$ed off and ask how you can make it clear that we are not a family anymore?

Before I answer your question, how is she trying to be in your life other then co-parenting? Give some specifics?

In general it is pretty easy to co-parent. You discuss kids and the logistics of the kids. Say hi when you see her and bye when she leaves. Say thank you when appropriate. Be cordial when in the same room together. That's about it.

Hurt you keep taking one step forward and then two steps back.

[FlySolo]

Hurt

To a large extent it is normal for kids that age to have separation anxiety when you leave them at daycare. Both my kids use to cry when I left them at nursery and both would jump on my when I walked through the door at night - in fact, coming home was my favorite time of the day for just that very reason. But you are right, kids know when things are not right at home, no matter how hard we try and maintain civility and it is our job to try and minimize that change and make sure they feel loved and safe. Give them love and try and maintain a routine which includes taking them to childcare, giving them a hug, telling them you love them and will be back for them, and then leaving.

Your W isn't trying to tell you how to be a parent. She just doesn't want to leave them. So she fusses. She wants to make sure she is still needed. This isn't about you or about you and her, it is about her role as a mother. Do you know those scenes in movies when the parents take their kids to college for the first time and the mom starts to fuss and ask questions like "Do you have X?" or "Did you bring Y?". It's not about not trusting you with the kids. It's about not wanting to let them go.

I know it hurts because you see her wanting to be a mum when she was (is) such a terrible wife and all you can think about is the damage she's done but honestly, this is not about you. Show her you are not only a good dad, but also a good man. When she offers advice, thank her and say "It's ok, I really do have this".

By the way, I like the IHCLACs take on why some parents suddenly double up on being a parent after a separation. I had never really thought of it like that. I saw my H taking his love away from me and at the same time, doubling up on his love for the children and even our dog. I wasn't jealous exactly - it's our kids and our dog, but it still hurt. The love doesn't just up and leave. It just needed somewhere to go.

[Hurt213]

Thanks for your views and inputs.

I tugged in the kids after a nice afternoon with cuddling on the couch and playing cowboys and aliens . Now I am half way through watching, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and I just want to say, what the f... that is some relatable hollywood stuff going on. Its actually pretty therapeutical to watch.

Have a good night.

[Hurt213]

So just journaling a bit.

So basically, I think LH19 hit the head on the nail, and thats a nice 2x4, so thank you very much.

I do indeed think you are right, and I brought it up in IC this morning. The fact that I am in a good spot, but my achilles heal seems to be that im having a difficult time with cutting the cord completely (trying to do family things etc. which in fact was not encouraged by IC either, for now).

It basically comes down to a covert contract. I apparently grow expectations when we do these things, and as long things are so "fresh", I will keep making these contracts, and when they are not fulfilled, I want to completely have her out of my life. Its an endless cycle, and the only reason to break it, is to allow myself some time for me and my kids and not make her a priority at all (I know basic stuff, but apparently hard to see inwards.)

I am doing very well with detaching in all other areas though, and I dont find where this is going anymore - I just get really worked up, when my covert contracts are breached, and I need to stop being in the environment, where these contracts can become a reality - thats my task for now.

I will go about this, with a mindset that says, be cordial, be respectful, be strong, be yourself, and dont let hatred and resentment build a foundation within me. In time everything will be better, and for now and forever, my kids are the most important.

Ex asked if it was okay for her to make contact to a few new brokers, as she wants to move on with her OM, and me and her having the house together is slowing down the separating lives process.

I answered: "That is fine." And it really is. I can't help but feel a bit in limbo as well with these 7 days in old life and 7 days away from the house. I want a new place, where I can make a fresh start for me and the kids. <-- makes sense?

/H

[ballast]

Hurt...

Yep, it does make sense. I'm doing the 7 daddy days on and then 7 days off. I wouldn't say it's limbo, but for sure like leading two separate lives. Totally get the new place, fresh start with kids AND there's great hope in knowing that will be coming. You just have to keep making it through and you are.

As far as your WW you said it best yourself: I will go about this, with a mindset that says, be cordial, be respectful, be strong, be yourself, and dont let hatred and resentment build a foundation within me. In time everything will be better, and for now and forever, my kids are the most important.

THAT ^^^^ is the ONLY contract you need to make with yourself. Just let her go man. Too much good stuff waiting for you on the other side. Keep going forward for you and your kids. That is all you've got to do.

-B

[Ginger1]

As much as I dislike your ex, your reaction was defensive and I don’t think she is trying to tell you have to parent. I agree with fly solo. She’s leaving her kids and she is feeling anxiety and wants to straighten everything out in her head. Also, it’s coparwbting a conversation you probably would have had if you were together. Sure, it’s “her fault” she will be away from the kids, but she still has that mom thing going on where she isn’t with her kids, even if it’s with the dad, who can handle it.

She still affects you greatly. She can see it too. I know how hard it is. You just need to be less reactionary.

[Hurt213]

I realize that in hindsight, and I have learned from that experience, thanks for the input .

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit.

Hi everyone.

So things are going alright for me. I've been researching a lot lately on life as a single dad, and what to be cautious about. It has been really good for me, because I take it as a sign, that I have embraced my near future, and I am now setting my self up in a good position to move forward.

My ex has been handling all contact with the real estate brokers, and I just asked to be cc'ed on the correspondence. She has taken action, and is pulling the entire load of getting the house sold, which at this point is fine. I am not doing the work, however I am absolutely not standing in her way.

So in 14 days the new real estate broker is making a new marketing push for the house, and will bring new photographers etc. Thats all fine.

In 4 weeks we have easter holiday, and we have decided to inform our daughter of the fact that mommy and daddy will not live together anymore, but she gets to have two rooms, and that we love her very much. At the beginning of this, I was very adamant on the fact that she should know, that "mommy doesnt love daddy any more and this is all moms fault". That was childish, and that was pushing our problems onto our children. I am luckily that much wiser and more healed today. My ex knows what she did, and she will live with that knowledge to her dying day. Thats enough for me. My kids are not going to be apart of that. If they want to know as grown ups, then thats another talk, but that is many years into the future.

Our youngest son is only just turned two, and doesnt understand, so there is no real sense in including him in the talk.

Friday I dropped off the kids, and went to the gym. after the gym I went out for dinner with some friends. Saturday I played a round of golf with a female friend of mine (just a friend - but also a recent divorcee, although 1 year ahead of me, so she and I talked a bit about how her life is great today, and what I have coming - that was nice to hear).

Today I am going to visit my mom and dad, and we are driving to the ocean to go for a long walk and just get some nice air and some quality time.

I feel sad from time to time, that this happened, and it still is sometimes unreal to me. But I am moving forward, because it is what I need to have a good life for me and my kids.

I will never sit down and accept the OM in my ex's life, because he took part in destroying my family, and did it knowing, that there were two little children involved. I can't respect a person with those morals, even though he might be a person who gets to be around my kids. Thats not happening. However I do wish that she finds the happiness that she is searching for, and should that be with a new man, then I will sit down, and talk with him. I am at that point, where the past is the past, and I need to find a woman that RESPECTS me, and at the same time, a woman that I can TRUST.

Those two highlighted words, are qualities, that I hold dear, and I am not sure, that I am up for the challenge of trying to regain those with my ex, should she come pleading for me, because frankly, too much has been done and said I think.

