Dating after Divorce

[rexgm]

So lets start this open thread with the logic of understanding male and female dynamics during dating and not take anything said as personal but simply ones own opinion which you may or may not agree with.

This can include OLD, Texting and Socializing.

I will start this out with saying all people chase. In fact the first chase is usually done by the woman. Either through a smile, getting closer to you in proximity so you can start a conversation, or a blatant Hello from her as a conversation starter.

[rexgm]

A smarter, high quality female at our age is gonna run from a guy that is a ladies man. I know that would not attract me. I would want a guy that seems loyal. If you are looking for wild girls, i would agree.

Well first what do you consider a ladies man? Are you saying that during dating a man can only be loyal to one woman? If a man attracts multiple types of women that doesnt make him a ladies man. Loyalty to me means being honest with a woman.

[LH19]

Here is one for the ladies. There is a theory that a woman is more attracted to a man who has many options. Is that true?

[devvo]

A smarter, high quality female at our age is gonna run from a guy that is a ladies man. I know that would not attract me. I would want a guy that seems loyal. If you are looking for wild girls, i would agree.

Well first what do you consider a ladies man? Are you saying that during dating a man can only be loyal to one woman? If a man attracts multiple types of women that doesnt make him a ladies man. Loyalty to me means being honest with a woman.

I think when you are being honest with a woman you are displaying honesty - still an attractive quality, but it's not loyalty as such. Loyalty is sticking by her when there are competing interests, whether those interests are other women or other ways to spend your time.

[rexgm]

Loyalty is sticking by her when there are competing interests, whether those interests are other women or other ways to spend your time.

In my opinion when you are dating and no talk of being exclusive has been discussed, then you can be loyal to her and still see other people or do other things. As long as when you are with her your time is devoted to her and not thinking about someone else.

I firmly believe a woman should not be your number one priority unless you are currently with her, then by all means give her all of your attention.

Your number one focus and priority should be yourself, mainly because that is the only thing in life you can control.

[kml]

Look, I've dated a lot between the ages of 52 and 62. A LOT depends on what you are looking for at this age.

1) Some are still looking for the "love of their life", to settle down with that one person for the rest of their life.

2) Some don't want that kind of serious lifelong commitment but would like to have a steady dating partner.

3) Some don't want any commitment at all and just want to have fun with various dates with no obligation.

I fall somewhere around number two - I have NO interest in marrying again legally, but would like to have just one partner to share my life with. But if CMM, my current boyfriend, were to die on me, I might choose to just be a number 3 person going forward.

NOW - how you approach dating should depend on what your goals are. Someone who is a number 3 has NO BUSINESS dating a number 1 and should be responsible and stay away. If you're a number 3, try to find other number 3's to date. You'll both be happier. If you're a number 1, don't waste your time dating number 3's.

As for the chasing business - I know, as a woman, it can scare me off if somebody comes on too strong right out of the gate. It makes you feel like they aren't falling for YOU but for their IDEA of you, their fantasy. And if you don't feel like you really know them well enough yet to make that assessment yourself, it's off-putting. I do think most men and women like a little uncertainty at first - how many couples do you know who tell a story of meeting that is some variation on "I didn't know if he/she liked me then XYZ happened and now we're together"?

On the other hand - I know for a fact that in my younger days, I gave up on some guys who didn't seem to be expressing enough interest, only to find out years after the fact that they WERE interested and probably would have stepped up if I'd been a little more patient and not moved on so quickly.

[Ginger1]

Here is one for the ladies. There is a theory that a woman is more attracted to a man who has many options. Is that true?

WHat does many options even mean? THat they have known women fawning over them?

ANd no.

FF I dated had our whole 6pm gym class of younger single women with no kids wanting to date him. (he was 9 years my junior) Turned out he was interested in me, the 9 year older divorced mom. Even though I was shocked he was interested in me, I did say yes when he asked me out. But the appeal of all these women wanting his had no say in that. It was actually miserable, I got a lot of shade from these women.

I am pretty simple. I am attracted to a funny guy who is personable and sweet. There aren't certain "games" that attract me. SOmeone trying to have too much game, well, that sure turns me off.

[DejaVu6]

Here is one for the ladies. There is a theory that a woman is more attracted to a man who has many options. Is that true?

I don't know that you can say that definitively because how are you supposed to know how many options somebody has? What I would say is that generally, people (don't think the gender matters) are more attracted to people who they perceive others would also find attractive. I would also argue that generally someone who is judged to be quite attractive (not just based on appearance) is also someone who likely has a number of options. I think it is a version of the chicken or the egg dilemma. Which comes first?

[JujuB]

For me. I did chase my ex when he left me. That was a panic move amd i blamed myself for him leaving. I did not know about the money or addictions at that point. If i had known of another woman, i can honestly say i would have had a lawyer a lot quicker.

I did initiate on OLD with the guy i am currenty with. I joked about something in his profile. I dont consider that chasing. I initiated with him because his profile was long and showed effort and indicated that he was looking for something serious but in a funny way. And because he had raised his child by himself. I sensed that he would not be confident enough to approach me so i knew i would have to make the first move. After that he initiated.

If i found out he was dating other women I would not sleep with him. I would not choose to sleep with soneone if i was dating other people. The sex wouldnt be good for me in that case. Im not saying i want to get married, just that i would not want to sleep with someone that was gonna sleep with someone else the following week.

If a guy kept asking me out, but was honest that he was going out with other women too, there would be no reason for me to keep dating him. I would figure, "hey he wants to see if theres someone better that he can get". He would not be worth my time. And i am not saying that to be snarky. It just would not be in my best interest.

As a background, i live in a very populated and dense area, so there is a lot of opportunity. In general, i do not have trouble with guys liking me or asking me out. Basically as soon as i was single, i had a lot of male friends of friends that expressed interest. I have a lot of anxieties but dating and men never stressed me because i know there will always be some one out there. I tend to view dating and relationships as a practical matter and i am very aware of my own self interests. . I think guys like me because i dont need them and do things independently but im not sure. I would choose to look differently, but im told positive things about my looks. (I know that people lie and I am aware that i am getting older) so i think that helps along with having a professional career. These are all surface things, i know but i tend to find that with men, you can get away with more if you have the surface things... again, im not trying to be snarky, just honest about the male/ female dynamics and dating world. Im the opposite. I want a guy that has good morals and will be devoted to me because that serves my best interests. I understand there can be flaws in that line of thinking as well though.

Rex. I have to say i enjoy and appreciate your honesty and i also like to be honest without having to worry about political correctness. Hope this helps

[AndrewP]

I think that kml has hit on a critical part of the discussion. What do people want? Do they even know that?

One second thing to toss out there is that it is well known that there can be some very unhealthy dynamics especially in the early part of a relationship. The narcissistic cycle of idealize, devalue, discard for example. The first part is sometimes also called "love bombing" or "mirroring" and is a classic "pick up" tactic that is used by both women and men. Sometimes consciously and sometimes not.

I know well from first hand experience how seductive it can be to think that someone is "really in to you" and for them to also think similarly.

So it all circles back to what kml said. If you know who you are and what you are looking for in a relationship then that is the sort of dating you will do.

Personally, I believe that confidence and self-awareness are the most attractive qualities that people of either gender can have. But there is no "one-size fits all". Some people are rescuers / fixers and are attracted to broken people. Some people are - for the lack of a better term - gold-diggers and are attracted to people who bring something extra be it money or good looks.

I'm going to follow along. This may be interesting.