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Mosher,

I am going to tell you a story, a story about a guy from this forum, who actually did rather well in detaching from his sitch. Things were progressing albeit slow, and there were a lot of veteran assistance to this "persons" questions and that helped immensely. It actually progressed so well, that the wayward wife had begun to show interest and now it really gets interesting - The person in question had a birthday coming up, and because everything was dandy, and he was feeling on top of the world, he decided to include the WW into his birthday plans, because, what could possibly go wrong?

Turns out, this "person" had gotten his expectations up, and had made covert contracts with himself about what to expect. Those contracts were not met, so he reacted by writing her a long mail, explaining what he felt, how he experienced everything, and what could be done (sounds familiar?), and followed that up with a text. <-- Writing is good, its healing, but do pass it by the forums, so you can have some input before shipping it off. Trust me, it can mean the difference between progress and sinking the ship.

You see, this happened in december, the veterans were completely lost for words, because all progress that was made with the WW went down the drain - The ww did not see his mail and texts as solutions, but merely as accusations and pursuit, and that pushed her away.

This is now 3 months ago, and the person in question has given up (not that you should by any means - you know whats best for you, im just sharing), the WW lost respect, and distanced herself so much, that R'ing is most likely never going to be an option.

The person in this story knows this, and he is fine today, he is embracing this new life of his, and is excited for the journey, however...

Could he go back, to that birthday, and have not sent those texts and that mail? would he have then? you bet he would.. I know that, because that person is me.

Point of the story is really: Distance yourself, do you, validate her feelings if she engages in conversation, be upbeat, content, work on yourself, find the strength to love your self, every day. You remember this: You attract what you project - so project confidence, happiness and willpower - Do not be a victim, rise and be so much more. There is one person who can begin the change, and that is you.

You are so strong, you must be with the adversity that has been shown you - make use of that strength, and build yourself up, and have a great life, with or without your wife.

I am rooting for you my friend!

/H

Last edited by Hurt213; 02/15/19 08:13 PM.

BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
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Thanks for the heads up. My wife and me talk almost regularly so distance and space are a hard thing to follow. Everytime I call to talk to my daughter the phone is on speaker so she can chime in at anytime. She engages most convos I answer alot differnetly then I did in the past. We talked a little bit today about doing a snow trip before summer hits. I dont think I ever mentioned this but she told me a seperatiin for a year and then we will talk about what is the best plan. I dont think she wants a divorce I think she want's me to make my changes. That's what I'm doing making my changes. I'll step back from sending any letter. Maybe I will just post them here instead.

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It's been a day since I last posted. Sundays are the only day I get to see my kids. My new busy schedule and the distance between us makes it hard for me to have visits. Everything is going good on my end. The wife is trying to make me jealous as of lately and I've done a really good job at ignoring it. I stopped communicating with her in general and she hasnt really been taking it to lightly. My goal is to not be readily available for her. This morning shr got mad at me because I didnt respond to her text about the kids coming over. Am I doing a good job are am I doing to much. The more the day's go by the more I keep getting hit in the face with freedom.

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Hurt explained quite well why it's a bad idea to send those temperature-checking messages!

Originally Posted by Mosher23
My wife and me talk almost regularly so distance and space are a hard thing to follow.


Do you see the irony in this statement? We tell you to give her time and space, your response is "I can't because I don't give her time and space." It's like saying "I know not eating chocolate will help me lose weight, but I can't because I eat chocolate every day." STOP DOING IT!

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Everytime I call to talk to my daughter the phone is on speaker so she can chime in at anytime.


Ask your D to take it off speaker.

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We talked a little bit today about doing a snow trip before summer hits.


Read Sandi's rules every day. One rule is don't make plans for the future.

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I'll step back from sending any letter. Maybe I will just post them here instead.


Good.

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The wife is trying to make me jealous as of lately and I've done a really good job at ignoring it.


What is she doing to make you jealous?

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I stopped communicating with her in general and she hasnt really been taking it to lightly. My goal is to not be readily available for her. This morning shr got mad at me because I didnt respond to her text about the kids coming over.


Do respond to kid-related texts. Everything else follow this rule- sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply hours later, and sometimes reply not at all (if it's nothing important).


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I have been doing a good hob latelu at not making myself so readily availablr. Last night she initiated a convo with me and we talked for a bit before I pushed her to the side and focused all my attention on mu Daughter. I am doing alot better at just staying the F away from the wife. But her lil 4ft10in self can sneak into anything it seems. I believe i am making her jealous by doing more stuff. I devoted my life to my children when we were together I quit hanging out with my friends I made my family my number one priority. Now since the split everything that hindered my growth is noy around anymore. On a daily basis i am taking out my old baggage. Meeting new people going out. I started playing pool again. I just grt a hint of jealousy when she randomly text's me about stuff she already has an answer for specially when its at 2am in the morning. I could be over thinking it. Life has been going well I am happy 90% of the time. That 10% lingers abouy but it never stays to long.

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Tommorow is the big day. I am excited for it. I know I should stay away from any relationship topic. Yesterday I did a pretty good job at shocking her with some changes I made in my eating habits. She even offered to go grocery shopping with me. Wish me luck tommorow should be fun.

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Today went well. We had alot of fun taking the kids out. We left the relationship out of everything. I even asked her out for a movie she said she will let me know when she can go. Things are looking ok right now. Big progress for sure. I'm a happy dude.

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From my perspective, it appears your happiness it tied to how she is acting. That's probably not the best thing, given the situation.

However, I'm very glad that it went well. You guys just went out and had a good time? That's great!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Yeah I asked her is she wanted to take the kid's out with me. So she picked me up and we took the kids to a museum then we ate at one of are favorite mongolian bbq spots for lunch. It was a good time for sure. I was suprised she said she will go on a date with me tbh. I think my positivty rubbed off on her today she was a little uptight at first slowly but surely she came around. They're is still work to be done on my part and it's not alot but it will help me out a ton in the future. Life is such an emotional roller coaster sometimes I'm happy that I'm back on the positive ride.

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Mosher,

Glad it went well. If you are into DR, MWD will mention to make note of what works and what does not work.

Here's the thing too. It's easier when you're high off the good moments. It's the bad moments you want to be better prepared to endure in all aspects, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Also remember no expectations. If she backs out, you can't control that and shouldn't feel bummed unless you were having expectations.

Also if she does go, what are your expectations? what are you prepared for?


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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