/hurt

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So checking in and just writing down what goes through my head.

It has been a busy couple of days since last entry to my blog. I am putting in a lot of work in my "off weeks", so I can leave my work little earlier in my "on weeks" with the kids.. So it can be a bit draining, but the reward in my "on weeks" more than make up for it.

For those of you who have followed my sitch, you know that I was diagnosed with a (dont know the term) "life time diagnose" for imflammatory intestine disease "Chrohns" years back. And that eventually led to my depression because a lot of my life time goals that I was no longer able to aim for (police academy or continue working in the army). This in the end most likely led to the downfall of my relationship and 8 months ago, I reached out, and finally allowed someone to get close and help me (IC), and ever since, I have been so much better.

This has translated into my Chrohns having basically left my body, and I have had no outbreaks or numbers indicating that I am sick since june 17.

I am fit, I weigh more than I have ever done (having been skinny but fit my whole life, this is a huge confidence boost to me, that I am now in a REAL good shape).

I am mentally in a good spot, and am getting attention from females on a daily basis, which is also very very good for my confidence, however I am a bit shy. I am making my self go out and talk to at least 3 strangers every day right now, to just get over my self really... Its working .

So I was at my checkup on the hospital on monday, and the chief doc cleared me, which means, that I am able to apply for the Police academy, because my disease is basically none existent at this point in time. I am so grateful, and will be applying summer 2020 so I can work on my self. Physically I am more than capable, but I want to make sure, that I have had the time to completely work through recent events, so that it won't affect me when I apply.

Other than that, everything is good, I believe. I went to visit my kids yesterday, and they are coping fine with this new arrangement. New real estate brokers are in place. However they needed some money here and now for new pictures and papers. They provided the option to wait to pay until the house sells, and then we could pay an additional 450 dollars for that service. My ex wrote and asked me if I had seen the messages from the broker (She cc me on the correspondance), and then said she didn't have that sort of money, if she was also to, quote: "feed OUR kids". I dont want to come off as condescending or mean, but I simply wrote: "I can understand that it must be frustrating, however I am not going to pay 450 dollars just to stall the payment. I know it must be frustrating, but I am sure you will figure something out." <-- The response was, that "You are right, this is not your problem to deal with of course, thank you".

Other than that, the communication between me and ex is good. We are cordial, relaxed and the air is not "heavy" with resentment. I focus on my kids, because other than the house, thats basically all there is left. She has begun to ask me a lot a bout what I do in my sparetime, and if I have to be somewhere specific after visiting them etc. Examples: Yesterday when I left, she wanted to know, if I was going somewhere since I was dressed real nice and looked good. and yesterday we were on the phone making plans for easter holidays (who gets the kids when, and I have plans with some mates for some of the days, and she wanted to know where and with who I was going) <-- I just answer with "yes I do have plans", because frankly, its not something she needs to know of anymore. I think, she really wants me to meet someone new, because that will make this a whole lot easier on her. However her motives and thoughts are really something I need to stay out of and have struggled with, so I am leaving it with that.


Have a good day.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So today my afternoon meeting was cancelled, and I was able to leave early (whole week has been late so that was nice). I treated myself to a haircut, a new shirt and a pair of new shoes for the spring season around the corner.

I felt confident and good looking, when I walked down the shopping street, and was actually a bit "full of my self, lol". I was walking while looking in the shop glass facades, and was pleased with myself, it felt really good. I went past a jewelers store, where two really good looking shop assistants were arranging jewelry in the windows. My eyes connected with one of them, and she smiled and looked down as if she was shy, and then she looked at me again - guess im going jewelry shopping soon (:D).

Other than that, im looking forward to going to work tomorrow - I have no meetings, so I am able to get a gym session in before picking up my kids in daycare - really miss them, so I am glad its switching day tomorrow. I have some good things planned for us for the weekend, but unfortunately d5 apparently fell and bumped her knee two days in a row (ex texted me a picture tonight, asking for advice on how to treat it) <-- 2x4 me for not letting her figure it out herself, but I dont really care anymore - so I helped her out for d5s sake and that was it.

Golf season is about to begin, and I have a lot of tournaments to play in the coming months, so I am stoked about that swell. Had a meeting with the real estate broker today, he figures the house will be sold in less than 3 months, which will put the last nail in this limbo coffin of ours. From there I can finally begin my new life in my own apartment - that will be a day of celebration.

Have a good weekend, I love you all in that very platonic loving way that you can love strangers you don't know, but strangers that truly have made an enormous impact on a situation so very unreal, that most people will never understand, because they have not lived it.

Thanks!

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So picked up my kids today, and the pedagogue pulled me aside to inform me, that my daughter is reacting to the split of me and her mother, and they are cutting her some "slack" because her temper is very loose, and she is sad. So definitely something we are very aware of.

I came home with two tired kids who were ready to kickstart the weekend, however the house was dirty, clothes everywhere and dirty dishes all over the kitchen. I am going to tell my ex firm but in a relaxed and "cool" way, that the time I use to clean up the house every friday is time I dont get to have with the kids. I leave a clean house on switching days, and I expect the same to some degree.

She can ignore my request if she decides to, but I feel like, it is a indicator of the lack of respect she has for me, that makes it okay, to leave the house like this. I can't set a boundary, because I can't enforce anything if she chooses to bite me off, so I can do nothing but state that I do not find it to be acceptable. If we were talking a friday once in a while where the kids had acted up, then whatever, but it has been constantly for the past 1.5 months..

Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

d5 apparently fell and bumped her knee two days in a row (ex texted me a picture tonight, asking for advice on how to treat it) <-- 2x4 me for not letting her figure it out herself

No that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. I think a lot of people misunderstand this, you're really just trying to avoid pursuit behavior. IE, finding excuses to text her. There's no reason not to exchange messages about the kids.

I came home with two tired kids who were ready to kickstart the weekend, however the house was dirty, clothes everywhere and dirty dishes all over the kitchen. I am going to tell my ex firm but in a relaxed and "cool" way, that the time I use to clean up the house every friday is time I dont get to have with the kids. I leave a clean house on switching days, and I expect the same to some degree.

Perfectly reasonable request.

She can ignore my request if she decides to, but I feel like, it is a indicator of the lack of respect she has for me, that makes it okay, to leave the house like this.

You are 100% correct, it is EXTREMELY disrespectful.

I can't set a boundary, because I can't enforce anything if she chooses to bite me off, so I can do nothing but state that I do not find it to be acceptable.

Well, you could tell her that you are going to terminate the nesting arrangement if she doesn't start cleaning up before handovers. Or you could tell her that if you must spend time cleaning up her messes then you will start leaving an equivalent mess for her to clean up at the end of your week. That may sound harsh but you're no longer together as husband and wife and you've got to be as firm with her as you would be with a tenant you're sharing a space with. It's either this or grin and bear it.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So my ex was here to visit the kids yesterday, and I had the opportunity to tell her about the situation with D5. She is just as concerned as I, and we are definitely at the place, where I don't really care about us, and she hasn't for a while, so its easy to convey that energy I used to pool into resenting her decisions, and let it work towards as great a co-parenting scenario as possible without being disrespected or taken for granted, which I am no longer tolerating.

I also informed her, that I would appreciate it, if she left the house cleaned up and decent on switching days, as it took my very sparse weekend time with the kids away, if I was to use 1-2 hours every friday cleaning after her week.

She showed clearly, how she has no respect for me, and that the resentment is just under her smiling surface, how did I get to that conclusion you might ask? Well my interpretation of her just rolling her eyes, looking at me like, who are you to tell me anything? attitude, was beaming from her.

She then proceeded to tell me, how she always cleaned the house, and at least she didn't leave service in the wash etc . <--- I actually think, that she believes this to be true. Oh well, I can't wait for her to get her own place and my as well. That will make this a lot easier since we apparently have evolved very different standards of keeping house since she left me. I can't but think, that she most likely puts more energy in cleaning OMs house than her kids, but I can't use that thought for anything, so not going there.

I am really not interested in this mess anymore, so I said: "I can understand if you are annoyed by service left behind by me, and I will do my best to not let this happen again - However, duvets in the living room couch, filthy floors, toothbrushes on the floors (wtf?), service in the wash (she never does according to her, so I pointed out that the washing machine was filled with clean service, so she just filled the wash with the dirty service, she then thought about it, and realized that she did that), food stained cabinets and surfaces all over the kitchen and I could continue, was not okay. I did my best to ensure, that she and the kids have a clean house to come home to on fridays, so that they have time to just be together after a weeks absence, and I would appreciate it if she would consider taking care of the house so me and the kids can have the same quality time. Then I left it at that - didn't want to get into a fight or anything, not worth my energy, so I left the room before she could engage.

She spent the rest of the afternoon in the house, and didn't mention it, so it was fine.

Just wanted to follow up on that, and I felt empowered afterwards, admitted.

Me and the kids are going for a walk in the forest with some friends, so have a good afternoon .

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So I am finding myself spending less time on here than I used to, and I guess life is just happening, so I take that as a good sign.

Whats new for me: House is being relisted with new pictures and a new strategy later this month. My kids are reacting to the circumstances right now, and they seem very upset and fragile. I wrote to my ex, and told her that I noticed this behavior, and that I was going to give d5 some slack, and pay extra attention to her emotional needs, and that she definitely was more clingy than ever. My ex was glad I did, and promised to do the same, and ended the text by saying sorry. I guess she ment that the kids being this way was because of the situation she had caused, and most likely wanted me to tell her, that it wasn't her fault. I didn't reply to that whatsoever.

So other than that, my life is good. I won't lie, my ex still has more space in my mind than I want her to have, however thats not something I control. I do control however what I do, when these thoughts come, and I am honestly not letting them control myself and my life anymore, which is great. I am spending a lot of time GAL, golfing with friends, going out to eat, gym, concerts and I am happy.

I do however struggle with some genuine hatred for my ex in one situation. I can talk to my d5, and explain to her, that daddy is leaving now, and will be back soon. She understands. My little man, thats another story. He gets so upset when me or his mother leaves, and cries uncontrollably. Its so sad - last switching day, he ran after me with his arms out, and screamed "dadaaa". My heart just ripped from my chest. We have tried diverting his attention, but he is so very attentive to where we are at the moment, so its impossible. I can honestly say here, because I won't tell her ever - but I HATE her for doing this to my children. I really do. There it is, I needed to get that out.

/h

[Wanted1]

Journaling:

So I am finding myself spending less time on here than I used to, and I guess life is just happening, so I take that as a good sign.

Whats new for me: House is being relisted with new pictures and a new strategy later this month. My kids are reacting to the circumstances right now, and they seem very upset and fragile. I wrote to my ex, and told her that I noticed this behavior, and that I was going to give d5 some slack, and pay extra attention to her emotional needs, and that she definitely was more clingy than ever. My ex was glad I did, and promised to do the same, and ended the text by saying sorry. I guess she ment that the kids being this way was because of the situation she had caused, and most likely wanted me to tell her, that it wasn't her fault. I didn't reply to that whatsoever.

So other than that, my life is good. I won't lie, my ex still has more space in my mind than I want her to have, however thats not something I control. I do control however what I do, when these thoughts come, and I am honestly not letting them control myself and my life anymore, which is great. I am spending a lot of time GAL, golfing with friends, going out to eat, gym, concerts and I am happy.

I do however struggle with some genuine hatred for my ex in one situation. I can talk to my d5, and explain to her, that daddy is leaving now, and will be back soon. She understands. My little man, thats another story. He gets so upset when me or his mother leaves, and cries uncontrollably. Its so sad - last switching day, he ran after me with his arms out, and screamed "dadaaa". My heart just ripped from my chest. We have tried diverting his attention, but he is so very attentive to where we are at the moment, so its impossible. I can honestly say here, because I won't tell her ever - but I HATE her for doing this to my children. I really do. There it is, I needed to get that out.

/h

Hurt, I'm with you on the animosity you feel toward your ExW for what she has done to your family. I feel the exact same way at times. I try my hardest to force those thoughts and feelings out whenever they rise to the surface, which is every now and then. I truly feel so much pain and sorrow for my kids that they have to endure the life of having 2 households and divorced parents. The thought of it is sickening. It would be so much easier to manage and deal with without having kids involved. But, I try to love them as much as possible in my time with them. That's all I can do. Surprisingly, they are handling it all incredibly well. It's almost scary oh well they are thus far. On the flip side, that's so much better than the alternative. Hang in there!

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

So came home one day earlier to take the kids since ex is going on a ski trip with her new guy. I am happy to get to have my kids for more time, so I gladly accepted when she asked if it could be possible. I actually couldn't help but laugh when I hung up the phone. She has never ever, not once, expressed a desire for going skiing in our 12 years together. Neither has sports been of any interest to her. Now she is an avid fan of his favorite sports, and apparently skiing is her thing. I find it kind amusing, and just hope, she does not break anything lol!

Other than that, im happy, kids seem alright although they are stressed about the situation it seems, and it shows from time to time. I have worked a lot of overtime, so im calling early weekend, and tomorrow me and the kids are just going to have a daddy day, where we take things in our tempo and just do what they want to.

Other than that the golf season just begun, and I played my first tournament on sunday and placed second, which was really great. So a lot of upcoming tournaments for me, which will definitely get me out there, socializing with people, and my tournament schedule for the coming season looks a lot different than previously because I have a lot of time on my hands when I dont have the kids, and I am done victimizing myself - I can't change the situation, but I can make it as good as possible within the frame that has been put over my head. I choose to do so.

Just a little from my mind

[neffer]

Glad to hear you are that detached and being there for the kids. Enjoy that time, it´s priceless.
Keep the GAL coming. Keep shining there Hurt!

Stay strong!

[Hurt213]

Journaling..

So, guess its time to put a little effort into my own situation. I try to check in once in a while, but contrary to months ago, I don't really have a need to talk about myself - I am actually just looking to see, if there are any questions that I feel like I have the knowledge to respond to these days - which is really odd, and I can't explain this, but I guess it must be me having dropped the rope and detached.

So In this state of mind, do I still think about my ex? from time to time, and I probably always will, however, I don't really linger with these thoughts anymore - she is and always will be a constant in my life, because of our children - and I accepted that we are bound to go down a mutual path because of that, which then made me realize, that detaching is not about forgetting and pushing away - detaching, at least for me, is accepting the state of life that I can have, is not based on any outside influence, but it comes from within - and I am in a great place right now.

We sat down this week, with our d5, and told her, that mommy and daddy are going to move in two different houses, and that we are no longer in love but really good friends - She has been living in this arrangement of 7/7 schedule for 5 months, so its not really something new for her, and she didn't react. S2 Wont remember so he just played with his firetruck. Ex has a lot of divorced girlfriends, and regularly have had playdates with them and their children, so D5 also know how these arrangements works from there.

When we were done talking, we all headed to the swimming pool and afterwards had a bite together - We had decided to spend the day together, in case D5 had any questions or became upset - nothing of that sort happened - and most likely wont until the house is sold and everything becomes real.

House should be sold within the next 40 days, there is a lot of activity which is great - I am really looking forward to getting my own place, and my own routines with the kids.

I still work out 5 times a week, and have really upped my social game. Getting a lot of female attention, but I don't feel ready to dive in - for now, I am just enjoying me and my kids, and the fact that a long and hard journey is about to be over. Then some point down the road on my new adventure, I will be ready to invite a traveller onboard my ship .

Ex is still together with the OM she left for and has been for 9 months, so I am pretty sure that they are serious, so good for them. I hope she considers not introducing my kids to soon, so they have time to adjust, however I doubt it, since she used my netflix account (yea I changed the password, but she logged in via the kids account), to see a show about a blended family and the struggles that comes with that - I know, I can't interfere, shouldn't, and have no saying. However it is a valid concern of mine, and I am just being honest with you guys - its really my only concern now.

Is reconciliation on the table? She is the mother of my children, and that is the only reason why I am not stating a plain no. I feel empowered by the way I have taken my life into my own hands. I am good looking, I have taken control of my life, I have taken control of my struggles (gym, being social, getting life back on track) and I have accomplished all these things, and I feel so good. When I look at my ex (yesterday), she looks so tired, used and just has an aura of depression around her. Her hair used to be golden, her skin silky smooth, and now, her hair is grayish, her skin is so filled with stress acne, that she is on heavy medication that requires her to take monthly blood samples at the hospital, and her body posture is really bad, she is nearly collapsed.

I am not attracted to the woman I described above, even though we share so much history. I actually said to myself the other day, that "xxxxx as I knew her, died august 2018, I dont know the woman I am looking at" - and I am just at a place in time, where I believe that to be true.

She says she has found herself, and that she is now mature and finally living life as she wants too - I say good for her, and I hope she will become happy, but if that is who she wants to be, then she is no longer a person I can see my self spending my life with.

Finally in regards to reconciliation - I set a boundary for myself, which was, that when my kids were informed about us splitting, then there would be no possibility of recon. My kids are informed, and I have described my emotions, however I struggle just a little bit, because NEVER is such an permanent statement, and I dont know the future. I wanna stay true to myself and my boundary, but yea, a little struggle with forever here.

Just keeping it real and as I am feeling it - feedback always appreciated.

(hugs)

[AnotherStander]

So, guess its time to put a little effort into my own situation. I try to check in once in a while, but contrary to months ago, I don't really have a need to talk about myself - I am actually just looking to see, if there are any questions that I feel like I have the knowledge to respond to these days - which is really odd, and I can't explain this, but I guess it must be me having dropped the rope and detached.

Yeah that is pretty much that dropping-the-rope feeling!

I feel empowered by the way I have taken my life into my own hands. I am good looking, I have taken control of my life, I have taken control of my struggles (gym, being social, getting life back on track) and I have accomplished all these things, and I feel so good.

Perfect!

I am not attracted to the woman I described above, even though we share so much history. I actually said to myself the other day, that "xxxxx as I knew her, died august 2018, I dont know the woman I am looking at" - and I am just at a place in time, where I believe that to be true.

Yes I can relate to this. Although I will say she is now much more like my W from long ago than she has ever been since BD. For a long time she seemed REALLY alien, but in the last year or so she seems much more like her old self. She's still quite different, but not "as" different. I've always read here that MLC can take 5-10 years to recover from, I never thought my XW was MLC but just a WAS. Maybe the long recovery indicates otherwise though, I'm not really sure.

[Hurt213]

Thank you for the input and thoughts AS.

The weird part about this whole ordeal is not sitting here on my couch by my self. Thats actually quite fine. Kids are sleeping after a great day at their grandparents with easter egg hunting and a nice lunch.

The weird part is doing all of this by my self for the first time. I have these conflicting feelings of her missing out on something that her children really had a blast doing - and thats really what it is, because its just emotions. Logically, I am well aware of why she is not participating, and thats fine. Just getting it down on "paper" here .

I am beat to say the least. My parents love their grandchildren a lot, but aren't exactly poster material when it comes to helping out. Basically they dont exactly "volunteer" to help with the children, and then from time to time, they will make some comment about how much they "take care" of the kids. My sister and I have long given up on that conversation. It just means, that on a day like this, I am all alone feeding, watching, playing and taking care of a 2 and 5 year old, meanwhile I am expected to be interacting in the social setting on par with the rest of them (who by the way are all in relationships, so they can take turns to take care of the kids, and being social at the table) - thats a bit draining, but yea, it is what it is.

I could talk, but my parents or well my mom is, stubborn and only has one perspective on life, her own. My dad, well he is conflict shy, and just pleases my mom, so it wouldn't fly, ever.

Heading to bed soon thats for sure .

[Hurt213]

A bit of journaling:

So easter vacation is coming to an end - We have been following our normal parental-schedule, so I got the kids on friday, and have been spending the weekend doing things around the house, so we can get every last penny out of the coming sale (No, she doesnt have to pull the entire load, the D is happening, and I have embraced the fact that it is, so I have no problems with doing some of the "manly" maintenance stuff around the house in order for a higher market value).

Today I finished up the final maintenance stuff early in the morning, so that me and the kids could just have a day with nothing but US time. We went to the zoo and had a great day with lots of laughs. Kids are just relaxing on the couch after a bath, and will be ready for bed soon.

I was going through some folders with shared paperwork yesterday, when my kids were sleeping, and was dividing it into me and ex folders. I came across a bunch of birthday cards, and I just realized how far down the rabbit hole I was with my depression. I had taken an A4 piece of paper, and wrote "Dear "ex". Happy 30th birthday. Today is YOUR special day... Love Hurt and D5"

It was actually a gut punch to see that card. I can't undo the past, and thats not what this is about really - I realized by seeing that, how little energy I actually invested into her (I acknowledge that depression is the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with, and I am so glad that I got the help and came out on the other side, sitting here today content and happy for my future to come).

I actually said out loud in the office "Oh my god, no wonder she wasn't happy". I couldn't even muster to buy a proper birthday card, for the person who gifted me two children, and stood by me - at least she did until she didn't anymore .

I blame her for the way she left, but seeing how little I was able to put into the relationship, I perfectly understand how nobody could feel appreciated in it.

I am wiser, I have done my 180s, and I am post depression. I can't wait to find that special person out there, who appreciates me, who wants me, and with whom I can share feelings, thoughts and life as it happens. I hope my ex has found that as well, even though that mind sound bizarre.

Just thoughts passing though my head.

[LH19]

Hey buddy,

We all could have done better. We learn from our mistakes and move forward!

Great posts BTW on other peoples threads.

[Manta]

I'm sorry you're going through this Hurt213. My situation in ways is similar with my WW, however in my case we are physically seperated and we don't have kids. Maybe that's a good thing, as it would have made things very complicated.

Keep strong my friend.

[neffer]

Hurt, you can’t rewrite history but you can learn from it. Lot’s of “what if”s...there’s no need of that.

Keep strong there, detached and facing the future. There’s no rush to be there...enjoy the voyage.

My best wishes for you and your family Hurt.

[Wanted1]

Thank you for the input and thoughts AS.

The weird part about this whole ordeal is not sitting here on my couch by my self. Thats actually quite fine. Kids are sleeping after a great day at their grandparents with easter egg hunting and a nice lunch.

The weird part is doing all of this by my self for the first time. I have these conflicting feelings of her missing out on something that her children really had a blast doing - and thats really what it is, because its just emotions. Logically, I am well aware of why she is not participating, and thats fine. Just getting it down on "paper" here .

I am beat to say the least. My parents love their grandchildren a lot, but aren't exactly poster material when it comes to helping out. Basically they dont exactly "volunteer" to help with the children, and then from time to time, they will make some comment about how much they "take care" of the kids. My sister and I have long given up on that conversation. It just means, that on a day like this, I am all alone feeding, watching, playing and taking care of a 2 and 5 year old, meanwhile I am expected to be interacting in the social setting on par with the rest of them (who by the way are all in relationships, so they can take turns to take care of the kids, and being social at the table) - thats a bit draining, but yea, it is what it is.

I could talk, but my parents or well my mom is, stubborn and only has one perspective on life, her own. My dad, well he is conflict shy, and just pleases my mom, so it wouldn't fly, ever.

Heading to bed soon thats for sure .

Dear God! I feel like I could have written this exact same post. Word for word. Everything is so eerily similar in my circumstance. Down to our mothers. I felt the exact same way yesterday and was so exhausted last night I couldn't function after getting kids to bed. On a positive note, we both made it through and hopefully it will only get better after each holiday passes with this "new normal" we are experiencing. Take care, Hurt!

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So house was reinspected, and new pictures taken, which look really great. I kinda found myself in a covert contract situation, which is a bit funny since I realized it right when it hit me.

So basically my relationship is not salvable at this point in time, and I have just dropped the rope on it, and decided that we are parents at this point in time - thats fine.

I did some maintenance on the house before the pictures and inspection, and spent several hours in fact making everything top tuned, so the rapport would come out clean. It did, and that was nice. However, my ex never once did thank me for the work I put in - and I actually got irritated, and then it hit me - I didn't do this for her, I did this for me, so I can move on with my life - but mentally, I guess a part of me still did it for the "thank you", and that shows me, that there is still work to do.

Everything will be easier once the house sells im sure. We have too many interactions right now for my liking. I am having a tough time figuring her out since she goes cold and warm, and frankly thats just really hard to navigate. Not because I need anything from her, its just one of my 180s, that I want people around me to feel good, and right now I am focusing on telling my self, that its not my responsibility, people have to take control of their own life, and make their own happiness.

When she is cold, she is extremely arrogant, and that happens quite often right now, so that makes talking financials regarding the house a bit annoying - I do however take the highroad, and just let it pass. I see the light of the end of the tunnel.

My kids are, especially D5, reacting now, and wants us to be together as a family. We try our best to tell her the truth when she has questions, but also we keep on making sure she understands, that this is mommy and daddys choice, and not something she or her brother did, or could have changed. Its the only thing that hurts me now, is to see how they are hurting.

So, we got a meeting coming up next wednesday, and then the house goes on the market again. I have been pulling a bit back from things with ex and the kids lately. Mostly, I dont find myself wanting to be around her right now - its not helping me moving on, having an ex, that one minute wants to talk and the next wants to tell me that everything that ever happened in her life, is my fault - I am just not biting any longer.

Enough about that,

Golf tournament this weekend saturday and sunday, and today lifting, cardio, a massage and then a good nights rest before heading to the course tomorrow morning early.

/h

[neffer]

Yes Hurt, you have taken the highroad. Keep walking that road to amoafwl. What you do is for yourself, remember that.

Be there for the kids and go on moving forward. Better times coming.

Thanks for the update. Keep DB!

[Hurt213]

I plan to stay on this road. Being positive despite the struggles, is really proving helpful for me, and its quite intoxicating and gives me energy to just face things head on. I am here now, and need to make the most of it while I am, so I plan on exactly that. Thats not saying its not hard, it is, and I have good and bad days, but my bad days are far between, and are mostly because I have such a heartache for what my kids are going through. Can't change it, but can make the most of it for me and them.

Thanks neffer, you are a star.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

Been a couple of days since my last entry, and I have been doing good. Feel like journaling my thoughts, and what better place to do so, and get some feedback than here..

Whats new regarding me and my ex? Absolutely nothing, she has her life, and I am living mine - it works .

Today we had the sales meeting with the broker, and it went really good. Ex is very very eager to get the house sold, so she can move on with OM, so she wanted to have the biggest advertising package money can buy - This situation doesnt work for me and the kids either, so we decided, that it was the thing to do.

I feel calm and in control when I am around her these days. Its really nice, since I used to be really attentive to her body language, her tone of voice and it was really really stressfull. It all just made me mindread into a lot that probably wasn't even what she was displaying anyways - I like me better this way.

The real estate broker wants to have an open house in the coming weekend and my ex then said, that she was not able to since she was going on a weekend trip with her new boyfriend. I just let it pass, and told the broker, that I would be able to make ends meet, and the open house should be possible (Lets get this house sold shall we!).

I have been 180ing on my NG attitude, and I should had done that a long time ago (Hello Sandi2 with the great advice, that I did not / was not, able to follow at the time) - what does that mean? It basically means that I am at a place now, where its not an "effort" for me, to respond / do things that I want or that benefits me and the kids. I am no longer attached to a feeling of "well how will she take it / respond to me, doing that or this".. Thats deliberating to say the least.

There are some temp checks - at least I think.

She called me 10 minutes before the meeting and asked if she should hold me a parking spot - I kindly declined (I am a big boy, I can find my own parking spot :D) - then at the meeting the broker went for some papers in the printer, and she got a text. She then instantly showed me her phone, and said it was from a colleague and began to blabber about the content - I didn't even know what to say, so I said nothing and just smiled.

She then tried to excuse the fact that she couldn't attend the open house because of her trip to that isle she was going to. I replied: "Thats fine. I've always wanted to go to that isle, sounds great, have a good time!".

After the meeting we walked to the parking lot, and she talked about our kids, and I listened. When we came to her car, she stopped up and turned to me, I guess expecting a hug. I am just fed up, so I just said "Kiss the kids from me, see you" and smiled as I walked off. <--- Rude? I dont really think so - that woman has caused me and my kids so much grief, so I dont really feel like doing anything at all with her.

My current boundary (which she is informed of): I dont want to do things together as a family, because I need to move on with my life - and right now, the way to move on, is to distance myself from this mess and be there for me and my children. That means that she can contact me regarding financials and kids, and everything else is no longer my business.

Cross the boundary? She has a couple of times, and honestly, I dont know what to do about it, can't really do anything I guess. Fact is, I just do not reply to anything not related to the two above mentioned subjects.

Other than that - hoping to get a condo for me and the kids soon. I feel ready to date, and I think I need to get out there in order to really 120% move on with my life. I want to go on trips, go eat nice food, experience new exiting things, and learn about new people - that is what I am going to focus on, as soon as me and the kids are settled in properly, and they are showing signs of being alright in this mess.

Thoughts?

I wanna especially thank some of the people on here, who has been extremely helpful and has aided me in my quest to be a better, stronger and happier Hurt: Ballast, AS, Steve, neffer, LH, sandi, R2c, and most likely I am forgetting some, sorry.

You are all very special people.

[Hurt213]

Update:

So a possible buyer has requested a showing this coming sunday. That is wonderful, and really great if the house sells.

WAW / ex texted me and told be about the past week regarding kids (we switch today) - she told me, that D5 had said that she wants to have a lizard at my new place, and a hamster at her place... I just wrote "Thank you".

She then texted me a long list of all our stuff and told me she had tried to split up things the way she proposed it should be - and I could look it over. I did, and immediately saw, that the list definitely did not reflect anything close to reasonable from an economic perspective. I texted "I think we need to meet up, and go through the house together while we agree on the divide of items - the current list definitely does not work for me."

Basically she wants all the high priced items, and tries to cover it up with giving me a lot of the cheap IKEA stuff, that I really dont have any interest in taking with me anyways. She then wanted me to take our bed to which I replied "I have no intention of bringing our bed with me. We can sell it, if you do not want it either."

I must admit, that I feel like having dropped the rope 95%, but these small things as seeing my kids childhood home in an online sales catalogue, or recieving a list of how all the things we bought together through the past 12 years should just be split in half - it gets me in the feels.... I need to detach further, but just being honest here.

She her self being a child of divorced parents might not struggle with the process - but me, for the most case I am fine, but I guess some things still get to me, more than I want them too.

[neffer]

It´s ok to have those feelings Hurt. It´s about the kids wellbeing, their past and their own feelings. You need to be strong there and put the best face you can in front of them. Reality is reality man. Expect some hard days coming but you know the sun is shining behind the last clouds of the storm.

You are now detached, sailing your own course. Kids on board. You know better times are coming.

Be the lighthouse there, keep shining Hurt.

(((((H)))))

[harvey]

Sounds like you are in a much better place. It's nice to come out the other side stronger.

[Hurt213]

Just a bit of spinning .

So just scrolling through FB before bedtime, and I stumble upon a post from a friend of mine. As I am about to make a comment, I see that my ex has commented on the picture already (I have unfriended her for my own sanity), and curiosity got the better of me so....

I went to her page, and saw that she had befriended several family members of OMs. I then realized that, the fact that she has been introduced to them, the fact that we are splitting up our assets tomorrow, and the fact that she has been generally happy ever since BD is probably a sign that this is the right thing after all.

I felt uncomfortable, and saw what should had been my future pass by my eyes on that screen, but that lasted very briefly. I think my only real concern about all of this is, that I dont like the OM because of the way all this panned out, and him being around my kids really gets to me (I know thats nothing I can change, but I feel it none the less). And also the fact that my kids are so small, and have to deal with new step siblings and step grandparents and what not all of a sudden. I think they are most likely nice people, its not about that - Its more like the insane amount of stress it puts on my little humans most likely.

I have dropped the rope, and I understand that what we were, is no longer, and she has chosen a new life for herself. I say, live it and be happy - I just can't but help journaling a bit about my emotions in all of this, mostly on behalf of my kids and the concerns I have for them.

Hope it makes sense.

[Wanted1]

Hurt, I feel for you. I really do. It [censored] having to watch them walk away and into someone's life and their family all while dragging your own flesh and blood along with them. I haven't gotten to that point, yet, but I'm sure its on the horizon.

I've already made the decision that I will never, ever, respect my exWW AP. They can be each other's soulmates and live happily ever after for the next 50+ years but that doesn't mean I have to respect him for what he did to my family. If they would have went about it the right way, it would be different. If my exWW finds someone else she wants to share her life with, I'll respect him. But I refuse to respect a "man" who knowingly engaged in an A with a married woman. After he spent a weekend with me and my family over the 4th of July last summer, he doesn't have the excuse that he didn't know what he was doing. That's the part that irritates me the worst.

I've dropped the rope, as well. I'm fine with where we are at in our lives even though its still saddening to realize that my kids won't have parents, together, as a family unit. I believe that we can drop the rope with regard to our ex's but still not be "ok" with them being together with their AP. Maybe I'm wrong, but I really don't feel the two are linked together.

Take care!

[IHCLACS]

Opportunistic monkey branching at its finest. It s*cks it hurts, it hurts to see your kids with another family. All your work, sacrifice, commitment, dedication, future etc, play into someone else's hands, and they get to reap what you sowed.

My first GF, she had a half sister, and a mother that went through 3 different husbands, creating three different marriages and families that all failed. Her own mother, when I met her, actually threw her out at 19 over something petty. She was forced to make her own way and fend for herself. I can tell you that sometimes these blended families work, but most of the time they don't in the long run. Ironically, my 1st GF was my first real heartbreak, and first time I was cheated on. I really thought she was a good girl. I started working night shift for two weeks, she had an EA online, actually went through the trouble of flying a random stranger halfway across the country, put him up in a hotel, slept with him, and then dumped me. They are happily married today with 2 kids. Also ironically about a year ago, I contacted her over FB messenger (With W's permission and knowledge, just asking how her life turned out. W and I never had an issue with this, as long as respectful boundaries were maintained.) The XGF apologized to me for the treatment 17 years ago and asked for forgiveness, in which I forgave her. I announced my first son and that I was happily married. She updated me on her family status and we left it at that. (Little did I know I would be BD'd one year later, by another "good girl" from a good family who I never expected to turn on me. My W.) Another EA in the making, and a soft MLC, or transition.

Sometimes I have to really look in the mirror and ask myself? Is it me? Am I attracting these people into my life because of who I am, how I behave, and what I do? Have I been making the same mistakes for the past 20 years in relationships, only improving a little? I know Im awesome fun and exciting to be around, but there is another side to me that is somewhat difficult to live with due to my frustrations at times.

I have never given up on a relationship, (long beyond the expiration date and toxicity of it.) and I have never cheated, and I don't believe in Divorce. Im starting to ask myself? Maybe I should? There are a lot of things I need to change, and am working on. But I will never put my morals, my principles, my values, and especially my self worth into the trusted hands of another woman again. (It would take a really special woman that understood what happiness, real love, real commitment, real integrity, real communication and problem solving .) Don't ever stop improving yourself, love yourself first and foremost.

I know this may or may not help, but know that you have your honor, your integrity, and your values to stand not only for family, for your children, for marriage, and for yourself. I know it doesn't keep you warm at night, but you will be able to hold your head high again. One day your WW will have to answer to someone, or possibly your children, regardless of what justified her actions. Feelings are great to guide you in life, but should never control your life, so I am learning.

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

Just hit the couch after a 12 hour work day and I am beat.

My ex was at our house today with the kids, and we had decided to divide our assets when the kids were sleeping.

I must admit, sitting in my car on my way home, I dont know why I thought it would be a great idea to do this tonight after 12 hours of work, but she insisted because she "needs to know what to buy to the new place", so we got it done.

It was not really a problem dividing the assets. I told her, that I was not about to give her all my stuff for free, but basically I only had emotions invested in pictures, and the rest was basically just dead stuff that I would replace if needed, and I just wanted a fair economical divide. We made that happen and that was that. Done deal.

She told me about a funeral she had to attend today, while I was making a sandwich. I stopped making the sandwich and listened to her. She is a teacher and one of her young students mother died last week, and apparently she attended the funeral. She told how hard it had been, and the little girl had come over and hugged her... She was crying, and I felt bad for her, and then I felt glad for me... Why ? Because I felt bad for her, because the situation is really really sad, however not an inch in me had the desire to go and hold her and try and fix her. I just validated her emotions and told her as a closer "Ex, I am sure that was a really horrible experience, I can understand how that must have been really hard on you". I am mind reading a tad, but her body language really looked like she was expecting me to come over - No thank you .

As we were speaking my phone went off with some snaps and a few messages on the messenger app. She then said, wow someone sure is popular these days.... I chose not to respond - heck, dont even know what I would had said lol.

All in all, things are just great....

Still a little battle in my mind with the fact that she is a part of OMs extended family life now, which means serious business. This means I got more work to do on me. Other than that, happy life.

[Hurt213]

A bit of journaling on my own thread.


Things are progressing nicely with the house. We have 3 interested buyers who are currently "feeling out" what they want to offer, and one concrete offer that was too low for us to consider - I am pretty confident about the house being gone soon.

I am having a really easy time keeping my PMA in check, and I dont experience any significant spinning these days.

Basically I am having my picnic, and I like it. My ex is deep inside the castle, and she called me yesterday to ask about the summer holidays (parent schedule), because she is going on a vacation with her boyfriend. <-- So that actually got to me a little. Mainly because we have been struggling with my depression and the fact that we have two toddlers, so we haven't been going on vacations, but mainly been staying in our own country, and had agreed to do these things now when the kids were older.

So yea, that made me feel like my life was overtaken by someone else, but im alright. Its those little things that I just need to deal with when they come around. I am taking the kids on a vacation, and have been saving up for that for a while now, so I am exited.

I can't help but feel like, she is neglecting the kids a little, and thats just stupid of me. She is taking them on a 3 day trip, and thats basically what they will get to experience (I can't help but have a sour feeling of her spending so much money on trips for herself, and then the kids are left with scraps) - However thats emotional me. The logical me knows that my kids will have a great time with their mom, and that they will enjoy their holiday with her, no matter what they do and where they are.

So where does that leave me? Well I guess I am currently a bit scared of the unknown. Not the unknown that my ex is no longer a part of, but just the fact, that I feel like I have to start all over and I need to learn how to walk. I have been crawling for a while, and now its time for me to rise up, and see if my feet can carry my new self.

I am still in the gym 5 times a week, I am running, I am playing golf and I am socializing with my friends.

So here are the things I currently struggle with, and the things I am talking with my IC about - maybe you can help me further along.

Still spinning occasionally with above mentioned stuff. Things we were supposed to do now, that we were finally able to, and now she is off doing that with someone else.

I lost most of my social circle when I became depressed, and I am realizing that I need to make new friends and reactivate old ones. Thats definitely hard for me. Most of our mutual friends have continued to socialize with my ex and her new OM, and since I am single, well I am just not that much fun on couples nights, so most of those are not someone I talk to much or do anything with these days.


So yea, I got work cut out for me .

[SoloFlex]

You got this man, I believe in you.

-SoloFlex

[AnotherStander]

Well I guess I am currently a bit scared of the unknown.

Fear of the unknown is definitely a big part of what we all go through. My way of dealing with that was this- I searched back in my past and thought about the things I had always been worried about and asked myself A) if worrying had changed anything about it and B) if my worrying was justified, IE- had the things actually happened. It was a big fat "nope" to both. Then I asked myself what life-changing things had happened to me, like BD, and whether I had ever worried about those things. Again- nope. So basically I worried about crap that wasn't even going to ever be an issue, and the stuff I should have worried about wasn't even on my radar. Conclusion- life is unpredictable, there's no point in worrying about things. Just take life a day at a time and when it throws bad things your way then deal with them as they come.

I also have a completely different approach towards planning for the future. I had concrete plans before BD that of course were completely flipped upside down after. So I have a plan now but I'm mindful that my plan needs to remain flexible because you never know what may happen.

I am still in the gym 5 times a week, I am running, I am playing golf and I am socializing with my friends.

Awesome!

Still spinning occasionally with above mentioned stuff. Things we were supposed to do now, that we were finally able to, and now she is off doing that with someone else.

Are you really spinning, or is it just upsetting you a little? It doesn't sound like you are spinning, it's not displacing you from your path like it might have months ago. Being upset is perfectly fine and normal, own it! Let yourself be upset, process the feelings and keep moving forward.

I lost most of my social circle when I became depressed, and I am realizing that I need to make new friends and reactivate old ones. Thats definitely hard for me. Most of our mutual friends have continued to socialize with my ex and her new OM, and since I am single, well I am just not that much fun on couples nights, so most of those are not someone I talk to much or do anything with these days.

After BD it helps to make some new friends and get back in touch with old ones just to keep your mind off things. But once you heal and move on then you may not feel the need for that as much and that is OK. I did a ton of socializing after my XW left, but don't do nearly as much these days. When I have downtime I tinker with sculpting which I enjoy immensely even though it's a solitary activity. Do what works for you. I am all for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone after BD, but you're nearly a year past that so you're probably settling into your "new normal".

[neffer]

So there you are Hurt, standing on your feet.

What you are fearing is what we all fear. Do not feel overwhelmed by it. Read what AS posted above.
Just don´t be harsh on yourself. There´s no need of that. Not only it´s unnecessary but it also puts you on a vulnerable place. What for?

Fear of the unknown is definitely a big part of what we all go through. My way of dealing with that was this- I searched back in my past and thought about the things I had always been worried about and asked myself A) if worrying had changed anything about it and B) if my worrying was justified, IE- had the things actually happened. It was a big fat "nope" to both. Then I asked myself what life-changing things had happened to me, like BD, and whether I had ever worried about those things. Again- nope. So basically I worried about crap that wasn't even going to ever be an issue, and the stuff I should have worried about wasn't even on my radar. Conclusion- life is unpredictable, there's no point in worrying about things. Just take life a day at a time and when it throws bad things your way then deal with them as they come.

Do what works for you. I am all for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone after BD, but you're nearly a year past that so you're probably settling into your "new normal".

Live into the present time my friend, face the future with hope and dignity. Your kids are there.

I feel like I have to start all over and I need to learn how to walk. I have been crawling for a while, and now its time for me to rise up, and see if my feet can carry my new self.

So there you are Hurt, standing on your feet.

Start walking brother!

((((((((((H))))))))))

[DejaVu6]

I totally get what you are going through Hurt. My STBXH and I spent much of our marriage under financial stress and were looking forward to finally being able to do things like take vacations with our kids and each other. Following our first BD in 2014, he even backed out of a trip to Hawaii that I ended up going on alone. So when he took his affair to Hawaii a day after our 12th anniversary, yeah, that bugged me for sure - especially when he was paying for it with money that I gave him in our settlement. So it bothered me but I didn’t send me spinning and I took our kids and his mom to San Diego and had a great time. I also told myself that I have other vacations ahead of me in the future...with our kids and hopefully with a significant other as well. The future is unknown but it is also exciting... not to know or think we know what lies ahead. Embrace the uncertainty of it...live your life for you...make your future a great one!!!

I know it doesn’t always feel that way but you are doing great Hurt. Keep acting as if...eventually you won’t need to act anymore. (((HUGS)))

[Hurt213]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Much appreciated, and it was immensely helpful reading, and it made me realize, that actually I am not spinning, it is, as you speculated AS - just me reacting to the process, and me dealing with emotions in regards to things dying and ending. And thats fine, its a process that I need to undertake, and I am on that path, knowing that everything will be fine again.

Today was shift day, and boy have I missed my kids. We have a house showing tomorrow, so I came home early in order to fix the garden and my ex stayed and fixed the indoor so its ready for tomorrow. One of my 180s are to be more upbeat and cheerful as I have been really easily aggravated and not been very nice when things went wrong (thanks depression). However, today I wont say I slipped, but I fell back in the pattern.

Basically I was mowing the lawn, and my son 2 was looking at me from the panorama windows in the living room. My ex was watching the kids, because she is leaving for a week with OM, and wont be able to see them, and thats fine. However I look away, minding my own business for a minute, and when I look at the window, S2 has somehow caught hold on the curtain string (they are tied up high, so they are not reachable normally), however they were around his head and throat, although loose, I saw the mental image of him falling or running, and yea you get the picture. So I ran to the window and hammered on it. Ex was in the kitchen texting on her phone. So I yelled, What the hell? and gave her a frustrated look. She just smiled with an arrogant face, like "relax, Hurt, seriously......" I just know exactly how that episode would had went down, had it been her mowing the lawn and me watching the kids...

Basically shows the lack of respect these days - Dont really care come to think of it, I reacted because I love my kids, and she was too busy doing anything but watch them, so come to think of it, I like how I reacted, and thats it.

I finished up outdoors, and then packed some bags for the kids, and took them to the swimming pool.

The kids are doing alright, but its really really hard for them when we do the exchange, and they cry and really take about a day to normalize - its the hardest part for me right now.

Other than that, I have been resonating a lot about my future recently, and two things are currently stuck with me; Dejavu's reply to my thread regarding the fact that the future is unknown to us, and how exiting it is, that we are on an adventure with unfamiliar people we will meet, and unfamiliar places we will experience. I like that!

Then also the way of life in regards to living mindful (concentrating on the positives in my life in present time) as opposed to living mindfull (filling my head with all the obstacles that I need to deal with in the future - I deal with what I can presently, because I can't touch tomorrow, thats yet to come, and I can't change yesterday, cause thats in the past.


Only thing keeping me back from fully letting go of my ex is this fkin house really... It keeps me in limbo, and it keeps me in contact with my ex way more than I want to - So I just can't WAIT for it to sell.

[Hurt213]

Journaling.

So just a little funny episode from here..

Life is good, and I am enjoying myself and my GAL.

Today ex came by the House to be with the kids. They had missed their mom, so that was Nice for them. I packed my clubs, and was going for a lesson at the golf course (she is there to visit the kids and not me. She looked all weird and asked if I really had to leave. I just replied “is it a problem ?” Too which she Said “no I just need to sort it out in my head”. I left and had some Nice Time just for Me.

When I arrived home, d5 had been playing with a friend. Then the nejghbor daughter apparently had invited only d5 to play and she had left her friend to Go play with the neighbors kid. That was not a Nice thing to do, and my ex told Me and lectured d5 about it at the same time.


Here is the conversation roughly:
W: d5, when you Go outside to play with a friend and another of your friends show interest in you, then you dont turn your back on your First friend, But you find a way so all of you Can play.

W: I am sure dad agrees. (Looks at Me with Big eyes seeking my validation) <—- I validated and then I just began laughing, because it hit me...

She sure did find a way to play when she was invited by someone who took an interest, and it might br bad humor, but i cracked up... she asked what was so funny, But i somehow didnt Think she would share my humor so i kept it to myself &#128514;.

On phone so excuse my grammar

[Hurt213]

Update:

Hi all,

Accidentally had a thought about this forum, and decided I would check in - It has been months, and alot sure has happened.

So, first of all, I am doing great, my house has sold, my kids have settled into the reality of "mom weeks" and "dad weeks", and thats all wonderful. They are small beings, so the transition could had been a lot worse, but we have been good at setting up the framework as coparents, so the kids are bothered as little as possible (padding my own shoulder here).

Will I ever forgive my ex for her deceit and betrayal? Absolutely not. We have a strict business like relationship, where our business pertains to the well being of our children, and that is all I want from her. I have no intentions of every reconciling with her, and even though I don't know whats around the next corner in life, I do know, that I can never forgive the trauma I have dealt with during the past 12 months.

Am I angry and hurt? Part of me will always be - Do I think about it daily? absolutely not. I have found new friendships, invested time in things that are important to me. I have put alot of time into things I gave up on because I compromised with my ex, as peope do in relationships - Its all good .

I feel like I mentally am in a great place as well as physically. I feel like I am the father I want to be, and I have so much energy and a desire to just be dad, when I have my kids. I actually think, I do more with them now, than when I was together with their mother - funny how things turn out.

3 months ago I met this gorgeous woman, who I have been dating for the past 2 months. I have been honest about everything, and she is a very understanding, caring and loving person. I had some issues at the beginning, because it felt "wrong" to share and recieve love from a person who was not my ex. I guess part of me was cutting the umbillical cord from my old life, and 12 years is a lot to just say goodbye to. Me and my new sweetheart (she is, and I smile writing this) have a great way of communicating and I just feel really happy and content.

So, life is great - but wow what a rollercoaster it has been! Thank you all so much for every piece of advice.

Some pieces of advice from me to any newcommer would be (and this is from the perspective of your wife having left you for another man - I know many stories are different):

Reflect on your relationship, and realize, that you are partially at fault for things going sour - however you are not to blame for her sleeping with someone else - thats just a lousy character trait.

Do not try to pursuade your wife to come back to you. You will loose yourself in the process and you will at the same time loose all form of selfrespect. <--- I look back, and I feel sorry for some of the things I did and said in order for her to just come back - because, I must have looked so weak, and so unattractive, and in the end, she would had still cheated, and that thought would had lured in the back of my head forever I think. <-- Some can live with that, most can't is my subjective opionion.

Go out and live life. It took my nearly a year - thats 360 days to get through this. Many ups, and many downs - but I made it. Read my thread, and you will see how many downs and ups there are in just my experience with this. However, I am on an upslope now - I am wiser, stronger, and I have learned so so much about myself through this horrible experience.

I wish you all the very best.

/Hurt

[neffer]

It ‘s great to hear from you Hurt. Glad things are moving forward. Hope all newbies read your post.

Stay strong there man. Great news!

(((H)))